The B1G Roast: hopefully on Saturday you watched volleyball instead

Apropos of nothing, I think you should all watch this funny video.

Now, let’s get done to roasting this terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad conference.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 28th, Offense 27th, Defense 39th, Special Teams 21st

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: It is October now and it is time, as always, to reignite The Great Candy Corn Debate! I, a smart and successful and smart man, enjoy candy corn and will always eat it. Especially if it’s mixed together with peanuts in a bowl. That is the good stuff right there. If you do not like candy corn, maybe you should just skip ahead to November and wait for the rest of us.

Biggest weakness: Watching B1G football should be one of those jobs that qualifies for a grant from the government for studying dangerous and stupid things. Do they give those out? They should.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 36th, Offense 51st, Defense 34th, Special Teams 124th

Last week’s results: (W) at Rutgers, 48-7

Biggest strength: Maryland recorded three plays of 80+ yards against Rutgers. Despite the caveat that it was “against Rutgers” this is pretty cool! Big plays rule! Here is a ref blocking a potential big play. Like, what if Rutgers was going to fumble this punt and then Maryland returned it for a touchdown?!? WHAT THEN!?!?

B1G Special Teams Player of the Week Javon Leake had a 100-yard kickoff return for a TD and rushed the ball five times for 65 yards and two scores. LB Ayinde Eley had 12 tackles.

Biggest weakness: ATTN: new B1G teams from the East Coast. Please stop punching your teammates after scoring touchdowns. It is weirding the rest of us out.

QB Josh Jackson’s injury is something to be concerned about for the Terps, but playing Purdue on Saturday shouldn’t be something to be concerned about so Jackson should probably just rest up.

Only picked off Rutgers twice. Probably should’ve been more interceptions tbqh.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 17th, Offense 66th, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 37th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 14 Iowa, 10-3

Biggest strength: I want to watch a stream of Spencer and co. listening to the Michigan radio call of all Wolverines games.

If your school doesn’t have a t-shirt cannon like this, you are FCS to me.

This game was downright BRUTAL to watch. The Wolverines only had 267 total yards of offense and that was more than Iowa! Shea Patterson was a miserable 14-for-26 for 147 yards, zero TDs and one pick. Zach Charbonnet ran the ball 13 times for 42 yards and the lone touchdown of the game for either team.

The defense, however...the defense was good, friend. Michigan sacked Nate Stanley eight times, with Kwity Paye notching 2.5 sacks, Jordan Glasgow adding two of his own and Cameron McGrone getting to Stanley 1.5 times. They also forced Stanley into three interceptions and recovered a fumble.

OH! THEY ALSO HELD IOWA TO ONE MEASLY YARD OF RUSHING FOR THE ENTIRE DAMN GAME! WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I suppose Stanley rushing the ball eight times for -65 yards will do that to you.

Biggest weakness: Knowledge of major offensive statistical categories, like points.

You ever watch the old Chappelle Show “black white supremacist” sketch? I can never see Condoleezza Rice’s name without adding “sounds like a Mexican dish” and then chuckling to myself. Man, Chappelle Show was appointment viewing my freshman year of college. Crazy that it was only five years ago!

Hmm, yes, good point.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 18th, Offense 56th, Defense 6th, Special Teams 75th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 4 Ohio State, 34-10

Biggest strength: You will be shocked to learn that this stratagem didn’t work for MSU’s offense.

This game started off just as Michigan State wanted it to, but alas, it was not meant to be for the Spartans.

My father-in-law was down in Iowa hunting over the weekend and he texted me and my brother-in-law to ask us what good games were on Saturday night for when he and his buddies got back to their hunting shack. We, uh, we didn’t have a good answer for him.

LB Joe Bachie had another monster game. He had 11 tackles, three for loss and two sacks. CB Josiah Scott had 12 tackles and a pick! The MSU defense always comes to play, but it’s probably a bad thing if a CB is leading your team in tackles.

Biggest weakness: Just being associated with this team makes people pity you. Take, for example, The Athletic’s MSU beat writer:

QB Brian Lewerke barely completed half of his 38 passes. He threw one pick to his one touchdown and he gained negative four yards on eight carries. Oh, he also lost a fumble. Probably not a game to put on the ol’ highlight reel.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 8 Wisconsin, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 5th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 38th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 25 Michigan State, 34-10

Biggest strength: Are Ohio State fans bored with the rest of us?

J.K. Dobbins had 172 yards and a score on the ground. Safety Jordan Fuller led the team in tackles with seven and also picked off Lewerke.

Biggest weakness: QB Justin Fields had his worst game as a Buckeye. He still threw for 206 yards and two touchdowns while running for 61 yards and one more score but he threw an interception (his first of the season) AND lost a fumble. So, yeah. Ohio State is in MAJOR TROUBLE NOW!

WHAT DID YOU MONSTERS DO TO BRUTUS!?!?!

Smooth as silk down there, baby.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 10th, Defense 16th, Special Teams 32nd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Purdue, 35-7

Biggest strength: So, you may have seen this letter, that Jonathan Sutherland, a Penn State player, received from a fan, posted on Twitter over the last 24 hours. It is a pretty inappropriate and racist letter to send to anyone, let alone someone much younger than you whom you don’t even know! What may be surprising to you...wait, scratch that. What definitely isn’t surprising to you is that this guy, David Petersen, has sent MULTIPLE awful letters.

I was all ready to tear Penn State apart for their awful fan base, which, as a Pennsylvanian let me tell you, it is truly awful, but every fan base has these types of troglodytes in their ranks. Wisconsin certainly has plenty, and I don’t think they represent the majority of Badger fans. This Dave Petersen is a magnificent asshole, but we shouldn’t paint with a broad brush here. Some PSU fans are only average assholes.

Biggest weakness: I can never decide if I think these old-school, numbers on the helmets deals are cool or not. I think...yes. They are cool, but I’m willing to listen to counter-arguments.

Sean Clifford threw for 264 yards and three touchdowns (plus one more on the ground) and Noah Cain ran for 105 yards on only 12 carries and a score. Shaka Toney had three sacks and Yetur Gross-Matos had two and the team as a whole totaled 10. Long day back there for whatever schlub Purdue had at QB.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 17 Iowa, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 98th, Offense 106th, Defense 70th, Special Teams 60th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Maryland, 48-7

Biggest strength: Reading the writing on the wall.

Players are jumping ship at Rutgers like guests on a mega-yacht during water sports time. Sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Below Deck recently. Just trust me, these people LOVE to jump off the boat and swim around. Back to Rutgers!

Raheem Blackshear was the second prominent offensive player, following QB Artur Sitkowski, to announce plans to redshirt this year to save a season of eligibility for their inevitable transfer to a different, competent school.

Maybe do more of this and kids won’t transfer so readily?

Biggest weakness: Special teams. And I’m aware this is the pot calling the kettle black, but LOFREAKINGL at doinking at 38-yard field goal off the crossbar.

The Scarlet Knights couldn’t stop anything that Maryland tried to do. They gave up 200 yards on the ground and 290 through the air and also gave up a 100-yard kickoff return for a touchdown. Punter Adam Korsak averaged 44.5 yards per punt. I guess that’s pretty good!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 71st, Offense 54th, Defense 82nd, Special Teams 4th

Last week’s results: (L) at Minnesota, 40-17

Biggest strength: The national media is definitely plugged into Illini football.

Everybody knows!

At least there is tangible and visible progress for the program.

For the entire first quarter, and some of the second, the Illini looked like they were going to hang with the Gophers. Then, after halftime where presumably adjustments were made, they were outscored 24-7 in the second half. QB Brandon Peters got hurt, but wasn’t playing well before the injury and Lovie Smith is now 11-29 as the Illini coach.

Where do they go from here?

Biggest weakness: I think they should maybe come up with a better slogan, but what do I know? I’m just the guy who shouts “RUN THE DANG BALL” at my tv before every Wisconsin play.

Being horny on main during the game.

Maybe we...maybe we just let Illinois take next season off to figure out some personal stuff?

Illinois has now allowed over 300 yards rushing for two straight games. That does not bode well for the rest of their season. Both of Illinois touchdowns came from their defense, btw, so I don’t even know what to say about their offense.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 16 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, ABC

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 21st, Offense 55th, Defense 9th, Special Teams 27th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 19 Michigan, 10-3

Biggest strength: You think Kirk Ferentz’s #Punt4Lyfe tattoo means he isn’t going to PUNT 4 LYFE?!?!? You idiot, you absolute buffoon.

Check it.

I really love sports. Look at this stupid drive summary! LOOK AT IT!

Biggest weakness: Succession plans.

Big Ten quarterback development at work!

Iowa scored three points against Michigan. Three. Nate Stanley had that many interceptions. Their field goal wasn’t even that impressive, it was from 22 yards away! Maybe go for it next time, Ferentz?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 10 Penn State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 26th, Offense 14th, Defense 46th, Special Teams 68th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Illinois, 40-17

Biggest strength: The Big Ten is quite the conference.

Rodney Smith rushed for 211 yards and Shannon Brooks ran for 111. They both scored a touchdown and are probably wishing they could play Illinois every week for the rest of the year.

God dammit, AP Poll.

Biggest weakness: The only difference is, I think Rob Corddry is good at his job and I’m happy when he shows up in things.

Tanner Morgan came back to earth with a 9-for-17, 155 yards and a pick six performance. He did throw three touchdowns to his own team as well, but it was the rushing game that carried the day for the Gophers against Illinois.

Welp! That went well for the Twins!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Nebraska, 6:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 34th, Defense 52nd, Special Teams 126th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Northwestern, 13-10

Biggest strength: They sure did, Huskers.

Playing Northwestern is bad for your health. The AP game report notes: The Huskers are 5-4 against Northwestern since joining the Big Ten in 2011, and a total of 24 points separates the teams over the nine games.

Biggest weakness: Look, I like to make fun of Nebraska because it’s easy and they definitely deserve it and celebrating like this after beating Northwestern by a field goal is hilarious if the Huskers are the program that their most vocal supporters think they are BUT...this was a cool moment for the kicker, Lane McCallum.

He is a walk-on transfer safety from Nebraska who had to take the kick because the starter was hurt. Good for him! Sports are good sometimes!

Adrian Martinez got hurt, but isn’t expected to miss too much time. He, like the rest of his offensive teammates, wasn’t have a very good game against Northwestern. Wan’dale Robinson had 123 yards receiving on seven catches, which clearly made him the standout performer.

Mo Barry had eight tackles (one for loss) and so did Collin Miller.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 6:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 70th, Offense 125th, Defense 8th, Special Teams 97th

Last week’s results: (L) at Nebraska, 13-10

Biggest strength: I like when people get what is coming to them.

Couldn’t happen to a more reasonable dude imo!

Paddy Fisher had 10 tackles (one for loss) and WR Riley Lees returned one kick for 50 yards.

Biggest weakness: First play jitters. Did Pat Fitzgerald attend a special Andy Reid Clock Management Seminar in the offseason?

This is pretty historic. In fact, Northwestern’s offense is basically the opposite of Patrick Mahomes.

Northwestern should be on a permanent bye week.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 72nd, Offense 23rd, Defense 108th, Special Teams 52nd

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 12 Penn State, 35-7

Biggest strength: MOON HELMETS!

Biggest weakness: Yikes.

To be fair to Purdue, they ended up gaining -19 yards rushing for the whole game so things...didn’t really get better. The Boilers did, however, recover more fumbles than they lost!

LB Jaylan Alexander had 10 tackles (three for loss) and the team punted so many times (12) they needed two punters to finish the game.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 6th, Offense 16th, Defense 4th, Special Teams 123rd

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Kent State, 48-0

Biggest strength: Jonathan Taylor’s mouthguard game.

I hope he has a different one for each game and then auctions them off to raise money so that Illinois can restart their football program. It is always nice to help those less fortunate than yourself.

Biggest weakness: Kent State’s defensive players’ souls. Taylor has all of them now. He’s basically Katana from The Outsiders, or that terrible Suicide Squad movie that I own.

The Badgers only weakness is special teams (minus kickoffs) and I really, really, really, really hope that it doesn’t come back to bite them in the ass against Michigan State in what will, presumably be a close game.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Michigan State, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN