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What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 7 preview

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THE CURDERBURGER IS HERE AND IT’S INCREDIBLE!

NCAA Football: Nebraska at Minnesota
These two chodes are playing for a cool trophy this weekend.
Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 10 Michigan State at Indiana, Saturday, 10/16, 11:00 a.m. CT, FS1; MSU -4.5

The Big Ten East is stacked so far this season. The conference as a whole has half of the top-10 in the latest polls and the East Division has four of those five teams. It’s a good division while the West is.......not.

Wisconsin stinks, Northwestern is an affront to God, Minnesota stinks, Nebraska is better than they were but still stinks, Iowa is fraudulent, I forgot about Purdue even playing football just now and Illinois is Illinois (decidedly not a compliment). The Big Ten is not stronger at the bottom and Nebraska fans, coaches and media are all a bunch of whiny babies that should shut the hell up.

Nebraska at Minnesota, Saturday, 10/16, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN2; Nebraska -4

It’s always funny to remember how small of a minority the online fans of any fanbase are. The online Nebraska fans? Easily one of the most loathsome groups of people on planet Earth. The Nebraska fans who attend games in Lincoln? Universally loved and complimented by just about everyone.

I know it is anathema to us to support Nebraska or Minnesota in any way, but donating to the $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy competition is good and helps out sick kids. Since I live in Minnesota, I donated $10 to the Gophers and the University of Minnesota Masonic Children’s Hospital.

Rutgers at Northwestern, Saturday, 10/16, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Rutgers -2

People who don’t like fall seasonal foods/drinks make no sense to me. Candy corn is awesome. The pumpkin cream cold brew at Starbucks is a miracle of modern science. Oktoberfest beers are the perfect complement to a crisp, fall morning before heading inside a stadium to watch football.

I can’t believe they’re not only making Northwestern and Rutgers play a game of football, but televising it too. Haven’t the past 20ish months been hard enough on everyone?

Purdue at No. 2 Iowa, Saturday, 10/16, 2:30 p.m. CT, ABC; Iowa -11.5

Nothing would be more hilarious to me than Purdue going into Iowa and knocking the fraudulent, undefeated Hawkeyes down a peg or seven. All week Iowa fans and Penn State fans have been chirpring at each other about the Hawk fans “booing injured PSU players” because they thought the Nittany Lions were faking it. As usual, the nerds have an answer to the question.

OF COURSE PSU WASN’T FAKING INJURIES! The last time any Iowa Hawkeye hurried up to do anything it was to cover up years of coaches being racist and making Black players feel unwelcome on campus. Get a grip, Iowa.

Army at Wisconsin, Saturday, 10/16, 7:00 p.m. CT, BTN; UW -14

Today, October 15, is National Cheese Curd Day and Culver’s, America’s finest fast foot restaurant, celebrated by releasing the Curderburger. What started off as an April Fool’s joke got so many people (read: Jake Kocorowski) fired up that they actually made the dang thing!

I went and got one for lunch and folks,,,it was good. The curd had two types of cheese in it and it was crunchy on the outside and gooey on the inside. The burger was obviously delicious and, even after eating the whole thing, I don’t feel like I need to go live on the toiler for the rest of the afternoon.

God bless you, Culver’s. Badgers by 10 million on Saturday.