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The B1G Roast: Ban Rutgers From Everything—Nebraska Too, Just To Be Safe

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Hell, might as well throw Minnesota in the trash too.

Nebraska v Michigan
There were A LOT of pictures with Nebraska players falling over to choose from this week.
Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Fall weather is the best, and if you disagree, you are wrong. I wore light sweatpants and a vest today, and it was glorious. The epitome of comfort and style. I might just go sit outside and write the rest of this column there!

/goes outside

Gah, there are still a bunch of dumb bugs out there. Outside is the worst. Let’s get right to the worst conference in the land!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 45th overall, 84th offense, 19th defense, 67th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 24 Michigan State, 35–21

Biggest strength: IU kept its streak of being the B1G’s “Chaos Team” alive by hanging around and giving MSU trouble before eventually losing by double digits. Marcelino Ball had two sacks and the Hoosiers forced four turnovers (+2 on the day) but that didn’t really seem to matter.

Whop Philyor, who had 13 catches for 148 yards, is fast.

Biggest weakness: Large Adult Son Stevie Scott finally faced some adversity and ran for 18 yards on 11 carries. Woof. Peyton Ramsey ran for 13 yards on 18 carries, so it could’ve been worse, Stevie!

The loss to MSU is in the rearview mirror, though. It’s Rivalry Week now!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11 a.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 61st overall, 76th offense, 54th defense, 10th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Minnesota, 42–13

Biggest strength: HOLY CRAP! SO #NICE!

The Terps absolutely clobbered Minnesota on Saturday. Maryland averaged 8.5 yards per carry, led by Anthony “Has To Be Nicknamed Booger” McFarland’s 112 yards on six carries and Ty Johnson’s 123 yards on 11 carries. Tino Ellis had five (!!) passes defended. Maryland had zero turnovers and forced three. They also had 10 penalties, which seems like kind of a lot. Lastly, the Terps benefited from some high-level coaching.

Biggest weakness: I hope that Jordan McNair’s family is able to find peace.

I also hope that D.J. Durkin never works in football or with kids again.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 5th overall, 24th offense, 4th defense, 7th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Nebraska, 56–10 (OMGGGGGGG)

Biggest strength: 39–0. That was the score at halftime. I wish I knew more Nebraska fans in real life. I’ve never seen someone’s face melt before, and I think showing a Huskers fan the highlights of this game just might do it.

::cues Trick Daddy::

Karan Higdon rushed for 136 yards and a touchdown (all in the first half) and FULLBACK BEN MASON HAD THREE TOUCHDOWNS ON SIX CARRIES! The Big Ten has no idea what decade it is and I, for one, love it.

Biggest weakness: Letting Nebraska score 10 points in a half is pretty pathetic.

I ... what? Who could possibly want this? STAY TUNED NEXT AS MIKE LUCAS WILL BE GIVING AWAY A GAME-WORN SHRED OF ANTTAJ HAWTHORNE’S SOCKS!

Khaleke Hudson was ejected for targeting for the second straight game. He only played in half of this game; I shudder to think what will happen when he plays in a full game again.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Northwestern, 3:30 p.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 18th overall, 33rd offense, 20th defense, 27th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Indiana, 35–21

Biggest strength: Held human battering ram Stevie Scott and his ineffectual teammates to 29 rushing yards all game. Shakur Brown had a #nice pick-six.

Quarterback Brian “I Will Never Be Sure If He Is Good Or Just Average” Lewerke caught a six-yard pass, lost six yards rushing, fumbled twice (losing one), and threw two touchdowns and two picks. SEE?!?! You don’t know either!

Biggest weakness: Turned the ball over four freaking times! That kinda shit won’t fly against, well, probably any other team in the conference not named Rutgers, Illinois, Minnesota, Nebr...OK, maybe it’ll fly against a lot of teams. The B1G has some REALLY BAD teams this year. Outside of Jalen Nailor’s 75-yard run, the Spartans only rushed for 56 yards on 39 carries (1.4 YPC, for all you math majors out there). That is not very good Big Ten-ing, MSU.

College football is fun!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Central Michigan, 11 a.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 2nd overall, 2nd offense, 18th defense, 40th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Tulane, 49–6

Biggest strength: Dwayne Haskins played one half, had three incompletions, and threw five touchdowns. He also threw for 304 yards in that one half.

Parris Campbell caught eight passes for 147 yards and two TDs.

The only irredeemable thing about LeBron James is the fact that he is an unabashed Buckeyes supporter. I guess he’s on the Lakers now; that’s pretty terrible too. This seems as good a time as any to bring back Drew’s NBA Corner!

Biggest weakness: Did y’all see Shaq ROAST Dwight Howard!

With a secondary roast on Barkley! Shaq is a champion roaster for a reason, little man. In other Big Man Beef (aka BMB), my son Joel Embiid let Deandre Ayton know he, uh, ain’t shit yet.

Oh, we’re gonna need to go back and check on the human reactions chip for Kawhi Leonard.

That is NOT a human laugh. That is terrifying. I wonder if Leonard has ever been to a comedy club? Do you think the comedian just walked off stage after Leonard laughed at one of his jokes, thinking there was some sort of Terminator robot there to murder him? Jimmy Butler wants to get traded to, well, anyone, it kind of seems, although the Heat are the new frontrunners.

Doesn’t LeBron just look WEIRD in a Lakers jersey? Why aren’t Kyle Kuzma’s hands behind his back? Only LeBron is allowed to do something different with his hands! I hear there are already locker-room problems in LA!

Oh, I guess Nick “Bad Takes” Bosa is out for a while. He’ll still get drafted pretty high, fret not for him.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 9 Penn State, 6:30 p.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 6th overall, 5th offense, 22nd defense, 96th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Illinois, 63–24

Biggest strength: Despite being down 24–21 in the third quarter, PSU’s win expectancy never fell below 69.5 percent on the night. Miles Sanders ran for 200 yards and three touchdowns while backup Ricky Slade (which is just an EXCELLENT name and I’m not really sure why but I just want to hang out with a guy named “Ricky Slade”) ran for 94 yards and two TDs. SPEAKING OF NAMES! A freshman WR named Mac Hippenhammer caught a 44-yard pass at some point. MAC HIPPENHAMMER! Our main man Jan Johnson had a pick.

Biggest weakness:

J. Cole went platinum with no features. What have you ever done, James Franklin?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 4 Ohio State, 6:30 p.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 118th overall, 125th offense, 83rd defense, 21st special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Buffalo, 42–13

Biggest strength: Come on, I am NOT talking about this game. Are you serious?

I finished watching that Jack Ryan show on Amazon Prime last week and I thought it was really good! It was strange watching Jim from The Office turn into an action hero, and I did keep waiting for him to look at the camera after yelling about how they needed better intelligence on Suleiman, but he acquitted himself nicely.

/puts terrorist’s stapler in Jell-o

Ali Suliman, who played the terrorist Suleiman, was a real revelation to me. He is an excellent actor and made me sympathize with his character more than I probably should have. Anyway, check it out. Amazon Prime has a lot of cool stuff to watch if you get bored of Netflix and Hulu.

/takes earpiece out //turns off camera

Alright, Bezos, give me my fucking money.

Biggest weakness:

If I’m understanding this correctly, and I think I am, Delaware State is a better recruiting team than Rutgers and should replace the Scarlet Knights in the B1G. We need that coveted Rehobeth Beach television market!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 11 a.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 102nd overall, 82nd offense, 103rd defense, 23rd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 10 Penn State, 63–24

Biggest strength: Oh boy, Illinois. That was about as brutal a beatdown as you can receive. Beating PSU in the third quarter, then giving up a touchdown but only being down four heading into the fourth, and then BOOM! Penn State scores 35 points in the fourth quarter and you score fucking zero. Illini Super Bowl coming up in two weeks!

Biggest weakness: Optimism.

It’s fine, Illinois just isn’t very good. The Illini had no chance to beat Penn State and the fact that they did so for over a half is a good thing. But, uh, if they lose to Rutgers ... it might be time to shut the whole thing down.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 31st overall, 92nd offense, 8th defense, 68th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 18 Wisconsin, 28–17

Biggest strength: Tight end T.J. Hockenson was unguardable in between the 20s and better tight end Noah Fant was unguardable in the red-zone. The defensive line was good, but seemed to wear down in the second half. I hate watching games against Iowa because I feel like Wisconsin is the better team every time they play, but the games are always close and if one or two things went differently, then Iowa would win. I hate that feeling ... and I hate Iowa.

Still love The Wave, Iowa. It’s a great tradition!

Biggest weakness:

NCAA Football: Wisconsin at Iowa
HOOK IT TO MY VEINS
Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

This week’s opponent: BYE

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 65th overall, 113th offense, 16th defense, 8th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Maryland, 42–13

Biggest strength: Scheduling tweets.

They are also very good at starting babies at quarterback.

“This is how failing is growth,” Fleck said after the game. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?! WHY MUST YOU SPEAK IN RIDDLES????????? Kicker Emmit Carpenter continued his impressive season.

Biggest weakness: The only exciting and potentially relevant thing about Gophers football this year is now over. First Rodney Smith and now Winfield? I hope the boat they’re all rowing is heavily padded moving forward.

The Gophers gave up 315 yards rushing and turned the ball over thrice. Just imagine what will happen when Jonathan Taylor gets ahold of them!

Fuck cancer.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 72nd overall, 67th offense, 79th defense, 92nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 19 Michigan, 56-10 (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL)

Biggest strength: LOL, apparently the reason Michigan took Nebraska to the woodshed was because two years ago Scott Frost said that his UCF team “outhit” Michigan while losing 51-14! The Wolverines were still pissed about that and took it out on poor, poor Nebraska. “Physicality, we got whipped,” Frost acknowledged after the game. Nebraska has given up 50+ points in four straight B1G games (including against Minnesota and Iowa), which I had noted, but The Athletic’s Chris Vannini brings it to the next level by mentioning that the Blackshirts have given up 199+ rushing yards in EIGHT STRAIGHT CONFERENCE GAMES! If you are supposed to “earn” your Blackshirt on defense shouldn’t all Nebraska defenders be playing shirtless? Nebraska is 0-3 for the first time since World War II ended. Two quarterbacks combined to throw for under 100 yards in a game their team lost by 46 points. The rushing attack averaged 1.3 yards per carry.

Dicaprio Bootle had five (the second guy to do this in the B1G this week!!) passes defended. Admittedly, he probably had ample opportunities as Michigan passes were raining down near his head.

Biggest weakness: Plz allow Twitter to take it from here.

This last man has had his Twitter account hacked by some sort of sexbot, or maybe he is pretending to be a sexbot, but he’s taking time off from telling you to “sign up now to see pics” to lecture a fast food restaurant about class. @johncbarber is America. Go Big Red!

“We’re really going to find out who loves football and who loves each other and who is going to band together,” Frost said. I hope this season ends with all walk-ons from North Platte starting for Nebraska.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 60th overall, 97th offense, 27th defense, 115th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: My daughter thinks that it is hilarious when my wife or I shout “KOBE!”

She does not know what it’s from, because she’s 1.5 years old, but she laughs nonetheless. I thought maybe she just thought all great basketball player’s names were hilarious so I tried some others out. I shouted “LEBRON” and “JORDAN” and she just stared blankly back at me. I can’t believe I’m raising someone who is going to yell in comment sections about how Kobe is better than both of those guys. Smdh. I’ve failed as a father already.

Biggest weakness: Her other current favorite thing to do is take her play stroller out on our walks to the park. She usually puts a stuffed animal in there, most recently it has been Penny the Penguin, and a snack or her water bottle. When we get to the top of the hill by the park she likes to get a running start and let the stroller go to see if I can catch it while making sure she doesn’t get hit by a car.

I’m raising a Kobe stan Andy Dwyer. Eh, could be worse.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 14 Michigan, 3:30 p.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 46th overall, 39th offense, 62nd defense, 95th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 23 Boston College, 30-13

Biggest strength: PURDUE BEAT A RANKED TEAM! HOLY CRAP! Kansas, Illinois and Rutgers are the only teams who had a longer streak of losing to ranked teams than Purdue. Can we talk about Rondale Moore for a minute?

He had eight catches for 110 yards and two touchdowns against BC. He has 33 receptions on the year for 372 yards and four TDs while also rushing for 132 yards and a touchdown. He makes me want to be a better man with how good he is at football while being so, so tiny. David Blough played pretty well too, I guess.

Biggest weakness:

I had every intention of making this into a Gritty Appreciation Blog and held off until almost the end to do so. LOOK AT THIS GUY!

Philadelphia is the greatest city for sports mascots and I will not be hearing arguments at this time. Gritty, The Phillie Phanatic, the St. Joe’s Hawk and the Wawa Hoagie! You just can’t beat them. I’m all in on Gritty and can’t wait to see what hilarious shenanigans he gets up to this season.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 2:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 12th overall, 11th offense, 45th defense, 36th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Iowa, 28-17

Biggest strength: Resilience. Alex Hornibrook. Taiwan Deal. Jake Ferguson. Olive Sagapolu. Jonathan Taylor. Special Teams. Alec Ingold. T.J. Edwards. Winning the turnover battle. Third down conversions. The offensive line.

This was a really important win for Wisconsin and a lot of different players stepped up to snatch a win in Iowa City at night. The total yards in this game were 415-404 in Wisconsin’s favor. The first downs were tied at 19. The Badgers forced three turnovers and Iowa forced zero. There is the difference in the game, my friends.

Well that...and also this. I kid you not, I opened my first Wisconsin beer (I had a few beers before this from Minnesota) mere seconds (my wife was shouting at me to hurry up and find the bottle opener) before Garrett Groshek picked up that first down. New Glarus Staghorn was the main key to victory and I think we should all chug one this weekend in honor of the victory over Iowa.

Biggest weakness: Couldn’t cover tight ends. Had a lot of penalties. I don’t know man. I don’t want to be too negative coming off a big win and heading into the bye week.

Look at fucking Birkenstocks’ “W” here. Get it together, man.

This week’s opponent: BYE