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The B1G Roast: there were too many byes last week

What the hell am I supposed to talk about when half the conference didn’t even play?

NCAA Football: Michigan State at Northwestern Matt Marton-USA TODAY Sports

Sometimes I struggle to find the appropriate picture for these Roasts. This...was not one of those weeks. What a perfect encapsulation of Northwestern football in one image. I want it framed above my bed.

We won’t ever let Bob forget about his preseason Hunter Johnson predictions.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 32nd, Offense 45th, Defense 36th, Special Teams 25th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. UConn, 38-3

Biggest strength: It’s all happening. #9WINDIANA is happening.

Peyton Ramsey threw three touchdown passes and Cam Jones had a pick six for Hoosiers who went down 3-0 to UConn and then scored 38 unanswered points.

Biggest weakness: Nine straight non-conference wins. #9WINDIANA. Coincidence? Unlikely.

20% chance baby!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 25 Michigan State, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 34th, Offense 51st, Defense 37th, Special Teams 127th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: So, we (my family) were in Madison for the game on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. Due to having two kids, one of who won’t take a bottle, my wife and I went back to our friends’ place after the tailgate to watch the game. Before we got to the tailgate, however, my two and a half year old daughter saw Bucky Badger in real life! It was a big deal for her! She loves pointing out Bucky on our t-shirts and on bumper stickers so we were pumped that she actually saw Bucky in the flesh.

Except...she’s convinced this Bucky, the real Bucky, is an imposter.

After some pointed questions it came out that she believes there is a “real” Bucky that talks and is basically a sweater wearing Badger that grew to be way too big and lives in Madison. The mascot Bucky at all the games and that she saw on Saturday? Fake.

We may need Ryan to do another deep dive on why our mascot sucks. OUR REAL MASCOT THIS TIME, RYAN! WHO DO YOU ACTUALLY WORK FOR?!?!

Biggest weakness: Speaking of my daughter! She has decided she wants to be potty trained at the most inopportune times so far. The one weekend I was out of town for a bachelor party? Yup, she wanted to wear underpants and pee on the “big girl potty.” Traveling to Madison to stay with friends? Oh yeah, perfect time to learn how to use the toilet.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is my daughter peed all over a Terrace chair while eating fruit snacks on Friday night. Which chair? That’s for you to find out, dear reader.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. No. 12 Penn State, 7:00 p.m. CST, FS1

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 26th, Offense 72nd, Defense 12th, Special Teams 7th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 13 Wisconsin, 35-14

Biggest strength: This is a fair question.

Maybe they just stayed up late reading the Communist Manifesto like that kid in the Notre Dame commercial. It’s a dense read from what I’ve gathered.

Here’s how the offense looked for the Wolverines on Saturday.

This person is a Michigan football fan and a Duke basketball And, I can’t stress this enough, why?

The Wolverines did in fact look BAD on offense and defense against the Badgers on Saturday. They converted zero third downs (but were 3-for-4 on fourth down), committed four turnovers and had under 300 yards of total offense. On defense they forced zero turnovers, allowed Wisconsin to have the ball for over 41 minutes and gave up 359 yards...rushing.

Biggest weakness: The Badgers Football account on Twitter has been memeing quite well this year. I wonder if they hired some sort of Meme Consultant?

Hold up, this game was Michigan’s defense playing at a “high level?” Woof.

Shea Patterson stunk out loud against the Badgers. He went 14-for-32 for 219 yards, two TDs, one pick and one fumble lost. Some statement, bro.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 20th, Offense 87th, Defense 1st (!!!), Special Teams 84th

Last week’s results: (W) at Northwestern, 31-10

Biggest strength: The Spartans and the Buckeyes both won this week, but they probably both took more joy in Michigan losing.

I know the “hang in there, baby” pic is photoshopped in, I know this. But I like to think that it, you know, isn’t.

Brian Lewerke had three touchdown passes, two of them to tight end Matt Seybert, and the rest of the game just kinda took care of itself because Northwestern can’t score.

Biggest weakness:

Oof. This game is going to be ROUGH to watch/listen to/hopefully ignore completely.

I’d expect better for the No. 1 defense in the country. Letting NU score 10 points is pretty embarrassing.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 5th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 89th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Miami (OH), 76-5 (lol)

Biggest strength: Do you think Chase Young is good at karaoke?

He’s really good at football, so I’m led to believe that he would get up on stage and knock Kid Rock’s “Cowboy” out of the park. He had two sacks against Miami and probably would’ve had more if he hadn’t needed to plan his postgame concert.

This was a really good week for Buckeyes fans, huh?

Justin Fields had six total touchdowns in limited action and their backup QB whose name is CHGUNOV threw for two TDs. Hell, the third string guy also threw a touchdown. Technically the third stringer had the highest QBR sooooo quarterback controversy????

Biggest weakness: Nice.

Technically they were already mid-run when this happened.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 11th, Offense 16th, Defense 24th, Special Teams 6th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: I’m assuming you’ve seen this clip, but perhaps that’s my Philly bias showing. Either way, it’s worth watching for the first time or again.

This man was saving children from a literal burning building and while giving an interview took time to tomahawk dunk on Eagles WR Nelson Agholor. Eagles fans are all absolutely, completely and totally insane and I love this man more than most of my closest friends. Go Birds.

Biggest weakness: Speaking of maniacs! Here’s one of the gatekeepers of Ivy League higher learning enjoying a local sporting event in Philadelphia.

What a madman! I love him just as much as the Unlike Agholor Guy! He’s so mad at the dumb Eagles for losing to the even dumber Lions. I want to apply to Penn just to get a rejection letter from this guy. Go Birds. Go Quakers.

This week’s opponent: Friday at Maryland, 7:00 p.m. CST, FS1

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 105th, Offense 112th, Defense 78th, Special Teams 16th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Boston College, 30-16

Biggest strength: BEARS!

Rutgers football has no strengths.

Biggest weakness: Do you think the Wisconsin offensive line wanted to do this to Alex Hornibrook last year?

Or is this just a scenario where Rutgers never gets to practice celebrating touchdowns so there was a miscommunication on how to do it? They say “act like you’ve been there before” but what haven’t?

Artur Sitkowski threw for over 300 yards but it didn’t matter. RB Raheem Blackshear had nine catches for 130 yards and a TD but didn’t matter.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 20 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 68th, Offense 40th, Defense 96th, Special Teams 3rd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Nebraska, 42-38

Biggest strength: Hey, at least Mohamed Barry thinks you’re a bad team, Illinois! That’s an upgrade!

Biggest weakness: Illinois football fans are straight up broken. I don’t know what can be done to save this program, but the levels of apathy around it are dangerous.

Read this whole thread here too, if you want some more insight into how Illini fans are feeling.

The Illini were winning this game for a while! No, really, I swear! They were winning at the end of every quarter...except the fourth quarter. Reggie Corbin ran for 134 yards and a TD while QB Brandon Peters looked godawful. Great day for current and former Michigan Men.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 29th, Offense 52nd, Defense 27th, Special Teams 11th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: It’s getting closer and closer to basketball season and the NCAA just came down HARD on Kansas.

Bill Self is being charged with “lack of institutional control” which sounds exactly what happened in my fraternity any time I was allowed to plan anything. Kansas could be facing a bunch of postseason bans and losses of scholarships and a lifetime of jokes at their fans’ expense, which is the real treat in all of this.

I don’t even really have a horse in the race, but I don’t like Kansas basketball and I’m glad bad things are happening to them.

Biggest weakness: Speaking of basketball season! We will be starting our coverage of the men’s basketball team on October 1st with small previews of each opponent on the schedule this year. As we draw closer to actual games we will have much more in-depth previews of the team, the conference and the nation in general. Please let us know if there is anything special you want to see with our basketball coverage this year and we’ll try to accommodate it.

The “Nebraska situation” is still “laughable” Mark May.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Middle Tennessee State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 51st, Offense 22nd, Defense 79th, Special Teams 109th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: I wonder what happened to all of the petting zoo animals?

Are they still out in the streets of Tucson? Why did they end the sentence “the zoo is still happening” with a question mark? That makes things way more confusing!

Biggest weakness: Being a college football fan sometimes means you are way ahead of the curve on players that breakout in the NFL. Gardner Minshew is one of those players.

We all knew he could sling the rock all over the field, but now that he’s doing it for the Jaguars, everyone else is starting to take note. You kinda feel protective over him, right? It’s like, if you didn’t stay up until 1:30 a.m. on Friday morning to watch Wazzu beat Oregon State you didn’t really earn loving Minshew.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST, ESPN2

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 35th, Offense 30th, Defense 47th, Special Teams 112th

Last week’s results: (W) at Illinois, 42-38

Biggest strength: How I feel after interacting with any Nebraska fans online.

Husker fans were out of control this offseason with their wild predictions of not only divisional dominance, but national dominance as well. Everyone, for like three months, somehow forgot that the team went 4-8 last year. I do love how some Huskers are trying to, finally, temper expectations.


God, get a hobby, Nebraska football fans.

Martinez threw for 327 yards, rushed for 118 and had three total TDs. Good game, but kind of a bummer when you have to BALL OUT to beat Illinois. He also lost two fumbles and the team lost two more.

Biggest weakness: This is Nightmare Fuel.

The GameDay matchup this week is going to be a freaking bloodbath.

Lastly, because apparently Nebraska made me mad in real life this week, WHAT THE HELL DOES ANY OF THIS MEAN?!?!

Why is Ron Burgundy involved in this “meme” at all? WHY DOES HE HAVE A NEBRASKA CUP???? HE LIVES IN SAN DIEGO FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 5 Ohio State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 93rd, Offense 126th, Defense 33rd, Special Teams 82nd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Michigan State, 31-10

Biggest strength: What even was the plan on this play?

Pat Fitzgerald should be forced to testify in front of Congress and explain his offensive philosophy because watching this just gave me eyeball cancer.

Eat at Arby’s.

Drake Anderson rushed for 91 yards and a TD. Blake Gallagher and Paddy Fisher each had nine tackles.

Biggest weakness: Tbqh this is disrespectful to all of the strong, independent MAC teams out there who don’t need no offense either.

Might as well suspend the whole defense for a half and see if the Cats can score on the Badgers.

I bet Pat Fitzgerald doesn’t use email because he tried to buy a celebrity sex of a block of concrete and Dick Butkus getting it on.

Hunter Johnson threw one pick, zero touchdowns and completed 15 passes for ::double checks notes:: 88 yards. He was taken out of the game and Aidan Smith came in and somehow did WAY WORSE.

Smith had two picks, zero scores and completed four of 11 passes for 38 yards. PUUUUKKKKKKEEEEE!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 8 Wisconsin, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 72nd, Offense 33rd, Defense 108th, Special Teams 47th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Fall is undeniably the best season. We only get about 10 days of it here in Minnesota and I like to take full advantage. Sweatshirts and shorts? Check. Apple cider donuts? Double check. A new fall beverage for when it randomly becomes 85 degrees again at the end of September? Triple check!

This drink is amazing and makes you THINK it’s fall even when it is hot out. I have long been a proponent of preposterous drinks at coffee shops and Starbucks, for all their shittiness, is often at the forefront of these drinks.

Biggest weakness: Speaking of fall drinks? Y’all every try Skrewball Whiskey?

A friend brought some to the tailgate on Saturday and I’m pretty sure two bottles were plowed through before the game. Mix this up with some chocolate liqueur in a big ol’ Gatorade cooler and have liquid peanut butter cups that’ll get you tuned up. You’re welcome.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, ESPN2

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 5th, Offense 8th, Defense 9th, Special Teams 129th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 11 Michigan, 35-14

Biggest strength: I would probably hate it if he played for a different team, but he doesn’t so I love the fact that Chris Orr can turn anything into a HUGE slight against the Badgers.

He seems like such a nice, reasonable person until it’s time to start talking about the upcoming game and then EVERYONE IS DISRESPECTING HIM, HIS TEAMMATES AND HIS FAMILY!

Way to coach ‘em up from Turkey, Sam.

Jonathan Taylor was great, but Jack Coan was more important. Taking care of the football is such a key element of being a quarterback and Coan is doing it better than most in the country.

Biggest weakness: Maybe it’s just the whole team is salty and sassy all the time?

Whatever it is, it’s working so far.


Shoutout to John Torchio for recording his first career interception!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC