The B1G Roast: Nebraska is ba...d, they’ll never be back

Sorry for the lack of Roast last week. This post takes an exorbitant amount of time to put together and somehow the hours got away from me. I don’t want to blame it all on 9/11, but it certainly didn’t help.

Anyways, everyone was on a bye last week so there is a lot of nonsense below. Let’s get to it!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 21st, Offense 16th, Defense 36th, Special Teams 8th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Northwestern, 34-3

Biggest strength: RIP #9WINDIANA.

Even in Indiana’s best season of the rememberable past they still get screwed over with shit like this. If you’re ever feeling fatalistic about Wisconsin football, just imagine being an IU fan.

Biggest weakness: These two are...not both Trevor Lawrence? I’m confused.

No, that is the same person. I’m positive.

Stevie Scott III had 116 rushing yards and two scores and also caught one pass for 20 yards and a score. They recovered three fumbles and dismantled a historically awful Northwestern offense.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 63rd, Offense 65th, Defense 61st, Special Teams 129th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 14 Michigan, 38-7

Biggest strength: You don’t see many kickoffs returned for touchdowns anymore, especially against Zach Hintze, so this is pretty cool.

The play above by Javon Leake was the only good play Maryland made all game. However, did you know that the reason Maryland has two punters is because they punt with opposite feet and they are used situationally...like baseball relievers!

That’s the B1Gest shit I can think of! WELCOME ABOARD, MARYLAND!

Biggest weakness: Get it together Locksley!

Either Locksley is going to have to change the DMV recruiting around into an asset for the Terps or they’re just going to have to play Texas six times a year to get to bowl eligibility.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 1 Ohio State, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 11th, Offense 46th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 69th (NICE)

Last week’s results: (W) at Maryland, 38-7

Biggest strength: Being so, so, so, so, so very hateable.

Josh Uche had two sacks, Giles Jackson matched Maryland with a 97-yard kickoff return for a TD of his own and Josh Metellus had nine tackles and a pick.

Michigan’s offense was...ok? They only gained 331 yards and lost the time of possession battle but still blew the doors off Maryland so...who cares I guess?

Biggest weakness: Getting themselves gassed up before being roadkill on Ohio State’s march to the CFP.

I can not WAIT for Wolverines to be chirping before The Game and then lose by 40. It is going to be amazing.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 29th, Offense 88th, Defense 11th, Special Teams 114th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Most times living in Minnesota is great. It is a wonderful state with many wonderful people and I like it a lot.

Other times it makes me want to set fire to every inch of it until it is a smoldering crater.

Currently feeling more like the latter than the former.

Biggest weakness: I feel personally and violently attacked by this tweet.

My daughters are equally as impressed as my wife.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 1st, Offense 5th, Defense 1st, Special Teams 14th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Y’all remember Carl Monday?

Baker Mayfield looks like the guy Carl Monday was interviews. #DeadspinForever

Biggest weakness: I don’t know if you ever read Deadspin, but I used to read it a lot. It was one of my favorite websites and I am sad that it’s gone. I don’t need to give it another eulogy as many others have done that already but I think it’s important to note that B5Q’s Tall Adult Son Curt Hogg was once featured prominently there.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 14th, Defense 6th, Special Teams 18th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Basically every team worth a damn had a bye in the Big Ten last week so let’s talk about the NBA! Joel Embiid and Karl-Anthony Towns got into a fight when the Sixers met the Wolves. It was my favorite team’s best player vs. my current city’s best player. A real Drew Hamm Bowl if ever there was one.

The fight was...fine, I guess. All NBA fights after Malice at the Palace suck, but Mike Scott’s reactions to the fight decidedly do NOT suck.

This is the same Mike Scott that got into a fight with an Eagles fan in Philly (he’s from DC and was at the Eagles/Skins game) in the parking lot before the game. He is a hero and I will protect him with my life. 97% of Eagles fans should get punched by a big professional athlete, present company included.

It’s funny because KAT is an Eagles fan.

Biggest weakness: It was 723 for Gritty and one for the fat guy with the Phanatic tattoo that was at the Eagles/Packers game. Although he may already hold public office.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 17 Minnesota, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 107th, Offense 105th, Defense 83rd, Special Teams 64th

Last week’s results: (L) at Illinois, 38-10

Biggest strength: When you cover Rutgers football for a living.

RUTGERS SCORED AN DOUBLE DIGITS POINTS AGAINST A B1G TEAM! They hadn’t done since the last game of last season when they also scored 10 points, but against Michigan State. Greg Schiano is probably coming back any day now and then everything will be fine. Lmao.

Biggest weakness: Why are they clapping at each other?

Football fights are just as stupid as basketball fights. Everyone is wearing pads and a helmet! Don’t throw punches, you idiots! At least Illinois and Rutgers just sort of clap danced at each other.

They ran the ball 51 times for 185 yards (3.6 ypc) and turned the ball over three times.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 57th, Offense 67th, Defense 51st, Special Teams 6th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 38-10

Biggest strength: Clowning Northwestern.

Somehow managed to have 10 different dudes have a rushing attempt. Dele Harding had 12 tackles and a pick six.

Biggest weakness: I am currently convinced that Rutgers/Illinois is the most heated rivalry in the B1G.

Only had one more first down than Rutgers did. Otherwise, did what they were supposed to do against Rutgers to keep their division title hopes alive.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Michigan State, 2:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 22nd, Offense 70th, Defense 7th, Special Teams 26th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: The President is going to the Alabama/LSU game and the University of Alabama has said that students who protest may lose their reserved seating.

If I know anything about college students it is that they love being told not to do something and definitely don’t ever do that very thing they were told not to do out of youthful spite. Definitely.

Biggest weakness: Eat it, Nebraska.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 13 Wisconsin, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 10th, Offense 8th, Defense 22nd, Special Teams 91st

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Gotta lock up the coach who has never beaten a ranked team in his career outside of No. 24 Toledo in 2015 before, possibly, his most prominent national embarrassment. Just gotta do it.

Biggest weakness: Apropos of nothing. Just wanted to link to a tweet here.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 4 Penn State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 50th, Offense 49th, Defense 65th, Special Teams 123rd

Last week’s results: (L) at Purdue, 31-27

Biggest strength: Somebody find me the “well, we’re waiting” GIF to put here!

If Nebraska doesn’t start this man at RB for the rest of the season, what’s even the point of being a terrible team in a stupid sport? DO SOMETHING CRAZY!

Biggest weakness: DON’T JUST STAND THERE GET THAT MAN A DOCTOR!

Poor guy.

Adrian Martinez looked off. I don’t really know how to describe it but he didn’t look right. He still ran for two scores though, so good for him! Nebraska’s defense couldn’t stop a blind man from getting into the end zone.

JD Spielman had six catches for 123 yards.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 94th, Offense 126th, Defense 21st, Special Teams 95th

Last week’s results: (L) at Indiana, 34-3

Biggest strength: Giving the FS1 graphics team A LOT of work.

Oh, well if we are gambling...then Pat Fitzgerald has been gambling that I won’t dropkick him in the neck if he answers another press conference question with some rant about cell phones.

Biggest weakness: Offense. Mick McCall. All of it.

Lost three fumbles. Threw the ball 31 times for 112 yards. Ran the ball 28 times for 87 yards.

PUUUKE.

Blake Gallagher had 11 tackles (two for loss) and doesn’t deserve this.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 55th, Offense 52nd, Defense 70th, Special Teams 66th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Nebraska, 31-27

Biggest strength: Purdue sucks, but Nebraska sucks WAAAAAAAY worse.

Jack Plummer threw for 242 yards and two scores (and two picks) and ran for 61 more before getting hurt and then Aidan O’Connell came in and led a game winning drive to beat Nebraska. O’Connell is basically your flag football team’s QB and he’s out here beating the Huskers. You do, in fact, love to see it.

Biggest weakness: Hospitality. These poor lads didn’t even remember shirts and then you go and beat their football team with your ninth string QB?!? How dare you?

ADVANCED STATURDAY PURDUE/NORTHWESTERN EDITION:

Not much, even though Nebraska probably should have put them away in the first half. They didn’t, so Purdue has no weaknesses. Well done, Boilers!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Northwestern, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 8th, Offense 27th, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 87th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Hopefully working on new end of game clock plays for the basketball team.

Biggest weakness: Shouts to Alex Hornibrook.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 18 Iowa, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX