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What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 11 preview

We’re talking Thanos, Shailene Woodley and quality losses in the only Big Ten football preview you need.

NCAA Football: Iowa at Minnesota Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 6 Michigan at Penn State, Saturday, 11/13, 11:00 a.m. CT, ABC; Michigan -1.5

Much like this Michigan/Penn State game, I have a lot of questions about the below image. First of all, when did Jesus and Thanos ever even cross paths? Is Jesus planning on using the Infinity Gauntlet? If Thanos is so sad about what he did, why didn’t he just reverse The Snap? Was Thanos born a Christian or did he convert? I wonder what his favorite hymn is? What building is this painted on? Was it commissioned or did someone do it as a joke? If it WAS commissioned...why? What message is being sent here?

Penn State, despite having the same record and a head-to-head win over No. 18 Wisconsin, still isn’t ranked by the CFP. You’d have to assume they’ll be ranked next week if they beat Michigan but, as can be proven by that picture, stranger things have happened.

Northwestern at No. 18 Wisconsin, Saturday, 11/13, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN2; UW -24.5

These guys (Please Don’t Destroy) are on SNL now, which is cool for them because I’m sure they’re getting a lot more money and is cool for SNL because these guys are actually funny. You know what else is funny? Scathing pop culture criticism like making fun of SNL!

This is their funniest video and it is even funnier (maybe less funny?) for Packers fans because Aaron Rodgers is referenced in it. GOING WOODLEY MODE!!!!!

I hope the Badgers have Northwestern taken care of by the start of the fourth quarter so that I can just watch this video on repeat and giggle.

Rutgers at Indiana, Saturday, 11/13, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; IU -7

Can we get a “congrats Allie Post” going in the comments? It’s really cool to see our No. 1 Big Ten Soccer Knowner and New Jersey Stan, J.J. Post, have his little sister sign with Rutgers to play soccer next season.

I don’t know how this football game will go but I sure as shit know it’ll be stupid. Probably worth keeping an eye on as a flipback late in the morning games.

No. 19 Purdue at No. 4 Ohio State, Saturday, 11/13, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC; OSU -21

Oregon beating Ohio State and being ranked ahead of them, since both teams have the same record, in the CFP makes sense, right? Right. Which makes Michigan being ranked ahead of Michigan State, despite having the same record and a head-to-head LOSS, super freaking hilarious. We’ll discuss this more below, but for now watch this Washington Huskies fan try to own an Oregon Ducks fan and everyone ends up looking dumb.

I’ll have you know, I picked Purdue to win this game because I ain’t getting off their Upset Train until it goes off the rails! BOILER UP!

Minnesota at No. 20 Iowa, Saturday, 11/13, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Iowa -5

Is friend of the blog Jordan Bohannon older than me, a mid-thirties person? Since he has been in college since the first Bush administration, or something, I’m going to say yes. Hopefully he’s still willing to mix it up with us on Twitter because he’s fun to banter with. I can’t, for the life of me, remember which one of these Big Ten West clown cars Wisconsin fans are supposed to cheer for here, but I’m sure I’ll be upset no matter the result.

Maryland at No. 7 Michigan State, Saturday, 11/13, 3:00 p.m. CT, FOX; MSU -13

J.J. makes an excellent point here. If Michigan State wants to be treated with respect by the Playoff Committee, they need a quality loss to someone in the top-ten. Purdue just isn’t going to cut it. Maybe a loss to Ohio State will get them back above Michigan, but you can never be too sure because the Wolverines will ALSO lose to the Buckeyes so then we are right back to square one. The data seems clear to me: Michigan > Michigan State. Numbers never lie.

Nebraska vs. BYE Week

While I was initially excited to not have to discuss the Huskers in this week’s post since they are on a bye, this outrageous quote needs a response. And the response is this: Nebraska is 1-7 in the Big Ten this year, since joining the Big Ten they are 1-8 against Wisconsin (including seven straight losses) and 3-7 against Iowa (including six straight losses). These people are so delusional that Scott Frost might end up getting another contract extension so he can get his third round of “his guys” in there to right the ship.