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The B1G Roast: the USMNT is the Rutgers of international soccer

They score the same amount of points.

Indiana University’s Whop Philyor (1) runs the ball against... Photo by Jeremy Hogan/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

Sorry that this is a day late. My wife went back to work on Monday and I’m, allegedly, in charge of the children now. Also, I just wanted to wait until after the USMNT mopped the floor with Canada to write this post. Now, let me take a big sip of coffee and open up my soccer scores app.

Can’t wait to miss the World Cup again.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 25th, Offense 23rd, Defense 32nd, Special Teams 14th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 35-0

Biggest strength: Ending games 10 seconds into them. Reakwon Jones picked up a fumble, returned it for a touchdown and Rutgers was finished. Michael Penix Jr. had 282 passing yards and three TDs. Stevie Scott rushed for 164 yards on 12 carries.

Shutting down Twitter accounts.

The next tweet wasn’t until the following day and it announced a new profile picture. There is still nothing on the official Rutgers football Twitter account about the result, or even any play, of their game against Indiana.

I guess if my team threw for one (1) passing yard in a game I’d go to the bar and drink and throw my phone into the ocean.

Biggest weakness: Ummmm, I guess Penix Jr. threw an interception? was a pretty dominant performance. #9WINDIANA is right on track, baby.

Put Lumière at defensive coordinator imo.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Maryland, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 43rd, Offense 56th, Defense 44th, Special Teams 125th

Last week’s results: (L) at Purdue, 40-14

Biggest strength: Remember when Maryland was ranked? LMAO WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE THAT WAS! QB Tyrrell Pigrome ran for 107 yards and a score. Ayinde Eley had 11 tackles.

Hmmm, maybe Mike Locksley should look at these advanced stats and figure out what to wear next week!

The Terps extended the nation’s second-longest streak of consecutive games forcing a turnover to 18. So, uh, yeah...that’s pretty good!

Biggest weakness: Pigrome had a good day rushing but threw two picks.

Actual turtles would have put up more of a fight against Purdue.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 13th, Offense 53rd, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 62nd

Last week’s results: (W) at Illinois, 42-25

Biggest strength: At least we can agree with Michigan fans about one thing.

Shea Patterson threw three touchdowns but only completed half of his passes. The Wolverines had two running backs gain over 115 yards and had two defenders collect 11 tackles. Josh Uche had five tackles, all for a loss, and three sacks.

Biggest weakness: When you give up 25 unanswered to Illinois.

“We rose to the challenge,” Wolverines coach Jim Harbaugh said. “But yeah, it got interesting for a while there.”

Does Harbaugh know he was playing Illinois? They had to RISE to the challenge of playing Illinois?? This was the team everyone thought was going to finally beat Ohio State this year???

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 7 Penn State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 27th, Offense 68th, Defense 8th, Special Teams 85th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 8 Wisconsin, 38-0

Biggest strength: Winning the time of possession battle.

Taking responsibility for your failures.

Darrell Stewart Jr. had five catches for 59 yards.

Biggest weakness: Hooooooo baby, was just about everything the Spartans did on Saturday a weakness. Average ass Brian Lewerke had a TERRIBLE game and got pulled before he could further embarrass himself. Backup Rocky Lombardi was somehow worse. The team as a whole ran for 30 yards, with 20 of it coming from a linebacker on a fake punt!

Is Mark Dantonio on the hot seat?

Oh, nevermind, Dantonio is the volleyball coach. That football coach better watch out though! Former players are mad at him!!

Their volleyball coach sucks too.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 1st (!), Offense 6th, Defense 4th, Special Teams 35th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Did you guys know that Cash Cab is back on TV? I loved that show and I’m ecstatic that Ben Bailey is back in my life. It is currently airing on Bravo and now they have something called a “social media shoutout” because 2019 is crazy and you can just ask people on Facebook for the answers to questions so that you win real money.

Biggest weakness: It was my brother-in-law’s birthday earlier this week and we celebrated with an ice cream cake. My 2.5 year old daughter would stick a fork in your eye to get a piece of ice cream cake and was suitably excited when we told her about Uncle Justin’s birthday. While cutting the cake, Grandpa made a joke that he was going to eat the whole thing and my daughter balled up her fists, started shaking with rage and shouted “IT IS FOR EVERYONE PAPA!”

I think we may have finally taught her how to share!

This week’s opponent: Friday at Northwestern, 7:30 p.m. CST, FS1

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 6th, Offense 10th, Defense 10th, Special Teams 26th

Last week’s results: (W) at No. 17 Iowa, 17-12

Biggest strength: One of the many reasons I could never play major college football is the fact that it would never, ever occur to me to try and jump over the all of these large men who were trying to kill me.

I think that winning a night game at Kinnick as the road team should count as 1.5 wins. Like, if Penn State is tied with someone at the end of the year, they automatically get the tiebreaker.

Noah Cain rushed for 102 yards and a touchdown. Blake Gillikin punted seven times and five of the were inside the 20. Really putting on a show at the Temple of Punt.

Biggest weakness: James Franklin said, and I’m quoting here, “this is a team” when asked about Iowa after the game.

Good for these kids on Penn State for wearing these t-shirts in support of their teammate and to speak out against racism and crotchety, old assholes who feel like everyone needs to hear their outdated and offensive opinions on, well, anything.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 16 Michigan, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 97th, Offense 108th, Defense 68th, Special Teams 59th

Last week’s results: (L) at Indiana, 35-0

Biggest strength: Olakunle Fatukasi had 10 tackles. They forced an interception! That’s it though.

Making the spelling of their university more efficient.

Biggest weakness: This has to be photoshopped...right?

::double checks box score:: Sweet sassy molass-y. He actually attempted 13 passes by the end of the game! Rutgers had three guys catch passes: one of them caught three balls for four yards, the other two each caught one ball for negative yards. That is the press box lasagna in Indiana of quarterback showings.

Rutgers QB, whose name I will never learn, had as many lost fumbles as passing yards.

GET IT TOGETHER, POLITI! You are from New Jersey, presumably you’ve had good lasagna before!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 20 Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 74th, Offense 52nd, Defense 83rd, Special Teams 1st (!)

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 16 Michigan, 42-25

Biggest strength: Backup freshman QB Matt Robinson played...fine. He should probably stop losing multiple fumbles in a game though. Stanley Green had 12 tackles.

His face on the statue is how every Illini fan

The “never say die” spirit of Illinois’ punter here is admirable. Completely misguided and useless, but admirable nonetheless!

Biggest weakness: Illinois fans are fed up with their entire football program and it makes me sad. They should at least be competitive and give the nice people of central Illinois something to be proud of. Needless to say, they do not do that.

This tweet makes me sad to my core.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 6 Wisconsin, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 15th, Offense 31st, Defense 17th, Special Teams 64th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No 10 Penn State, 17-12

Biggest strength: Ricky Stanzi. America’s greatest hero.

And also Lil’ Sebastian. America’s second greatest hero.

Nate Stanley, who much like Brian Lewerke, sucks. He did throw for a touchdown, which was the Hawkeyes’ first touchdown in nearly two full games. ::fires confetti gun:: Jack Koerner had 13 tackles. He’s a safety so that’s probably not a good sign.

Biggest weakness: Their offense stunk. 30 rushes for 70 yards, two turnovers, the inability to score, like, ever. God, being an Iowa fan has to be painful.

Brian Ferentz is playing 4-D chess.

Iowa’s defense should secede from their offense.

Hopefully Iowa fans were able to stay safe this weekend.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 17th, Offense 9th, Defense 38th, Special Teams 65th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Nebraska, 34-7

Biggest strength: At leas the Gophers haven’t spawned dozens of think-pieces about WHAT IT ALL MEANS like The Joker movie.

Their three running backs had 139, 99 and 84 yards rushing. Mo Ibrahim had three scores and Rodney Smith had one. Tyler Johnson had five catches for 109 yards. Kamal Martin had 15 tackles.

I don’t know if it’s time yet, but soon everyone might have to take Minnesota seriously this year.

Biggest weakness: Jason DeRusha is a local CBS news anchor, food critic and all around swell guy. He is an acquaintance of mine due to him frequenting the bar I used to make drinks at. I can hear him saying “could you be more specific about where” in my head and believe me...he isn’t saying it politely.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 44th, Offense 41st, Defense 59th, Special Teams 126th

Last week’s results: (L) at Minnesota, 34-7

Biggest strength: Their journalists are more prepared than the team is.

Although, to be fair, it sounds like Scott Frost and co. were plenty prepared they...just...suck?

They just got straight up mugged by the Gophers. I’m really excited to see their plan for winning the national title now. The rest of this season is going to be CRAZY!!!!

Biggest weakness: Everything. Everything about this team is a weakness. Scott Frost sucks. The offense sucks. The defense sucks. Well, Mo Barry is pretty good, but the rest of the defense sucks. Their fans SUCK. It all sucks and they won’t be good for another two years and they’ll have wasted all of their time with Adrian Martinez...who might suck!

I mean, I don’t know anybody who wanted to watch this bloodletting.


::cues up The Sound of Silence::

Nebraska fans are straight up delusional.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 62nd, Offense 124th, Defense 5th, Special Teams 97th

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: Their...offense?!?!

Best offense in the country imo!

Biggest weakness: In more “my older daughter news,” she is currently in the thick of being potty trained. She’s very good at telling us when she has to pee. When she has to poop...well, let’s just say I’m doing a lot of laundry. We are pretty sure the little con artist is peeing a little bit, stopping the flow, telling us all about it, getting her M&M reward and then telling us 90 seconds later that she has to go to the bathroom again and the whole process repeats itself.

Really excited for her to become a Wall Street bro and swindle a bunch of people out of their money when she’s older.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. No. 4 Ohio State, 7:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 51st, Offense 15th, Defense 89th, Special Teams 80th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Maryland, 40-14

Biggest strength: The moon helmets did not work. The game notes had this gem: “About 10 astronauts also were honored during the halftime festivities.” How do they not know how may astronauts were honored? These are the people we are trusting with going to outer space?!?

Freshman QB Jack “The Snack” Plummer threw for 420 yards (nice) and three TDs and maybe Purdue’s season isn’t as over as we all thought it was! Purdue’s leading rusher, freshman King Doerue, had 69 yards (NICE!) and a touchdown.

Biggest weakness: They only had two wideouts that caught more than eight passes for 137 yards. Smh.

Will Purdue ever beat Rutgers?

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 23 Iowa, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN2

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 4th, Offense 16th, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 116th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Michigan State, 38-0

Biggest strength: Paul Chryst’s play calling on fourth down has been sensual.

C’mon, Jason! Have you seen Paul Chryst’s play calling on fourth down? It is plenty silly!

Put it in the Louvre!

Wisconsin’s defense this year has been stellar. Now, Michigan State’s offense isn’t exactly The Greatest Show on Turf but a shutout is a shutout. Kendric Pryor had a great 66-yard TD run with a badass stiff arm.

Biggest weakness: I don’t want to accuse the official Wisconsin football Twitter account of stealing my idea for a tweet but...the time stamps don’t lie.

Welp, there you have it.

You’ll also note this:

Maybe let me do a takeover of the @BadgerFootball account for the Illinois game? No one will be paying attention anyways.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN