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What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 9 preview

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Heartland Trophy. Paul Bunyan Trophy. Illinutgers. Tons of huge rivalries in the Big Ten this weekend!

Syndication: The Columbus Dispatch
Two teams going in opposite directions. Sad.
Adam Cairns/Columbus Dispatch / USA TODAY NETWORK

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 6 Michigan at No. 9 Michigan State, Saturday, 10/30, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; Michigan -4

Man, it’s so nice to have @crafty_consumer back and making content online. That dude just makes hit after hit and this one...this may be his finest work.

Michigan/Michigan State is going to be a bloodbath, both on the field and on the various social media that these fans find themselves on. The funniest outcome, by far, is Michigan State winning due to a Cade McNamara mistake. All week (season?) Michigan fans have been arguing about whether or not McNamara (higher floor QB) or stud freshman J.J. McCarthy (higher ceiling QB) should be getting the majority of the snaps. A close loss to a top-10 team where McNamara makes the game deciding mistake will send the Wolverine fanbase into a tizzy.

Also, this would be MSU’s second straight win in the series and that is also hilarious because MSU was outright bad last season and kinda bad this season. All of the good vibes that surround Jim Harbaugh’s program currently would be GONE and the Wolverines might spiral into a few more losses (at Penn State and vs. Ohio State remain on the schedule) and then we’d have a whole ‘nother offseason of The Harbaugh Discourse.

Anyways, I follow way to many Michigan and MSU fans to have this many thoughts on this game. I need to log off.

No. 9 Iowa at Wisconsin, Saturday, 10/30, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN; Wisconsin -3.5

This is going to be an affront to everything you love about sport and, quite honestly, life. At the end of this game, regardless of outcome, you are going to have a ton of questions about the choices you’ve made in your life that you’ve, presumably, watched Wisconsin and Iowa play football multiple times.

This is going to be a race to the bottom between Kirk Ferentz and Paul Chryst for who can make the most cowardly fourth down decision in opposition territory. I thiiiiink Chryst will be less of a coward, but in what will surely be a close game he may clam up real hard. I hate this game so much already.

Rutgers at Illinois, Saturday, 10/30, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Rutgers -1.5

Longtime, and short time, readers of this site know that I am from outside of Philadelphia and am a fan of Philadelphia sports teams. It has been a bleak existence for most of my life but it didn’t have to be that way.

Neither of my parents are from Philadelphia! My mom is an Army brat and my dad is from Wisconsin. Neither of them had strong feelings about Philadelphia sports outside of them being the local teams that everyone talked about. Hell, there are many, many pictures of me wearing Green Bay Packers gear growing up. I COULD HAVE BEEN A PACKERS FAN AND I BLEW IT!

What the hell was I thinking? The Packers won a Super Bowl when I was in my prime “deciding who to root for” years and I still ended up picking the Eagles. Throw the Phillies, Sixers and Flyers on top of that, not to mention whatever the hell is going on with Badgers sports in any given season, and I was regularly “mad about sports.”

As I’ve grown older I’ve managed to grow out of some of the psychosis that is required to follow sports and now, I swear to God, the only Philly team that still “gets to me” is the Sixers. It’s a great existence otherwise because hopping on and off of the caring about the team bandwagon rules.

The stupid-ass Phillies win a couple of games in a row to close the gap in the division? Great, let’s talk some trash! They lose six in a row right after that (which they always do), who cares! Doesn’t bother me any! I’m trying to get to this place with the Badgers too, but I am not there. Even when I go into the game thinking “who cares what happens, it’s just a game” by the time the first couple minutes have elapsed I’m nervously pacing behind the couch like a lunatic.

Anyway, sports should be fun! I’m trying to remember that more.

Indiana at Maryland, Saturday, 10/30, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Maryland -5.5

Who is your favorite athlete of all-time that you have no emotional connection to the team they played for or where they’re from or whatever, you just really like their vibe. Because, if it isn’t Marshawn Lynch...I don’t know who else you’d pick.

It should also be noted that Lynch almost immediately said “fuck” on the broadcast. He IS a national treasure.

Minnesota at Northwestern, Saturday, 10/30, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Minnesota -7.5

I don’t know if this woman’s wife divorced her for real, but the video is amazing. If someone tried to make me watch Minnesota at Northwestern I would divorce them regardless of if I were married to them.

Purdue at Nebraska, Saturday, 10/30, 2:30 p.m. CT, ESPN2; Nebraska -7.5

Huskers fans are the biggest bunch of losers on the planet. “Give the guy a break?” Why?!?! If he can’t get Nebraska bowl eligible in his fourth season he needs to hit the bricks. It is also laughable that this person writing into the paper said that the pandemic reduced their practice time...when Scott Frost is accused of having his team practice off campus during the pandemic so that they wouldn’t be detected.

Happy Scott Frost Day to us all!

No. 20 Penn State at No. 5 Ohio State, Saturday, 10/30, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC; OSU -18.5

James Franklin has balls the size of Randy Marsh’s from that South Park episode where he had to carry them around in a wheelbarrow. He literally just lost to Illinois, in nine overtimes, at home and he is out here at media availibility planting seeds about “moving parts” so that Penn State will pony up and give him more money to stay and not take the Southern Cal or LSU job.

Just an absurdly funny quote. College sports are the best.