Last year a writer on this very website, I won’t say who but his name rhymes with my name, wrote an excellent, yet hubris-filled, post that was well-received by the Pulitzer committee but turned out to actually be false.
It is time he (read: I) apologizes. I am sorry, Minnesota.
I am sorry for making fun of your stupid, buck-toothed, head-spinning mascot. I am sorry that your coach is a philandering, try hard, wannabe monorail salesman. I am sorry that you win your biggest rivalry game once in 15 years and then feel entitled to chat even the tiniest amount of shit. I’d say act like you’ve been there before, but, well...
I am sorry that you can’t beat Iowa despite hating them so much. I am sorry that there was merchandise celebrating the Gophers going 9-0 even though there were still THREE GAMES LEFT IN THE SEASON and then you lost your next game. I am sorry that your state, while called the land of 10,000 lakes, has fewer lakes than Wisconsin.
I am sorry that it has been so long since the Badgers have had to worry about this game that it is taking some time to gin up enough hate to properly fill this apology post. I am sorry that your head coach calls your quarterback the “distributor of culture.” Good God that is vomit-inducing. I am sorry that your school’s motto is now “Row The Boat” and I’m doubly sorry for the marketing people that will have to scrub all of that once Fleck leaves for a better job.
I am sorry that even in your best season in decades you are still not favored to beat Wisconsin in your own home stadium. I am sorry that you couldn’t get into Wisconsin and therefore have to spend the rest of your days sniping at the better school. I am sorry for everything about the University of Minnesota being inferior to the University of Wisconsin.
Hopefully the football gods accept my genuine and heartfelt apology and rightfully reward the Badgers on Saturday.