Alright folks, it’s been a while. B5Q is humming along without me as I continue to check the COVID fanpost section for new updates. It’s actually been so long that Drew thought it would be easier for him to copy from a google doc than reinstate me as a real writer who has real access to the fancy B5Q software.
He’s probably predicting that I’ll go in hiding after this post again. Fair enough. Either that, or he doesn’t want me to have access to Chorus anymore because my skills have allegedly dulled a bit over time.
What have I been up to since my last post? You might think it’s been tweeting, working, attempting to parent a three-year-old, and trading options on robinhood. However, I’ve been working hard to come up with a top-ten ranking for FBS quarterbacks. Sorry, Trey Lance.
10. Jayden Daniels — Arizona State Sun Devils
Daniels is a Sophomore captain of the Herm Edwards-led Sun Devils. I would say he’s got a cannon for an arm, but his wrist is a cannon all of its own. He can just let it go 40 yards on a moonshot with a simple flick of the wrist with pinpoint accuracy. If it weren’t for the TV bias against the Pac-12, I think we’d be hearing more about Daniels.
Or, maybe we are hearing about Daniels a lot, and the problem is that I’m not listening.
Throw power: 8/10
NFL Comparison: Russell Wilson
9. Spencer Rattler — Texas Longhorns
Rattler has had a tough start to the season, but there is no arguing with his stats. Currently, he sits at 69 completions on the year heading into the 2020 AT&T Red River Showdown. Speaking of AT&T, I’m not really sure if I should hold onto the stock and sell covered calls on it. The dividend is like 7%, but there are some issues with the balance sheet. Verizon is probably the better stock, to be honest.
Sorry, back to Rattler.
Could there be a better name? I mean a rattler is definitely the kind of thing you could get at Spencer’s.
AT&T Balance Sheet: 3/10
Ability to rock a headband: 8.1/10
NFL Comparison: Aaron Rodgers (the year or two he was just okay)
8. Kellen Mond — Texas A&M Aggies
6.9 y/a in 2019; 6.9 ay/a in 2019
Mond is having a lovely start to the season for the Aggies, following up his 6.9 passing yards per attempt in 2019. Further, Mond has just an absolutely infectious smile. Just look at those pearly whites.
My favorite thing about Mond is he has never publicly shamed me on twitter for my unfortunate obsession with sweet baby gherkin pickles. I can’t even buy a jar without wanting to eat the whole thing in one sitting. Not good.
The only thing holding Mond back is that Kellens have a tough time being good quarterbacks historically.
A good orthodontist: 8.6/10
First name: 4/10
NFL Comparison: Kellen Clemens
7. Justin Fields — Ohio State
Wisconsin fans know Justin Fields a little too well. The dude can scramble, has a good arm, and is overall good.
Throw power: 9/10
NFL Comparison: Dak Prescott
6. Brock Purdy — Iowa State
It’s incredible to me that Purdy never received an offer from Purdue. Jeff Brohm has some explaining to do. It’s not like Purdy was off the radar; freaking Alabama offered him a scholarship.
Purdy injured his ankle in the 2019 Camping World Bowl loss to Notre Dame, so ISU coach Matt Campbell was pretty happy that spring ball was cancelled so he could heal. I am quite sure that coach Campbell is NOT happy about the whole COVID thing, though. There is no libel here.
Finally, Brock is such a manly name.
Beating Oklahoma: 10/10
Not going to Purdue: 5/10
COVID cures ankle sprain: 9/10
Staying away from Nurse Joy: 7/10
NFL Comparison: Brock Osweiler
5. Jason Bean — North Texas Mean Green
When playing NCAA Football 2014, it’s pretty clear which team is the worst. It’s North Texas. There’s nothing interesting about the stadium. There is no redeeming quality to leverage in recruiting. The color on the jersey is revolting.
That is, until Jason Bean showed up.
Dude makes the Mean Green green a mean shade of green if you know what I mean.
NFL Comparison: Jason Campbell
4. Trevor Lawrence — Kansas Jayhawks
As someone with an enormous nose, I really appreciate Lawrence. I feel like, as a person with a significant sniffer, it’s important to have representation in the media. Outside of Owen Wilson, who else has a big beak that we can look up to?
In comes Lawrence, who won a national title as a freshman and gave us all a schnoz to adore.
And, as a hockey fan, how can we forget his fabulous flow?
Finally, I think Lawrence, Kansas is an underrated college town. After a quick google search, I found they have a few McDonalds and several Starbucks.
Lawrence, Kansas: 7/10
Arm strength: 9/10
NFL Comparison: John Stocco
3. Hunter Johnson — Northwestern Wildcats
To be fair, I’m not 100% sure Johnson has any eligibility left. But I’m just going to run with this. Johnson was a five star recruit behind Lawrence before transferring to Northwestern. That has to eventually work, right?
Also, last year was a struggle for Johnson after I picked him as a Heisman winner. So there’s nowhere to go but up!
Jaw line: 9/10
Recruiting stars: 10/10
Low expectations: 7/10
Previous team: 10/10
NFL Comparison: Aaron Rodgers (the years that he was pretty good)
2. Sam Ehlinger — Oklahoma Sooners
Much like his counterpart in the Red River Rivalry, Ehlinger is at 69 completions on the year. You’re not going to believe this, but he’s thrown 69 career touchdowns, too. Of course, after throwing 69 career touchdowns, he threw 13 more after that.
Dividend Yield: 10/10
Economic moat: 10/10
Playing against Big 12 defenses: 10/10
NFL Comparison: Sam Bradford
1. Graham Mertz — Wisconsin Badgers
Think of the list of all freshman heisman trophy winners. They were all redshirt freshmen. They all were not the heisman frontrunner going into the season by the “experts.” And guess what? Mertz is a redshirt freshman. He’s also not the “expert’s” pick right now. Book it.
And get this, the other redshirt freshmen who won the heisman had ZERO passing yards the previous season. Mertz is coming off of a season with infinitely more passing yards (by percentage) with 73 yards in 2019.
Mertz can win a press conference; he’s funny and charming. He’s committed to throwing touchdowns and not fumbling. According to Danny Vanden Boom, “Mentally, Mertz has gotten a lot better.” DL coach Inoke Breckterfield says Mertz “can sling it.”
“It” factor: 10/10
Heisman trophy winner: 10/10
Mentally better: 10/10
Can sling it: 10/10
NFL Comparison: Aaron Rodgers (the good years)