What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 10 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 5 Ohio State at Nebraska, Saturday, 11/6, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; OSU -15

I admit that I was guilty of thinking Nebraska was “sneaky good” earlier this year. I am embarrassed and, as always, no one should listen to me about anything related to sports because I am an idiot. Scott Frost is a loser and will always be a loser. This is my final, immutable, statement on the matter.

As a large man myself, there is nothing more rewarding than seeing an even larger man score a touchdown. Last Saturday night, Ohio State defensive lineman Jerron Cage lived out every large man’s dream by scooping and scoring a touchdown against Penn State.

AIN’T NEVER SEEN A BIG BOY GET IN THE ENDZONE!

Illinois at No. 20 Minnesota, Saturday, 11/6, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN2; Minnesota -14.5

The Gophers, much like the Badgers, control their own destiny in the Big Ten West this year and are currently the highest ranked team in the division too. The Big Ten West is one of the worst divisions in college football and, well, someone has to win it! Someone will end the season “still alive.”

No. 21 Wisconsin at Rutgers, Saturday, 11/6, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Wisconsin -13

When the CFP rankings came out earlier this week I was surprised to find the Badgers in there because, while they’ve played better of later, they are still mostly stinky. So are Minnesota and Iowa and yet...they are ranked too! The reasoning for this, of course, is so that whichever one of these three Suck Factories wins the division will be ranked high enough to make Ohio State look good in the Big Ten Championship game.

Speaking of the Playoff rankings, my undefeated Roadrunners of UTSA are not in there and that is devastating although not unexpected.

Teams in the G5 will never be give a chance in the actual Playoff so why would the committee even bother ranking others besides the “best” one. It sucks and it needs to change and I’m slowly being radicalized to the idea of scrapping the CFP completely and going back to when five different teams could claim a national title and we all just argue about that instead.

No. 3 Michigan State at Purdue, Saturday, 11/6, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC; MSU -3

Everyone knows that being a top-five team and playing Purdue, especially at Purdue, is a a bonafide Trap Game. The Boilermakers are good for very little in the college football world except for being grade A season ruiners. MSU isn’t as big of a fraud as the Fraudowa Fraudeyes, but the Spartans, like every team in the Big Ten, aren’t very good. Losing to Purdue in some slop-fest the weekend after beating Michigan in an absolute thriller would be perfect and that is why I’m cheering for that the most out of anything this weekend.

Penn State at Maryland, Saturday, 11/6, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1; PSU -10

My grandmother on my dad’s side was huge into genealogy and I wish she were still alive for many reasons, not the least of which is trying to explain to her what Twitter is so I can show her this joke.

The most disappointing part of her in-depth genealogy binder that she gave me was that I found out we aren’t related to the Hamms of Hamm’s beer. On the other hand, I do think I’m distantly related to Liverpool midfielder James Milner, so I’ve got that going for me.

No. 22 Iowa at Northwestern, Saturday, 11/6, 6:00 p.m. CT, BTN; Iowa -12

You ever think about how weird it is that Northwestern is in the Big Ten? Like, everything about their school goes against the, for lack of a better term, Big Ten-ness of the rest of the conference. Even Nebraska, Penn State, Maryland and Rutgers are big, dumb state schools where you would find people who are addicted to Pork N’ Beans. You would be expelled from Northwestern for even thinking about something as...common as Pork N’ Beans.

Indiana at No. 7 Michigan, Saturday, 11/6, 6:30 p.m. CT, FOX; Michigan -20

It always makes me so happy when there is something happening online and I have zero knowledge of it and strange tweets mean nothing to me. I am Extremely Online, so this doesn’t happen often, but when it does it really feels like I did something with my day instead of getting involved in the discourse of the day.

All that being said, earlier in the week I was VERY MUCH INVOLVED in the Texas special team coach’s girlfriend’s monkey allegedly bit a kid during Halloween and also the girlfriend was a stripper that has appeared on Jerry Springer and whose stage name is Pole Assassin and also the monkey preformed with her, uh, discourse.

I love what football coaches decide are “a personal matter” and what are things that must be addressed. Personally, I’d only want to talk about the monkey and maybe even invite the monkey to practice to give the team a pep talk.