What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 6 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 11 Michigan State at Rutgers, Saturday, 10/9, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; MSU -5

Apparently these two ancient rivals have been arguing over the term “chop” this week. Greg Schiano and Rutgers trademarked the term during his first tenure in charge of the Scarlet Knights, but now Mel Tucker and MSU have renamed their stadium (I don’t remember and I won’t look it up) the Wood Shed and, well, what else are you supposed to do in the wood shed except chop?

I think the only way to settle this is to have Schiano and Tucker compete in all of the events from the Lumberjack Games.

Maryland at No. 7 Ohio State, Saturday, 10/9, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; OSU -20.5

Since it isn’t September anymore, Maryland stinks again. Ohio State has been hitting their stride over the past two weeks and annoyingly seems to be rounding into form. So, let’s skip discussing this game and talk about former Buckeyes coach Urban Meyer!

After the Jacksonville Jaguars, the team he coaches now btw, lost to the Bengals on Thursday night Meyer decided to skip the team flight home and stay in Ohio to see his family. What a great leader he is! The Jags, who are 0-4 in Meyer’s tenure, sure do know how to pick ‘em.

While that is probably the more egregious “lapse in judgement” in regards to his actual job, the more hilarious thing that happened was after Meyer had dinner with his family (at the restaurant he owns natch). These pictures and videos of Meyer and a woman, who is not his wife, dancing (???) spread like wildfire on Twitter over the weekend.

It’s funny that this is what brought such a level of scrutiny on Meyer being hired by the Jags. He has done so many other terrible things that has proven he should not be the leader of a neighborhood potluck, let alone a professional football team. Keep in mind that Meyer used to TEACH A COURSE ON LEADERSHIP at Ohio State which, at a minimum, should make anyone hiring for a job question any applicants with an OSU degree.

Anyways, check out the definitive review of Urban’s tacky steakhouse by friends of the blog Patrick Mayhorn and Bill DiFilippo.

Wisconsin at Illinois, Saturday, 10/9, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; UW -10

I’ve been thinking a lot about this over the past week and I’ve come to a decision. I am just not going to get worked up about Wisconsin Badgers football anymore. I’m just not going to do it! I quit smoking cold turkey nearly a decade ago so why should this be any different? I have been a Wisconsin football fan for my entire life and it almost always has caused me to be angry or upset. To be fair, I’ve probably (read: definitely) had an unhealthy relationship with sports for most of my life so I don’t think this is Wisconsin football’s FAULT by any means. It’s a “me” problem.

Instead of getting worked up, I’m going to crack jokes online with my pals and cheer for the good plays that Wisconsin makes. Once I stopped caring about how the Eagles did, they literally won the Super Bowl five months later. All I’m asking the Badgers to do is beat Illinois.

Let’s see how long this lasts!

No. 4 Penn State at No. 3 Iowa, Saturday, 10/9, 3:00 p.m. CT, FOX; Iowa -2

An early-season Big Ten game with legitimate College Football Playoff ramifications! That’s pretty cool. Fuck that, however, let’s talk about the time these teams played a game that ended 6-4.

This game was amazing. Listen to this from the game recap:

Iowa handed the Nittany Lions their final points, conceding a safety instead of punting from its own end zone late in the fourth quarter. The strategy worked perfectly when the Hawkeyes intercepted Penn State for the fourth time.

“It was a pretty obvious decision,” Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz said. “Typically, if you punt off your own 1-yard line, it’s almost a guaranteed three for the other team. And this type of game, I sure as heck didn’t want to give them three easy ones. Just take the safety and ride our defense.”

FERENTZ KNEW ZACK MILLS COULDN’T MOVE THE BALL TO GET PSU INTO FIELD GOAL RANGE ON A FULL FIELD AND HE WAS RIGHT!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If you are a PSU fan this game had to have Jokerfied you forever. I could never take my team seriously again if they lost a game like this.

Iowa had three first downs in the whole second half. PSU had the ball inside the 10-yard line TWICE and didn’t score any points. READ THIS SAD SENTENCE!

“The Nittany Lions took 2-0 lead on the first possession — Penn State’s first lead in a Big Ten game this season — when the snap went over punter David Bradley’s head and into the end zone. Bradley kicked the ball out the back of the end zone to score the safety.”

Can’t let these teams think they’re better than anybody because they’re undefeated now. We all know where they came from.

No. 9 Michigan at Nebraska, Saturday, 10/9, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC; Michigan -3.5

As we head into the weekend, I want you to bring the level of pure, unadulterated vitriol that Michigan has for their outgoing president to whatever task you choose to tackle.

Also, uh, I’ll never admit it and you can’t prove I even typed this sentence but...Nebraska has looked kinda decent this year OK BYE!