HIT THE MUSIC!
It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.
Maryland at Illinois, Friday, 9/17, 8:00 p.m. CT, FS1; Illinois +7
It has been all down hill for the Illini since they beat Nebraska to open the season. The Terps, on the other hand, are off to a 2-0 start behind stellar play from QB Taulia Tagovailoa who has thrown for 606 yards (76.2% completion), six TDs and zero picks so far this season. Illinois stinks, making their win over Nebraska even more hilarious, and Maryland should be able to move the ball pretty well and get the win.
There's just no way a 2-0 Terps football team plays a late Friday night road game against a Big Ten team and it isn't excruciating, win or lose. I like this squad, but this specific game is going to be a horrible watch, win or lose. https://t.co/biHFTqvv97— Andrew Emmer (@AndrewEmmer) September 17, 2021
Maryland fans are EXCITED to stay up later for the game.
Nebraska at No. 3 Oklahoma, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; Nebraska +22.5
This game is going to be hilarious. Either the Huskers get freaking steamrolled by a far superior, former conference-mate rival OR the third best team in the country loses at home to a wet paper bag of a football program.
It’s a good thing you won’t be in Norman next weeken…..oh no https://t.co/JmZf5tcl3l— Like Woody (@PaytonGlen) September 12, 2021
FOX’s Ultimate College Football Road Trip featuring Charlotte Wilder and Mark Titus is currently two-for-two in having the home team upset (first Wisconsin against Penn State and then Ohio State against Oregon) so...which is stronger? The absolute suckiness of the Nebraska or The Curse of Charlotte and Titus?
Michigan State at No. 24 Miami (Fla.), Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, ABC; MSU +6.5
I don’t really have a read on either of these teams. The ‘Canes got rolled by the Crimson Tide in Week 1 and then eked out a win against App. State where the thing everyone will remember is the cat that was in the stadium who was saved by fans with an American flag. The Spartans have looked way more competent than you might expect, but they’ve played Northwestern and Youngstown State, perhaps the easiest opening schedule of any team in the country.
just got to Miami. i saw jimmy butler in the gym at 3am shooting 5/23. he yelled at me “RISE AND GRIND!!” to which i replied “go green!” he then replied “go white!” incredible scene here. everyone is crying. obama is there.— ﱞ (@KillaCamReddish) September 17, 2021
Just landed in Miami. Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff are performing their hit “Miami” as I walk out of the airport, with the lyric “I’m going to Miami” changed to “Tuck comin to Miami”, to a loud cheer from the MSU faithful exiting the airport in droves.— Davis (@daviscoughlin34) September 17, 2021
Sounds like Miami is turning into Spartans Country! Wild stuff!
No. 8 Cincinnati at Indiana, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN; IU +3.5
This game was going to be a much bigger deal before the Hoosiers lost to Iowa to open the season. It should, however, still be fun. Indiana will want to get the season back on the right foot by beating a ranked team at home and the Bearcats will want to bolster their resume with a road win over a Power 5 team.
company day off tomorrow and headed to buy tailgate goods. put him on notice pic.twitter.com/wH5XDfIXuD— kyle robbins (@kylerrobbins) September 17, 2021
Hoonsier fans are excited for the game and the extremely online portion of the fan base that I interact with are all planning on being at the game to drink a dangerous amount of Skrewball.
Northern Illinois at No. 25 Michigan, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Michigan -27.5
NIU is booty. Michigan fans are taking their hot start to the season with the presumptive grace and humility. Blake Corum has played well and I like Dan a lot personally but...come on.
I think Corum’s best comp is a mini Saquan. They’ve got the same incredible leg strength and balance and the same jump cut-heavy running style. Corum is just a condensed version— Dan (@ThiccStauskas) September 17, 2021
Of course, on Thursday night Saquon Barkley rushed 13 times for 57 yards and zero touchdowns for the Giants. So maybe Dan’s right!!!
Minnesota at Colorado, Saturday, 9/18, 12:00 p.m. CT, Pac-12 Network; Minnesota +2.5
I get a lot of channels on YouTubeTV but I don’t think anyone, even in the Pacific Northwest, gets the Pac-12 Network. Good look Gopher fans, your team is so unwatchable that they put it on a made up channel! The Buffaloes lost to Texas A&M ::double checks score:: 10-7 (!!!) last week, so the defense must be good (?). I don’t know, I’m not looking into Colarado football any further than I have.
Fashion news: #Gophers will bring back its shiny gold helmet for first time this season in Saturday's game against Colorado; it's a look the Buffaloes often goes with. Minnesota will pair that hat with white jerseys and white pants when they come out at Folsom Field in Boulder. pic.twitter.com/8etuSAQoz9— Andy Greder (@andygreder) September 17, 2021
If the Gophers lose I bet P.J. Fleck has to row this boat back to the Twin Cities.
Purdue at No. 12 Notre Dame, Saturday, 9/18, 1:30 p.m. CT, NBC; Purdue +7.5
Probably the most interesting day of the game for us Wisconsin fans as the Badgers will play the Irish next and the Boilermakers later in the year. However, the biggest news of the week is the fact that Notre Dame will not allow Purdue’s Moderately Sized Drum into the stadium on Saturday.
look Purdue needs to lower the drum into Notre Dame Stadium via helicopter without asking permission— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) September 16, 2021
In what is being called Operation Drumbo Drop by many on the internet, there are apparently plans in the works to get the drum into the stadium. How legitimate they are remains to be seen...but I would pay easily $15 to see the Boilermakers do this.
Kent State at No. 5 Iowa, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Iowa -22.5
Former Hawkeye Big E won the WWE Championship earlier this week, which rules. If this is the Year of Iowa, though, it’s going to be a real bummer tbqh. A top-five Iowa this early in the season? What am I supposed to tell my kids???????
Tulsa at No. 9 Ohio State, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1; OSU -24.5
Y’all seen this absolute psycho shit? Look at Urban and Shelley Meyer’s coffee table!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHO DOES THAT?!?! I hate it so much I can barely put it into words. Where do you put your coffee? Where do you put anything?!?!
So cool to be invited into the home of Shelley and Urban Meyer. Thought you’d like to see inside the home of the Jags’ head coach. I loved all the pictures. Shelley says Urban put every single one out + guess who used to live in this house? + funny story how they met. @FCN2go pic.twitter.com/BLFRdRbkXH— Jeannie Blaylock (@JeannieBlaylock) September 17, 2021
I guess this is one of those Personal News posts people are always doing, lol!— Drew Hamm (@drewhamm5) September 17, 2021
For the past few months, I’ve been assisting Urban and Shelley Meyer with interior design on their house in Jacksonville. Excited to log on and see the big report that came out today!
Urban Meyer has done many actual horrible things throughout his football coaching career but this is just sick. Weird, weird stuff!
Delaware at Rutgers, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Rutgers is favored probably
Why is this game? Who is this for? Puke city.
Northwestern at Duke, Saturday, 9/18, 3:00 p.m. CT, ACCN; NU -2.5
These frigging nerds. What a despicable matchup of future hedge fund managers and venture capitalists. Both of these teams are Big Bad, so like Ace notes it’s for certified Sickos only.
the N00D game cometh— lifelong orlando magic fan ace (@AceAnbender) September 17, 2021
No. 22 Auburn at No. 10 Penn State, Saturday, 9/18, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC; PSU -5
This will be a fun game that will show which of these teams is going to be a true contender in their respective conference. The cowardly Tigers from the Plains of Alabama haven’t been this far north for a road game since a 1931 trip to Madison. What did Badgers fans do to Auburn that made them avoid Big Ten road games for 90 years?
Auburn at Penn State is:— Matt Brown (@MattBrownCFB) September 14, 2021
1) Auburn’s first B1G road trip since 1931 at Wisconsin
2) Only the 3rd time a ranked SEC team has visited a ranked B1G team (in conferences at time of game), joining 2011 Bama at PSU and 1965 Georgia at Michigan
Auburn QB Bo Nix stinks on the road and Penn State QB Sean Clifford stinks anywhere so this also has potential to be a disastrous, turnover-fueled, slop-fest!