What Up, What’s Haapnin: Big Ten Football Week 5 preview

HIT THE MUSIC!

It is time to give a Big Ten-centric preview of the upcoming college football weekend that declines to use stats or analysis and instead...deals only in vibes. This post is a shorter version of the old Big Ten Roast that I used to do (not last year though, because last year sucked and I didn’t really feel like cracking jokes) so hopefully you’ll tolerate this as much as you tolerated that.

No. 5 Iowa at Maryland, Friday, 10/1, 7:00 p.m. CT, FS1; Iowa -3

As it is now the first day of October, Spooky SZN is truly upon us. It is time for your yearly reminder that candy corn is good and it is even better when you mix it in a bowl with some peanuts.

Now that we have that correct opinion out of the way...take a look at Maryland’s uniforms for this game! Oooooo they are black!! If I’ve learned anything about Iowa it’s that they will now take great umbrage to this slight because black is one of THEIR school colors and NO OTHER SCHOOL IS ALLOWED TO USE IT!

I hope in every road game the Hawkeyes have the rest of this year the opposition wears black uniforms just to get the uniform purist nerds up in arms.

No. 14 Michigan at Wisconsin, Saturday, 10/2, 11:00 a.m. CT, FOX; Wisconsin -2

I know we don’t always talk about the Wisconsin game in this column because, well, we talk about Wisconsin in just about all of other posts. However, I was really digging what this Michigan fan came up with for a new field design at Michigan Stadium.

Lmaooooo I’m just kidding, this is terrible...which is why I need it to happen though. Think about all of the ancient, grumpy Michigan fans who attend games that are already furious that students stand and cheer during the game! They’ll be apoplectic! A yellow field?!?!?

Bo Schembechler is looking up right now just hopping mad about this hypothetically happening.

Charlotte at Illinois, Saturday, 10/2, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Illinois -11

I think Charlotte wins this game outright because Illinois is a stinky pile of garbage masquerading as a football team, so I don’t want to talk about them. What I do want to talk about is this picture:

It’s Tom Crean...but as a cat. It’s amazing and I just wanted to make sure everyone saw it. @crafty_consumer does killer photoshops and, despite being an MSU fan, is a good follow on Twitter dot com. Which current Big Ten men’s basketball coach do you think would make the best cat? I know Fran McCaffery would make the worst because, even for a cat, he’s a dick.

Minnesota at Purdue, Saturday, 10/2, 11:00 a.m. CT, BTN; Purdue -2.5

The Gophers had one of the worst losses of the season last weekend when Bowling Green (a terrible MAC outfit) came into Whatever It Is Now Bank Field and beat Minnesota. Tanner Morgan looked awful and their solid defense couldn’t overcome the bad offense (sounds familiar, huh).

Despite the loss, the Gophers still haven’t lost the most game to MAC competitions. That honor goes to...their opponent this week, the Purdue Boilermakers!

I hope the Gophers bring a Dilly Bar that is bigger than Purdue’s Not That Big Drum for the game on Saturday.

No. 11 Ohio State at Rutgers, Saturday, 10/2, 2:30 p.m. CT, BTN; OSU -15

Hmm, while I really, really, really want Rutgers to beat Ohio State I don’t know if I like this proposed scenario where the Buckeyes become BETTER because of it.

I guess it’s probably still worth it because Ohio State is always going to be really good so might as well get some hilarious losses thrown in the mix as well.

Indiana at No. 4 Penn State, Saturday, 10/2, 6:30 p.m. CT, ABC; PSU -12.5

Hadn’t heard about this! Wild!

Western Kentucky at No. 17 Michigan State, Saturday, 10/2, 6:30 p.m. CT, FS1; MSU -11

I don’t much care about this game either and will undoubtedly not know the outcome until I edit Kevin’s weekly Big Ten recap post.

Lets talk about the Badgers some more. How dare Kyle call us lifeless! Wisconsin is plenty alive! I know because they keep showing up on my TV every weekend to play shitty football and make me mad. Could a dead thing do that? No!

Screw you, Robbins!

Northwestern at Nebraska, Saturday, 10/2, 6:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Nebraska -12

Like many of the Big Ten offerings this weekend, NU at “NU” is a real Sickos Special. The Wildcats are downright putrid on both sides of the ball and might not win a game the rest of the season and, while they’ve actually looked better this year, the Huskers can’t stop tripping over their own dicks and actually put together a full, winning game.

As always, Happy Scott Frost Day to you and yours.