The B1G Roast: your Super Bowl Champion Nebraska Cornhuskers have lost

Let’s get right down to the roasting because we need to get these jokes off about Nebraska before everyone moves on to the next week of games.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 40th, Offense 57th, Defense 44th, Special Teams 1st

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Eastern Illinois, 52-0

Biggest strength: The Hoosiers had three different quarterbacks play and combined, they went 30-of-41 for 441 yards and four TDs. Peyton Ramsey was 13-of-14 by himself! Eastern Illinois had 64 passing yards. And 52 rushing yards. Neither of those numbers are very good.

Did you know: this was IU’s biggest margin of victory since they beat Nebraska 54-0 in 1994? Nebraska has sucked long before they got into the conference.

Biggest weakness: Don’t you dare kill #9WINDIANA, Terps.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 6 Ohio State, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 38th, Offense 34th, Defense 64th, Special Teams 73rd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 21 Syracuse, 63-20

Biggest strength: Holy shit was this a boat racing. Maryland scored 21 points in the first and second quarter, took their foot off the gas in the third by only scoring a touchdown and then put an exclamation point on the game by winning the fourth quarter 14-0.

As a team, they ran for 354 yards and six TDs. Anthony McFarland, Jr. had two and so did Javon Leake. Each of their top four RBs had a long run of 20+ yards, with two of them having 50+ long runs.

Syracuse, while clearly overrated, was still a ranked team that had high expectations this year. A lot of people were saying they’d give Clemson a run for their money at the Carrier Dome! I shudder to think how many points Dabo and the boys are going to hang on the Orange.

Still one of the best videos out there. Go Terps.

Biggest weakness: Apparently these aren’t even Chesapeake blue crabs. Get it together, ESPN!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Temple, 11:00 a.m. CST, CBSSN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 15th, Offense 54th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 34th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Army, 24-21, 2OT

Biggest strength: Respecting the troops.

They also gave starting running back Zach Charbonnet 33 carries on the day for some reason. He only gained 100 yards, but did score thrice. A 3.3 ypc is no way to go through life, son.

Khaleke Hudson had 12 tackles and three other Wolverines joined him with double digit stops. I guess when the opposing team runs the triple option there are going to be a lot of collisions.

Biggest weakness: Shea Patterson is freaking average. If he played at Wisconsin everyone would be making the same “Wisconsin game manager QB” jokes and not touting him as some sort of all-conference type player that is going to change the fortunes of an entire program.

He’s also hurt! Coming into Camp Randall with a banged up quarterback and playing a defense that is FLYING around the field and hasn’t given up a single point this season?

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 18th, Offense 67th, Defense 12th, Special Teams 30th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Western Michigan, 51-17

Biggest strength: Way to go, you beat a directional Michigan. Wisconsin didn’t give up any points while beating theirs, so maybe cool it a bit?

The people have spoken on MSU football.

Darrel Stewart Jr. had 10 catches for 185 yards and a score and freshman RB Elijah Collins ran for 192 yards on only 17 carries.

Biggest weakness: Woof.

I don’t care about wearing school colors. I kinda think the neon is cool. But the big STATE across the chest is dumb as hell. It looks like a reject from the original XFL and I should know. I used to own an Orlando Rage jersey!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Arizona State, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 5th, Offense 14th, Defense 11th, Special Teams 23rd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Cincinnati, 42-0

Biggest strength: Rivalries are good.

Cincinnati? Maybe not as good as we thought. Or is aOsu better than we thought? That would suck. Justin Fields is definitely better than we thought. He went 20-for-25, 224 YDS and two TDs on the day.

Biggest weakness: Not too many right now. I, on the other hand, have a number of weaknesses. My main one, currently, is having two kids who are getting sick because then, a few days later (read: right now) I get sick.

You ever try taking care of two kids under three who are both sick while you yourself are also sick? It’s the worst! Maybe I should go sneeze on Justin Fields and get him sick so he stops playing so well?

A fair point tbqh.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 10th, Offense 21st, Defense 24th, Special Teams 26th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Buffalo, 45-13

Biggest strength: You know what they say? Bad dancer...bad at quarterbacking.

Some may make fun of a team like PSU for having a dance party after beating lowly Buffalo but I say, they can dance if they want to. They can leave their frien...sorry, sorry, I’m trying to delete it.

Biggest weakness: James Franklin exhausts me.

You can’t see it, sadly, but the first response is “You play at noon coach.”

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Pitt, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 107th, Offense 113th, Defense 71st, Special Teams 42nd

Last week’s results: (L) at Iowa, 30-0

Biggest strength: PUNTS PUNT PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS PUNTS!

You know you are punting well when the Iowa fans are impressed.

Take a peak at this morning’s Blogopean Union for more on the Iowa/Rutgers Punt-a-palooza.

Biggest weakness: Rutgers is just plain bad. They should not be getting shutout in conference play as often as they do. Their two quarterbacks were a combined 10-of-27 for 47 (!!!) yards and two picks. That is dreadful. Look at the poor band! They travelled at that way to watch this shit?!?

There is a growing contingent of Scarlet Knight fans who are ready to kick Chris Ash to the curb. I have to say, they are right. Rutgers is by no means some “sleeping giant” that will all of the sudden start competing for conference titles with the right coach, but they also aren’t a school that should be getting shutout once or twice a year.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 73rd, Offense 93rd, Defense 40th, Special Teams 24th

Last week’s results: (W) at UConn, 31-23

Biggest strength: The Illini were losing 10-0 after one quarter to UConn. That was a tough sentence to type, and not because I’m functionally illiterate and use my voice to text function on my phone to write these posts.

UConn has been bad at football since the dawn of man. Losing to them, even for a quarter of the game is terrible. Michigan transfer Brandon Peters tossed four TDs for Illinois and only lost one fumble!

On defense, Oluwole Betiku Jr. recorded 3.5 sacks on the game and is second in the whole dang country with five sacks in two games.

Biggest weakness: I think we kind of discussed the weakness already. Letting UConn think they have a chance to beat you is pretty weak.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Eastern Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 20th, Offense 56th, Defense 17th, Special Teams 29th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 30-0

Biggest strength: Nate Stanley threw three TDs and their kicker kicked three FGs. That was way more offense than they needed, but Iowa is an offensive juggernaut now. Accept it.

DEMANDS MET!

Biggest weakness: You love to see it, Iowa. Don’t ever change!

Iowa/Iowa State GameDay is going to be so much fun. Ames is such a cool college town and those fans are going to be hype as hell.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Iowa State, 3:00 p.m. CST, FS1

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 42nd, Offense 10th, Defense 96th, Special Teams 37th

Last week’s results: (W) at Fresno State, 38-35, 2OT

Biggest strength: I fell asleep while watching this game, woke up when Fresno State scored to take the lead late and thought to myself “oh cool, I’ll stay up and watch the Gophers lose!”

30 seconds later I was asleep again and then woke up Sunday morning flabbergasted that Minnesota pulled it out. Rashod Bateman had another monster game, catching seven balls for 105 yards and a TD.

But the play people will remember is this ABSURD catch by Chris Autman-Bell.

I will never understand how people are able to do stuff like make that catch.

John Legend’s nephew plays for the Gophers. It is taking all of me not to yell at Legend on here. I used to love u, John.

Biggest weakness: Gophers fans have now been forced to undertake the unenviable task of defending their shiny penis of a coach’s sartorial choices online.

They’re like “you aren’t the audience” and “it isn’t for you, it’s for the kids and it’s working” and I’m just sitting here like, “sure, but that doesn’t make his yellow smock any less stupid.” If I’m going to make fun of how Paul Chryst dresses on the sideline I’m sure as shit going to make fun of this incredible grifter.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Georgia Southern, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 52nd, Offense 75th, Defense 39th, Special Teams 95th

Last week’s results: (L) at Colorado, 34-31 OT

Biggest strength: Things were going so well before the second half kicked off in this game. Husker fans had taken over Boulder, Nebraska was up 17-0, ahhhhh, such happier times.

NSFW Audio in the below video if you are reading this at work, which I fully endorse.

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

An actual senator chimed in with some shade!

Nebraska definitely won this game and painted Boulder red afterwards, right? That’s quite literally the only explanation I’d believe.

Biggest weakness: Oh! Oh no! What happened?

The defense did NOT give up a 96-yard flea flicker, that’s unbelievable.

Are you trying to tell me that a four-win team from last year struggled to close out a P5 team on the road? I refuse to believe it.

Darrion, buddy, pal...you are not.

At least the always reasonable Husker fan base is taking this all in stride.

Mohamed Barry, you would have been so much happier at Wisconsin! Poor guy.

“But we didn’t do it.”

This is the new Nebraska football motto.

Adrian Martinez fumbled three times, losing two, and also threw a pick. Accused child revenge porn sender Maurice Washington had a good game, totaling 195 yards and a TD.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northern Illinois, 7:00 p.m. CST, FS1

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 84th, Offense 129th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 104th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: I was trying to think of something to write here and I realized that my life is so boring now that I have no funny stories to tell. I am the lamest man in the world.

Biggest weakness: I sincerely hope that Antonio Brown destroys the Patriots from the inside.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. UNLV, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 57th, Offense 28th, Defense 95th, Special Teams 71st

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Vanderbilt, 42-24

Biggest strength: Official Crush of The B1G Roast Rondale Moore continued being the perfect football player.

I love him dearly.

Biggest weakness: This?!? This is your player of the week?

Elijah Sindelar is a fraud and Jack Coan is the one true B1G Player of the Week! Sindelar threw for over 500 yards and five scores, but every Purdue QB does stuff like that. It ain’t that special.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. TCU, 6:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 6th, Offense 25th, Defense 10th, Special Teams 119th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Central Michigan, 61-0

Biggest strength: We got a defense.

The quarterbacks for Wisconsin were 31-for-39 for 400 yards and three TDs (with Jack Coan throwing for 363 of those yards and all of those scores). Quintez Cephus was amazing, catching six passes for 130 yards and two long touchdowns.

The UW students were in midseason form for the first home game of the season. 30 ejections?!?! Do these kids know they can just leave if they’re bored?

Biggest weakness: LMAO

The Badgers, for second straight week, had basically no weaknesses. The kicking game (both place kicking and punting) needs to be better but that is the bye week’s problem. Nakia Watson needs to stop fumbling.

This week’s opponent: BYE