What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 13 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 16 Iowa at Nebraska, Friday, 11/26, 12:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Nebraska -1

“The grim reality of the Nebraska Cornhuskers finishing yet another season with a losing record proved to be too much to bear for Milton Andrew Munson, who decided he’d seen enough of this world during the team’s recent bye week.”

I...I’ll never be able to fry up the Huskers as bad as Milton Andrew Munson who LITERALLY DIED instead of watching them play anymore. I am in awe of this man’s commitment to the bit of hating his favorite team. I really hope Nebraska pulls off the upset in memory of Munson.

No. 2 Ohio State at No. 5 Michigan, Saturday, 11/27, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; OSU -8

This man is, quite frankly, lucky to be alive. Grandmas take few things more seriously than the spread at Thanksgiving and this is demonic, “watch the world burn” behavior where no jury in the world would convict her.

On another Thanksgiving note, do you think Michigan fans enjoyed the holiday yesterday? The Lions lost which, well, that was expected, but then there was the looming specter of the Buckeyes hanging over the festivities. The Wolverines best season in years is going to be remembered as a huge, stinky failure because Jim Harbaugh couldn’t beat MSU or OSU.

Lol, whatever, I don’t care. Michigan fans deserve to have crappy holidays.

Maryland at Rutgers, Saturday, 11/27, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Maryland -1.5

The only thing more brutal than this tweet would be if the guy woke up, still on the tarmac at his departing airport and then they made him watch all of this Maryland/Rutgers game. Winner of this game becomes bowl eligible. Loser remains Maryland or Rutgers.

Penn State at No. 12 Michigan State, Saturday, 11/27, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC; PSU -1.5

While this dustup between the Lakers and Pistons, caused by and because LeBron James is a dirty player and elbowed Isaiah Stewart in the face, was one of the few times I thought that an NBA player actually wanted to throw hands. Stewart was HEATED (and rightfully so). The rest of the time NBA players look like they’re going to “fight” it’s mostly just waiting for their teammates to show up and hold them back.

For instance...see Russell Westbrook here. Squaring up like the freaking Marquess of Queensberry was overseeing this bout. Maybe work on your help defense and not play-fighting in the mirror next time, Brodie.

Anyways, MSU was proven to be as fraudulent as the rest of the teams in the conference (not named Ohio State) after playing the Buckeyes.

Northwestern at Illinois, Saturday, 11/27, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Illinois -6.5

The fact that it WASN’T the Lions that tried to defer after the other team already deferred is shocking. Technically, I think the Bears could have deferred and thus kicked off BOTH halves of the game and the ref, quite frankly, should’ve let them. See how secure trash-ass Matt Nagy’s job is when his team doesn’t get the ball to start either half.

It wouldn’t have mattered because the Lions will always, ALWAYS lose when weirdness is afoot. Bears fans and Illini fans can’t be a mentally stable group of people.

Indiana at Purdue, Saturday, 11/27, 2:30 p.m. CT, FS1; Purdue -16

Kyle Kuzma isn’t mad you’re making fun of his extremely large sweater on Instagram, it’s actually funny to him. This Indiana football campaign is the Kyle Kuzma sweater of the Big Ten season. Embarrassingly long, someone clearly thought it was a good idea before it was executed, and roasted online by just about everyone.

It would be really funny if IU beat Purdue though, so I’m cheering for that.

No. 14 Wisconsin at Minnesota, Saturday, 11/27, 3:00 p.m. CT, FOX; UW -7

There is no one in the world of sport more wholesome and pure than Giannis Antetokounmpo. If it ever comes out that he was secretly a dick to, like, all the support staff at the arena or something I will be DEVASTATED.

Completely unrelated: I’ll be covering the battle for Paul Bunyan’s Axe live from the press box. If you’re going to the game give me a shout and I’ll try and stop by to say hello if you’re tailgating.