The B1G Roast: Land of Lincoln Edition

The only good thing that comes from the Internet is learning about strangers’ Food Takes and then using that information in order to tell if you should trust them. Our friend and Corgi Haver, @actioncookbook, is someone you should not trust. Not now. Not ever.

This absolute madman! He is out here setting the internet aflame and cackling like The Joker. He is right about Cincinnati being a part of the South, though. The Midwest wants nothing to do with Cincy, the Bengals, Skyline or William Howard Taft.

CHILI SLANDER!

(pineapple belongs on pizza tho ... i am not taking questions)

All KenPom rankings are as of Jan. 23, 2019

Illinois Fighting Illini

KenPom.com rankings: 91st overall; 120th offense, 86th defense

Notable wins: Minnesota (No. 62 KenPom) and, uh, East Tennessee State (No. 74 KenPom)?

Hilarious losses: Georgetown (No. 103 KenPom) and Florida Atlantic (No. 190 KenPom)

Record: 5-13 overall, 1-6 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: Existential crises.

These jerseys are dope and I hope the Illini are actually wearing them tonight.

There, uh, isn’t a whole lot that has gone right for the Illini basketball team this ... decade. However! True freshman guard Ayo Dosunmu is an exciting and good player who is averaging 19.8 points per game over his last five. Dosumnu can pass the rock too and has the 14th best assist rate in the Big Ten during conference play. Your dad’s country club buddy, Kipper Nichols, is still around and a 7’0 man named Adonis De La Rosa from the Bronx is on the team now. WHAT A NAME!

That’s it. That’s all the cool stuff about Illinois.

Biggest weaknesses: Defense. Their defense is frighteningly bad. They also foul a lot, which may work in their favor against Wisconsin come to think of it. Their presumed starting center is freshman Giorgi Bezhanishvili, and according to The Champaign Room, he has been quite the revelation.

I, as an old-ass hater, will never trust a basketball player with “vili” at the end of their name after thinking that Nikoloz Tskitishvili would be a dominant NBA center for the Denver Nuggets in 2002. YOU WERE DRAFTED FIFTH OVERALL!

Ugh, I am such a sucker for seven-foot Eastern Bloc hoopers. I may have a problem.

New year ... same Illini.

When do they play Wisconsin?: Tonight, 8 p.m. CT, BTN; State Farm Center (Champaign, Ill.)

Northwestern Wildcats

KenPom.com rankings: 57th overall; 105th offense, 38th defense

Notable wins: Indiana (No. 39 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: None really, but they’ve lost to all of the good teams they’ve played except for the aforementioned Indiana who, well, may not be a good team.

Record: 12-7 overall, 3-5 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: Vic Law! I LOVE VIC LAW! I have since he was a high school senior and he’s finally turned into the dominant wing I knew he could be. <3 u forever, Vic. This is a nice story about Aaron Falzon. I hope he continues to play well.

Got ‘em!

Goodness, NU straight up skewered IU on the barbecue this week!

Biggest weaknesses: Northwestern ain’t beat nobody and barely played anybody. After stomping Indiana this week their next best wins are over Georgia Tech (No. 82 KenPom) and Illinois (No. 91, we’ve already established is not good KenPom). They did take Oklahoma to overtime, so that’s, uh, something!

Why is this the abbreviation for Northwestern on KenPom?

NWRN? Did someone have a stroke while typing their actual name when caps lock was on? I don’t get it and I also don’t like it.

Go Bulls!

When do they play Wisconsin?: Saturday, 1:15 p.m. CT, BTN; Kohl Center (Madison, Wis.)

Wisconsin Badgers

KenPom.com rankings: 13th overall, 30th offense, 10th defense

Notable wins: Oklahoma (No. 28 KenPom), N.C. State (No. 31 KenPom), at Iowa (No. 24 KenPom), Michigan (No. 6 KenPom)

Hilarious losses: At Western Kentucky (No. 124 KenPom) ((This loss just continues to get more mystifying.))

Record: 12-6 overall, 4-3 Big Ten

Biggest strengths: I’ve done it y’all! I finally found the first bad dog on the internet.

Ok, ok ... I take it back. This dog is still good. He just isn’t a very good basketball analyst.

The Badgers finally broke out of their five-game slump with an excellent performance against the formerly undefeated Michigan Wolverines and I, for one, am happy about that. My uncle went to Michigan and he still hasn’t texted me since the game ended. I may not hear from him again until my birthday (which is in August if you’re planning on buying me a beer).

Ethan Happ was masterful against Michigan, and I can’t say enough about the team’s defense against Ignas Brazdeikis who, you may remember, scored just as many points as you did in the game. IMO, if Happ keeps up his 7:1 assist:turnover ratio for the rest of the season, the Badgers will be hard to beat.

Biggest weaknesses: I don’t know what this quote was in reference to, but I have a number of questions anyway.

Does head coach Greg Gard regularly host cookouts at his home? Even in this weather? Why wouldn’t the starters get extra hamburgers? Don’t they need more energy?

Is the whole team invited to the cookout? Can I come to the next one? I was Grill Master, the only leadership position (outside of Early Afternoon Beer Procurer Instead of Class Attender) they would allow me to occupy, in my fraternity so I know my way around a grill. I think Kobe King should get more hamburgers than Khalil Iverson. What sort of toppings do you think Gard provides? Is relish too fancy for him? Probably. Anywho, I’ll see you at the next cookout, Greg!

Look, the Badgers have been losing a lot of their impressive streaks this year. I think the bad juju only has an adverse effect at home though ... so we should be good tonight.

::crosses fingers and toes::

When do they play these schools from Not Chicago?: Tonight and Saturday. Did you not read the above parts of the article? Jesus.