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The B1G Roast: basketball is (well, has been) back!

Let’s roast the two teams the Badgers are playing this week.

NCAA Basketball: Wisconsin at Ohio State Joseph Maiorana-USA TODAY Sports

If there is no traffic, I live about 22 minutes from downtown Minneapolis. On Monday morning I drove my sister, who had spent the weekend at my house to visit her nieces, down to Minneapolis so she could have meetings. The four of us stopped at Rise Bagel Co. (best bagels in the Midwest) for an early lunch and then we took my sister to her hotel. began.

Before we had even made it out of downtown, my six month old started whining because she hates being in her car seat for an extended period of time and my almost three year old daughter started her, now regular, response of shouting “be quiet” as loud as she can at her sister.

Since we were in the car and soon on the highway, there was very little I could do to help calm everyone down outside of trying to explain to an increasingly rage-filled toddler that her infant sister wasn’t crying on purpose and, in fact, when you yell at her it makes her MORE likely to continue crying, not less.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned it around here before, but I quit my bartending job around seven months ago in order to become a full-time stay-at-home dad/part time Wisconsin sports blogger right here. I have been struggling with time management and feelings of uselessness the entire time and on Monday the dam broke.

We were probably about halfway home, driving down 394, and my children had been whining/crying in louder and louder voices since we had left downtown and then my toddler dropped her pacifier between her car seat and the car door...where no one could reach it and, well, all hell broke loose.

She is now sobbing and screaming “MY PACI” as loud as she can, my infant is continuing her crying just now it is at a pitch just below dog whistle and then, out of nowhere, I burst into tears as well.

The three of us spent the next 12-15 minutes driving home in tears. I can only imagine what the driver’s next to our car thought at red lights. I pulled into the garage and walked inside my house, still crying, and my wonderful, understanding wife immediately knew what had happened and told me to go into our room and she would take the kids.

I’m not 100% sure why I wrote all of this, but I do know that it helped me feel a little better. I also hope that if anybody out there is struggling with their parenting duties know that you aren’t alone. Everyone else is too. Thank you for indulging me and here’s to this week getting better every day.

Now, uh, let’s talk about basketball!

Illinois Fighting Illini Rankings: 33rd overall, 48th offense, 35th defense

Notable Wins: Michigan (19th overall KenPom), Purdue (23rd overall KenPom)

Hilarious Losses: None. Their worst loss is a home one to Miami (Fla.) (89th overall KenPom)

Record: 10-5 overall, 2-2 Big Ten

Biggest Strengths: I have something controversial to say and I couldn’t say it in my preview for The Champaign Room: I think Illinois is a fraudulent 10-win team. Their non-conference strength of schedule is ranked No. 314 on KenPom, their best non-conference win is against No. 168 Hawaii and they lost to Mizzou, Miami (Fla.) and Arizona aka the only three non-conference teams with a pulse that they played.

That being said! Illinois played great defense in their game against Purdue last week.

The Boilers only scored 37 points and are now basically the laughingstock of the whole B1G. So, thanks for that Illinois.

Biggest Weaknesses: They have a man named Kofi Cockburn on their team. That last name is so ripe to make jokes about until you realize the man possessing said last name is 7-feet tall and weighs 290 pounds. Somehow, yacht club mainstay name having ass Kipper Nichols is still on this team.

When do they play Wisconsin?: Wednesday, 8:00 pm CT, Big Ten Network, Kohl Center, Madison, Wisconsin

Penn State Nittany Lions Rankings: 21st overall, 32nd offense, 32nd defense

Notable Wins: at Georgetown (47th overall KenPom), Maryland (8th overall KenPom), Iowa (semi-home, 20th overall KenPom)

Hilarious Losses: None, really, but they lost to Ole Miss (93rd overall KenPom) during a Thanksgiving tournament.

Record: 12-2 overall, 2-1 Big Ten

Biggest Strengths: The Penn State vs. Iowa game at the Palestra over the weekend was a really fun game to watch, as a neutral party. I’m sure it was terrifying as a supporter of either of those two teams. I think it’s cool when teams decide to play a neutral site game at a place of significance for both schools (for PSU, the Palestra is the most famous basketball arena in Pennsylvania and for Iowa, Fran McCaffery played his college ball there for Penn).

Good work all around, folks!

Biggest Weaknesses: You ever stop and think about how State College, Pennsylvania may be the single worst collection of accents in the whole world? You have yinzers from Pittsburgh, Sully and Murph from facking Bahstan, goons from New Jersey and then there are the Philadelphians who are out here saying “wooder” and “jawn” and telling you their favorite restaurant is also a gas station.

God, that all, literally, sounds awful.

When do they play Wisconsin?: Saturday, 1:15 pm CT, Big Ten Network, Bryce Jordan Center (State College, Penn.)

Wisconsin Badgers Rankings: 24th overall, 49th offense, 19th defense

Notable Wins: Marquette (31st overall KenPom), Indiana (42nd overall KenPom), at Ohio State (4th overall KenPom)

Hilarious Losses: None, technically, but losing to New Mexico (97th overall KenPom) after losing to Richmond (69th overall KenPom) in Brooklyn was pretty bad.

Record: 9-5 overall, 2-1 Big Ten

Biggest Strengths: It’s going to be an amazing four years of everyone else in the B1G straight up DESPISING Tyler Wahl while all of us would sacrifice any of our limbs to make sure he can still play.

Getting the stamp of approval from Josh Gasser is Big Annoying The Opponent Guy Energy.

Biggest Weaknesses: Badgers lose the Rose Bowl. Badgers beat No. 5 Ohio State on the road. Sun rises in the east and sets in the west.

Who do they play this week?: Illinois and Penn State. Were you not paying attention?

Thank God someone was there to document this niceness.

This is the best football photo of the season.