The B1G Roast presents, “Land of Lincoln 2: The Lincolning”

Sorry for the lack of Roast last week. I became an uncle a bit earlier than the family was expecting and there were lots of fun uncle things I had to take care of! Mostly hauling cardboard to the local recycling center, but fun nonetheless! Let’s see what’s has been happening in the world recently.

I want to believe, more than anything in the world, that the President of the United States of America tweeted out a #nice joke. I really, really, really, really do. Like, say he did it on purpose. Do you think he was just waiting for someone to bring him a document or briefing with the number 69 on it? Or, more plausibly, do you think he ordered someone to cook up a study that resulted in the number 69?

Sadly, I’m sure it was just a coincidence. Maybe our next President will deal with the public entirely in memes. Or be a meme! What a country!

Iowa needs to stop hitting improbable buzzer beaters or the whole conference is going to be in shambles.

I mean, look at this shit!

IT WENT OFF THE FREAKING BACKBOARD FROM THE CORNER?!?!?! Science says that shouldn’t be able to go in the basket, but Iowa has never been governed by the laws of science. If the Hawkeyes beat Maryland by a buzzer beater I will say one (1) nice thing about that state.

Presented without comment. DALE!

All KenPom rankings are as of Feb. 18, 2019

Illinois Fighting Illini

KenPom.com rankings: 66th overall; 74th offense, 73rd defense

Notable wins: Minnesota (No. 46 KenPom), Maryland (at MSG, No. 19 KenPom), Nebraska (No. 33 KenPom), Michigan State (No. 4 KenPom), at Ohio State (No. 39 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: Georgetown (No. 86 KenPom), Xavier (neutral site, No. 97 KenPom), Missouri (neutral site, No. 94 KenPom), Florida Atlantic (No. 157 KenPom)

Record: 10-15 overall, 6-8 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: Illinois is a weird team, man. They have a resume of quality wins that teams would kill to have, and they also lost to Florida Atlantic at home.

In those last six games they have beaten Maryland, Nebraska, Michigan State and Ohio State (and also Rutgers, which counts as a thing now!). That’s impressive! What’s really funny is that Illinois could have a winning record in conference and still have a losing record overall. You know what they say, after all, you can’t lose to a Xavier team by nine that lost to DePaul by double digits and expect to have a winning record. I’ve heard it one thousand times.

Annoyingly, all of Illinois’ best players are sophomores or freshman. I, personally, can’t wait to see how they squander all of this talent next year.

Biggest weaknesses: Giorgi Bezhanishvili, the Illinois player that I want to love ... but I mustn’t love, is having himself quite the little run of games recently. He has scored 13, 35 and 16 points in his last three and won KenPom’s MVP award for the last two. Against Ohio State, he had seven boards, four blocks, two steals and ::starts talking quietly and quickly:: five turnovers BUT DID YOU SEE THAT THREE OF THOSE REBOUNDS WERE ON THE OFFENSIVE END?!?

I’ve been hurt by a “-shvili” player before and I won’t do it again. ::stares out rain soaked window::

Ryan ... just to be even safer, let’s not say this, ok?

When do they play Wisconsin?: Monday, 7 p.m. CT, FS1; Kohl Center, Madison, Wis.

Northwestern Wildcats

KenPom.com rankings: 69th (NICE) overall; 184th offense, 25th defense

Notable wins: Indiana (No. 47 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: Rutgers (No. 85 KenPom)

Record: 12-13 overall, 3-11 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: The mighty Northwestern Wildcats have been punching above their D-III level and have been competing valiantly with their much more talented opp ::puts finger to ear:: hold on. What’s this? Northwestern is actually a Big Ten basketball team? That can’t be right. They have lost six games in a row, including to Rutgers! AT HOME! STOP DOING THIS TO MY BEAUTIFUL SON, VIC LAW!

Well, if you say so. I still say that Northwestern blows.

Anyways, look at these good dogs!

I can’t even get my kid to put her coat on when it is actually zero degrees outside and this woman has dogs playing double dutch. What a world.

Biggest weaknesses: Stop making Adam Jacobi sad, you monsters!

Thank you for making everything right, nerds.

Losing to Northwestern might set the comment section on fire here, so I suggest the Badgers forget they’re playing in Evanston and actually win this one.

When do they play Wisconsin?: Saturday, 7:30 p.m. CT, BTN; Welsh-Ryan Arena, Evanston, Ill.

Wisconsin Badgers

KenPom.com rankings: 11th overall, 36th offense, 6th defense

Notable wins: Oklahoma (No. 36 KenPom), N.C. State (No. 35 KenPom), at Iowa (No. 25 KenPom), Michigan (No. 6 KenPom), at Nebraska (No. 33 KenPom), Maryland (No. 19 KenPom), at Minnesota (No. 46 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: At Western Kentucky (No. 128 KenPom) ((((This loss just continues to get more mystifying!))))

Record: 17-8 overall, 9-5 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: The Badgers are a very good team that has a number of flaws that will maddeningly cause them to lose a winnable game in the NCAA Tournament. I’m already incensed.

This evergreen tweet has the best odds of being the flaw.

Also, in Ethan Happ news that will probably make you sad: Zion Williamson has basically been playing a different sport since I wrote that Happ should be NPOY. You’d think playing so well that it looks like you’re doing a different sport would be against the rules ... but here we are.

I’m sorry Ethan and everyone. This one is on me. I should’ve known that Williamson reads my stuff.

Biggest weaknesses: Ethan Happ out here calling his shot like The Great Bambino.

I prefer Dave Chappelle, but w/e.

I’m also not 100 percent sure if I should be offended by this, but I’m pretty sure I’m offended.

Let’s not freak out about losing two games to two good teams, OK? I agree that the patented “Wisconsin Scoring Drought” and their inability to close games and their suspect finishing at the rim and the fact that only two players can regularly make free throws and ... wait, dammit. Hold on!

As I was saying before I got sidetracked, let’s not freak out about losing two games to two good teams, ok? Everything is fine. They are fine.

(Maybe.)

When do they play these schools from Baja Wisconsin?: Tonight and Saturday. It is still cold.

Is there a greater self-own than telling the whole world that you get owned all the time?

::checks large ledger book::

Folks,,, there is not.