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University of Illinois Announces Massive Stimulus Program for Midwestern Bars

Champagne is a barometer of happiness, but Champaign-Urbana will drown in Miller Lite.

Missouri v Arkansas Photo by Wesley Hitt/Getty Images

Saturday morning, the University of Illinois put an end to speculation on how it will start the post-Lovie Smith by announcing a six-year, $4.2 million stimulus package to bars in the Midwest.

Bret Bielema, the man put in charge of distributing the funds, has said he’s looking to ensure that bars all around Illinois receive his support.

Bielema cited his experience in the Midwest as to why he’s qualified for this position. Born in Illinois, the former Hawkeyes player and Badgers head coach can “tap” into his knowledge of bars, taverns and restaurants in towns and cities in the entire Big Ten footprint. In addition to the massive stimulus bars will receive when Illinois football games are played in Urbana-Champaign as well as Big Ten road venues, this plan will help any local joint near a two or three star recruit the Illini hope to sign.

Many small business owners that make up the tapestry of Midwestern life in line to receive funds are overjoyed at the news. “Yeah, Bielema. That’s how we’ll compete in this Neanderthal division - run the ball and punt” said a fictional owner of one of the most popular hangouts near University of Illinois’ campus. “Well, our punter’s already got a ton of experience. God, I just want to drink so much.”

But, some owners are wary of the method that the University of Illinois would use to distribute the funds. “It’s been a rough winter. We’ve had to cut staff and dramatically change how we operate,” said another fictional owner. “But, rules are rules,” he said, dramatically jerking his thumb to a handwritten sign that says “BANNED: THE ARKANSAS TRAITORBACK.”

Madison economists believe that October 22nd will see an influx of funds at the Echo Tap, as well as insistence that they “used to know how to party around here.”