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The B1G Roast: better than the SEC, that’s for sure

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Week 1 is always a weird time in college football, but at least no one in the B1G lost to Georgia State at home.

NCAA Football: Northwestern at Stanford John Hefti-USA TODAY Sports

I never know where I stand when it comes to “conference pride” in college sports. Like, I want the B1G to beat the ACC in college basketball, but it’s also hilarious when Indiana loses to, like, Wake Forest so where does that leave me?

In football, the SEC is king when it comes to teams like Mississippi State crowing about their superiority because another team in their conference, Alabama, is good while they themselves are not good.

Speaking of the SEC being amazing! As of me typing this sentence on Sunday morning, September 1st at 11:25 CT, the official Tennessee football account hasn’t tweeted anything since this:

Maybe because this happened and everyone in the state of Tennessee threw their phones into the river?

Anyways, the rest of the B1G stinks and I hate them, but at least none of their losses this week will be leading the national narrative. Let’s see how everyone else in the conference fared in their first game and roast their asses appropriately!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 64th, Offense 64th, Defense 62nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Ball State, 34-24, Lucas Oil Stadium

Biggest strength: #9WINDIANA is off and running, baby! The Hoosiers led by quarterback Michael Penix Jr. and tailback Stevie Scott III beat Ball State in Indianapolis and kept the lunatics at Crimson Quarry happy for one week.

Well, as happy as they get at least.

Penix Jr. threw for 326 yards and a score (two picks and a 60% completion rate though) while also gaining 67 yards on the ground. He was everything Hoosiers fans have been clamoring for. Scott III scored twice but was mostly bottled up on the evening with 48 yards on 19 carries.

Biggest weakness: You can’t really tell Indiana nothing right now.

Although, maybe they can work on tackling since their coach suggested it.

It’s just the worst when they’re disappointed. I’d rather they be mad! Reakwon Jones didn’t get the bad tackling memo and ended up with 11 on the day. Coach Allen isn’t disappointed in you, Reakwon.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Eastern Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 41st, Offense 55th, Defense 45th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Howard, 79-0

Biggest strength: Man, I am not dissecting a 79-point win over one guy.

Let’s talk about my kids instead! My 2.5 year old daughter likes to pull my glasses down on the bridge of my nose and then have me play a character I made up called Mrs. Booksworth. She’s an old, English lady who works at a library.

Basically I’m Mrs. Doubtfire.

Anyways, she thinks it’s hilarious and will push my glasses back up to their normal position and I have to start talking like myself. She’ll do this in the middle of me reading a book so I always have to be “on.” It’s a pressure packed situation. Sunday morning we were playing this game and she wandered off downstairs. Halfway down the steps I hear her shout “Booksworth! COME ON!”

Like she’s some sort of strength and conditioning coach telling me to hurry to the weight room or something! What the hell?!?

Anyways, college football is the best and kids are too.

Biggest weakness: An incredibly tone deaf and asinine tweet.

McNair didn’t “die of heat stroke.” He died of “severe institutional negligence” and the powers that be at Maryland can eat shit forever.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 22 Syracuse, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 14th, Offense 33rd, Defense 32nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Middle Tennessee State, 40-21

Biggest strength: Shea Patterson threw for 203 yards and three TDs, but also lost a fumble and also I hate him. Jordan Glasgow had two sacks.

I wonder how long of a leash a guy like this gives Jim Harbaugh?

How many losses to Ohio State in a row is acceptable? How many times finishing behind Michigan State in the East is acceptable? Michigan fans are weird.

Biggest weakness: A true Michigan Man never feels out of place no matter how much of a douchebag he actually is.

I hope that kid goes to MSU but cheers for Michigan because he grew up in Ann Arbor or some stupid BS like that. I had a guy I knew in college who grew up outside East Lansing and would cheer for MSU over Wisconsin. The school he chose for undergrad. Like...what? Haven’t talked to him in years since he RSVP’d for one of our other friends’ weddings and then literally none of us heard from him again.

My point is: everyone from Michigan is the worst.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Army, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 26th, Offense 115th, Defense 3rd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Tulsa, 28-7

Biggest strength: MSU held Tulsa to -73 rushing yards. That’s all you need to know about this game.

Biggest weakness: Tulsa hasn’t learned what the rest of the B1G already knows: don’t talk about Michigan State’s defense and maybe you can sneak up and surprise it.

I guess if you really want to read about this snuff film, here’s an article about it. But keep in mind it is NSFW.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Western Michigan, 6:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 29th, Defense 22nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Florida Atlantic, 45-21

Biggest strength: This Justin Fields kid might be pretty good. He hucked the ball for 234 yards and four TDs while rushing for 61 yards and an additional score (a 51-yard scamper).

The defense harangued FAU to the tune of four sacks and 12 tackles for loss. Ohio State looked pretty good and then pretty average, but Pretty Average Ohio State is still enough to whip FAU.

Hungover Lane Kiffin is a mood.

Biggest weakness: I have never hated someone more, that I was just introduced to via Twitter, than DJ Axcess.

I hope all of his records get replaced with covers of Nickelback songs by whatever band we’ve all decided we universally hate now. Maroon 5? Imagine Dragons? I don’t know...one of them.

Also their fans are magnificently drunk! Look at that blonde girl in the front!

Vodka Samm 2K19!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Cincinnati, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 6th, Offense 20th, Defense 30th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Idaho, 79-7

Biggest strength: Having famous fans.

Do you think the Nittany Lion and Joe Jonas actually know each other? Like, that was a greeting between old friends and not just a mascot and a famous person doing something for the camera.

I hope that Joe Jonas is friends with ONLY mascots.

Biggest weakness: Nice number, nicer reaction.

A lot of teams scored 79 points in the B1G this week, which is kinda crazy. Speaking of crazy, I haven’t watched any new TV in months. It’s all Bravo, Parks & Rec on Netflix and Daniel Tiger at my house.

What are some good shows to watch? Is that new superhero show on Amazon Prime good? Is Chappelle’s new standup good? What does everyone watch now that Game of Thrones is over?

Please help me!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Buffalo, 6:30 p.m. CST, FOX

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 92nd, Offense 73rd, Defense 94th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. UMass, 48-21

Biggest strength: Way to go Rutgers! Texas Tech transfer QB McLane Carter threw for 340 yards, two scores and three picks in his first game for the Scarlet Knights and Isaih Pacheco rushed for four TDs and 156 yards. Take that, Jonathan Taylor!

Biggest weakness: Life is too short to bet the under, Rutgers fans.

Also, we all owe Rutgers an apology for making fun of this tweet after the first quarter of their game.

Like, I get it...losing to UMass by multiple touchdowns at any point in a game is bad. It’s even worse when it’s after a full quarter of play, but Rutgers shut up all the haters (lol, not really) with a resounding second quarter...but it was still UMass.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 20 Iowa, 11:00 a.m. CST, FS1

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 69th (NICE), Offense 82nd, Defense 51st

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Akron, 42-3

Biggest strength: Converting new fans.

Brandon Peters threw three touchdown passes and linebacker Jake Hansen led the team in tackles, with seven, and had a pick.

Biggest weakness: I wouldn’t ask for specifics on this if I were you.

‘Bama, Clemson, Oklahoma, Illinois. Book it.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at UConn, 2:30 p.m. CST, CBSSN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 19th, Offense 26th, Defense 50th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Miami (OH), 38-14

Biggest strength: The Wave continues to be a fine tradition.

Nate Stanely threw for 252 and three scores and Mekhi Sargent had 156 total yards and a touchdown on the ground.

Biggest weakness: I’m going to a bachelor party in a couple of weeks, Wisconsin’s bye week natch, and I’m excited to see a bunch of friends who I don’t always get to see and celebrate my one buddy who is getting married this winter. That’s going to be great.

What I am most excited for is to have uninterrupted sleep. I have, honestly, been pretty lucky when it comes to my children sleeping. They are both good at it, but they still wake up in the middle of the night and they still fight going to bed and they still wake up way to early and scream.

For this one glorious weekend the only person who will wake me up will have a beer for me and it’s going to be amazing.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 11:00 a.m. CST, FS1

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 23rd, Defense 82nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. South Dakota State, 28-21

Biggest strength: This is a very important graphic and I think every game should have it up during their pregame show.

We need to know the stats for actual badgers vs. actual wolverines. A Spartan taking on a mountain lion? I WANT TO SEE THAT IN REAL LIFE! We need a Celebrity Death Match style show, but with college mascots.

Rashod Bateman had five catches for 132 yards and a touchdown.

Biggest weakness: For a team that everyone (read: delusional Gophers fans) was hyping up to be a true division title contender this was not an inspiring opening. Minnesota was losing to FCS SDSU until they scored a touchdown with 5:39 left in the game. The Jackrabbits threw a pick-six when their QB tried to throw the ball away, fumbled a handoff while driving up one in the fourth quarter and had a kickoff return for a TD called back due to holding. They out-gained the Gophers as well and averaged 5.1 yards per carry.

Rough start for Minnesota, but again...Week 1 is weird. Not gonna stop us from making fun, but it’s good to remember.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Fresno State, 9:30 p.m. CST, CBSSN

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 54th, Offense 79th, Defense 41st

Last week’s results: (W) vs. South Alabama, 35-21

Biggest strength: NEBRASKA IS BACK!

Child pornography charges in California? WHO CARES?!? We aren’t running the ball very well right now!

Biggest weakness: Husker fans are probably the most self-righteous and sanctimonious in the whole conference. See this tweet:

OMG ::does wanking motion with arm until it hurtles into space::

But this dipstick isn’t necessarily wrong about this particular foible of P.J. Fleck.

I am exhausted too.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Colorado, 2:30 p.m. CST, FOX

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 77th, Offense 123rd, Defense 8th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 25 Stanford, 17-7

Biggest strength: This was an ugly game that included poor play and Stanford’s starting QB K.J. Costello getting knocked out of the game after a late hit by NU’s Earnest Brown IV. Northwestern also lost a QB when TJ Green left the game with a foot injury. Let’s never talk about this game again.

If only the damn kids stayed off their cell phones I think Northwestern would have scored more than a touchdown after having all offseason to prepare for Stanford.

At least, after this game, we now know about THE CURSE OF BOB WIEDENHOEFT!

Biggest weakness: Losing to Kirk Ferentz 2.0.

Or maybe being coached by Kirk Ferentz 2.0?

No, no, no...Shaw is Ferentz 2.0.

Northwestern doesn’t even have their normal self-soothing methods to resort to after this game because, well, kids at Stanford are just as smart as them.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 65th, Offense 51st, Defense 72nd

Last week’s results: (L) at Nevada, 34-31

Biggest strength: Official Crush of The B1G Roast, Rondale Moore, had 124 receiving yards and a score. Although basically none of that came in the second half as Purdue was letting the game slip through its fingers.

The Boilermakers tried the ol’ B1G standby of punting to win, and it almost worked, but alas...

Biggest weakness: Ohhhhhhhh man. Let’s go to the video tape!

Couple of things to note here: 1) Nevada’s all-time long field goal is 58 yards!?!? 2) He was awarded the game ball AND a scholarship after making this kick. 3) LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL PURDUE!

Purdue was up 31-14 with just over three minutes left in the third quarter, when freshman walk-on kicker Brandon Talton hit a 34-yard field goal. Then, in the last seven minutes of the fourth quarter, they gave up 17 straight points including that scholarship-getting 56-yard field goal!

That is hilarious.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Vanderbilt, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 5th (!!!!!!), Offense 43rd, Defense 16th

Last week’s results: (W) at South Florida, 49-0

Biggest strength: The Badgers whacked the Bulls upside the head with a frying pan and then kicked them down a flight of steps on Friday night. It was not at ALL what I was expecting, but it was awesome.

Jonathan Taylor established himself as a legit, legit Heisman contender and the defense has so many intriguing pieces it’s like a jigsaw puzzle of the feeling “wonder.”

Biggest weakness: Pass protection was spotty and the deep ball could’ve been thrown better, but that’s all stuff that can be worked out in practice! This game was good and people who are looking for things to shout about should just enjoy a blowout when it happens.

The gang at The Daily Stampede deserve better than Charlie Strong.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Central Michigan, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN