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The B1G Roast: Oh no, the Big Ten sucks again!

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Why yes, I will be quoting from Adam Sandler’s The Waterboy this week.

Michigan State v Arizona State Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

You know what’s funny? The Waterboy came out before most of the kids in college were born. WHATCHU KNOW ABOUT THE SOUTH CENTRAL LOUISIANA STATE UNIVERSITY MUD DOGS AND COACH THE FONZ!?!?! I guess that’s not really funny. I don’t know ... I’ve never been good with jokes.

My daughter has been sick for the last few days and my wife and I are getting very little sleep, so I’m going to keep this intro nice and short: Kansas beat another FBS team on Saturday and is favored to beat Rutgers in Lawrence this Saturday. That’s really all you need to know about how Week 2 of college football went.

Let’s get to the crappiest conference in college football!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 44th overall, 78th offense, 25th defense, 114th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Virginia, 20–16

Biggest strength: True freshman running back Stevie Scott ran for 204 yards and one touchdown while replacing the top two backs, who were out with a suspension and an injury, respectively.

Only a dude with thighs and arms like that can get away with being called “Stevie” as an adult and not get a wedgie. My man is 6’2 and 236 pounds of pure, rocket-fueled bowling ball. There are myriad reasons why I never played organized football, but trying to tackle someone like him is near the top of the list. Also, I think Tom Allen has a crush on him.

“He’s our biggest, strongest back. He has huge hands, he’s really naturally strong and that helps with ball security,” coach Tom Allen said. “You saw a guy grow up in front of all of us tonight.”

The defense allowed under 300 yards.

Biggest weakness: IU had two kicks blocked by the Cavaliers and also didn’t score a single point in the second half, but I’m sure neither of those two things will be a problem against the Buckeyes and Nittany Lions of the world. I want to go on record as having changed the front left headlight on my car all by myself (with YouTube’s help, of course—I meant no human help) and it made me feel like a big man. MAYBE I COULD TACKLE STEVIE SCOTT AFTER ALL!

/tweaks calf getting up from desk to grab another grapefruit sparkling water

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Ball State, 11 a.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 52nd overall, 41st offense, 70th defense, 66th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Bowling Green, 45–14

Biggest strength: Coming off the traditional Week 1 warm-up game, Maryland came out a bit slowly against overmatched Bowling Green and was down 14–10 heading into the third quarter. The third quarter was when things, uh, took a turn for BGSU. Maryland scored 35 unanswered points and ended the game outrushing the Falcons 444–15. It could have been worse, BGSU!

Maryland had four players rush for more than 68 yards, two of them went over 100, four players had a rush of 30+ yards, and four scored touchdowns. Isaiah Davis had 10 tackles and two sacks, but nobody cared because Maryland was too busy RUNNING. THE. DANG. BALL!

Biggest weakness: The Terps had one less penalty than the Falcons had rushing yards, so that’ll need to be cleaned up heading into conference play. Maryland is tied for the most penalty yards in the country and one off the lead for most penalties committed. Matt Canada’s team is the football equivalent of me eating gummy worms: no discipline.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Temple, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 9th overall, 52nd offense, 3rd defense, 69th special teams (nice!)

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Western Michigan, 49–3

Biggest strength: Rashan Gary had a sack and Shea Patterson didn’t throw an interception. The rushing attack was potent with Chris Evans and Karan Higdon having good games. Whatever, Michigan, sweet win against Western Michigan. It’s only impressive if it’s in the Cotton Bowl and they’re undefeated. Let’s talk about this dude who plays for WMU instead.

Dylan Deatherage is a 6’4, 290-pound redshirt freshman offensive lineman. He is from Kankakee, Ill., and is the son of Mike and Tina Deatherage. He is studying to become a ::squints at official WMU roster:: NURSE?!?!?! Imagine if your nurse’s last name was “Deatherage” and also the size of this man. Who is in charge of this hospital? Dr. Hugo Strange??

Biggest weakness: Completed a touchdown pass to a wide receiver for the first time in 364 days. That is almost crazier than the fact that Kentucky hadn’t beaten Florida since 1986 until Saturday.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. SMU, 2:30 p.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 28th overall, 35th offense, 40th defense, 27th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Arizona State, 16–13

Biggest strength: Cody White had nine catches for 113 yards and a touchdown, Brian Lewerke threw for over 300 yards, and Joe Bachie had 10 tackles and a sack. They also lost to a Herm Edwards-coached team in the year of our Lord 2018.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I don’t even care if that is taken out of context! #Herm4Heisman #Firm4Herm

Biggest weakness: Can you imagine losing to Arizona State in Tempe at the last second? Unrelated, but B1G teams are 0–10********** at ASU according to people that look up things like that—in this case, the Associated Press. MSU’s vaunted pass defense gave up 380 yards to Manny “The Snake” Wilkins. I’m assuming all ASU QBs get the nickname “The Snake” when they start their first game.

JK, dancing at any time on the field will always be a strength, especially when you are dancing while you probably should be doing something else, you know, football-related.

**********I think we all know why.

Some late-breaking MSU news: starting punter Jake Hartbarger is out six to eight weeks with a leg injury. Does Sparty have a backup plan? OF COURSE THEY DO AND OF COURSE IT MEANS THE BACKUP QB IS NOW THE STARTING PUNTER! #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G #B1G

Next week’s opponent: BYE

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 2nd overall, 2nd offense, 15th defense, 24th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Rutgers, 52–3

Biggest strength:

“It’s a whole lot of fun,” said Dwayne Haskins, “I want to run so many series, so many plays, that we ran out of time, and (were) up by so many points (that) we can’t do what we want.”

Plz stop, Rutgers is already dead.

Haskins and Tate Martell combined to go 30-for-33 for 354 yards and five touchdowns. Chase Young had two sacks and Nick “Siskel & Ebert” Bosa had one.

Biggest weakness: Let Rutgers score on them for the first time since 2015. If Urban Meyer doesn’t come back soon, Rutgers might score a touchdown against the Buckeyes!

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. #15 TCU, 7 p.m. CST, AT&T Stadium

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 15th overall, 21st offense, 35th defense, 82nd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Pitt, 51–6

Biggest strength: I think challenging a fumble with a minute left in the game while up by one million points is petty as hell, and as a fan of the NBA, I am totally cool with it. James Franklin? I am not a fan of him. HOWEVAH, I love sticking it to a team that thinks they’re your rival even though you don’t think about them except for one week of the year.

#WeAre ... PuntingToWin

A fun fact from The Athletic’s Chris Vannini: in the third quarter of this game, PSU’s defense scored two points and allowed negative two yards. Pitt ate so much shit on Saturday.

Biggest weakness: Trace McSorley completed under 50 [erce t of his passes. I get that it was raining, but Pitt’s QB completed 50 percent of his passes ... literally. This game must have been hell to watch if you’re a fan of a Big XII team.

So last week, I attended a masterclass tasting of cognac, calvados, and rhum agricole at a restaurant in Minneapolis. Three master distillers were there and everyone was speaking with a French accent and it was cool. I tasted a bunch of stuff that I normally wouldn’t have been able to, and working in a French restaurant, it was also quite educational for me. I obviously drove there and despite having something to drink, most likely less than two ounces of liquor over two hours, I was obviously going to drive home as well. I got on to the highway and started heading to my house, however the restaurant I was at was in a part of town I hadn’t been to before and I needed Google Maps to help me get home. As the Google box is telling me to do something, and I’m trying not to rear-end this cheese-dick in front of me who can’t even be bothered to go 10 MPH below the speed limit, a Minnesota state trooper zooms in right behind me and follows me for a heart-stopping five seconds before getting off at the upcoming exit. I’m sure, had I been pulled over, the officer would have loved my explanation of how I was just tasting rhum agricole for work and then arrested me for speaking in a foreign language.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Kent State, 11 a.m. CST

Rutger Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 101st overall, 116th offense, 52nd defense, 29th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. #4 Ohio State, 52–3

Biggest strength: Scored points against aOsu. GOOD WORK, GANG!

Biggest weakness: Two quarterbacks combined for 65 yards and two picks while the rushing attack combined for 69 yards (NICE!) and hopefully stopped trying to gain yards after hitting the sex number.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday at Kansas, 11 a.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 77th overall, 82nd offense, 77th defense, 11th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Western Illinois, 34–14

Biggest strength: You may think starting QB A.J. Bush getting injured is a weakness, but we now know that Lovie Smith knows what his job title is. “I’m coach Smith, not Dr. Smith,” he said after the game. I honestly sometimes wonder if Lovie knows he’s coaching football, so it’s great to hear it straight from his mouth.

Biggest weakness:

I’m pretty sure you can have that bar shut down and the Illinois fan jailed for life, but I’m not a lawyer.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. USF, 2:30 p.m. CST, Soldier Field

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 51st overall, 125th offense, 2nd defense, 34th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Iowa State, 13–3

Biggest strength: Another breathtaking installment of El Assico saw the Hawkeyes beat the Cyclones for the fourth straight year and the teams taking a 6–3 scoreline into the fourth quarter. That calls for a toast!

Biggest weakness: LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEIR OFFENSIVE AND DEFENSIVE S&P+ RANKINGS! Iowa is crazy, man.

NOW LOOK AT FRICKIN’ KIRK FERENTZ’S SALAD IN HIGH SCHOOL! I don’t have the words to describe how much Matt Campbell’s hair makes me want to stuff a nerd in a locker, but I bet he did a lot of that in high school.

For one glorious Saturday every year, Iowa State joins the B1G. Also, you may have noticed that the Iowa/Wisconsin game is officially scheduled for a nighttime kickoff. Could be a difficult game for the Badgers ... a very difficult game, even. #DrewWasRight

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northern Iowa, 6:30 p.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 49th overall, 92nd offense, 29th defense, 68th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Fresno State, 21–14

Biggest strength: Antoine Winfield Jr., is a bonkers, bananas football player and I hate that he plays for the Gophers because it makes the things he can do, like, 5 percent less impressive to me.

Yeah, nice catch, but can you mow your entire lawn before my daughter wakes up from her nap? Didn’t think so, bub! Because you don’t know where I live!

This guy (????) scored two more touchdowns for the Gophers.

This is Seth Green. Minnesota has a running back named that. This is not the running back. This is the actor from Can’t Hardly Wait. LOOK IT UP, YOUTHS!

Biggest weakness: Rodney Smith out for the season with a leg injury. Hopefully he’s granted a sixth year of eligibility by the NCAA, who have definitely never made the wrong call with these sort of cases.

“This is one of those wins that can do a lot for your season,” an emotional Fleck said.

I’m just saving this here so we can all come back and look at it when Minnesota misses a bowl.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Miami (OH), 2:30 p.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 29th overall, 30th offense, 42nd defense, 119th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Colorado, 33–28

Biggest strength: WHY CAN’T ALL OF NEBRASKA’S GAMES GET LIGHTNING’D OUT AND THEN THEY JUST TAKE A WIN IN CASE THEY LOSE TO COLORADO AND NEED THE FAKE WIN TO BECOME BOWL-ELIGIBLE?!?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!

The Cornhuskers lost fumbles on their first two possessions of the game and then lost their starting quarterback to a, alleged, dirty hit. On 3rd-and-24 with under two minutes to play, the Buffs were given an automatic first down after a pass sailed over their receiver’s head but he got DRILLED by a Nebraska defensive back, who got called for hitting a defenseless receiver.

Nebraska ran for 329 total yards and had two players rush for over 100. They are now 50–1 at home when two players rush for over 100 yards in the same game. No word on what their record is when Melvin Gordon runs for over 400 yards, by himself, against them.

The defense had seven sacks in the game. That’s pretty good!

Biggest weakness: See above.

There is a bakery right next to the bar at my restaurant and they do brisk business there every morning, but especially Saturdays and Sundays. This past Sunday, a man wearing a “THE U” t-shirt ordered a latte with FIVE SHOTS OF ESPRESSO in it. Our barista was like, “...uh, I don’t think it’s all going to fit in the cup.” Once you move to the suburbs, even if you went to Miami, you have to quit cocaine and find some other way to stay awake.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Troy, 11 a.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 72nd overall, 101st offense, 46th defense, 64th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Duke, 21–7

Biggest strength: Flynn Nagel caught 12 passes for 133 and Jeremy Larkin rushed for 121 yards and NU’s only points.

Biggest weakness: Northwestern’s nation-long win streak is FINALLY over. God, get over yourself, Wildcats.

I can’t believe Herm Edwards was watching this game before coaching Arizona State later in the day!

Neither team scored in the second half. Why do they even televise some of these games?

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Akron, 6:30 p.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 62nd overall, 54th offense, 82nd defense, 62nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Eastern Michigan, 20–19

Biggest strength: Eastern Michigan has now won two straight games against Big Ten teams and is angling to take somebody’s place when we finally switch to Pro/Rel in college football. Since the beginning of last season, the Eagles have the same number of B1G wins as Indiana, Maryland, and Minnesota, and MORE than Illinois. EMU is a middle-of-the-pack B1G West team and I’ll hear no arguments to the contrary.

Biggest weakness: I’m worried Coach Brohm didn’t think this one all the way through. He’s gonna be playing on the penalty kill A LOT for the rest of the season.

I really can’t wait for a Purdue player to line up in Mizzou’s backfield at the end of the game, on fourth down, and try to intercept the snap and then look miffed when he is called for offsides, allowing Mizzou a chance to win the game with no time left. CAN’T WAIT!

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Missouri, 6:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 7th overall, 17th offense, 14th defense, 9th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. New Mexico, 45–14

Biggest strength: Guess who leads the nation in rushing yards and rushing touchdowns? If you guessed Garrett Groshek, you might not have watched any college football this season! If you guessed Jonathan Taylor, you are a super-handsome genius. Guess who leads the nation in fumbles lost that haven’t caused any real damage because his team played New Mexico and Western Kentucky but have also made this writer want to throw his bowl of chips—and these are good chips too—on the ground? It’s, uh, also Jonathan Taylor.

A.J. Taylor had a great game. Alex Hornibrook looked fine. The defense put the clamps down and Scott Nelson and Madison Cone each had a pick. My beautiful, bouncing, Brazilian, baby boy continued his quest for the perfect kicking season. There wasn’t much to complain about on the field for the Badgers.

We have a lot of fullback hashtags at Wisconsin.

Biggest weakness: Off the field, more specifically in the broadcast booth, there was PLENTY about which to complain. Glen Mason was the color commentator and he had a tenuous grasp of both what was happening on the field and reality. He confused Jonathan and A.J. Taylor AND then also confused Taylor with Taiwan Deal; he said that Taylor had scored twice AGAINST Wisconsin; he wanted to know if “discombobulated” was actually a word; he gave New Jersey pizza (PUKE) a shoutout; and in reference to New Mexico’s play, he said, “Normally when things are going bad, they get worse.” Really inspirational, coach.

At least they gave Dotty’s a shoutout on air.

Christ, some of the clowns they let do the 11 a.m. games on BTN. Let sleep-deprived and hopefully half-in-the-bag me call the games!

Also, Bob knew what we were all going to say before we even said it.

Next week’s opponent: Saturday vs. BYU, 2:30 p.m. CST