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Could any B1G coach beat Paul Chryst in cornhole?

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B5Q investigates.

Arizona Diamondbacks v Milwaukee Brewers - Game 1
Go Brewers
Photo by Jared Wickerham/Getty Images

Tailgating is a time-honored tradition among college football fans and there are few places that do it better than Madison, Wisconsin. For a handful of fall Saturdays every year (hopefully) downtown Madison is painted red and white as fans from all over the state, and neighboring states, convene to eat, drink and be merry before a football game.

Tailgating games are just as important, if not more so, as what the spread looks like. If your friends are forced to just stand around and talk to each other...they’re going to have a bad time. Especially if you’ve known all of your friends for nearly 20 years. You’ve heard all their stories and were often involved with them so it’s best to keep them distracted with some competition.

The king of tailgating games is probably cornhole. I’m not here to get into an argument about scoring (you play by the rules of the person whose tailgate you are at obvs) or which is way is better to throw a beanbag. We can do that later.

I’m here to argue that the coach who would look most natural at the grill with a Miller Lite tallboy in his hand, Coach Dad aka Paul Chryst, is also the best cornhole player of any of the B1G head coaches.

Wisconsin v Michigan
There are, like, a dozen of this exact person at every Wisconsin tailgate I’ve ever been to.
Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Let’s run down his “competition.”

  • Lovie Smith, head coach, Illinois: Smith perpetually looks like he is some sort of robot that has been programmed to coach football but the programmers only completed half the job. He is also wildly boastful with no ability to back it up, like when he said Illinois had “caught up to” the rest of the B1G West. Chryst smokes Lovie.
  • Tom Allen, head coach, Indiana: After Googling him to make sure Wikipedia wasn’t lying about who the head coach at Indiana is I don’t think he can beat Chryst in cornhole. He might not even be real!
  • Kirk Ferentz, head coach, Iowa: Loses to Chryst after repeatedly throwing his fourth bag off to the side of the board, clapping encouragingly and saying “good punt, way to pin ‘em deep.”
  • Mike Locksley, head coach, Maryland: Jumps out to an early lead then hurts his tossing arm and gets steamrolled in the last 3/4ths of the game. Classic Terps.
  • Jim Harbaugh, head coach, Michigan: Pops top off to play shirts vs. skins and gets badly sunburned then quits. Will finish no higher than third in any tournament.
  • Mel Tucker, head coach, Michigan State: A real wild card since he hasn’t coached a game at MSU yet. Presumably too busy to play while covering up various misdeeds done by his players.
  • P.J. Fleck, head coach, Minnesota: Never throws a bag because he’s coming up with a motivational acrostic for C.O.R.N.H.O.L.E so his partner goes back to the cooler and doesn’t return.
  • Scott Frost, head coach, Nebraska: Cornhole was way better in the 90s according to Frost. Scores somewhere in the range of 4-8 points.
  • Pat Fitzgerald, head coach, Northwestern: Game is too high-tech for Fitz and he refuses to play. Goes back to rolling hoop with a stick instead.
  • Ryan Day, head coach, Ohio State: **all games vacated due to NCAA violations**
  • James Franklin, head coach, Penn State: Scores first point of game, claims he went 1-0, starts talking about next week’s opponent.
  • Jeff Brohm, head coach, Purdue: Always talking to another tailgate about maybe playing games with them. Hasn’t left yet, but isn’t able to complete a full game against Chryst.
  • Greg Schiano, head coach, Rutgers: He won a couple of games at a smaller, shittier tailgate a few years ago but probably won’t be able to duplicate that success against Chryst.

There you have it. No one, and I mean no one, is beating Coach Dad at cornhole in the B1G.