What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 2 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

Illinois at Virginia, Saturday, 9/11, 10:00 a.m. CT, ACCN; Illinois +10

The Fighting Illini have had the weirdest schedule! Imagine waking up at 8 a.m. on the west coast to watch Illinois on a channel you don’t even get!! This just means that this game is going to be bonkers-bananas.

Virginia hasn’t given up a point yet this season, don’t ask who they played in Week 1, and Illinois has beaten Nebraska and lost to UTSA, both at home. Their road trip to UVa has all the makings of a nine turnover slop-fest OR a 48-45 shootout. Can’t wait to see the highlights from whoever records it on their phone from the stadium because that’s how the ACC Network does it, right?

Indiana State at Northwestern, Saturday, 9/11, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; NU is presumably favored

All you need to know about this game is the research that Belz did this week. If you live in Chicago hop on the purple line and head on up to Evanston, baby! Your, uh, roundtrip CTA ticket will cost more than entrance to the game though.

Youngstown State at Michigan State, Saturday, 9/11, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; MSU is presumably favored

The Spartans look like they’re better than they were last year when they were godawful (and STILL beat Michigan) thanks in large part to transfer RB Kenneth Walker. Needless to say, MSU fans are definitely handling their newfound success* with class and grace** this week.

*beating Northwestern, maybe the worst team in the Big Ten
**jokingly claiming they’re already Big Ten contenders

Miami (Ohio) at Minnesota, Saturday, 9/11, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPNU; Minnesota -18

The Gophers gave up 45 points last week and the RedHawks gave up 49 points. I’d guess you should take the over on this game, but Tyler might have some more in-depth thoughts on the matter. Is Ben talking about USMNT or is this a prediction for Saturday’s game? Who is to say?!?

It will be interesting to see how Minnesota handles the loss of star running back Mo Ibrahim, but they should still probably beat Miami who is one of the better teams in the MAC East.

No. 12 Oregon at No. 3 Ohio State, Saturday, 9/11, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; Ohio State -14.5

Holy cow, the Buckeyes are favored by over two touchdowns against a top-12 team?!? Shit, they’re really good again.

This game really should be later in the day both due to Oregon coming in from the west coast and the status of both teams involved. I’ll be fascinated to learn how FOX has done having their best game of the day on in the 11 a.m. window after a couple of seasons of data. If they show footage of that fat, bald, painted Buckeyes fan before noon though, I’m going to have the FCC shut down every TV station in the country.

Rutgers at Syracuse, Saturday, 9/11, 1:00 p.m. CT, ACCN; Rutgers -2

A classic Big East football showdown on Saturday afternoon! I used to love Temple play Virginia Tech and see if the Owls could score a touchdown. Great football conference, RIP. Anyways, the Carrier Dome should be “rocking” for this old-school grudge match.

There is going to be a lot of 9/11 remembrance this weekend as it is the 20th anniversary of the horrific terrorist attacks in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania. I’ll be honest...I don’t understand how going to the 9/11 Memorial in full Rutgers football uniform is honoring the memory of those that died, but here we are.

Purdue at UConn, Saturday, 9/11, 2:00 p.m. CT, CBSSN; Purdue -34

This year’s UConn Huskies are one of the sorriest excuses for an FBS football program that I’ve ever come across. Randy Edsall announced after losing to FCS Holy Cross that he’d be retiring at the end of the season and then...the very next day he just up and quit.

The funniest thing in the world would be UConn lining up for a game-winning field goal and then bobbling the snap and losing by one. No one would be happy with that result and that’s the best possible outcome for neutral observers.

Buffalo at Nebraska, Saturday, 9/11, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Nebraska -13.5

If Lance Leipold was still the coach at Buffalo I’d predict a straight up win for the Bulls here, but with the new coaching staff and a bunch of players that left in the transfer portal they might not have the horses to hang with the Huskers...which is hilarious because Nebraska sucks.

Love that this is where the Huskers are at as a program. They desperately needed a game against FORDHAM in order to get their mind right before a game against BUFFALO...AFTER LOSING TO ILLINOIS!!!!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

No. 10 Iowa at No. 9 Iowa State, Saturday, 9/11, 3:30 p.m. CT, ABC; Iowa +4.5

There has been a lot of Jersey Discourse this week ahead of ¡El Assico! this weekend. The Cyclones, the home team whose primary colors are red and yellow, are wearing black, Iowa’s primary color along with yellow, jerseys for the game. Everyone is freaking out.

Hell, even Cincinnati joined in!

This game should be awesome. It’s a real rivalry and the two teams don’t like each other and they’re both in the top-10! Even when these teams both suck, which is regularly, the game is fun because something stupid is guaranteed to happen. Hopefully the players remember that this game is more about botched punts and fumbling three times on one play than actual good football.

Idaho at Indiana, Saturday, 9/11, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN; IU is presumably favored

The Offseason Hoosiers Hype Train hit a real bump on the tracks against Iowa and are now, well, now they’re back where they’re most comfortable.

Last year was fun and I’ll always wish my Hoosier friends well but a good Indiana football team doesn’t sit right with God or the universe writ large. The Vandals played Simon Fraser Clan last week, winning 68-0 an...hold on.

Hold the fuck on!

This team is from CANADA!?!?!?!

That’s amazing! This team plays in the NCAA’s D-2 Great Northwest Athletic Conference and has a mascot named McFogg the Dog, who has a looked Twitter account lmao, and they are my new favorite team.

We will be CLOSELY following Simon Fraser for the rest of the season in the hopes that our Scottish Dogs from Canada win the conference. Anyways, IU should probably walk all over Idaho.

Howard at Maryland, Saturday, 9/11, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Maryland is presumably favored

The Terps looked pretty good against West Virginia last week and now get a trio of games in which they should be favored (Howard, Illinois, Kent State) before hosting Iowa on Oct. 1.

I do not want to talk about this game or waste any seconds of my day looking up stuff about it, so let’s talk about my wife’s ACL surgery. She, uh, had ACL surgery on Wednesday and I am now in the business of watching two kids under five and a wife who can’t get off the couch by herself.

Earlier on Thursday I drove to pick up this ice/cooling/leg device that is AMAZING. You put some water and a bunch of ice in this maroon rectangle, set a timer, and then it pumps water into a sleeve that is wrapped around her leg and keeps her knee numb. How did people survive things 100 years ago? I’m fairly convinced that I would’ve been dead by six.

Anywho, hopefully it won’t affect things around here but there may not be a Blogopean Union post every morning over these next six (oh my God) weeks as she gets her strength back.

Washington at Michigan, Saturday, 9/11, 7:00 p.m. CT, ABC; Michigan -7

I bet ABC was banking on this being a MUCH bigger deal when they scheduled it. The Wolverines, outside of their last season of work, have mostly held up their end of the bargain, but Washington, who was ranked No. 20 in preseason, scored seven points last week at home against Montana and, obviously, lost.

But I’m not here to talk about any of that. I’m here to talk about Mr. Brightside.

Apparently this is a thing that they do at Michigan Stadium between the third and fourth quarter and it sounds really cool! Needless to say, so did everyone else. Oh wait...no they didn’t!

Can Michigan fans just not be Michigan Fans for, like, one freaking second? Just enjoy fun stuff that the students are having fun doing! Now, let’s get back to talking about important stuff like getting Wisconsin to stop playing “Where the Streets Have No Name” at the beginning of games and pick, basically, any other song.