What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 1 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

Ohio State at Minnesota, Thursday, 9/2, 7:00 p.m. CT, FOX, Minnesota +14

This is a truly loathsome matchup to open the weekend and the only solace I’m taking in it is the fact that one of these teams has to lose. I saw “one of” like it isn’t going to be the Gophers, which is silly. It is going to be them. Sure Ohio State is replacing a bunch of starters and it’s a road opener and blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Ohio State wins this game and I’ll be surprised if they don’t cover.

Anyways, Carl Monday rules and Ohio State sucks.

Michigan State at Northwestern, Friday, 9/3, 8:00 p.m. CT, ESPN; MSU +3

This game is going to be an absolute miserable viewing experience. I, for one, can NOT wait for a national audience to be subjected to this slop. MSU stinks out loud and Northwestern lost more production from last year than any team in America. Only true sickos will stay up to watch the end of this one.

Temple at Rutgers, Saturday, 9/4, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Rutgers -14

This game got moved from Thursday night due to the massive and historic flooding on Wednesday night in New Jersey due to Hurricane Ida. This week has been tough on many people throughout the country due to horrific weather and, somehow, a Temple/Rutgers football game will make a ton of folks happy.

Western Michigan at Michigan, Saturday, 9/4, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN; Michigan -17

Jim Harbaugh is still the coach at Michigan. Will he be by the end of the season? Yeah, probably. Will he be by next season? Well,,,

This should be a nice tune-up game before the Wolverines welcome Washington to the Big, Quiet House. If Michigan fails to cover the spread it will be an enjoyable week of mental gymnastics among the many, many Wolverine fans I follow on Twitter as they try and figure out what this team actually is.

Fordham at Nebraska (0-1 overall, 0-1 Big Ten), Saturday, 9/4, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; no line

The Huskers are a complete sinkhole of a football program. Won’t be discussing them any further.

West Virginia at Maryland, Saturday, 9/4, 2:30 p.m. CT, ESPN; Maryland +3

The first game of my college football (watching) career as a student was Wisconsin at West Virginia. I watched it in the lounge of Ogg Hall with a bunch of the freshmen football players who didn’t make the trip because my roommate wasn’t super into football. You may know my freshman year roommate as Matt Rock, who now likes all college sports so much he writes for this dang website.

Anyways, the Terps will probably lose this game because they aren’t playing Texas who they, unequivocally, dominate.

No. 17 Indiana at No. 18 Iowa, Saturday, 9/4, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Iowa -3.5

The Hoosiers enter this season with Real Expectations for the first time in forever. Opening at Kinnick is a real quick way to chalk up your first loss of the season though. If you aren’t already, you should follow Homefield Apparel as the fully initiate new members into their real purpose as a brand: an Indiana Football Death Cult. You can also go to their website and find the killer Wisconsin line that they released over the summer.

Oregon State at Purdue, Saturday, 9/4, 6:00 p.m. CT, FS1; Purdue -7

Who scheduled this game?!?! Jesus Christ this is bleak. Are these the two most forgettable football teams in each conference? Thank God Clemson/Georgia is on at the same time.

UTSA at Illinois (1-0 overall, 1-0 Big Ten), Saturday, 9/4, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Illinois -4.5

Coming off their first win of the season and of the Bret Bielema era, the Fighting Illini are looking to piece together an ol’ winning streak. The Roadrunners (excellent nickname) are not to be overlooked, however, and are lead by RB Sincere (excellent name!) McCormick and, I’m sure, some other players. It would be VERY funny if the Illini came off their big win over Nebraska and completely shit the bed against UTSA.

For now though...let’s just let Illinois fans be happy.