What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 3 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

Maryland at Illinois, Friday, 9/17, 8:00 p.m. CT, FS1; Illinois +7

It has been all down hill for the Illini since they beat Nebraska to open the season. The Terps, on the other hand, are off to a 2-0 start behind stellar play from QB Taulia Tagovailoa who has thrown for 606 yards (76.2% completion), six TDs and zero picks so far this season. Illinois stinks, making their win over Nebraska even more hilarious, and Maryland should be able to move the ball pretty well and get the win.

Maryland fans are EXCITED to stay up later for the game.

Nebraska at No. 3 Oklahoma, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; Nebraska +22.5

This game is going to be hilarious. Either the Huskers get freaking steamrolled by a far superior, former conference-mate rival OR the third best team in the country loses at home to a wet paper bag of a football program.

FOX’s Ultimate College Football Road Trip featuring Charlotte Wilder and Mark Titus is currently two-for-two in having the home team upset (first Wisconsin against Penn State and then Ohio State against Oregon) so...which is stronger? The absolute suckiness of the Nebraska or The Curse of Charlotte and Titus?

Michigan State at No. 24 Miami (Fla.), Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, ABC; MSU +6.5

I don’t really have a read on either of these teams. The ‘Canes got rolled by the Crimson Tide in Week 1 and then eked out a win against App. State where the thing everyone will remember is the cat that was in the stadium who was saved by fans with an American flag. The Spartans have looked way more competent than you might expect, but they’ve played Northwestern and Youngstown State, perhaps the easiest opening schedule of any team in the country.

Sounds like Miami is turning into Spartans Country! Wild stuff!

No. 8 Cincinnati at Indiana, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN; IU +3.5

This game was going to be a much bigger deal before the Hoosiers lost to Iowa to open the season. It should, however, still be fun. Indiana will want to get the season back on the right foot by beating a ranked team at home and the Bearcats will want to bolster their resume with a road win over a Power 5 team.

Hoonsier fans are excited for the game and the extremely online portion of the fan base that I interact with are all planning on being at the game to drink a dangerous amount of Skrewball.

Northern Illinois at No. 25 Michigan, Saturday, 9/18, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Michigan -27.5

NIU is booty. Michigan fans are taking their hot start to the season with the presumptive grace and humility. Blake Corum has played well and I like Dan a lot personally but...come on.

Of course, on Thursday night Saquon Barkley rushed 13 times for 57 yards and zero touchdowns for the Giants. So maybe Dan’s right!!!

Minnesota at Colorado, Saturday, 9/18, 12:00 p.m. CT, Pac-12 Network; Minnesota +2.5

I get a lot of channels on YouTubeTV but I don’t think anyone, even in the Pacific Northwest, gets the Pac-12 Network. Good look Gopher fans, your team is so unwatchable that they put it on a made up channel! The Buffaloes lost to Texas A&M ::double checks score:: 10-7 (!!!) last week, so the defense must be good (?). I don’t know, I’m not looking into Colarado football any further than I have.

If the Gophers lose I bet P.J. Fleck has to row this boat back to the Twin Cities.

Purdue at No. 12 Notre Dame, Saturday, 9/18, 1:30 p.m. CT, NBC; Purdue +7.5

Probably the most interesting day of the game for us Wisconsin fans as the Badgers will play the Irish next and the Boilermakers later in the year. However, the biggest news of the week is the fact that Notre Dame will not allow Purdue’s Moderately Sized Drum into the stadium on Saturday.

In what is being called Operation Drumbo Drop by many on the internet, there are apparently plans in the works to get the drum into the stadium. How legitimate they are remains to be seen...but I would pay easily $15 to see the Boilermakers do this.

Kent State at No. 5 Iowa, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Iowa -22.5

Former Hawkeye Big E won the WWE Championship earlier this week, which rules. If this is the Year of Iowa, though, it’s going to be a real bummer tbqh. A top-five Iowa this early in the season? What am I supposed to tell my kids???????

Tulsa at No. 9 Ohio State, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1; OSU -24.5

Y’all seen this absolute psycho shit? Look at Urban and Shelley Meyer’s coffee table!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? WHO DOES THAT?!?! I hate it so much I can barely put it into words. Where do you put your coffee? Where do you put anything?!?!

Urban Meyer has done many actual horrible things throughout his football coaching career but this is just sick. Weird, weird stuff!

Delaware at Rutgers, Saturday, 9/18, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Rutgers is favored probably

Why is this game? Who is this for? Puke city.

Northwestern at Duke, Saturday, 9/18, 3:00 p.m. CT, ACCN; NU -2.5

These frigging nerds. What a despicable matchup of future hedge fund managers and venture capitalists. Both of these teams are Big Bad, so like Ace notes it’s for certified Sickos only.

No. 22 Auburn at No. 10 Penn State, Saturday, 9/18, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC; PSU -5

This will be a fun game that will show which of these teams is going to be a true contender in their respective conference. The cowardly Tigers from the Plains of Alabama haven’t been this far north for a road game since a 1931 trip to Madison. What did Badgers fans do to Auburn that made them avoid Big Ten road games for 90 years?

Auburn QB Bo Nix stinks on the road and Penn State QB Sean Clifford stinks anywhere so this also has potential to be a disastrous, turnover-fueled, slop-fest!