What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Bowl Season preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football bowl season that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

Guaranteed Rate Bowl: West Virginia vs. Minnesota, Tuesday, 12/28, 8:15 p.m. CT, ESPN; Minnesota -5

I may be in the minority here, but I love what the Gophers do with Goldy on their football helmets. These helmets are super cool and I wish Wisconsin would incorporate Bucky into more of their alternate uniforms. I wonder if the football team would ever do something like the men’s basketball team, where they allow the players to design a uniform in the coming seasons?

Ugh, alright, that’s enough nice stuff about Minnesota. Hopefully West Virginia beats them by 30.

Pinstripe Bowl: Maryland vs. Virginia Tech, Wednesday, 12/29, 12:15 p.m. CT, ESPN; Maryland -3.5

Doesn’t this seem like way more of a conference game than any time Maryland plays any team from the Big Ten? Pretty sure I’ve moved completely into the camp of “Maryland is a worse addition to the conference than Rutgers and should leave posthaste.”

I made homemade eggnog on Christmas and after having chilled it in the fridge for a long time and it not being cold enough, I was reminded by my brother-in-law that we live Minnesota and I should just put the pitcher outside. That bad boy was cold as hell in no time and also delicious! Shoutout Andrew Zimmern’s recipe!

Music City Bowl: Tennessee vs. Purdue, Thursday, 12/30, 2:00 p.m. CT, ESPN; Tennessee -5

Making fun of Tennessee fans online is great. They are also probably the fan base most likely to be scammed in a MLM, or maybe NFT, scheme, so if you’re ever short on cash...free idea for you. Smokey the Dog’s whereabouts on Jan. 6 are still unknown, FYI.

Peach Bowl: No. 12 Pitt vs. No. 10 Michigan State, Thursday, 12/30, 6:00 p.m. CT, ESPN; MSU -2.5

I haven’t seen the new Matrix movie, or the new Spider-Man...or really any new movies, yet but I’m excited to see them one day! A family tradition of mine is to go see a movie on Christmas afternoon/night once we are tired of talking to each other, and I think it’s a great reprieve.

Did y’all have a nice Christmas with your family (whether you were celebrating the holiday or not)? I hope so!

Las Vegas Bowl: Wisconsin vs. Arizona State, Thursday, 12/30, 9:30 p.m. CT, ESPN; Wisconsin -6

This video sums up my feelings every game watching Wisconsin football. I feel pretty good at the beginning but then I pan over and everything is a God damn disaster.

Anyway, Arizona State sucks. Their school invents new, medicine-proof STDs every Welcome Week, their graduates are only good for selling makeup kits or horse steroids on Instagram and every time a grandparent is grifted out of their credit card number? Yup, you guessed it, an Arizona State grad was the one saying they are from the IRS.

Gator Bowl: Wake Forest vs. Rutgers, Friday, 12/31, 10:00 a.m. CT, ESPN; Wake -14

Because they have the highest Nerd Score (aka as their APR score) of any 5-7 team, the Rutgers Scarlet Knights are now in a bowl game after Texas A&M had to drop out.

It is perfectly Rutgers that this is the way the Scarlet Knights got to go to their most prestigious bowl game in program history. A once-in-a-generation pandemic hits and Rutgers are the only ones who benefit. The wonders of 2021 do not cease!

Orange Bowl, CFP Semifinal: No. 3 Georgia vs. No. 2 Michigan, Friday, 12/31, 6:30 p.m. CT, ESPN; UGa -7.5

It is brutal that Georgia fans are making Michigan fans seem cool and sympathetic. My pal Dan, @ThiccStauskas on Twitter, is an insufferable Michigan Man and I have found myself agreeing with him TOO MUCH over the past couple of weeks as he needles Dawg fans online.

I still haven’t decided who I’m going to cheer for in this game, but the fact that it is even a question infuriates me. Get your shit together, Georgia fans!

Outback Bowl: Penn State vs. No. 21 Arkansas, Saturday, 1/1, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN2; PSU -1

Terrible that this kid will never be coached by Coach O at LSU.

I have few to zero thoughts on this game. I hope that kid got some gumbo for Christmas.

Citrus Bowl: No. 15 Iowa vs. No. 22 Kentucky, Saturday, 1/1, 12:00 p.m. CT, ABC; UK -3

I hope the Citrus Bowl has stocked up on Busch Light because the Iowa fans are going to need an IV of that shit to ward off their New Year’s Eve hangover.

On a more important note, let’s rewatch Wisconsin’s national championship winning point against Nebraska! Imagine watching this match and still being like “eh, women’s sports will never catch on.”

Rose Bowl: No. 11 Utah vs. No. 6 Ohio State, Saturday, 1/1, 4:00 p.m. CT, ESPN; OSU -6.5

I know that I am more online than most people, this is not a brag by the way...it’s disgusting, but one thing giving me joy this holiday season has been the absolute, complete, total meltdown that Buckeyes fans have been having since they lost to Michigan. They are down absurdly bad and can’t stop posting about it.

These incredible losers simply aren’t built for anything other than complete dominance. They lose to Michigan for the second time in two decades and are now basically pretending that football doesn’t exist anymore. There are going to be, like, 1,000 OSU fans at the Rose Bowl, inarguably the coolest bowl game, because these crybabies are sick in the freaking head.

I have met some genuinely cool and normal Buckeyes fans throughout my life, but the vast majority of them deserve nothing but seasons like this for the rest of their miserable existence. Michigan beating them is the best thing the Wolverines have done in years.