Let’s get right to roasting because the only things I have thoughts on these days is which Pete the Cat (streaming on Amazon Prime now!) songs are bangers.
S&P+ rank: Overall 29th, Offense 29th, Defense 40th, Special Teams 29th
Last week’s results: (L) at No. 25 Michigan State, 40-31
Biggest strength: The Hoosiers gave a valiant effort against Michigan State, and were even winning in the fourth quarter in classic Indiana vs. a ranked team style. But alas...
Michael Penix Jr. tossed the ball for 286 yards and three scores through the air and also added one score on the ground. WR Whop Philyor had 14 catches for 142 yards and two TDs.
Your uncle at the wedding after 15 beers pic.twitter.com/L0JDEHpNHW— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) September 28, 2019
My uncle is a Michigan Man, so he has even less rhythm than this.
Biggest weakness: I can’t believe it took this long tbqh.
The typo finally happened. And at 4:20, no less. Happy Saturday, Hoosier fans. pic.twitter.com/fd4fxbPd5L— Alex McCarthy (@akmccarthy) September 28, 2019
#9WINDIANA is still on the table but this win would’ve been nice.
Giving up nine points in the final five seconds of the game is no way to go through life, quite frankly.
This week’s opponent: BYE
S&P+ rank: Overall 46th, Offense 60th, Defense 43rd, Special Teams 125th
Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 12 Penn State, 59-0
Biggest strength: Every damn year. The Terps do this every damn year! They win a couple of games early, including one over a ranked team or definitely Texas, and everyone gets all jazzed up for some crab cakes and football. And then? Stonks.
Maryland started out the season 2-0 with 142 points in two games and then pic.twitter.com/hONnxJ7R5S— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) September 28, 2019
The university cancelled class and had additional student seats put in for this game because people were so excited! The only fans left in the second half were Penn State fans!
Third quarter crowd update as Penn State drives. pic.twitter.com/09IJVHUvB5— Ben Jones (@Ben_Jones88) September 28, 2019
I promise, from this day forward, to never EVER believe in the Maryland football program again. I’m sorry for doing so at any point in the past but I’m here to make amends and become a better person. Please help me on my journey.
Their best stat was they used two punters and they both had an average of 42.8 yards per punt.
Biggest weakness: This poor girl has been entered into College Football Memedom for, at least, the rest of the season. Maryland could do absolutely nothing against Penn State and it made her stare into the void and confront her own mortality.
You just hate to see it. And then the random PSU fan behind her cheering for the camera! Oof. Just brutal.
Here are some halftime adjustments I hope she made.
Halftime adjustments for Maryland:— Ramzy Nasrallah (@ramzy) September 28, 2019
* drop football, a dumb sport
* pretend Penn State is Texas
* maybe stop shaving points
* play 11 on defense instead of 7
* take solace in remembering that the probability of death for all of is 100%
The Terps had 128 yards and 10 first downs...in the whole damn game. PUKE! At least they only had ::squints:: nine penalties for 85 yards and three turnovers. This box score makes me want to eat a raw pepper like an apple. I, as you may know, hate raw peppers.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN
S&P+ rank: Overall 13th, Offense 48th, Defense 6th, Special Teams 4th
Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 52-0
Biggest strength: BIG NUDE SATURDAY THIS WEEKEND IS GOING TO BE OFF THE CHAIN!
Iowa-Michigan is gonna be the BIG NUDE SATURDAY game next week? BRING IT. pic.twitter.com/TlQ3i0xSMT— RossWB (@RossWB) September 28, 2019
I betcha this guy has a car that he describes as “bitchin’”.
just wanted to bring senior kicker Alan Selzer's haircut to your attention pic.twitter.com/7PbU81j9xD— Dustin Johnston (@DJPhotoVideo) September 29, 2019
The Wolverines scored three minutes into the game and the rest of the 57 minutes were purely academic. Rutgers is on such a different level, talent-wise, than the rest of the Big Ten that it is kind of laughable. At least, you have to laugh to keep from crying.
Shea Patterson had four total touchdowns.
Biggest weakness: Must suck to just get continually owned by Paul Chryst.
Wisconsin beating the crap out of Michigan and then wearing Khakis for their next football game is such a powerful flex. I love it.— Matt Brown (@MattSBN) September 28, 2019
Michigan ran the ball 41 times against Rutgers. They gained 141 yards. That is good (?) for 3.4 yards per carry. Against Rutgers. I know that this was a monstrous beatdown, but that has to at least be a little concerning, right?
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 14 Iowa, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX
Michigan State Spartans
S&P+ rank: Overall 21st, Offense 62nd, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 90th
Last week’s results: (W) vs. Indiana, 40-31
Biggest strength: Brian Lewerke, who I am on record (multiple times) as thinking sucks, sucked his way to a 300-yard and three touchdown passing performance and even led the team in rushing with 78 yards. Darrell Stewart Jr. had five catches for 117 yards and two TDs.
54 years old never seen a worse officiated game in my life.Indiana Hoosiers best Michigan State up and down that field.I guess home field advantage is a advantage.SORRY HOOSIERS!— Frankenstien (@Franken97759517) September 28, 2019
This is my favorite tweet of the week.
Biggest weakness: Getting toasted and roasted on both sides by Michigan fans.
Michigan State fans crash Michigan "Tailgate."— Brent Yarina (@BTNBrentYarina) September 28, 2019
Michigan fan whips up sign. pic.twitter.com/kAgoQC5W5N
And, uh, again.
With MSU's comeback victory over Indiana on Saturday, the Spartans improved to 15-14 in Big Ten conference play over the 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 seasons.— Scott Bell (@sbell021) September 30, 2019
If I'm selecting a measuring stick for Mark Dantonio and Co., I'm probably choosing the .500 mark.https://t.co/vBaZhrOxgl
Indiana always gives one ranked team a scare and this year the Spartans were it. They escaped and now they get the honor of stepping in front of the enormous buzzsaw that is the Ohio State Buckeyes.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 4 Ohio State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC
Ohio State Buckeyes
S&P+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 5th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 55th
Last week’s results: (W) at Nebraska, 48-7
Biggest strength: Way to go John Legend!
oh my god he only bought me goose game to distract me from changing the channel to Ohio state— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) September 28, 2019
Much like Michigan scoring early against Rutgers, Ohio State scored within five minutes of the game kicking off and the rest of their game against Nebraska was academic. Nebraska is basically Rutgers with a bigger, more annoying fan base.
Justin Fields would probably be leading Heisman discussions if he ever got to compile a full game’s worth of stats. In limited action against Nebraska he threw for 212 yards and three touchdowns while rushing for 72 yards and another score.
J.K. Dobbins ran all over the Blackshirts to the tune of 177 yards on 24 carries, but had all of his scores stolen by the glory hunter Fields.
Jeff Okudah had two interceptions and Jordan Fuller had one, Chase Young had a sack, multiple players had multiple tackles for loss and the country was put on notice that Ohio State is freaking good this year.
Biggest weakness: I mean...everybody was saying this was going to happen all week and ABC still showed it live on broadcast television. They’ll be hearing from the FCC, no doubt.
Can anyone at ABC justify putting this snuff film on before 9pm? My kids can see this.— PlannedSickDays (@PlannedSickDays) September 29, 2019
I wonder what Scott Frost thinks about his own team?
Scott Frost on Ohio State: “I give a ton of credit to them and their coaching staff because they’re a lot better than they were a year ago.”— Marcus Hartman (@marcushartman) September 29, 2019
To be fair to this man, I feel the exact same way any time I see someone wearing an Ohio State shirt in public.
They did let Adrian Martinez complete more passes to his team than theirs sooooooo kinda disappointing.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 25 Michigan State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC
Penn State Nittany Lions
S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 9th, Defense 16th, Special Teams 19th
Last week’s results: (W) at Maryland 59-0
Biggest strength: Maryland badly wants this to be a rivalry. I think they should, maybe, change their minds.
Tyrell Pigrome scored a 7-yard touchdown run to cut Penn State’s lead to 17-14 with 52 seconds remaining in the second quarter on Oct. 8, 2016.— Kevin McGuire (@KevinOnCFB) September 28, 2019
Saquon Barkley scored 30 seconds later and Penn State has outscored Maryland 153-6 to this exact moment.
The Terps really showed Penn State! They won’t shake their hands and also won’t get within three touchdowns of beating them!
Sean Clifford threw for 398 yards and three touchdowns and the rushing attack scored five more times while churning out 198 yards. 13 different Lions caught a pass, led by KJ Hamler who caught six for 108 yards and a score.
Biggest weakness: The Maryland student section.
Seriously...why does Maryland want this to be a rivalry again?
This Maryland game reminds me that the Maryland-Penn State wikipedia page is perhaps the saddest rivalry graphic on the internet pic.twitter.com/soCdqiLSBu— Matt Brown (@MattSBN) September 28, 2019
I guess the one Penn State weakness in the game was only recovering one of the two Maryland fumbles.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
S&P+ rank: Overall 97th, Offense 107th, Defense 74th, Special Teams 27th
Last week’s results: (L) at No. 20 Michigan, 52-0
Biggest strength: I greatly enjoyed Rutgers THROWING SHADE at Maryland for getting shut out and then...well...doing the same exact damn thing and firing their coach.
This is funny because it also applies to Rutgers...and Nebraska.
Here’s my take on Maryland football: pic.twitter.com/FnplaMpZAa— Thomas Kendziora (@TKendziora37) September 28, 2019
Artur Sitkowski didn’t turn the ball over. The only way you are going to score, um, any points at all is if you don’t turn the ball over. Raheem Blackshear caught seven passes for 55 yards and should enter the transfer portal immediately and be able to play at once due to his toiling for the Scarlet Knights.
Biggest weakness: The new coach, who has the most New Jersey name ever, should address this in practice this week so all the players know how to do it.
blocking your own guy to draw the flag is some next-level rutgers shit— Ace Anbender (@AceAnbender) September 28, 2019
this man’s pregame speech is gonna be yellin “eyyyyyyy i’m walk-in heah” and “the friggin mets baby!” just over and over— crimson quarry (@crimsonquarry) September 29, 2019
Thank God they won’t have to anymore! This was probably the hardest part of their job and now it’s over!
I had forgotten how funny it is to listen to the guys on BTN try to say positive things about Chris Ash.— Bryan Mac (@Bry_Mac) September 28, 2019
It is time for a couple of rapid-fire stats about Rutgers’ ineptitude as both a football program and an offense.
Rutgers has failed to score more than a TD in 16 of its last 29 Big Ten games including Saturday’s 52-0 loss to Michigan— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) September 28, 2019
Since Rutgers joined the Big Ten in 2014 there have been 19 Big Ten conference games in which a team was shutout. Rutgers has been the team shutout in 9 of them.— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) September 28, 2019
Rutgers has now lost 16 straight to power five opponents with 7 of them by 30+ points. Ash is now 8-32 with 8 shutouts & 15 losses by four touchdowns or more. They’ve been outscored 112-16 by Iowa, BC & Michigan this season. The program is right on target with the Terry Shea Era.— Aaron Breitman (@aaron_breitman) September 28, 2019
Sweet Jesus I want to take a hot poker to both of my eyes.
Rushed 29 times for 46 yards. Threw for 106 yards total. These are numbers from the bad high school team in your conference.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN
Illinois Fighting Illini
S&P+ rank: Overall 56th, Offense 34th, Defense 87th, Special Teams 2nd
Last week’s results: BYE
Biggest strength: THE NBA IS BACK! Training camp has started and I’m so excited that this weekly blog can finally return to its roots and talk about pro basketball. My favorite offseason story was Philadelphia 76ers forward Mike Scott getting into a brawl at an Eagles tailgate!
Scott: "It's Philly, we had a brawl before noon and then went and enjoyed the football game."— Kyle Neubeck (@KyleNeubeck) September 30, 2019
Just try and tell me Philadelphia isn’t the best city we, as a country, has to offer. I AIN’T LISTENING! Just get a load of this guy!
Doesn't get any more Philly than this. pic.twitter.com/pgArzxZPV3— Philadelphia Phillies (@Phillies) September 29, 2019
And also this guy! Who...I’m pretty sure is a different guy.
No city will ever have better culture pic.twitter.com/5n68tC1CM1— noah (@ih8stevensinger) September 26, 2019
Anyways, the Sixers are looking good this year and so are the Bucks. Kawhi Leonard is in LA now, so Philly and Milwaukee could meet in the Eastern Conference Finals pretty easily. I, for one, am excited.
Biggest weakness: This is a good tweet.
lasagna friend who— justin (@farringt0n) September 11, 2019
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN
S&P+ rank: Overall 20th, Offense 30th, Defense 22nd, Special Teams 13th
Last week’s results: (W) vs. Middle Tennessee State, 48-3
Biggest strength: Yup, this tracks.
Iowa just ran a QB sneak for 10 yards— PlannedSickDays (@PlannedSickDays) September 28, 2019
Just look at that push! God, the Big Ten is just the best sometimes. It is usually the worst, but then Nate Stanley sneaks for 10 yards and all seems right with the world for the moment.
The Hawkeyes just keep plugging away and beating teams by big margins. Toren Young ran 11 times for 131 yards, Tyler Goodson ran 12 times for 97 yards and Mekhi Sargent ran 14 times for 91 yards and a TD.
Biggest weakness: I mean, Iowa DOES suck but...c’mon man. Put your sign the right way, you dingus.
Yeah, well, 86% of Alabama’s backups are NFL starters now so Iowa ain’t that impressive.
That's a hell of a stat. pic.twitter.com/az6UZ0Jki8— Go Iowa Awesome (@IowaAwesome) September 28, 2019
This weekend’s game against Michigan will be a narrative setter for the rest of the season for each team. Either way, it’s going to be hilarious.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 19 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX
Minnesota Golden Gophers
S&P+ rank: Overall 33rd, Offense 14th, Defense 67th, Special Teams 96th
Last week’s results: (W) at Purdue, 38-31
Biggest strength: This man is too big. That shouldn’t be allowed.
Daniel Faalele (RT) breaks the saying: objects in mirror are closer than they appear.— Cam Mellor (@PFF_Cam) September 28, 2019
This dude’s a monster. pic.twitter.com/NqePxeYNUr
Sweet merciful heavens did Tanner Morgan have a good game against what Purdue keeps claiming is a FBS secondary. I just need to write it out to try and fully comprehend it: Morgan went 21-of-22 for 396 yards and four touchdowns. Those are some Big XII numbers, boy.
I do not know what to make of this Minnesota team. They should be 2-2 at best and probably should be 1-3...and yet? Here they sit at 4-0 with a pretty high likelihood of being 7-1 or 8-0. I DON’T GET IT!
Minnesota is (4-0) with all 4 wins coming by 1 possession margins. Per @BTNStatsGuys, they are the 1st FBS team to do that since Penn State in 1985, and the first Big Ten team to do it since Amos Alonzo Stagg’s Chicago Maroons in 1915.— Dave Revsine (@BTNDaveRevsine) September 29, 2019
Rashod Bateman had six catches for 177 yards and two touchdowns. Some NFL team is going to be very happy when they draft him.
Biggest weakness: Well, Purdue fans, what do you have to say for yourselves?
Observation from Ross Ade Stadium: Purdue fans love standing in the aisles. It's unclear why.— The Daily Gopher (@TheDailyGopher) September 28, 2019
Is Purdue Pete making you stand in the aisles? You don’t have to listen to him just because he’s a veteran and carries a sledgehammer.
thank you for your service pic.twitter.com/3NIohRatk2— ross, but [train horn noise] (@rossmcbride13) September 28, 2019
Imagine getting a branded birthday post with your spouse’s nonsense work hashtags and catchphrases on it. Heather Fleck must be the most patient and understanding woman in the whole world.
Allowed Purdue, who had already lost their starting quarterback, their best defensive player (earlier in the season) and their best overall player, back into the game by giving up 14 fourth quarter points.
If I may repeat myself: I do NOT get this team at all
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN
S&P+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 33rd, Defense 53rd, Special Teams 124th
Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 5 Ohio State, 48-7
Biggest strength: Self-evaluation. Where they happen to be is nowhere good. They are at an ATM at 3:15 on Sunday morning.
Scott Frost on national TV on where Nebraska is in their growth process:— The Solid Verbal (@SolidVerbal) September 28, 2019
“We are where we are”
You have been subscribed to #ScottFrostFacts.
Look at these fucking insufferable, holier-than-thou, losers!
Attempts to run up the score at the end of the half was classless.— Jeff Kulhanek (@JeffKulhanek1) September 29, 2019
On what planet is trying to score more points IN THE FIRST HALF “classless?” Just because your team was getting it’s dicks kicked in all damn night doesn’t mean they are “classier” than the team doing the dick kicking. Nebraska sucks and they are going to be on the receiving end of a beatdown now and then. Don’t bring your faux righteous outrage into it because you’re sad that the only thing in your life that has meaning is suddenly meaningless. Get a hobby. Christ.
What if I told you that everyone who cheers for Nebraska is a haughty dipshit that probably thinks the black players on the team have gotten too “uppity” these days, especially with their music? They are.
What if I told you this was the scene inside Memorial Stadium tonight going into the fourth quarter and the opposing team was up 48-7? It was. Nebraska fans are some of the most loyal people you will ever meet. #Huskers pic.twitter.com/JFZExc8Yhp— Tyler Wells (@IAmTylerWells) September 29, 2019
Adrian Martinez ran for 81 yards and didn’t lose the one fumble he had.
Biggest weakness: I wonder where Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade have to go for Taco Tuesday?
It’s kinda weird that LeBron’s sister and brother got married if we’re being honest.
I wonder if it worked?
fuck it i’m having a beer— CornNation (@CornNation) September 29, 2019
and wondering if i can get addicted to Oxycotin before the end of the game
* whispers *— Eleven Warriors (@11W) September 29, 2019
ohio state gets the ball to start the 2nd half pic.twitter.com/FvKJsEuEIt
Might need a Scott Frosty to ice down the beating Nebraska is taking.#FreshFanReaction— Wendy's (@Wendys) September 22, 2018
Come to Nebraska and help us lose to Ohio State by 20 next time!
All these guys look like they just witnessed a triple homicide. https://t.co/pW5K2dNfI6— Cheese Mountain Pizza Eater ️ (@PV_GIA) September 29, 2019
Adrian Martinez threw for 47 yards and three picks.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX
S&P+ rank: Overall 69th (nice), Offense 123rd, Defense 11th, Special Teams 76th
Last week’s results: (L) at No. 8 Wisconsin, 24-15
Biggest strength: What the fuck does this even mean?
Fitz at the podium. On two point conversion play calls:— Inside NU (@insidenu) September 28, 2019
"Going back to the 90 hours, no Wii and golf, we wouldn't have called that play if we didn't think it was gonna work. When it doesn't work, that's on us."
Pat Fitzgerals is somehow just as annoying as PJ Fleck is when giving press conferences. Don’t be a combative asshole, Fitz, and maybe people will cut you some slack when your offense manages to score negative points. Which they almost did on Saturday, barely beating the Wisconsin defense 15-14.
when you're watchin northwestern's offense https://t.co/86O7eeLdQ3— Robby Kalland #BriocheBoys (@RKalland) September 28, 2019
Travis Whillock had 13 tackles and a sack. JJ Jefferson picked off a Jack Coan pass for Coan’s first INT of the year.
Biggest weakness: If you made this into a drinking game I hope you are finally not hungover.
That is...not a lot of passing yards to have near the end of the third quarter.
Maybe jail both Fitzgerald and McCall?
Pat Fitzgerald is a fine coach but the fact that he's kept Mick McCall around for 10 years should land him in prison.— Robert O'Neill (@RobertONeill31) September 28, 2019
Two quarterbacks combined to go 18-for-41 for 158 yards with one TD and one pick. As a team, they ran for 97 yards on 41 carries. But it’s cell phones that are the reason no one wants to come to Evanston and moribund Ryan Field at 11 a.m. to watch you take on Eastern Michigan.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX
S&P+ rank: Overall 63rd, Offense 20th, Defense 105th, Special Teams 48th
Last week’s results: (L) vs. Minnesota, 38-31
Biggest strength: Jack “The Snack” Plummer came in for the injured Sindelar and tossed two touchdowns and two picks (electric stuff!) for 245 yards. David Bell tried to fill in for Moore by catching eight passes for 114 yards.
Purdue fans getting deeply introspective pic.twitter.com/XcMO5Q8quZ— Paid man gets bored (@cjzero) September 28, 2019
It was a big week for B1G fans pondering the meaning of life while their football team was losing.
Biggest weakness: Thankfully the injury to Official Crush of The B1G Roast, Rondale Moore, appears to be less severe than the GIF below would have you believe. Elijah Sindelar’s bad luck continues though, as he’ll be out for a while with a broken collarbone. Hopefully they both get well as soon as possible. Because, yeah...Purdue’s season may be over already.
Rondale Moore and Elijah Sindelar injured on the same play. Sindelar being helped directly to the locker room. Moore being helped off to the sideline. Purdue’s season could be over in one play— Jerry Palm (@jppalmCBS) September 28, 2019
Rondale Moore hurt. Needing to be helped off. pic.twitter.com/7TLwMl3kzo— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) September 28, 2019
Purdue’s pass defense is really, truly, 100% awful. Their pass offense wasn’t much to write home about either.
Sad drinking it is.— Dr. J (no not that one) (@Air_Force_Juan) September 29, 2019
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 12 Penn State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN
S&P+ rank: Overall 8th, Offense 28th, Defense 1st (!!!), Special Teams 127th (!!!)
Last week’s results: (W) vs. Northwestern, 24-15
Biggest strength: The Badgers defense is so freaking good. I am horny on Main for them. Chris Orr, Jack Sanborn, the defensive line, the safeties, the cornerbacks, basically every one of them. I want all of them to be recognized as the royalty that they are.
#Badgers hold on third down to extend streak to 24 consecutive third-down stops and 32 of last 33. Incredible.— Jeff Potrykus (@jaypo1961) September 28, 2019
Way to support local businesses, Chris Orr.
Chris Orr, everybody. Nice T-shirt. pic.twitter.com/SNwQfaOlL1— Jesse Temple (@jessetemple) September 28, 2019
This is the best thing I saw on the internet over the weekend.
I had to. You're welcome. pic.twitter.com/gi189IYRx4— Stephen Watson (@WISN_Watson) September 28, 2019
Biggest weakness: Glad we could help spur creativity in others, because the Badgers offense sure didn’t have any amirite guys????
The special teams is atrocious, except for kickoffs, and needs major work.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Kent State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPNU