The B1G Roast: Corn and Crab

I don’t know about y’all, but if I was making a B1G basketball power rankings this week Rutgers—yes, that Rutgers—would be ahead of four or five teams! They have won two games in a row and play the rolling dumpster fire, aka the Indiana Hoosiers, tomorrow. I’m all in on Rutgers. Let’s go win the Big Ten, Scarlet Knights!

CATCH THE FEVER!

It is the Super Bowl on Sunday and I, like all red-blooded Americans, will again be cheering with all my heart for Tom Brady to be sad. God, the Patriots are just the worst. I hope the Rams win on a double-doink field goal that ends up going in. That would be delicious.

I see nothing but facts.

All KenPom rankings are as of Jan. 29, 2019

Nebraska Cornhuskers

KenPom.com rankings: 17th overall; 21st offense, 36th defense

Notable wins: At Clemson (No. 51 KenPom) and, uh, at Indiana (No. 44 KenPom)? As always, we are unsure if Indiana is good or trash. Since they’ve lost six in a row the arrow is leaning heavily towards “trash.”

Hilarious losses: At Rutgers (No. 99 KenPom)

Record: 13-7 overall, 3-6 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: I don’t know what to make of this team. At the beginning of the season, I thought they’d be a Top 25 team that would have no problem making the NCAA Tournament. Now they’ve lost to Rutgers and an Ohio State team that was on a five-game losing streak (including one to Rutgers!) and lost their second-leading scorer in Isaac Copeland Jr. They kind of have to win this game tonight, and are favored to do so by both Vegas and KenPom, but will they? I sure don’t know!

Their social media person should be banned from Twitter for making me dizzy.

Biggest weaknesses: Copeland Jr. tore his ACL against aOSU last week and his career in Lincoln is over. That is sad because he is a good player. He is leading the team in effective field goal percentage and true shooting percentage so his loss is a big one for the Huskers.

Tanner Borchardt sounds like the name of a kid that would’ve beaten me up in middle school. I hope he scores zero points tonight for what he would’ve done to me!

MATTHEW MCNNAUAHEY AND SKUP BAYLES!

When do they play Wisconsin?: Tonight, 7 p.m. CT, BTN; Pinnacle Bank Arena (Lincoln, Neb.)

Maryland Terrapins

KenPom.com rankings: 22nd overall; 19th offense, 47th defense

Notable wins: Nebraska (No. 17 KenPom), Wisconsin (No. 12 KenPom) and at Ohio State (No. 31 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: Illinois at Madison Square Garden (No. 79 KenPom)

Record: 16-5 overall, 7-3 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: Well, for one, they’ve already beaten Wisconsin once this season. However, that game was in College Park, and Friday’s game is in Madison where the Badgers rarely lose. The Terps have lost two in a row heading into their game on Tuesday with Northwestern, and after playing at Wisconsin they have a brutal stretch of at Nebraska, home versus Purdue, at Michigan and at Iowa. Woof. If they want to stay in the thick of the conference race they’re going to need a big week.

Coach Turgeon isn’t mad, this is actually funny to him.

(He isn’t wrong though ... B1G refs DO suck)

Biggest weaknesses: What on God’s green earth is going on here?

Spider-Man? Is Peter Parker a Terps fan? He’s from Queens, so he’s probably more of a Rutgers guy (NYC’s B1G team and all), and he’s a nerd so he’d probably be cheering for Northwestern tonight anyways. Like, I get it that both Spider-Man and Maryland have red as a color but ... that’s it. The Justice League’s lamest character, Cyborg, is from Baltimore. Why not use that drip instead?

When do they play Wisconsin?: Friday, 8 p.m. CT, FS1; Kohl Center (Madison, Wis.)

Wisconsin Badgers

KenPom.com rankings: 13th overall, 30th offense, 10th defense

Notable wins: Oklahoma (No. 33 KenPom), N.C. State (No. 32 KenPom), at Iowa (No. 29 KenPom), Michigan (No. 5 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: At Western Kentucky (No. 130 KenPom) ((This loss just continues to get more mystifying!))

Record: 14-6 overall, 6-3 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: Wouldn’t a White Out mean that you’d wear anything but white? Like, you are getting the white out? Maybe I’m thinking about this too much.

Whatever your thoughts are on white outs, you have to admit that the weather here in the Midwest has been, shall we say, unpleasant. I’m worried that my daughter, who is extremely tiny, may ruin everything in my entire house since we can’t really leave because the girl won’t wear a jacket. She’s like the one guy in college that you knew who wore shorts all winter, but I actually like her.

Biggest weaknesses: The Badgers seem to be back on track after a rough start to 2019. New year, new Badgers. Wisconsin is entering its most difficult part of the schedule though, with three of the next four on the road all against teams in KenPom’s Top 25 (except for Minnesota, but they’ve already beaten Wisconsin and this game is at The Barn). Getting through this four game stretch at 2-2 would be good. 3-1? Outstanding. 0-4? Well, there’s always next year I suppose.

We need to discuss Ethan Happ for a quick second. He had another triple-double last weekend, which is amazing, but what is more amazing is that he is 10th (!!!!!!) in the nation in assist rate. HE IS SIX FOOT TEN, PEOPLE! And he passes like motherfucking Steve Nash! I know Happ isn’t exactly what NBA teams are looking for but someone is going to find a spot for him on their team and be very happy with the backup minutes he provides.

I mean, if this guy can play in the NBA, why can’t Happ (who has never slipped and fallen on a warmup shirt, I might add)?

When do they play these schools from flyover country and swampier D.C.?: Tonight and Friday. Figure it out.