The B1G Roast: Wisconsin lost to Illinois who lost to Northwestern

The holiday season is upon us, folks. I hope y’all had a nice Thanksgiving filled with family, friends, food and drinks. I know, without you telling me btw, that you had a better Thanksgiving than Nebraska, so, kudos to you.

I spent all of Thanksgiving week in Arizona visiting my parents and sister, which was very nice. They don’t get to see my daughters as often as they’d like since they live in Philadelphia and, well, my daughters live with me. In Minnesota.

It’s always fun to see grandparents interact with grandchildren. It is just 100% love and adoration with 0% of the “we have to raise you and teach you how to be responsible members of society and not smear the candy you ate for breakfast on the walls.” My parents basically did whatever my oldest daughter said all week AND THEY ALL LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!

Outside of bed time taking eons because my oldest daughter manipulated every last family member into reading her stories and playing with her, it was a special week that I enjoyed. Oh, one thing I didn’t enjoy was the baby puking on my wife five minutes before we were to get on the plane home but she didn’t puke at all on the flight like a winner-champion.

I cannot wait to travel without children in 18 years.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 24th, Offense 14th, Defense 46th, Special Teams 22nd

Last week’s results: (W) at Purdue, 44-41 2OT

Biggest strength: All taunting in rivalry games should be a 15 yard penalty that helps the team which did the taunting.

Peyton Ramsey continued his magnificent play as the Hoosiers starting QB throwing for 337 yards and three touchdowns. He also ran the ball for 42 yards and two more scores! WHO NEEDS MICHALE PENIX?!?! Whop Philyor had 138 receiving yards and two touchdowns while Sampson James rushed for 118 yards and a score of his own. Good offense, IU!

Biggest weakness: Well...there may have been some doubt.

#9WINDIANA FOREVER

It’s true. College football is the world’s best and dumbest sport. I love it dearly.

The defense, on the other hand, player terribly! Purdue barely has enough players to field a full team and they were still able to score 41 points on the Hoosiers. Jamar Johnson had a sack and a pick.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 97th, Offense 78th, Defense 79th, Special Teams 127th

Last week’s results: (L) at Michigan State, 19-16

Biggest strength: Jesus Christ Maryland had a tire fire of a season. Let’s head over to Drew’s NBA Corner instead of talking about the Terps!

Carmelo Anthony won Western Conference Player of the Week in this, the year of our Lord 2019 and I am excited.

Anthony was out of the league as recently as a month ago and now he’s back averaging over 22 points in three straight wins for the Blazers! I’ve liked Anthony since he led Syracuse to a national title in 2003 which also happened to win me a bunch of money in whatever bracket pool I was in.

It’s also just cool to see a guy make a comeback and believe in himself and all that sappy stuff.

The Bucks are looking more and more like they’re the team to beat in the Eastern Conference this year. My Sixers are going to be tough, Jimmy Butler and the Heat look frisky and the Raptors, inexplicably, look really good again despite losing Kawhi Leonard. The Lakers and the Clippers are looking good out west while Luka Doncic is leading a historic Mavs offense.

Anwyay, I’m excited for the rest of the season.

Biggest weakness: I still haven’t subscribed to Disney+ but I love all of the memes about Baby Yoda.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 20th, Defense 10th, Special Teams 52nd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 1 Ohio State 56-27

Biggest strength: So, we are now into the meat of this Roast and let me just warn you...there are a lot of tweets and angry rivalry week content coming up. If that isn’t your sort of thing (and why are you even following college football if it isn’t?) then just turn back now.

Ok.

Here we go!

Michigan Men trying to fit in with the rest of the conference.

Answering questions at press conferences.

Maybe if Michigan took The Game as seriously as Jim Harbaugh takes ducking tough questions then things would be more competitive.

Justin Fields is the new guy in this rivalry too! It took him ONE TIME playing against Michigan to realize the stink to high heaven.

The TAKES that come out of the Michgain/aOsu game are always spicy but this one? This is some ghost pepper shit.

Michigan managed to score 27 points against Ohio State, which is impressive, without having a single player do anything of note. Nobody ran for 100 yards. Nobody had 100 yards receiving. Shea Patterson had as many picks as touchdowns and only completed 41.8% of his passes. The defense had no sacks and their one fumble forced was negated because Patterson also fumbled the ball away!

They are trash and shouldn’t count as a quality win for Wisconsin.

Biggest weakness: Cowardice.

This is from later in the game.

Just keep chipping away, Jimbo.

We have been talking in this column for WEEKS about how Michigan does exactly what they did on Saturday EVERY. DAMN. YEAR!

They say shit like this leading up to The Game after having won five or six or whatever games in a row and then get absolutely dropkicked into a trash compacter by Ohio State. THIS HAPPENS EVERY YEAR! About what exactly did Ohio State’s offense have to be careful, Don Brown? Tripping over the goal line? Lightbulbs on their side of the score board going out from overuse? Y’all freaking suck and will never win the B1G East as long as Jim Harbaugh is your coach.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 43rd, Offense 89th, Defense 12th, Special Teams 114th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Maryland, 19-16

Biggest strength: Some Rivalry Week games had me favoriting dozens of tweets to potentially use in this post. Others...were MSU/Maryland.

WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?!?! PROGRAM WIN?????? Even Chris Orr wouldn’t wear this free hat!

In maybe the most boring and meaningless game of the B1G season, which is saying something, the Spartans managed to back their way into bowl eligibility. Congrats! Their game winning kick couldn’t even be bothered to be at the buzzer. They won with 2:14 still left on the clock. What a clown show.

Biggest weakness: Just fire Mark Dantonio already.

I really wish the Spartans had lost to Maryland because then they’d have no choice. They’d have fired him in the locker room.

This was a Program First Down.

Brian Lewerke threw for 342 yards and two picks. God, this team is depressing. At least their preseason No. 1 basketball team hasn’t already lost three games.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 1st, Offense 4th, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 18th

Last week’s results: (W) at No. 13 Michigan, 56-27

Biggest strength: Invading the Big House.

Their basketball team IS pretty good this year. Maybe it carries over?

Justin Fields had 302 yards, four touchdowns and added another 25 yards on the ground. J.K. Dobbins was untackleable and rushed for 211 yards and four scores of his own. Chase Young didn’t record a tackle but he did have two QB hurries and was probably being blocked by no fewer than a half dozen people on each play.

Biggest weakness: I might instantly puke if this were true.

Man, Ohio State doesn’t have any weaknesses this year and I hope that the Badgers can keep it within two scores on Saturday.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No 12 Wisconsin, 7:00 p.m. CT, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 9th, Offense 18th, Defense 9th, Special Teams 7th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 27-6

Biggest strength: Penn State did absolutely nothing of interest in this snore-fest against Rutgers. We aren’t talking about them either.

My dumb dad wanted to watch the Saints/Falcons game on Thanksgiving night but thankfully I commandeered the remote and switched over to the Egg Bowl for Ole Miss’ final drive. And buddy, it was the best possible move I could have made for my family.

What a ridiculous rivalry between two teams that are almost always terrible. It’s what makes college football the best.

Biggest weakness: The Eagles is a disgrace.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 117th, Offense 121st, Defense 86th, Special Teams 65th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 10 Penn State, 27-6

Biggest strength: Well, would you look at that!

Rutgers is back baby! Greg Schiano took the Scarlet Knights to unknown heights in his first tenure with the team (in the Big East which isn’t even a real football conference anymore) and is back for more. WHAT COULD GO WRONG???????

Biggest weakness: Now this is the kind of stuff I am very much here for.

Oh. I guess that could go wrong.

Also, uh, Rutgers had more first downs, passing yards and total yards than Penn State did in this game. That’s worse than losing to Illinois. No way PSU can make the Rose Bowl with this on their resume.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 59th, Offense 87th, Defense 52nd, Special Teams 9th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Northwestern, 29-10

Biggest strength: I...I thought Illinois had a good season?

Illinois fans are still upset about their season even though they’re bowl eligible and, to be honest, I kind of get it! The Illini didn’t REALLY make that much progress this year and there is little to suggest that Lovie Smith is going to continue this upward trajectory.

Completely unrelated, the Illini got blown at home out by the second worst team in the conference on Saturday! Dele Harding had 15 tackles and that was about it for good things that the Illini did on the football field.

Biggest weakness: Oh my.

Seriously, did Illinois even know they had a game on Saturday or did they think it was like an end of the season picnic or something?

I want to fist fight the entire University of Illinois.

They had two quarterbacks combine to go 11-of-23 for 146 yards and an interception. They ended up rushing for 14 yards...all game. The only had the ball for 18:12 seconds. I will never forgive the Badgers for losing to this team.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 20th, Offense 71st, Defense 5th, Special Teams 24th

Last week’s results: (W) at Nebraska, 27-24

Biggest strength: Lead blocking. Nate Stanley is so good at escorting his teammates to the endzone he doesn’t even need to actually block anyone!

In a perfect and just world, this would be the only play that Iowa runs ever. Well, this and punting.

Iowa is somehow our most and least predictable B1G team every year.

Tyler Goodson ran for 116 yards and a score. A.J. Epenesa had 14 tackles, two sacks and five tackles for loss. Ihmir Smith-Marsette ran a kick back for 95 yards and a touchdown. Otherwise, Nebraska kinda played better than them. The Huskers had more first downs, fewer penalties and more time of possession. They also had one more passing yard than Iowa did! 100-99.

That was the passing battle in this game. Jesus.

Biggest weakness: Lmao, none! Get a load of Iowa’s kicker, who received a scholarship after the game, Keith Duncan!

I want Iowa’s kicker to win the Heisman.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 17th, Offense 8th, Defense 30th, Special Teams 93rd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 12 Wisconsin, 38-17

Biggest strength: Having good GameDay signs!

But, you know, hosting GameDay was their biggest accomplishment of the day when their team was fighting for a conference title and potential playoff berth.

Some free advice, Minnesota...don’t do something that Jim Harbaugh would applaud you for doing.

It’s true. It didn’t look THAT bad out there...I said from the couch I was sitting on...in Arizona.

Rashod Bateman and Tyler Johnson are both really good. Bateman had 147 yards and a score while Johnson added 89 and a score of his own.

Biggest weakness: We wish Amanda well on her journey.

Another side of the argument!

I AM LAUGHING MY WHOLE GOD DAMNED ENTIRE ASS OFF!

CO-CHAMPS! P.J. Fleck is the world’s greatest salesman and you cannot convince me otherwise. What an absolutely preposterous thing to say. I’m buying a Minnesota B1G West 2019 Co-Champs t-shirt, I don’t care how much it costs.

Hang it next to their co-champs banner!

Minnesota, much like Northwestern last year, was a fraud all season. They were basically Illinois with better luck. All three of their non-conference games could have (should have?) been losses and then they only beat Purdue because every good Boilermaker got hurt. Once conference play really heated up, they feasted on Illinois, Nebraska, Rutgers and Maryland...basically the four worst teams in the conference, barely beat Penn State, obviously lost to Iowa, beat a worse team than Illinois and Nebraska and then lost to Wisconsin.

In their only three games against teams with a pulse, they lost two and hung on by the skin of their teeth to win the third.

I hope that their “9-0” t-shirts got a lot of use for the one week that they were relevant and I hope the fans enjoyed their one season of relevance before returning to winning seven games next year if they’re lucky.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 52nd, Offense 42nd, Defense 61st, Special Teams 123rd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 17 Iowa, 27-24

Biggest strength: Being co-co-division champs with Wisconsin and also Minnesota.

Producing such existential dread amongst their fanbase.

Injury prevention.

Luke McCaffrey looked just electric enough in his one pass attempt (which did go for a 39-yard TD) that Huskers fans will spend all offseason turning him into last offseason’s Adrian Martinez. Remember when Martinez was going to win the Heisman this year? Let’s take a look at his stats from this year!

Passing yards: 1,956, No. 86 in the nation
Passing TDs: 10, tied for No. 97 in the nation
Interceptions: 9, tied for No. 74 in the nation
QBR: 54.8, No. 76 in the nation

Never change, Nebraska fans.

Biggest weakness: Starting off on the right foot.

Look at these freaking beauties!

Honesty.

Coaching.

This is now the third consecutive season that Nebraska will not be going bowling. This is a fanbase that LITERALLY thought they were going to win their division, conference and potentially compete for a CFP berth while being helmed by a Heisman winning QB and national coach of the year.

Instead they lost to all three other members of the Quadrangle of Hate and even lost to an old Big 8 rival at the beginning of the season for old time’s sake. This team is an absolute tire fire and it has to kill them to basically see Minnesota, a team they would never even dignify with a second look because of their history, have the season they thought they would have.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 85th, Offense 122nd, Defense 27th, Special Teams 112th

Last week’s results: (W) at Illinois, 29-10

Biggest strength: Putting it on Illinois for the fifth straight year.

Former players tweeting about rivalry games are amazing because they don’t have to worry about it being bulletin board material.

Ran all up and down Illinois damn face to the tune of 378 yards on 65 carries and three touchdowns. Only threw the ball 10 times! B1G FOOTBALL! They even missed an extra point to really cement how terrible this game, and team, was.

Biggest weakness: None this week! HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT!

This week’s opponent: BYE

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 60th, Offense 46th, Defense 81st, Special Teams 57th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Indiana, 44-41

Biggest strength: I can’t wait to watch David Bell and Rondale Moore line up next to each other next season.

I think it’s funny that Purdue lost to their biggest rival in double overtime so that their biggest rival could keep plugging along to reach their goal of #9WINDIANA.

The Boilers had three players with double digit tackles and Derrick Barnes had 2.5 sacks. Aidan O’Connell threw for over 400 yards and three touchdowns while Zander Horvath ran for 164 yards and two scores. Still not the best performance by a Zander in a Bucket game though!

Biggest weakness: Merry Christmas season y’all.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 10th, Offense 11th, Defense 14th, Special Teams 87th

Last week’s results: (W) at No. 8 Minnesota, 38-17

Biggest strength: We are so excited that Wisconsin won the B1G West because now Chris Orr has a new hat!

IT WAS! The Badgers looked so good in the second half against Minnesota. It was like watching a different team tbqh.

Look great, feel great, play great. That’s the law.

Jack Coan had a great game. Paul Chryst or Joe Rudolph called a great game. Quintez Cephus had a great game. Zack Baun had a great game. Garrett Rand had a great game. Caesar Williams had a great game. Zach Hintze had a great game. A LOT OF PEOPLE PLAYED REALLY WELL AND JONATHAN TAYLOR WASN’T EVEN ONE OF THEM!

I mean, he still scored three times and had a good game, but it wasn’t great and Minnesota kind of contained him on the ground.

Biggest weakness: Like I said at the beginning of the post, this should also be 15 yards...but FOR Wisconsin. Talking shit during rivalry week is our nation’s most important commodity.

See? Rivalry shit talking is the best! Everyone is going to be all worked up about these quotes next year and it’s going to be awesome!

Ahhhhh, doesn’t it just feel so great when order is restored?

Eat a bag of butts, Minnesota.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No 1 Ohio State, 7:00 p.m. CT, FOX