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Quarancoached - Football Edition

Quarantining with B1G football coaches, could be fun...?

NCAA Football: Rose Bowl-Oregon vs Wisconsin Robert Hanashiro-USA TODAY Sports

With quarantines and Safer-at-Home orders coming to an end around the nation, some of us are emerging from our homes and out into the world (at a safe distance, obviously) for the first time in months.

Whether you spent your time at home alone, or with family, I am sure you are glad to get to see other human beings, other than those that comprised your quaranteam.

However, I got thinking recently while safer-at-homing with my family… what would it be like to quarantine myself with the various B1G football coaches…

Lovie Smith, Illinois

NCAA Football: Rutgers at Illinois Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports

I can guarantee you that I would not have let him shave off that glorious beard. I miss it… even if I saw it only a couple times. It was perfect. And he just threw all that hard work away…look at me, getting emotional…

I may even have gone as far as letting him talk about last season’s win over Wisconsin ad nauseam if it meant he would keep the beard. Maybe.

Smith also has a fair amount of years under his belt coaching in the NFL and he’s gotta have some awesome stories.

Tom Allen, Indiana

NCAA Football: Gator Bowl-Indiana vs Tennessee Douglas DeFelice-USA TODAY Sports

Allen would probably get sick of me asking him what it is like to coach football at a basketball school within the first day or two.

Kirk Ferentz, Iowa

NCAA Football: Holiday Bowl-Southern California vs Iowa Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Ferentz, the elder stateman of B1G coaches, just seems like a nice guy. Never heard a bad thing about him and I could totally see him being cool with taking naps throughout the day. And you know he will have an early bedtime, so I could watch whatever I want on tv after he passes out and I usher him off to bed.

Mike Locksley, Maryland

NCAA Basketball: Loyola-Maryland at Maryland Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

Locksley is obsessed with the hashtag #TBIA, which according to the interwebs, stands or “the best is ahead,” which if in quarantine is a great mantra to have because you keep looking to the future.

But I would need to ask him what is up with his commonly used GIF.

Locksley also hosts a late-night talk show on his IG, which is pretty sick.

As quarantine partners, I just hope I could get in on that action…I just hope for a slight re-brand…

Locks and Ryan in the morning. NIGHTS.

Jim Harbaugh, Michigan

NCAA Football: Michigan at Wisconsin Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

You know Harbaugh will have a very highly touted snack collection entering quarantine. One that rivals that of the best snack gatherers in the nation, but ultimately it will fall short, just something with the way he serves them I guess...

And you know, he would only wear those damn Lululemon Khaki pants, EVERY DAY. I would ask him about why he isn’t digging in and going with sweatpants and that is when the sales pitch would start…Jim, I don’t care about the ABC pants’ Four-Way Stretch, Warpstreme Fabric and that they are designed for being on the move. We aren’t going anywhere!

Mel Tucker, Michigan State

NCAA Basketball: Maryland at Michigan State Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

I have to admit I didn’t know much about coach Tucker, as he is new to the B1G landscape, so I took to the twitters to check him out from a social distance (get it…?). I did find it a little odd that he was tweeting constantly about Colorado and “Go Buffs,” right up until he accepted the job at MSU…

However, the dude is cool. He’s got two dogs, KJ and PJ even though he is allergic to dogs and he has a strong social media presence.

Part of his tweeting includes #FigureItOutFriday, where he poses a riddle to his followers, which if quarantining, those types of brain teasers would help to keep you sharp mentally. He also takes part in #TakeOutTuesday, so you know we would still be eating out.

Overall, I think Tucker would be a great quarancoach.

PJ Fleck, Minnesota

NCAA Football: Outback Bowl-Minnesota vs Auburn Douglas DeFelice-USA TODAY Sports


Scott Frost, Nebraska

NCAA Football: Ohio State at Nebraska Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

Frost left a job at UCF, where he finished the season 13-0, to go back to Nebraska. Nebraska? I don’t think I can trust his judgement and be quarantined with him.

Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern

NCAA Football: Iowa at Northwestern Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

I would really hate quarantining with Pat. I feel like he would be walking/talking Screen Time Report. I don’t need him constantly rolling his eyes at how much I am on my phone. I turned off the damn report on my iPhone for a reason Pat, just let it go. What else am I supposed to do?

If I want to scroll through the various social mediums until my eyes bleed, I’m going to do it.

James Franklin, Penn State

NCAA Football: Cotton Bowl Classic-Memphis vs Penn State Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Judging from Franklin’s Twitter, he would begin every sentence with “#WeAre,” just like his last 142 tweets.

I can just see it…

“#WeAre out toilet paper.”

“#WeAre out of milk.”

“#WeAre out of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.”

“#WeAre out of frozen pizzas.”

OK, well #WeAre not going to the store James, you are.

Jeff Brohm, Purdue

NCAA Football: Maryland at Purdue Thomas J. Russo-USA TODAY Sports

Brohm was the fourth-overall pick in the OG XFL Draft and quarterbacked the Orlando Rage. In one of the games, he took a vicious hit that knocked him out of the game and put him in the hospital. He was then back starting the following week and gave one of the most bad ass on-field interviews, ever.

He also wanted to have the nickname of “J Bro” on the back of his uniform, but sadly his teammates didn’t want to use nicknames…

I’ll bro out in quarantine with J Bro anytime.

Ryan Day, Ohio State

NCAA Football: College Football Playoff Semifinal-Ohio State vs Clemson Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

No doubt in my mind that Day calls Urban Meyer for pajama marathon phone chats every night… no thanks, next.

Visual representation of Day talking to Meyer.

Greg Schiano, Rutgers

NCAA Football: Oregon State at Ohio State Joe Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

Schiano would probably grow to hate me constantly asking him why Rutgers even tries anymore. However, he has been around football for a long time and did head up the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for two seasons, so he should have some stories to tell that would be interesting.

Paul Chryst, Wisconsin

NCAA Football: Wisconsin at Illinois Patrick Gorski-USA TODAY Sports

What can I say? It’s Dad coach.

You know Chryst is just an old school Sconnie, someone you would love to have a drink with and just hang out with. Definitely knows his way around a grill and could help with any and all minor repairs needed around the house.

And even with his dad-like demeanor, he isn’t afraid to drop the occasional curse for emphasis.

I just wanna hang with Pauly C...