Long time readers of this blog will know that I have watched an episode or two of tv on the channel Bravo. Long time friends of mine will know that I watch a lot of episodes of tv on the channel Bravo and have thoughts on most of them. I spent most of Thursday thinking about how Kathryn, who has been ostensibly sober for a while, just up and admitted that she still drinks. She just doesn’t do anything illegal. And then she yelled at Austen about it!
Anyways, that’s not the point of this blog.
The point of this blog is to scientifically find out which cast member of any of the Real Housewives shows corresponded to each Big Ten institution of higher learning. Thankfully I had some help in this monumental task.
My wife has a text thread with four of our other friends which is called Bravo Bitches. Members of this thread have seen The Countess live in concert. They have hosted watch parties for episodes. They have searched for Bravolebrities while on vacation. These Bitches mean business.
They won’t let me on the thread because “I wouldn’t be able to handle the takes” which...well that’s saying something. It must be looking like a nuclear waste site on there when shit goes down on Below Deck, like when poor, dumb June got fired last week.
So, basically what we did was this: I described how I felt about a certain school and their football team and then the Bravo Bitches debated which Housewife most fit those criteria. I now present to you the definitive guide to Which Real Housewife is Your Favorite B1G School!
The Illini are Larsa Pippen. You may be saying: wait a minute...Scottie Pippen’s ex-wife who is somehow involved with the Kardashians and Ben Simmons now was a Real Housewife? And I’d say: well done on keeping up with some pop culture!
Much like the Illini, Pippen’s Real Housewife franchise (Miami) was cancelled in 2013 and she was only even on the show for one season. So, outside of denying being in relationships with young, Australian men I haven’t really heard from either since.
The Hoosiers are Tamra Judge. This Real Housewife of Orange County gets so drunk that she fell getting into AND out of a hot tub last season...while completely naked. Outside of the hot tub, that sounds like the Little 500 to me.
She is also extremely religious now, she was baptized in her backyard pool in season 10, and for someone who was dubbed “the villain of season nine” a little preachy about it. Indiana has also given us Mike Pence, a religious man that calls his wife “Mother” which is weird enough to be a storyline on, well, any of these shows.
The Hawkeyes are Brandi Redmond. Brandi is the good time gal on Real Housewives of Dallas. She drinks a little too much and is basically the epitome of “white girl wasted.”
That, right there, is every Iowa sorority girl at 9:45 am on Saturdays. She married her high school boyfriend because no one from Iowa leaves or meets new people, so that tracks. On a nicer note, she adopted a kid which reminds me of how all of Kinnick waves to the Children’s Hospital every game.
The Terps are Ashley Darby. All I know about her is that she’s on Real Housewives of Potomac and she married an old dude for his money. Just like Maryland and Jim Delany!
The Wolverines are Carole Radziwell. The former cast member of RHONY, Carole thinks she’s smarter than everyone and isn’t afraid to tell you. Sound like, oh I don’t know, everyone you’ve ever met who went to Michigan?
She left the show in 2018 to focus on her writing much like the Wolverines who have left being competitive against Ohio State for the last decade.
The Spartans are NeNe Leakes. The Real Housewives of Atlanta star thinks she’s awesome but doesn’t really have a whole lot going for her anymore, according to the Bravo Bitches.
MSU has never really had anything going for them other than wildly mismanaging reports of sexual assault. Look, not every one of these is going to be a perfect match.
The Gophers are Denise Richards. This really bummed me out, because Denise is one of my favorite Housewives. She’s never appropriately dressed for their outings, she curses a lot and unlike most of these women she was actually famous before appearing on these shows.
Also, like an good Minnesotan Denise is nice but can be really bitchy when the situation calls for it. Lastly, she was in Drop Dead Gorgeous which is an amazing movie about Minnesota.
The Huskers are Vicki Gunvalson. One of the OGs of the OC (I’m available to work for you, Andy Cohen), Vicki used to be awesome a long time ago but now she mostly just the worst.
It’s almost too apt, isn’t it Nebraska? She’s not even really on the show anymore which we can NOT say about Nebraska and their horde of delusional fans clamoring for a bye to the CFP.
The Wildcats are Ramona Singer. The RHONY can be really annoying most of the time, like Northwestern football and their high school ass stadium, but every once in a while she does something cool, like winning the B1G West which the Wildcats apparently did last year.
The Buckeyes are Luann de Lesseps. Oh my God is Luann THE WORST. She’s self-absorbed, holier than thou, a terrible singer and she makes everyone else on the show angry.
She refers to herself as The Countess. While some of these may not be perfect, this one definitely is. Luann is Ohio State, Ohio State is Luann. I hate them both so very much.
The Nittany Lions are Tinsley Mortimer. Tinsley has a criminal background. Tinsley was in the limelight for a long time and then had a precipitous fall from grace.
Having grown up knowing a bunch of people who did go to Penn State, I can safely say most of them have criminal records too.
The Boilermakers are Kameron Westcott. Kameron married very well, has her own dog food company that makes pink sparkly dog food and is a huge space cadet. She’s basically Kyle Orton plus marrying well. I’m assuming Orton also owns a dog food company.
She could be the next great Purdue astronaut!
The Scarlet Knights are Teresa Giudice. The Real Housewives of New Jersey star has a daughter who will be attending Rutgers! What a perfect match!
Teresa and her husband (for now) Joe, who is being deported, also have spent a lot of time in jail. Like members of the Rutgers football team!
The Badgers are Dorinda Medley. Now, all of the Bravo Bitches are proud alumnae of Wisconsin so this was probably the most difficult match to make. They didn’t want to seem like they were going easy on UW, but also...who really cares?
The Bitches were quoted as saying, “she’s cool and down to earth but goes hard when attacked.” She has also been known to get sloppy drunk on the show and well, haven’t we all gotten drunk while being filmed for our own reality tv show?