The B1G Roast: Bowl Preview

I started writing this exactly one hour before the first B1G bowl game starts. Can I publish it before Michigan State kicks off against Wake Forest? With both of my children asleep and my wife busy the odds are...kind of in my favor!

LET’S DO THIS!

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: Redbox Bowl, Santa Clara, California; Monday, Dec. 30th; 3:00 p.m. CT, FOX

Opponent: Cal State

Biggest strength: Having their team name correctly printed on the bowl t-shirt.

Biggest weakness: I think we, as Wisconsin fans, need to apologize for gassing up Lovie Smith and the Illini like this.

WHAT AN OUTRAGEOUS THING TO SAY!! He beats one ranked team and all of the sudden Illinois has “caught up” to the rest of the division? The division isn’t even that good and Illinois is STILL the worst team in it. Congratulations on catching up to Purdue this year, Lovie, you’ve really made it.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: Taxslayer Gator Bowl, Jacksonville, Florida; Thursday, Jan. 2nd; 6:00 p.m. CT, ESPN

Opponent: Tennessee

Biggest strength: The goons over at Crimson Quarry are really good at messing with people online.

They had a really fun time with #VolTwitter.

Biggest weakness: Look at these asshats.

Indiana fans won’t be troops but Tennessee fans will? I don’t really know.

Hopefully their basketball fans are better.

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl San Diego, California; Friday, Dec. 27th; 7:00 p.m. CT, FS1

Opponent: No. 22 Southern Cal

Biggest strength: I see nothing wrong with this plan. Go Hawks!

Biggest weakness: A Holiday Bowl win will really cement Kirk Ferentz’s legacy as one of the guys that has coached Iowa in football.

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: VRBO Citrus Bowl, Orlando, Florida; Wednesday, Jan. 1st; 12:00 p.m. CT, ABC

Opponent: No. 13 Alabama

Biggest strength: Are Jim Harbaugh’s khakis “world famous?” Like, if I went to Mexico and asked someone what was Michigan’s head football coach famous for...they would know the answer?

I’m a bit skeptical on how wide-reaching Harbaugh’s khakis really are, but I guess I’ve never asked someone from a foreign country about them before so what do I know?

Biggest weakness: Those of us who abstained from voting were actually cheering for a MRSA outbreak so the game had to be cancelled.

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: New Era Pinstripe Bowl, New York, New York; Friday, Dec. 27th; 2:20 p.m. CT, ESPN

Opponent: Wake Forest

Biggest strength: I just hope whoever wins the 10th annual Pinstripe Bowl wears their hat for as long as Chris Orr wore his.

Biggest weakness: If you needed a second opinion on betting this game, after taking Tyler’s advice of course, remember that MSU is so ass.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: Outback Bowl, Tampa Bay, Florida; Wednesday, Jan. 1st; 12:00 p.m. CT, ESPN

Opponent: No. 12 Auburn

Biggest strength: This poor kid’s mom is getting beat by the rest of her family’s alma maters and if Minnesota wins the Outback Bowl that’s a clean sweep!

Biggest weakness: P.J. Fleck has to shuffle his staff around since his offensive coordinator just jumped ship to Penn State. LMAO.

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: PlayStation Fiesta Bowl (CFP Semifinal), Glendale, Arizona; Saturday, Dec. 28th; 7:00 p.m. CT ESPN

Opponent: No. 3 Clemson

Biggest strength: J.K. Dobbins isn’t the best running back in the B1G nor is he the smartest running back in the B1G (spoiler: both of those guys are Jonathan Taylor) but at least he is trying to teach his teammates the plural of cactus.

Biggest weakness: Ok...maybe Dobbins isn’t as smart as we thought.

On what planet is Ohio State the “most disrespected” team in the nation? Do the players just get brainwashed by the coaches to believe these things? Has Dobbins not watched a minute of sports television this season? I have a lot of questions and unfortunately very few answers.

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic, Arlington, Texas; Saturday, Dec. 28th; 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN

Opponent: No. 17 Memphis

Biggest strength: THESE ARE AMAZING! MAKE ONE THAT IS A BADGER NEXT!

Biggest weakness: Who is going to beat Penn State in the Cotton Bowl?

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 10th, Defense 15th, Special Teams 87th

Bowl game: Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual, Pasadena, California; Wednesday, Jan. 1st; 4:00 p.m. CT, ESPN

Opponent: No. 6 Oregon

Biggest strength: Let’s try and win one of these, huh? For Barry?

Biggest weakness: Why doesn’t Paul Chryst get to stand next to Mickey? UNFAIR BIAS!