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The B1G Roast: relegate Nebraska

Take Maryland and Rutgers while you’re at it.

Ohio State v Nebraska
Internal monologue: “What the shit was THAT?!?”
Photo by Steven Branscombe/Getty Images

Let’s get right to roasting because the only things I have thoughts on these days is which Pete the Cat (streaming on Amazon Prime now!) songs are bangers.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: Overall 29th, Offense 29th, Defense 40th, Special Teams 29th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 25 Michigan State, 40-31

Biggest strength: The Hoosiers gave a valiant effort against Michigan State, and were even winning in the fourth quarter in classic Indiana vs. a ranked team style. But alas...

Michael Penix Jr. tossed the ball for 286 yards and three scores through the air and also added one score on the ground. WR Whop Philyor had 14 catches for 142 yards and two TDs.

My uncle is a Michigan Man, so he has even less rhythm than this.

Biggest weakness: I can’t believe it took this long tbqh.

#9WINDIANA is still on the table but this win would’ve been nice.

Giving up nine points in the final five seconds of the game is no way to go through life, quite frankly.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: Overall 46th, Offense 60th, Defense 43rd, Special Teams 125th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 12 Penn State, 59-0

Biggest strength: Every damn year. The Terps do this every damn year! They win a couple of games early, including one over a ranked team or definitely Texas, and everyone gets all jazzed up for some crab cakes and football. And then? Stonks.

The university cancelled class and had additional student seats put in for this game because people were so excited! The only fans left in the second half were Penn State fans!

I promise, from this day forward, to never EVER believe in the Maryland football program again. I’m sorry for doing so at any point in the past but I’m here to make amends and become a better person. Please help me on my journey.

Their best stat was they used two punters and they both had an average of 42.8 yards per punt.

Biggest weakness: This poor girl has been entered into College Football Memedom for, at least, the rest of the season. Maryland could do absolutely nothing against Penn State and it made her stare into the void and confront her own mortality.

You just hate to see it. And then the random PSU fan behind her cheering for the camera! Oof. Just brutal.

Here are some halftime adjustments I hope she made.

The Terps had 128 yards and 10 first the whole damn game. PUKE! At least they only had ::squints:: nine penalties for 85 yards and three turnovers. This box score makes me want to eat a raw pepper like an apple. I, as you may know, hate raw peppers.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: Overall 13th, Offense 48th, Defense 6th, Special Teams 4th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Rutgers, 52-0


I betcha this guy has a car that he describes as “bitchin’”.

The Wolverines scored three minutes into the game and the rest of the 57 minutes were purely academic. Rutgers is on such a different level, talent-wise, than the rest of the Big Ten that it is kind of laughable. At least, you have to laugh to keep from crying.

Shea Patterson had four total touchdowns.

Biggest weakness: Must suck to just get continually owned by Paul Chryst.

Michigan ran the ball 41 times against Rutgers. They gained 141 yards. That is good (?) for 3.4 yards per carry. Against Rutgers. I know that this was a monstrous beatdown, but that has to at least be a little concerning, right?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 14 Iowa, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: Overall 21st, Offense 62nd, Defense 2nd, Special Teams 90th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Indiana, 40-31

Biggest strength: Brian Lewerke, who I am on record (multiple times) as thinking sucks, sucked his way to a 300-yard and three touchdown passing performance and even led the team in rushing with 78 yards. Darrell Stewart Jr. had five catches for 117 yards and two TDs.

This is my favorite tweet of the week.

Biggest weakness: Getting toasted and roasted on both sides by Michigan fans.

And, uh, again.

Indiana always gives one ranked team a scare and this year the Spartans were it. They escaped and now they get the honor of stepping in front of the enormous buzzsaw that is the Ohio State Buckeyes.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 4 Ohio State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 2nd, Offense 5th, Defense 3rd, Special Teams 55th

Last week’s results: (W) at Nebraska, 48-7

Biggest strength: Way to go John Legend!

Much like Michigan scoring early against Rutgers, Ohio State scored within five minutes of the game kicking off and the rest of their game against Nebraska was academic. Nebraska is basically Rutgers with a bigger, more annoying fan base.

Justin Fields would probably be leading Heisman discussions if he ever got to compile a full game’s worth of stats. In limited action against Nebraska he threw for 212 yards and three touchdowns while rushing for 72 yards and another score.

J.K. Dobbins ran all over the Blackshirts to the tune of 177 yards on 24 carries, but had all of his scores stolen by the glory hunter Fields.

Jeff Okudah had two interceptions and Jordan Fuller had one, Chase Young had a sack, multiple players had multiple tackles for loss and the country was put on notice that Ohio State is freaking good this year.

Biggest weakness: I mean...everybody was saying this was going to happen all week and ABC still showed it live on broadcast television. They’ll be hearing from the FCC, no doubt.

I wonder what Scott Frost thinks about his own team?

To be fair to this man, I feel the exact same way any time I see someone wearing an Ohio State shirt in public.

They did let Adrian Martinez complete more passes to his team than theirs sooooooo kinda disappointing.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 25 Michigan State, 6:30 p.m. CST, ABC

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: Overall 7th, Offense 9th, Defense 16th, Special Teams 19th

Last week’s results: (W) at Maryland 59-0

Biggest strength: Maryland badly wants this to be a rivalry. I think they should, maybe, change their minds.

The Terps really showed Penn State! They won’t shake their hands and also won’t get within three touchdowns of beating them!

Sean Clifford threw for 398 yards and three touchdowns and the rushing attack scored five more times while churning out 198 yards. 13 different Lions caught a pass, led by KJ Hamler who caught six for 108 yards and a score.

Biggest weakness: The Maryland student section.

Seriously...why does Maryland want this to be a rivalry again?

I guess the one Penn State weakness in the game was only recovering one of the two Maryland fumbles.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: Overall 97th, Offense 107th, Defense 74th, Special Teams 27th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 20 Michigan, 52-0

Biggest strength: I greatly enjoyed Rutgers THROWING SHADE at Maryland for getting shut out and then...well...doing the same exact damn thing and firing their coach.

This is funny because it also applies to Rutgers...and Nebraska.

Artur Sitkowski didn’t turn the ball over. The only way you are going to score, um, any points at all is if you don’t turn the ball over. Raheem Blackshear caught seven passes for 55 yards and should enter the transfer portal immediately and be able to play at once due to his toiling for the Scarlet Knights.

Biggest weakness: The new coach, who has the most New Jersey name ever, should address this in practice this week so all the players know how to do it.

Thank God they won’t have to anymore! This was probably the hardest part of their job and now it’s over!

It is time for a couple of rapid-fire stats about Rutgers’ ineptitude as both a football program and an offense.

Sweet Jesus I want to take a hot poker to both of my eyes.

Rushed 29 times for 46 yards. Threw for 106 yards total. These are numbers from the bad high school team in your conference.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11:00 a.m. CST, BTN

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: Overall 56th, Offense 34th, Defense 87th, Special Teams 2nd

Last week’s results: BYE

Biggest strength: THE NBA IS BACK! Training camp has started and I’m so excited that this weekly blog can finally return to its roots and talk about pro basketball. My favorite offseason story was Philadelphia 76ers forward Mike Scott getting into a brawl at an Eagles tailgate!

Just try and tell me Philadelphia isn’t the best city we, as a country, has to offer. I AIN’T LISTENING! Just get a load of this guy!

And also this guy! Who...I’m pretty sure is a different guy.

Anyways, the Sixers are looking good this year and so are the Bucks. Kawhi Leonard is in LA now, so Philly and Milwaukee could meet in the Eastern Conference Finals pretty easily. I, for one, am excited.

Biggest weakness: This is a good tweet.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: Overall 20th, Offense 30th, Defense 22nd, Special Teams 13th

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Middle Tennessee State, 48-3

Biggest strength: Yup, this tracks.

Just look at that push! God, the Big Ten is just the best sometimes. It is usually the worst, but then Nate Stanley sneaks for 10 yards and all seems right with the world for the moment.

The Hawkeyes just keep plugging away and beating teams by big margins. Toren Young ran 11 times for 131 yards, Tyler Goodson ran 12 times for 97 yards and Mekhi Sargent ran 14 times for 91 yards and a TD.

Biggest weakness: I mean, Iowa DOES suck but...c’mon man. Put your sign the right way, you dingus.

Yeah, well, 86% of Alabama’s backups are NFL starters now so Iowa ain’t that impressive.

This weekend’s game against Michigan will be a narrative setter for the rest of the season for each team. Either way, it’s going to be hilarious.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 19 Michigan, 11:00 a.m. CST, FOX

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: Overall 33rd, Offense 14th, Defense 67th, Special Teams 96th

Last week’s results: (W) at Purdue, 38-31

Biggest strength: This man is too big. That shouldn’t be allowed.

Sweet merciful heavens did Tanner Morgan have a good game against what Purdue keeps claiming is a FBS secondary. I just need to write it out to try and fully comprehend it: Morgan went 21-of-22 for 396 yards and four touchdowns. Those are some Big XII numbers, boy.

I do not know what to make of this Minnesota team. They should be 2-2 at best and probably should be 1-3...and yet? Here they sit at 4-0 with a pretty high likelihood of being 7-1 or 8-0. I DON’T GET IT!

Rashod Bateman had six catches for 177 yards and two touchdowns. Some NFL team is going to be very happy when they draft him.

Biggest weakness: Well, Purdue fans, what do you have to say for yourselves?

Is Purdue Pete making you stand in the aisles? You don’t have to listen to him just because he’s a veteran and carries a sledgehammer.

Imagine getting a branded birthday post with your spouse’s nonsense work hashtags and catchphrases on it. Heather Fleck must be the most patient and understanding woman in the whole world.

Allowed Purdue, who had already lost their starting quarterback, their best defensive player (earlier in the season) and their best overall player, back into the game by giving up 14 fourth quarter points.

If I may repeat myself: I do NOT get this team at all

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST, BTN

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: Overall 39th, Offense 33rd, Defense 53rd, Special Teams 124th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. No. 5 Ohio State, 48-7

Biggest strength: Self-evaluation. Where they happen to be is nowhere good. They are at an ATM at 3:15 on Sunday morning.

You have been subscribed to #ScottFrostFacts.

Look at these fucking insufferable, holier-than-thou, losers!

On what planet is trying to score more points IN THE FIRST HALF “classless?” Just because your team was getting it’s dicks kicked in all damn night doesn’t mean they are “classier” than the team doing the dick kicking. Nebraska sucks and they are going to be on the receiving end of a beatdown now and then. Don’t bring your faux righteous outrage into it because you’re sad that the only thing in your life that has meaning is suddenly meaningless. Get a hobby. Christ.

What if I told you that everyone who cheers for Nebraska is a haughty dipshit that probably thinks the black players on the team have gotten too “uppity” these days, especially with their music? They are.

Adrian Martinez ran for 81 yards and didn’t lose the one fumble he had.

Biggest weakness: I wonder where Gabrielle Union and Dwyane Wade have to go for Taco Tuesday?

It’s kinda weird that LeBron’s sister and brother got married if we’re being honest.

I wonder if it worked?

Evergreen tweet.

Come to Nebraska and help us lose to Ohio State by 20 next time!

Adrian Martinez threw for 47 yards and three picks.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: Overall 69th (nice), Offense 123rd, Defense 11th, Special Teams 76th

Last week’s results: (L) at No. 8 Wisconsin, 24-15

Biggest strength: What the fuck does this even mean?

Pat Fitzgerals is somehow just as annoying as PJ Fleck is when giving press conferences. Don’t be a combative asshole, Fitz, and maybe people will cut you some slack when your offense manages to score negative points. Which they almost did on Saturday, barely beating the Wisconsin defense 15-14.

Travis Whillock had 13 tackles and a sack. JJ Jefferson picked off a Jack Coan pass for Coan’s first INT of the year.

Biggest weakness: If you made this into a drinking game I hope you are finally not hungover.

That is...not a lot of passing yards to have near the end of the third quarter.

Maybe jail both Fitzgerald and McCall?

Two quarterbacks combined to go 18-for-41 for 158 yards with one TD and one pick. As a team, they ran for 97 yards on 41 carries. But it’s cell phones that are the reason no one wants to come to Evanston and moribund Ryan Field at 11 a.m. to watch you take on Eastern Michigan.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 3:00 p.m. CST, FOX

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: Overall 63rd, Offense 20th, Defense 105th, Special Teams 48th

Last week’s results: (L) vs. Minnesota, 38-31

Biggest strength: Jack “The Snack” Plummer came in for the injured Sindelar and tossed two touchdowns and two picks (electric stuff!) for 245 yards. David Bell tried to fill in for Moore by catching eight passes for 114 yards.

It was a big week for B1G fans pondering the meaning of life while their football team was losing.

Biggest weakness: Thankfully the injury to Official Crush of The B1G Roast, Rondale Moore, appears to be less severe than the GIF below would have you believe. Elijah Sindelar’s bad luck continues though, as he’ll be out for a while with a broken collarbone. Hopefully they both get well as soon as possible. Because, yeah...Purdue’s season may be over already.

Purdue’s pass defense is really, truly, 100% awful. Their pass offense wasn’t much to write home about either.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 12 Penn State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPN

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: Overall 8th, Offense 28th, Defense 1st (!!!), Special Teams 127th (!!!)

Last week’s results: (W) vs. Northwestern, 24-15

Biggest strength: The Badgers defense is so freaking good. I am horny on Main for them. Chris Orr, Jack Sanborn, the defensive line, the safeties, the cornerbacks, basically every one of them. I want all of them to be recognized as the royalty that they are.

Way to support local businesses, Chris Orr.

This is the best thing I saw on the internet over the weekend.

Biggest weakness: Glad we could help spur creativity in others, because the Badgers offense sure didn’t have any amirite guys????

The special teams is atrocious, except for kickoffs, and needs major work.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Kent State, 11:00 a.m. CST, ESPNU