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What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 4 preview

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Lotta games this week in the Big Ten that would be better as basketball games tbqh.

NCAA Football: Michigan State at Northwestern
Tuck comin’
Jon Durr-USA TODAY Sports

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

Bowling Green at Minnesota, Saturday, 9/25, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPNU; Minnesota -31

This morning (Thursday) it was 45 degrees when I woke up which means it is officially Big Boy SZN. I, a man that fits Spencer’s criterion here, wore a hoodie, shorts and a South Africa rugby beanie out of the house and haven’t felt that powerful in months.

I hope the weather stays like this forever and I also hope that the Gophers, who kicked the shit out of Colorado on the road, think they’re really good again before losing to a bunch of mid Big Ten teams.

Ohio at Northwestern, Saturday, 9/25, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Northwestern -14.5

If the “redevelopment of Ryan Field” leads me to be unable to bring four Miller Lites into the stadium to watch Wisconsin lose a game while it is raining and Northwestern is starting a sentient traffic cone at quarterback then, quite frankly, I’m wholly against it.

It, uh, shows how bad Ohio is this year that the Very Stinky Northwestern Wildcats are favored by two touchdowns here.

Villanova at No. 6 Penn State, Saturday, 9/25, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; PSU is favored

This game would be so different if it were a basketball game. First of all, the rankings would be reversed and second of all, this game would probably be played in Philadelphia for recruiting purposes for both teams. Alas, this is a football game. I used to go to Villanova sporting events growing up and I went to a D-1AA playoff game once against Youngstown State. I don’t remember who won, but I do remember thinking that “Penguins” was a cool mascot. Go Nova though.

Losing to Penn State in the season opener is probably going to end up being what we categorize as a “good loss” for the Badgers, but for it to matter PSU needs to keep winning and the Badgers need to beat somebody with a pulse.

Kent State at Maryland, Saturday, 9/25, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Maryland -14.5

I think it is important to remember that if the college football season had ended on Friday night, 3-0 Maryland would be national champions.

Can Kent State knock the crown off the Terps head? I know this much, I won’t be tuning in to find out.

Colorado State at No. 5 Iowa, Saturday, 9/25, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1; Iowa -23

I am not ready to talk to my kids, or you, about a top-five Iowa Hawkeyes football team. Instead, let’s talk about Iowa starting a women’s wrestling program! With women’s wrestling slowly but surely becoming a more popular sport, it makes sense for colleges to start adding teams. Schools like Iowa, who already have the wrestling infrastructure in place, are a perfect choice for the sport to expand.

With the Hawkeyes being the first Power 5 school to add a team I hope other big wrestling schools in the Big Ten like Nebraska, Penn State, Wisconsin, Michigan, etc. look into adding teams too.

Rutgers at No. 19 Michigan, Saturday, 9/25, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC; Michigan -20.5

Friend of the blog, and host of the excellent Split Zone Duo podcast, Alex Kirshner has written a post over at FiveThirtyEgiht about a dreadful topic...Good Michigan. The Wolverines have looked impressive in their first three games, outscoring their opponents by 107 total points (the most in the entire FBS, Kirshner notes).

It’s a truly sickening read and if Michigan gets past Rutgers (which they should) and Wisconsin gets past Notre Dame (which WHO KNOWS?) then next weekend at Camp Randall will be a massive Big Ten battle.

Nebraska at No. 20 Michigan State, Saturday, 9/25, 6:00 p.m. CT, FS1; MSU -5

It was one the great embarrassments of my life that, as a 36-year old man, I’ve never even seen one (1) episode of The Wire. Despite this, I still understood that “Tuck Comin’” is a reference to that show and Omar, played wonderfully by the recently deceased Michael K. Williams. Engage in the zeitgeist once in your life, coach!

MSU has surprised a lot of people this year while Nebraska has, predictably, not. It would be pretty hilarious if the Huskers rolled into East Lansing and beat the brakes off the Spartans, so I’m cheering for that.

Akron at No. 10 Ohio State, Saturday, 9/25, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN; OSU -49 (lol)

The people on college football message boards, like some of us I’d imagine, are all sickos. The ones on Ohio State college football message boards? They’re a whole different level.

This story by Ben Koo at Awful Announcing is wild as hell. There’s a bunch of stolen money and a player on the Buckeyes being paid by the site to funnel them game film plus a whole lot more. I recommend reading it because I can’t do it justice in a blurb here and it’ll be better watching this garbage game..

Indiana at Western Kentucky, Saturday, 9/25, 7:00 p.m. CT, CBSSN; IU -9

Indiana absolutely NEEDS a win here. They need it. As long as they don’t look directly into the eyes of WKU’s mascot I think they’ll be able to pull it out...but they’re so round and inviting...NO! Just gotta stay focused.

The Hoosiers might be in trouble.