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The B1G Roast: Changes

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Things have changed at the site, in my life and in the B1G since last football season. But Michigan won’t win their division. That hasn’t changed.

Speer Family Farms Pumpkin Patch
It’s fall. Fall is here.
Jane Tyska/Digital First Media/East Bay Times via Getty Images

Another college football season is upon us! We’ve already had a shitty game between two Florida teams that overestimate their own national relevance and a completely bonkers Hawaii game that ended with a defensive tackle chasing down a quarterback at the one yard line, after running 40+ yards in pursuit, to preserve a victory.

Manly Williams! What a play! What a name! College football is the BEST!

The Badgers enter the 2019 season with a number of questions, that we have been mulling over all offseason, and at least one of them was answered on Sunday. Jack Coan will be the starting quarterback in Week 1 against USF and Graham Mertz and Chase Wolf are listed as co-backups. I haven’t seen too much internet outrage about this, but then again I’ve been tweeting about the Florida State quarterback competition for...no reason at all.

“Starting behind the center at quarterback.” What an odd way of phrasing that. Florida State’s social media team has been on FIRE this offseason. They don’t know how many days are left until their season starts and they think MLK would’ve been an FSU fan maybe? I don’t know what they were going for with this tweet.

Things around here sure have changed a little since last football season. Mike and Jake are no longer in charge of the site and they’ve left the managerial role vacant all summer, as far as I can tell. There’s no way a site manager would’ve allowed a post comparing each B1G school to a Real Housewife onto the front page. That would be “man card revoking” worthy! I love reading the comments on our Facebook page posts, btw.

I’ve enjoyed being the site manager for the past few months and I hope you haven’t noticed TOO much of a drop-off since Jake left. We’ve hired a couple of new writers, including one to focus entirely on the dominant Badgers volleyball team, and promoted Bob to deputy editor. We’ve had reporters at B1G Media Days in Chicago and one at every practice open to the media (except one) which has been great.

Over the last two months I have quit my day job to be a stay at home dad, taken the site manager job here and had a second kid. It has been a hectic few months and learning on the job, for both of my new jobs, has been as rewarding as it has been difficult. Who knew a second kid would increase your stress levels so much?

Anyways, I’m excited for the new football season and all the hot, fresh, cheesy pizz...I mean content we have in store for you. I know none of you are shy about expressing your thoughts here but please feel free to hit me up if you have any questions, comments, concerns or tips for the site.

Important note: now that Bill C. is at ESPN, and dropped the ampersand (WHICH I WILL NEVER DO IN THIS COLUMN OUT OF RESPECT TO THE PAST!), we here at SB Nation don’t have unfettered access to his statistical brilliance.

We’ll have the SP+ rankings for you after Week 1 of the season, but for now let’s just imagine where everyone is ranked...or we can use this ranking from February and go from there!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (46th overall)

Last season’s results: 5-7 overall, 2-7 B1G

Biggest strength: The Hoosiers are going to win nine games this year. Everyone knows this. It isn’t open for debate.

You can even get a t-shirt that will let everyone know that Indiana will win nine games this year. Even though everyone already knows this.

What would happen if Indiana were to only win eight games? Well, my friend, that is not something you need to worry your pretty little head about because...#9windiana.

Biggest weakness: I’m constantly worried about the Hoosiers football fanbase. Everyone I follow on the twitter machine that supports IU always has such a fatalistic view about, well, everything that come fall I worry for their safety.

Also, uh, Indiana hasn’t been ranked in 1,299 week. #9WINDIANA CHANGES ALL OF THAT!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Ball State, 11 a.m. CST, CBSSN, Lucas Oil Stadium

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (67th overall)

Last season’s results: 5-7 overall, 3-6 B1G

Biggest strength: High school football coaches in the state.

How is Maryland not better at football when they got kids in their own backyard being coached by people named Biff who dress like that!?!?!?

Biggest weakness: This is decidedly NOT a weakness but it is worth remembering before the start of every season.

Texas is back!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Howard, 11 a.m. CST, BTN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (9th overall)

Last season’s results: 10-3 overall, 8-1 B1G

Biggest strength: Still being owned by resplendent, towering, dickhead Urban Meyer.

A lot of people are saying that THIS is the year that Michigan finally gets over the hump, beats Ohio State and plays in the B1G title game. A thing that Northwestern, Iowa, Michigan State (3x), Penn State, Nebraska (EVEN NEBRASKA), Wisconsin (5x) and Ohio State (4x) has done and Michigan has never done, joining their peers Indiana, Purdue, Maryland, Rutgers, Illinois and Minnesota in having never making the B1G title game...just to reiterate.

We’ll see.

Biggest weakness: Jim Harbaugh is a colossal, self-righteous crybaby.

Every school cheats in college football. Every. Single. One. Just because you aren’t a good enough coach to come in second place in the B1G East more often with top-10 recruiting classes doesn’t mean you get to cry “wahhhhh, but the SEC cheats!”

Harbaugh also got into a fight with Cincinnati’s coach, Luke Fickell, about a transfer’s immediate eligibility. A Tennessee transfer also has a problem with Michigan, as does a Georgia Tech transfer! Now, as much as I’d like to castigate Harbaugh here for being a whiny, two-faced doorknob...he might not be 100% in the wrong.

The NCAA, almost always 100% in the wrong when it comes to issues like these, makes transferring a needlessly complicated process that requires a specialized lawyer to understand the ins and outs. In this article, a lawyer says:

“Finding the exceptions to the year-in-residence requirement and the specific requirements for each requires one to begin with the 440-page (NCAA) DI Manual, which has a table of contents that might as well be labeled, ‘Don’t Start Here,’ ’’ Tom Mars said via text message. “Then, if you’re fortunate enough to find what you’re looking for, which often refers you to another bylaw with exceptions to the exception, you have to go to the Legislative updates that have been published since the annual DI Manual went online and search through those to see if anything has changed, which is usually the case.”

440 pages! Are you kidding me?!? I wonder how long the manual is for coaches who want to change jobs? Do you think new Miami head coach Manny Diaz had to go through any waiting process after he decided 18 days was long enough as the Temple head coach? Reader, he did not.

Harbaugh is on record as saying every player should be able to transfer once, no questions asked (a good idea!) but he is also a khaki-clad chode who thinks players are making up mental health issues in order to transfer from his school.

The NCAA and Harbaugh suck.

This tweet, whether knowingly or not, does not suck and is actually hilarious.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Middle Tennessee State, 6:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (23rd overall)

Last season’s results: 7-6 overall, 5-4 B1G

Biggest strength: I need this hanging on the wall of my basement, but with Graham Mertz.

Biggest weakness: These two coaches will also be the winningest duo in MSU history at sweeping potential sexual abuse by their players under the rug!

Draymond Green can’t figure out a snap count.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. Tulsa, 6 p.m. CST, FS1

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (7th overall)

Last season’s results: 13-1 overall, 8-1 B1G

Biggest strength: The current ESPN FPI has three (!!!) teams in the B1G East with a better chance of winning the conference than Ohio State. There are also three teams in the B1G West with a better chance of winning the conference than Wisconsin, but I digress.

It seems like the Buckeyes, who have done nothing to garner this disrespect except change coaches to a guy who has already won games as Ohio State’s head coach, are being forgotten about a bit this season. I know, I know, a top-10 team isn’t “forgotten about” but this is definitely the first year in a couple that Ohio State’s unquestioned dominance in the B1G is being, well, questioned.

Good. Ohio State is this brisket. In that, I hate it (them) and want to never see it (them) again.

Biggest weakness: The DJ for what? The stadium?

All aOsu “super fans” are terrible people.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Florida Atlantic, 11 a.m. CST, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (14th overall)

Last season’s results: 9-4 overall, 6-3 B1G

Biggest strength: Trace McSorley played well for the Ravens in the preseason the other night.

And I just triggered myself. The PSU/UW B1G Championship Game is still extremely maddening to me, apparently. I’d like to thank all of my PSU friends for respecting my privacy during this trying time of remembering an old football game.

Biggest weakness: Man, coming up with stuff to write about all of these teams when there hasn’t been a real game played in months is tough! The other night, while I was rocking my two month old daughter to sleep, I decided to clean up the @B5Q following list. Did you know that we were still following Bret Bielema? It’s true! Unfollowing him felt great.

I also unfollowed Dan Dakich because his particular brand of “just asking questions” is tiresome and I want to punt my phone into space when his name comes across the timeline.

Lol Dakich is a trash can with a microphone and I can’t wait to be mad online and IRL when he’s calling Badgers basketball games this winter.

James Franklin is a scumbag if these allegations are true. “A former team doctor for Penn State is suing the university and football Coach James Franklin, claiming Franklin pressured him about clearing injured players to return to the gridiron.”

Cool, normal stuff there. And people wonder why kids are choosing to play other sports more and more.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Idaho, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (108th overall)

Last season’s results: 1-11 overall, 0-9 B1G

Biggest strength: Dance routines!

Maybe they should spend more time learning the playbook and less time dancing, a quote from some joyless chud with 68 followers who tweets at recruits, probably.

But, uh, yeah...I don’t have any football strengths for Rutgers this year.

Biggest weakness: You may not know this, but college football started at Rutgers 150 years ago!

If they played Princeton tomorrow who would be favored? Well, it’s hard to say. Rutgers got a great new stadium name this offseason! ::holds finger to ear:: ::whispers into mic:: that can’t be right...it isn’t really called that, is it?

Way to lean into it, Rutgers.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. UMass, 6:15 p.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (91st overall)

Last season’s results: 4-8 overall, 2-7 B1G

Biggest strength: The Illini have been hiring high school coaches to their staff and magically the good players from those high schools are committing to play their college football at Illinois! Crazy!

Their new football locker room thingy is pretty sweet.

They’re also very concerned about privacy.

Biggest weakness: #ACWTBTWEI (Anyone can win the Big Ten West except Illinois) the official hashtag of our division.

#ORUNITP

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Akron, 11 a.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (25th overall)

Last season’s results: 9-4 overall, 5-4 B1G

Biggest strength: “The Visual Awakening” sounds like a title of a movie airing on Lifetime that I don’t understand the premise of.

The Hawkeyes had a good start to New Memes Making Fun of Nebraska season. Wisconsin and Minnesota will have to do a lot to catch up to them.

Biggest weakness: 2017 Pinstripe Bowl champs!?!? How many recruits has that locked up? I bet at least a dozen.

Kirk Ferentz is still the coach here. This is a sentence that will be written in any Iowa football preview from now until a nuke sent to destroy a hurricane accidentally hits Florida and destroys the whole country.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Miami (Ohio), 6:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (33rd overall)

Last season’s results: 7-6 overall, 3-6 B1G

Biggest strength: The chirping from Minnesota fans online this offseason has, honestly, been impressive. There aren’t many Gophers football fans out there and I didn’t expect many of them to show up online and crow about beating Wisconsin once in the past 15 years, but...there they were.

Biggest weakness: Naming your new food after your huckster jackass coach’s catchphrases.

The man talk’s a mile a minute but goes nowhere.

I wonder what he thinks about the sanctity of marriage or a contract to coach Western Michigan?

And only 400 of these decommitments were from Minnesota! P.J. Fleck can get bent forever.

This week’s opponent: Thursday vs. South Dakota State, 8 p.m. CST, FS1

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (45th overall)

Last season’s results: 4-8 overall, 3-6 B1G (LOLOLOLOLOL)

Biggest strength: This team is going to win the B1G West, B1G conference and national title.

People have lost their danged minds about Nebraska. Look, they will definitely be better than last year because there is basically no way they could be worse, but all these maniacs predicting championships (of any kind) for the Huskers? Naw, man. Not gonna happen.

Biggest weakness: Smoking weeeeeeed! Their players can’t stop doing it! Weed should be legal, it really should, but it isn’t in Nebraska and they had four players popped for it this offseason.

Wanna guess how many are facing discipline?

If you guessed zero you win nothing because everyone knew what the answer was going to be.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. South Alabama, 11 a.m. CST, ESPN

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (57th overall)

Last season’s results: 9-5 overall, 8-1 B1G (!?!?!?!?!)

Biggest strength: Pat Fitzgerald thinks the reason no one wants to trudge out to dreary-ass Evanston and watch his scrappy team of misfits struggle to put three consecutive drives together in their janky, high school-ass stadium while rain rolls off of Lake Michigan in October is...cell phones?

For someone who thinks cell phones are the devil, Pat Fitzgerald sure spends a lot of time tweeting from one. Or does he use the desktop version of Twitter? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY!?!?

Biggest weakness: STAY THE HELL OUT OF WISCONSIN YOU JACKED UP LUDDITE!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 25 Stanford, 3 p.m. CST, FOX

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (58th overall)

Last season’s results: 6-7 overall, 5-4 B1G

Biggest strength: Rondale Moore is amazing and the best.

That’s it. That’s the strength.

Biggest weakness: NCAA 14 presents: The Darkest Timeline.

Northwestern is the team I always forget when I’m trying to go through the conference alphabetically to label this post, but Purdue is the team I always struggle with the most to work up vitriol towards. They don’t DO anything. They’re just kinda there, taking up space and every so often going to Detroit for a bowl game.

This week’s opponent: Friday at Nevada, 8:30 p.m. CST, CBSSN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: WHO KNOWS? BILL C. HASN’T RELEASED THEM YET! (11th overall)

Last season’s results: 8-5 overall, 5-4 B1G

Biggest strength: What else is there to say about the Badgers that we haven’t already discussed ad nauseam this offseason? Jonathan Taylor is going to be good. The WRs are deep and talented. The offensive line is good but untested. The defense is young but has experience from being thrown into the fire last year. The special teams are...well, we’ll see about the special teams.

I think the Badgers are a better team than last year but have a very good chance of finishing with an equal, or worse, record. I could also see them catching Michigan early and knocking them in the mouth and then riding that momentum back to Indy for the B1G title game.

Very few things will surprise me this year. I’m just ready for the season to start. Friday can’t come soon enough.

Biggest weakness: I really want to know what the BTN bus was doing at Target.

Who needed to stop and get something? I bet it was Gerry DiNardo. He probably needed more Twizzlers or a new hutch to store things by his bed. See, that’s the great thing about Target...it has everything. Target run and done!

We are going to get this post sponsored this year by someone if it’s the last thing I do. CALL ME, TARGET!

This week’s opponent: Friday at South Florida, 6 p.m. CST, ESPN