The B1G Roast: Maryland and Rutgers are in the B1G...uff da

I have been in Arizona all week with my family for Thanksgiving and let me tell you what: traveling from Minnesota to Arizona with two children under three was just as horrific as I thought it would be. At least the baby didn’t cry the entire flight!

Anyways, happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoy time with loved ones and only read this once your one uncle starts talking about how his high school team would have made state if only coach had put him in.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 22nd, Offense 15th, Defense 40th, Special Teams 22nd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 13 Michigan, 39-14

Biggest strength: Well, can they?

The #9WINDIANA dream is on very thin ice. The Hoosiers have to beat Purdue and then win their bowl game, and who knows who they’ll be playing in that game! Not a whole lot went right for IU last Saturday, but Micah McFadden had six tackles and an interception.

Biggest weakness: Everyone knows that Indiana wins the SEC East more often than Tennessee does.

A bunch of the Banner Society crew made it to Bloomington for the game and all these soft Southerners did was complain about how “cold” and “rainy” and “cold and rainy” it was. This is just what November is like here! COME TO MINNEAPOLIS FOR GAMEDAY AND AXE WEEK, COWARDS!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 88th, Offense 73rd, Defense 82nd, Special Teams 127th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Nebraska, 54-7

Biggest strength: Freeing up everyone’s Saturdays!

Jesus Christ! Maryland didn’t even score until there were only three minutes left in the game and they were already down 54-0!! Did they even play the first 57 minutes of the game? In an impressive feat, they had seven different players catch a pass. I mean that quite literally. Seven dudes. Each dude caught one pass. The longest went for 12 yards! Congratulations to Brian Cobbs and Dontay Demus, Jr. for tying for this honor.

Biggest weakness: Hold up. MARYLAND IS IN THE BIG TEN!?!?

The Terps should move to the Big XII so they can play Texas every year.

When do Maryland and Rutgers have to show some improvement in football (because, sadly, that’s the only sport that matters when discussing this topic) before the B1G considers kicking them out of the conference? Does it ever happen? These two teams are embarrassing to have associated with the B1G.

Javon Leake may have had a 58 yard touchdown run but he also lost three (!!!) fumbles. As a team, they went 7-for-21 passing the ball for 57 yards. No interceptions though!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Michigan State, 2:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 10th, Offense 26th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 52nd

Last week’s results: (W) at Indiana, 39-14

Biggest strength: Every year these articles come out. EVERY YEAR! They should just copy and paste them.

Everything is rounding into form for The Game this weekend. Michigan has recovered from its early season struggles, and even beaten a pretty good Notre Dame team along the way, and now they are being gassed up before their annual loss to Ohio State.

Will they lose by a lot or will it be a close loss filled with controversy? I, for one, can not WAIT to find out.

Biggest weakness: If Michigan fans think the threat of going to jail is going to stop Ohio State fans from doing something, well, the Wolverines are dumber than I thought.

Daxton Hill led the team in tackles with eight and also had a pick. Shea Patterson had a monster game throwing the ball: 366 yards and five touchdowns is not very B1G of you, Shea. Unless you were playing for Purdue, I suppose.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 1 Ohio State, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 40th, Offense 86th, Defense 12th, Special Teams 114th

Last week’s results: (W) at Rutgers, 27-0

Biggest strength: Good comebacks.

After reviewing some box scores I feel safe in saying that Michigan State is better than Ohio State because the Spartans shutout the Scarlet Knights, unlike the Buckeyes who, as far as I can tell, gave up all the points that Rutgers has scored this year.

Cody White caught 11 passes for 136 yards and three touchdowns. Since they were playing Rutgers though...you legally have to cut those stats in half for his season total.

Biggest weakness: I can never find enough interesting stuff for the Michigan State section of this post, especially when they play Rutgers, so let’s talk about Ned.

The Miami/FIU Brawl of 2006 was notable, not because it was a brawl in a 35-0 beatdown by Miami, but because of noble warrior A’mod Ned hobbling into the fray on his crutches to defend his teammates and school’s honor.

FIU beating Miami 30-24 this past Saturday is the ultimate Revenge of Ned. God bless you, Ned. God bless you, FIU.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 2:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 1st, Offense 5th, Defense 1st, Special Teams 18th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 8 Penn State, 28-17

Biggest strength: The NCAA deprived us of so many sacks.

Threat, neutralized.

This also works!

This is the only thing that would work. Chase Young had three sacks, four tackles for loss and nine overall stops. He’s amazing. J.K. Dobbins had 157 yards and two touchdowns on the ground and Justin Fields added two more scores through the air.

Biggest weakness: As always, this blog is Team #FactsOnly.

Rutgers is Ohio State’s biggest weakness.

Hey, do you never want to sleep again? Here ya go!

The Buckeyes fumbled the ball an awful lot against the Nittany Lions and only won by 11, which probably furthered Michigan’s belief that they can beat Ohio State. This is all going according to plan.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 13 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 16th, Defense 10th, Special Teams 7th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 2 Ohio State, 28-17

Biggest strength: This describes exactly how I feel before big games.

The defense was pretty great. Yetur Gross-Matos had two sacks and nine tackles and Garrett Taylor led the teams with 13 total tackles. As a team, they recovered three fumbles.

Biggest weakness: I hate James Franklin so much.

Really. He’s the worst coach in the world.

The fact that Penn State wins any games with James Franklin as their coach will be one of history’s greatest mysteries.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 117th, Offense 119th, Defense 87th, Special Teams 65th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Michigan State, 27-0

Biggest strength: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rutgers had 140 total yards of offense. They went 0-for-11 on third down. They had seven penalties for 84 yards. The had the ball for a scant 22:09.

Biggest weakness: It...didn’t work.

This coaching search is a real mess, even by Rutgersian standards of making a mess of things.

As of more recently, apparently Schiano to Rutgers may actually be kind of back on? No one knows and, quite frankly, no one can look away until this train wreck comes to a stop.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 10 Penn State, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 56th, Offense 80th, Defense 49th, Special Teams 9th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 17 Iowa, 19-10

Biggest strength: Is Desmond Howard some sort of warlock?

They held the offensive juggernaut Hawkeyes to only 19 points and Dele Harding had a dozen tackles, including 1.5 for loss. Sydney Brown had six tackles and a pick. The offense was...not great.

Biggest weakness: Illinois’ chances of winning the B1G West after playing a game in Kinnick.

Brandon Peters completed just over half of his passes and it would be even higher when you include the two interceptions he threw! Hopefully Illinois was looking ahead to the HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT HAT and just got distracted.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11:00 a.m. CST, FS1

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 21st, Offense 63rd, Defense 8th, Special Teams 24th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Illinois, 19-10

Biggest strength: Loving thy neighbor.

Nate Stanley also completed just over half of his passes and it would be even higher if you include his interception. He did throw for 308 yards too. Kristian Welch had 12 tackles and a sack and Ihmir Smith-Marsette had four catches for 121 yards.

Also, why is it crime to mow your neighbor’s lawn?!? I don’t care how many beers you’ve had, you can mow my lawn whenever you’d like!

Biggest weakness: GAHHH!

Iowa ran the ball 32 times for 79 yards. They probably should have put in this Punisher looking freak show in the stands. He looks like he can move the pile pretty well.

This week’s opponent: Friday at Nebraska, 1:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 14th, Offense 8th, Defense 25th, Special Teams 93rd

Last week’s results: (W) at Northwestern, 38-22

Biggest strength: Picking winners.

Memes. Honestly, the Minnesota social media team has been really good this year.

Tanner Morgan tossed four touchdowns, three of them to Rashod Bateman, and the Gophers finally put the Wildcats away. Antoine Winfield, Jr. had 11 tackles and a sack and the team went 9-of-11 on third down.

Biggest weakness: Yeah, who would give up a bunch of points to Northwestern?

The Gophers defense went on the give up another touchdown after this tweet so I’m pretty sure Jonathan Taylor will score 100 touchdowns by himself this Saturday.

The Gophers only had three players catch a pass. If I’m Jim Leonhard I’m going to focus on Bateman, Tyler Johnson and Chris Autman-Bell. Someone should tell Leonhard about this strategy.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 12 Wisconsin, 2:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 52nd, Offense 41st, Defense 55th, Special Teams 123rd

Last week’s results: (W) at Maryland, 54-7

Biggest strength: Practicing what they preach.

The Huskers stomped the Terps by a million and no one even had that impressive of a stat line. J.D. Spielman had seven catches for 104 yards and two touchdowns and that’s about it. No one rushed for over 100 yards. Adrian Martinez didn’t throw for over 200 yards. Nebraska just whupped Maryland and didn’t even expend any energy doing it.

Nebraska might not even be bowl eligible this year and they beat Maryland by only turning it up to, like, six, forget about turning it all the way to 11.

Biggest weakness: I rarely/never feel bad for Huskers fans, but traveling all the way to Maryland to watch football seems like a really mean thing to do.

At least they got to see a win, which is not something that happens very often in Lincoln.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. No. 17 Iowa, 1:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 91st, Offense 122nd, Defense 30th, Special Teams 112th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 10 Minnesota, 38-22

Biggest strength: Offensive coordinating the grill.

Hold on. Are you saying that Northwestern’s offensive coaches are...bad??????

You should want to pay college football players for the sole purpose of Northwestern defensive players being compensated for having to put up with Northwestern’s offensive coaches.

Third string QB Andrew Marty threw one touchdown and ran for two more and maybe the NU OFFENSE IS BACK!?!?

Biggest weakness: PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONES!

AND PUT DOWN YOUR BOOKS AND RUBIK’S CUBES!!!!

Watching a Northwestern football game is the last thing on my “list of things to do.” I would rather listen to my parents list of all the ways I’ve disappointed them in high school at Thanksgiving dinner than watch NU play football. Lucky for me, that’ll probably happen!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 11:00 a.m. CST, FS1

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 62nd, Offense 54th, Defense 79th, Special Teams 57th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 12 Wisconsin, 45-24

Biggest strength: Thank you for your service, Purdue Pete.

Aidan O’Connell threw for 289 yards and two touchdowns. David Bell had 12 catches for 108 yards and Brycen Hopkins had eight catches for 127 yards and two scores. Bell and Rondale Moore are going to form quite the duo at wideout for Purdue next year.

Biggest weakness: The Jets are good again.

This is a way more important story than anything I could write about Purdue. Sam Darnold got wasted and “hooked up with a girl” after the Jets won last weekend.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 12th, Offense 11th, Defense 14th, Special Teams 87th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Purdue, 45-24

Biggest strength: 62-yard field goals.

Teamwork.

Jack Coan was 15-for-19 for 203 yards and two scores and still somehow I thought he had a bad game. Maybe ever Wisconsin fan just hates all quarterbacks? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just an idiot? I do know that.

Jonathan Taylor had 222 yards and a score, his third straight game rushing for over 200 yards. As a team, the Badgers ran for 403 yards. Eric Burrell had a pick. Chris Orr led the team in tackles with nine.

Biggest weakness: Fumbles and tackling. Those were two pretty big weaknesses. Whatever though...it’s Axe Week.

As always, listen to Chris Orr, folks.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at. No. 8 Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, ABC