The B1G Roast: the Roast spares no team

This was not a nice weekend of college football. The Badgers suffered the worst loss of the season by any team and it’ll probably stay that way until Rutgers scores double digits against someone. That’ll then take the mantle of worse loss regardless of by how many points the other team beats Rutgers.

You know what was nice, though?

Also, Joe Burrow’s cheeks were all over national tv on Saturday. More like the Heinesman Trophy, amirite?

Can I just say that while you should never tweet at recruits you should also NEVER email a collegiate athlete after what was probably the worst night of their life and tell them they suck. I hope this Michigan fan has a life of lingering sadness because he did this.

We should only roast that kid, but there’s plenty more to go around this week in the B1G.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 22nd, Offense 17th, Defense 41st, Special Teams 17th

Last week’s results: (W) at Maryland, 34-28

Biggest strength: Clapping cheeks.

The Hoosiers offense WAS clapping cheeks, it was the defense that was having issues keeping Maryland out of the end zone, until the fourth quarter. Stevie Scott III ran for 108 yards and two touchdowns and Peyton Ramsey came on in relief for Michael Penix Jr., aka Mr. Glass, and went 20-for-27 for 193 yards and a score.

The offense gained 520 yards total. That’s good!

Biggest weakness: Nice.

Penix is a massive talent and I’m excited to see him grow at Indiana, but he might actually be made out of something more breakable than glass because this dude is always hurt. Also, his name sounds like an extreme penis and I am definitely here for that.

11 penalties for over 100 yards isn’t good and 5-of-13 on third down could be better, but this was a pretty good game for IU.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 47th, Offense 51st, Defense 58th, Special Teams 127th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Indiana, 34-28

Biggest strength: Getting their revenge in futbol. #Excellence

Javon Leake rushed for two touchdowns and amassed a career-high 158 yards on 23 carries for the Terps but he also fumbled the ball away once which lead to Indiana’s last score. Chance Campbell had 10 takcles.

The Terps have forced a turnover in 19 straight games.

Biggest weakness: It, uh, it really shouldn’t be happening in basketball either, my man.

Last B1G National Championship coming at the expense of a B1G team is very B1G.

Keep in mind that basketball season is right around the corner! We have a lot more coverage coming here at B5Q, but if you want a sneak peek at the other B1G teams, a lot of our SB Nation cousins are doing season preview stuff now.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 17 Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, ESPN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 14th, Offense 52nd, Defense 4th, Special Teams 66th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 7 Penn State, 28-21

Biggest strength: White outs.

Bold proclamations.

Look, we make fun of Michigan a lot around these ::gesticulates wildly at entire internet:: parts, but they made an admirable comeback attempt in a hostile environment and, I mean, they still lost but uhhhh, yeah. Good try?

Zach Charbonnet ran for 81 yards and two touchdowns. Kwity Paye had 10 tackles. Held PSU to 101 rushing yards and 283 total yards.

Biggest weakness: If you’re in the Big Ten you SHOULD ALWAYS PUNT!

Just got roasted up and down the timeline on Saturday, catching strays during other games, it was awful.

They had to take a timeout before they even snapped the ball once. Shea Patterson didn’t have a very god game, but then again...he isn’t a very good quarterback. He did rush for a touchdown, though.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 8 Notre Dame, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 28th, Offense 72nd, Defense 11th, Special Teams 80th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: My older daughter has made the move to her “big girl bed” and buddy, there have been PROBLEMS. First of all, she’s now free to get into and out of her bed WHENEVER SHE WANTS! So, bedtime has now turned into a multi-hour extravaganza of doors opening and pitter pattering of little feet running down the hallway followed by the thundering of my feet directing the little feet back to her room.

After two naps and one overnight sleep of this my wife and I installed a gate in front of our daughter’s door. She can still open and close her door, which she does, but now she can’t leave her room. However, the gate might be a touch high for certain other people in my family (wife) to get over without a step stool. Completely unrelated, my wife may have broken her big toe Monday night while attempting to “leap” over the gate.

I think I might just sleep in a tent in the back yard for the next decade.

Biggest weakness: As I start my slow, wonderful descent into “old man-hood” I’ve grown grumpier and grumpier about, well, everything. My children, whom I love dearly, can sometime exacerbate this grumpiness. The other day, while trying to accomplish the previously easy task of leaving the house after putting on shoes, my wife looks at me and my older daughter and says “you two should star in a show called Grumpy and The Spaz.” Look for our debut episode on BTN+.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 6 Penn State, 2:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 1st, Offense 5th, Defense 1st, Special Teams 18th (yikes, they’re good)

Last week’s results: (W) at Northwestern, 52-3

Biggest strength: Self-reliance.

Justin Fields had another four touchdowns, but he did fumble twice...neither of which Northwestern recovered natch, and J.K Dobbins rushed for 121 yards and one rushing score and one receiving score. Chase Young had a sack. The defense picked off NU twice.

Biggest weakness: Having fans graduate from their school.

Man, Ohio State doesn’t have many/any weaknesses this year. I didn’t think Wisconsin was going to beat the Buckeyes and then UW went and lost to Illinois and now I’m like...do we even have to watch?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 13 Wisconsin, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 8th, Offense 8th, Defense 12th, Special Teams 20th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 16 Michigan, 28-21

Biggest strength: Hey man, a win is a win, ok?

Micah Parsons had 14 tackles and Tariq Castro-Fields had eight tackles and a pick. Sean Clifford threw three touchdowns (and ran for one), two of which went to K.J. Hamler (six catches, 108 yards) who is having a really good season.

Biggest weakness: A lot of those look like real lions and not fake-ass, extinct Nittany Lions tbqh.

They let Michigan hang around and only didn’t go to overtime because Wolverines wideout Ronnie Bell had a touchdown fall through his hands at the end of the game.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Michigan State, 2:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 107th, Offense 117th, Defense 74th, Special Teams 82nd

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 20 Minnesota, 42-7

Biggest strength: Mom burns are the worst kind of burns because they normally don’t even know they’re doing it.

I say this every time Rutgers is on television, Steve.

Move those chains, baby.

THE SCARLET KNIGHTS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN!!! SOUND THE ALARMS AND FIRE THE CANNONS!!! PUT UP A KAY’RON ADAM STATUE IN FRONT OF THE STADIUM! Olakunle Fatukasi had 13 tackles.

Biggest weakness: In-state recruiting. Really Gary Andersen’d this one up, Rutgers.

Wait...what?

But hey! Still an improvement over the game against Indiana from last week.

Johnny Langan completed 12 passes on 19 attempts for 48 yards and, oh yeah, three of those 12 passes were completed to Minnesota.

Rutgers plays Liberty this weekend and the Scarlet Knights are underdogs.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Liberty, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 70th, Offense 56th, Defense 80th, Special Teams 4th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. No. 6 Wisconsin, 24-23

Biggest strength: Owning Wisconsin and all of our traditions IRL.

Owning Las Vegas.

Dele Harding had 16 tackles, Jake Hansen had 11 and a sack and Oluwole Betiku Jr. also added a sack.

Illinois forced three turnovers and had a couple of big plays and that was that. Wisconsin played cowardly football and left a bunch of points on the field and Illinois took complete advantage.

Biggest weakness: None, Illinois is the best, we are the worst. We are stupid, they are smart. They’re handsome and interesting, we are ugly and boring.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Maryland, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 24th, Offense 67th, Defense 9th, Special Teams 21st

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Purdue, 26-20

Biggest strength: Sticking to what they’re good at.

Michael Sleep-Dalton boomed a 63-yard punt. Brandon Smith had nine catches for 106 yards. Matt Hankins had 11 tackles and recovered a fumble.

Biggest weakness: Beating Purdue handily.

Iowa has the same problem that a lot of B1G West teams have: a championship caliber defense and a bunch of ineptitude on the offensive side of the ball. Go Brian Ferentz forever!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Northwestern, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 15th, Offense 10th, Defense 30th, Special Teams 88th

Last week’s results: (W) at Rutgers, 42-7

Biggest strength: B1G special teams player of the week Casey O’Brien.

That’s awesome. Congrats to Casey!

Biggest weakness: The Axe game is going to be no fun at all, even if Wisconsin wins.

Tanner Morgan threw for 245 yards and a pair of TDs, Rodney Smith added a pair on the ground and Tyler Johnson caught six passes for 130 yards and a score. Antoine Winfield Jr. had two picks and took one back to the house.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 2:30 p.m. CST, ESPN

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 46th, Offense 44th, Defense 61st, Special Teams 126th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: The NBA is back! Finally! Tuesday night was Opening Night and the defending champion Toronto Raptors held off the Zion Williamson-less New Orleans Pelicans in overtime. Pascal Siakam had 34 and 18 and Fred Van Vleet added a career-high 34 himself.

The Battle for Los Angeles was the nightcap and I’m not going to wait until the end of the game to write about it. Anthony Davis and Kawhi Leonard both played really well in their respective team debuts.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

I can’t wait to watch the Bucks and Sixers duke it out in the Eastern Conference. My preseason prediction is a Nuggets/Sixers Finals and I think Steph Curry will win the MVP. Take that to the bank.

Biggest weakness: Speaking of catching strays. Nebraska wasn’t even playing this past weekend and they STILL got busted up.

Honesty.

Normally I’d use a team that was on a bye week to discuss some random thing that interests me or my kids, but Nebraska just gets it from every direction, every week (and deservedly so) so here are some more tweets!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 74th, Offense 125th, Defense 16th, Special Teams 89th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 4 Ohio State, 52-3

Biggest strength: Coaching memes.

Study habits.

Taking wins where they can get them.

Blake Gallagher had 11 tackles and Paddy Fisher had eight. Otherwise everyone else played poorly. I will never believe that Northwestern won the B1G West in 2018, I don’t care how many highlights you show me.

Biggest weakness: I want to attend a Pat Fitzgerald press conference and ask antagonizing questions until I am asked to leave. This guy is the worst.

“And then they’re back on their phones playing Fourth Night and chatting with hot local singles who want to talk them and they don’t have any time for READING THE DAMN PLAYBOOK!”

If you can’t punt right then get the HELL OUT OF THE BIG TEN!

The quarterbacks were a combined 6-for-21 for 42 yards and two picks. That’s, honestly, a super impressive stat line. Why didn’t Fitzgerald just start kneeling the ball on offense? That would have made the game go faster and the kids with their damn cell phones wouldn’t have gotten so distracted.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 20 Iowa, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 50th, Offense 24th, Defense 85th, Special Teams 63rd

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 23 Iowa, 26-20

Biggest strength: Yeah...us too.

Jack Plummer hucked the ball 50 times, completing 30 for 327 yards, two scores and a pick. He also rushed for four yards...which was good for second on the team. David Bell had 13 catches for 197 yards and a TD.

Biggest weakness: Not having a fourth person attempt a punt in the game against Iowa. Only three? Really not going to impress Kirk Ferentz with that.

I just want to take some time to laugh at Dan Dakich who got suspended this week for some vague rules violation.

Dan Dakich sucks and I hope his suspension continues forever.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 22nd, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 98th

Last week’s results: (L) at Illinois, 24-23...what the fuck?

Biggest strength: Game-winning series of events for the Illinois defense.

On the bright side of things!

The Badgers outgained the Illini by 105 yards. They had the ball for more than twice as long. They went 9-for-17 on third down and Illinois went 2-for-10.

However, they had an equal 8.3 yards per pass but had 11 more attempts, so Illinois was making bigger pass plays. The Badgers turned the ball over three times to Illinois once. And Wisconsin only averaged 3.6 yards per carry.

Chris Orr had nine tackles and three sacks. Jonathan Taylor had 132 rushing yards and a score but also lost a fumble for the first time all season. Jack Coan also lost a fumble and threw a pick, but he wasn’t the reason Wisconsin lost.

Biggest weakness: ::SIGH::

BAN ILLINOIS IMO!

Paul Chryst’s coaching was tied for the biggest weakness on Saturday. The play calling was the other weakness. But we’ve discussed that enouWHY WON’T YOU LET JONATHAN TAYLOR RUN THE BALL ON THE GOAL LINE INSTEAD OF THE BACKUP FULLBACK!?!?! CHRIST!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 3 Ohio State, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX