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The B1G Roast: this conference is very bad

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Even the teams that won barely won, or played Pitt!

NCAA Football: Arizona State at Michigan State
Celebrating the fact that the game was refereed by Pac-12 refs.
Mike Carter-USA TODAY Sports

It took a long time of scrolling down this team list before I got to a B1G team that won, who didn’t play another B1G team.

Let’s just talk about this Tennessee Titans sideline fire of a conference now and get it over with.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 48th, Offense 61st, Defense 50th, Special Teams 28th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 6 Ohio State, 51-10

Biggest strength: Indiana usually plays Ohio State tough for about three quarters and then loses by, like, 14 or something. This past weekend was not one of those usual games. The Hoosiers got smacked in the mouth repeatedly and did nothing whatsoever to stop the next smacking. Playing without starting QB Michael Penix Jr. was not a good way to try and upset Ohio State.

As a team, they ran the ball for 42 yards on 31 carries. I am physically sick.

Biggest weakness: I hope the gang at CQ accomplished goal two on Saturday.

The Hoosiers won the time of possession battle against the Buckeyes, so this was just a minor speed bump in the road on the way to #9WINDIANA.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. UConn, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 54th, Offense 66th, Defense 48th, Special Teams 126th

Last week’s results: (L) at Temple, 20-17

Biggest strength: The Terps had two (2) points at halftime. That’s the most Iowa shit I’ve ever heard of in my life!

The amount of tweets I saw shouting about putting all of their money on the Terps before this game was, quite frankly, staggering.

I hope Tom still has some money left.

Anthony McFarland Jr. still had a good game in the backfield, rushing for 132 yards and a score and Antoine Brooks Jr. racked up 13 total tackles for Maryland’s defense.

Biggest weakness: ::hooting intensifies::

Ok, now that we can all settle down about “fearing the turtle” and all of that it’s important to note that Maryland does this every year! They start off hot by beating Texas or a massively over-ranked Syracuse and everyone thinks “this is the year!” And it isn’t. It isn’t ever the year for Maryland.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 16th, Offense 74th, Defense 1st, Special Teams 24th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: I saw that Netflix is going to start carrying the entire catalog of Seinfeld episodes starting in 2021. Seinfeld is a funny show that has some imminently quotable lines that 100% doesn’t stand up at all when you watch it now. Basically every episode would be 45 seconds long if the characters had a cell phone.

I guess some comedy is timeless and some just has its one specific time where it was funny. Both are important, but they are definitely different. Like, will my daughters think Seinfeld is funny? Will they think The Office is funny? Oh God...what if they don’t like Archer? Brb gonna go have an existential crisis about comedy for a minute.

Biggest weakness: Speaking of existential crises, Michigan fans just don’t know how to feel about the game this weekend.

Personally, I think Michigan should put their entire football program in the toilet and jam it down the pipes with a plunger until there is nothing left. Just one man’s opinion.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 13 Wisconsin, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 23rd, Offense 94th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 69th (nice)

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Arizona State, 10-7

Biggest strength: Are the Spartans really thinking about firing Mark Dantonio???

Or maybe they should just get rid of their offensive coordinator.

Anyways...here’s this kid!

Biggest weakness: The Spartans lost to Arizona State because of the Pac-12 refs but also because they only scored seven points in a regulation football game!

But seriously...the Pac-12 needs to move to robot refs immediately. I wonder what the hiring practices are for their officials. Is it more or less strenuous than getting hired by a door to door MLM company?

BURN! MSU CAN’T COUNT, YO!

Jeff, please. I can’t do this right now!

The Spartans had 404 total yards and went 9-for-17 on third down and only turned the ball over once...how did they lose this game?

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Northwestern, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 5th, Offense 6th, Defense 13th, Special Teams 105th

Last week’s results: (W) at Indiana, 51-10

Biggest strength: I hope this derelict Buckeyes fan is declaring this on his taxes too!

Although, tax evasion is probably something they teach you in Columbus. Justin Fields passed for 199 yards and three scores and then added another score on the ground. J.K. Dobbins added 193 rushing yards and a score and a receiving touchdown too. Chase Young had two sacks.

Ohio State is pretty good.

Biggest weakness: So far one of the coolest things about being a parent is explaining something that everyone knows, but your kid doesn’t, for the first time. Last week during lunch my older daughter was talking about how her mac and cheese was going into her stomach. Then she asked where it went next. I’ve never seen someone think so hard and then get so excited when I told her that it becomes poop and comes out of her butt.

She spent the rest of the meal saying “mac and cheese goes in, poop comes out.” I am extremely proud of her.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Miami (OH), 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 14th, Offense 18th, Defense 26th, Special Teams 11th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Pitt, 17-10

Biggest strength: Criminal Minds is such a great show, but I always knew JJ was western PA trash.

Journey Brown ran 10 times for 109 yards (long of 85) and the defense had 10 tackles for loss and three sacks. Otherwise? Not much good to talk about.

Biggest weakness: Can you imagine kicking a field goal from the one-yard line with your team down a touchdown and under four minutes left in the game? AND THEN MISS IT?!?!?! Pat Narduzzi should be sent to the bottom of the ocean for that decision. Even funnier, is needing that sequence of events to happen to beat Pitt at home.

“A loss is a loss,” Narduzzi said. “It doesn’t matter who it’s to, when it is. It’s a non-conference game. All our goals are still ahead of us. We’ve got a resilient football team that I love. We’ll be fine. We’ll be just fine.”

Just fine.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 112th, Offense 116th, Defense 79th, Special Teams 32nd

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: This is the best image that has ever been on Monday Night Football.

Stop making out with random ladies from North Jersey, Sam! Amateur mistake.

Biggest weakness: This past weekend I attended a bachelor party for a long-time friend. The only bad things to happen were: losing a couple hundred bucks at a casino in central Minnesota, one guy fractured his ankle slightly, my Bluetooth speaker was briefly submerged in the lake while our boat almost sank, but didn’t, and now the speaker works fine and we watched the Gophers come back to beat Georgia Southern.

As my one buddy put it: “my wife loves when I come to bachelor parties with you guys because she knows she has nothing to worry about.” Except for fractured ankles, yes, there is nothing to worry about.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Boston College, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 83rd, Offense 64th, Defense 85th, Special Teams 4th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Eastern Michigan, 34-31

Biggest strength: It’s time to seriously consider relegating Illinois to the MAC and promoting, well, any of the other teams there.

Reggie Corbin rushed for 144 yards and a TD on 18 carries.

Biggest weakness: Lovie Smith is the defensive coordinator, as well as the head coach, and he has opposing coaches (who won four games a year ago and lost to Colorado this year, mind you) talking like this.

Lovie will just say some shit, after losing to Nebraska 35-10, like “I have to do better. We have to do better. We’ll get it fixed this week in practice.” I would never watch football again if I were an Illinois/Bears fan.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Nebraska, 7:00 p.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 24th, Offense 50th, Defense 25th, Special Teams 15th

Last week’s results: (W) at Iowa State, 18-17

Biggest strength: I’ve seen a number of Iowa fans online say they are kind of upset that their rivalry game with Iowa State ended on a botched punt. You’ve got to lean into the punting, Iowans. Don’t let it control the narrative, you, the ones who punt control the narrative. Not the punting itself.

Nate Stanley scored a rushing touchdown and their kicker made four field goals and, uh, that’s it!

Biggest weakness: Telling jokes. “I came in (and) someone was eating a hoagie,” Ferentz joked after support staffers went out and grabbed sandwiches during the second delay, which last just over 2 hours.

That...isn’t a joke! It’s just a fact about a guy Kirk Ferentz works with who was hungry!

“He was also wearing a black and yellow shirt,” Ferentz went on to say as reporters cackled manically while holding their tape recorders.

“We love to punt.” ::everyone dies from lack of oxygen because they were laughing so hard::

This week’s opponent: BYE

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 41st, Offense 21st, Defense 77th, Special Teams 104th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Georgia Southern, 35-32

Biggest strength: Playing a full 60 minutes of football!

It’s a real galaxy brained take to say barely beating Georgia Southern and South Dakota State at home is “beneficial” but deciding to play your college football at Minnesota is also pretty galaxy brained, so what do I know?

Biggest weakness: I...don’t think this is saying what you think it is saying, Ryan.

Gophers fans are already starting to walk back their insanely wild preseason takes of “winning the division” and “not being coached by the biggest penis in college sports.” It’ll be really exciting to see them play in confer...

Oh...oh God! WHAT IF THIS HAPPENS?!?!?!

This week’s opponent: BYE

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 37th, Defense 56th, Special Teams 82nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Northern Illinois, 44-8

Biggest strength: Are Scott Frost’s pants too tight?

I don’t know? Are college kids back to wearing baggy pants again? It’s hard to keep up with the cyclical nature of fashion. I got made fun of for wearing leather slippers, which are extremely comfortable, the other day and I just could not have been bothered any less about that. Who am I trying to impress anyway?

Biggest weakness: At least the Colorado game didn’t completely damage Husker fans’ psyches for the rest of the year.

Adrian Martinez was 16-for-27 with 257 yards and two scores, while adding 44 yards rushing and another score. Dedrick Mills ran for 116 yards and a touchdown too. Mo Barry had 10 tackles.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 7:00 p.m. CST, BTN

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 69th (nice), Offense 119th, Defense 17th, Special Teams 85th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. UNLV, 30-14

Biggest strength: Was this guy sitting behind Prison Mike?

Hunter “Bob’s Favorite Player” Johnson threw for 165 yards, one TD, one pick and added a TD on the ground with 55 yards rushing too. Freshman Drake Anderson added 141 running the ball and a score too.

Biggest weakness: I want to box Pat Fitzgerald over this proclamation.

Just because playing in your mausoleum of a stadium is an advantage to the nerds on your team that prefer being in the library, doesn’t mean the rest of us want to be drunk by 10:30 in the morning to watch our stupid teams play! GO SCREW, FITZGERALD!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Michigan State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 58th, Offense 23rd, Defense 97th, Special Teams 49th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. TCU, 34-13

Biggest strength: Purdue football. Bad on all streaming services!

They rushed for 23 yards on 25 attempts which isn’t going to get the job done when you are starting your backup quarterback who completed fewer than 50% of his passes and also threw two picks.

Rondale Moore had three catches for 25 yards. :(

Ben Holt had 17 total tackles, which is pretty good, but also means there were a lot of TCU players that needed tackling...presumably because they were driving up and down the field.

Biggest weakness: Shouldn’t be looking past the BYE this week, Purdue.

But yeah...Jonathan Taylor is going to LOVE playing Purdue this year.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 16th, Defense 11th, Special Teams 128th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: I will be in Madison this weekend for the Michigan game! I’m pretty excited to be back in town, even though I won’t be going to the actual game (damn kids and also I just want to sit on the couch and drink a beer). I’ll still be tailgating though! If you want to bring some Spotted Cow there I’ll throw a bratwurst at you.

Go Badgers.

Biggest weakness: Sometimes, in very rare instances, the internet is good.

Good hit.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 11 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX