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The B1G Roast: Bowl game previews

Only in New York, bay-bee!

NCAA Football: Pinstripe Bowl-Boston College vs Iowa
This is why we play!
Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

The Big Ten, a conference that contains 14 teams, has nine members participating in bowl season this year. I know this may come as a surprise to you, but Wisconsin is actually one of them! Crazy, right? Many at this here website are big time bowl marks, and I would probably count myself among them although I’m less invested in bowls featuring MAC and Sun Belt teams than I used to be. Bowls are fun for the players and fans, especially those of us from frigid, snow-covered upper Midwest states like Wisconsin and Minnesota.

::checks bowl schedule::

OH WHAT THE HELL!?!? Wisconsin is going to the Bronx and Minnesota is going to Detroit?!?!? Go screw forever, bowl tie-ins. At least since Wisconsin is playing Miami, there may not even be a second half since the Hurricane players will just stay in the locker room due to the weather.

It’s finally the time of the year where we don’t have to talk about Rutgers or Illinois football anymore, so let’s talk about the #good teams only. It’s time for a Bowl Roast!

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 26th overall, 63rd offense, 20th defense, 46th special teams

Bowl opponent: No. 18 Mississippi State, Outback Bowl, Jan. 1 at 11 a.m. CT (ESPN2)

Biggest strength: SB Nation’s own, Ryan Nanni was the Bloomin’ Onion Man at last year’s Outback Bowl.

And Bucky has befriended the Coconut Shrimp Lady before.

Basically, the Outback Bowl is one long advertisement for Outback Steakhouse and their incredible appetizers. Depending on which conference wins you, the lucky viewer at home, could win free apps! The SEC is usually the Bloomin’ Onion which is bullshit because that’s the better app of the two and I want free food but I don’t want to cheer for the SEC. Decisions, decisions.

Biggest weakness: I don’t know much about Mississippi State and I try to forget about Iowa constantly, but I hope these two teams play well and honor the mascot versions of deep fried Australian food. The hashtag for the game is #FootballInParadise.

That is a #cocoNUTS hashtag and should really include more food puns. I’m free during mornings, @outbackbowl.

Happy with bowl game location: Tampa Bay? Strip clubs, the beach, Bloomin’ Onions? Oh yeah, I’m all about Tampa. Except for the strip clubs. That’s not really my scene. However, eating a Bloomin’ Onion on the beach is about as sexy as it gets tbqh.

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 5th overall, 24th offense, 5th defense, 40th special teams

Bowl opponent: No. 10 Florida, Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl, Dec. 29 at 11 a.m. CT (ESPN)

Biggest strength: The defending national champs, UCF, were a favorite to play in this game against Florida but apparently the cowards who run the Peach Bowl wouldn’t make it happen. LET UCF BEAT EVERY TEAM IN FLORIDA AND THEN ALABAMA!

I had to look up who Hoss Brock was and this story from ESPN paints a picture of a wheelin’ and dealin’ Texan that kept the Cotton Bowl relevant throughout some lean years. I’ll always read a story about a man named “Hoss.”

Biggest weakness: This clown right here thinks it is disturbing that Rashan Gary is skipping the Peach Bowl.

You know what is actually disturbing, Dan? Not paying college football players.

Happy with bowl game location: Atlanta? This is a cool-ass city. Friendly southerners, preposterous traffic, Terrapin Beer, Outkast and Killer Mike? What’s not to like? If Michigan fans weren’t so loathsome I’d want to go check this game out.

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 35th overall, 114th offense, 2nd defense, 53rd special teams

Bowl opponent: Oregon, Redbox Bowl, Dec. 31 at 2 p.m. CST (FOX)

Biggest strength: What exactly is Redbox again? Is it the Netflix-like thing that is at grocery stores and train stations? It has something to do with movies, I know that much!

“Coming soon” and a popcorn emoji! I nailed it. If there was a movie about Michigan State football it would probably be that 127 Hours one where James Franco was trapped under a boulder and had to chew off his own arm, or whatever.

Biggest weakness: I think the Redbox Bowl needs to do a better job of marketing because there are a LOT of tweets like this one.

We’ll figure it out together, Erkki.

Happy with bowl game location: Santa Clara, Calif.? I don’t know how far away this stadium actually is from San Francisco but I’ve been led to believe it is basically on the moon. Enjoy your week in zero gravity, MSU!

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 58th overall, 88th offense, 44th defense, 25th special teams

Bowl opponent: Georgia Tech, Quick Lane Bowl, Dec. 26 at 4:15 p.m. CT (ESPN)

Biggest strength: You can thank Wisconsin for the Gophers being in a bowl this year. Their reward? Getting steam-rolled by the Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech’s triple-option offense. I, personally, can’t wait. Every bowl game Twitter account is trying to be like the Belk Bowl’s and none of them can really pull it off.

This isn’t a good tweet. The apostrophe isn’t even in the correct position in “didn’t” and there are three “.” in an ellipsis. Before you move on to Intro to Memes you should pass middle school grammar tbqh.

Biggest weakness: Why are Coach Fleck and Coach Johnson talking to this homeless man?

I bet he uses that pencil to protect the shopping cart that he lives in from other, aggressive hobos.

Happy with bowl game location: Detroit? Besides the crappy weather, which should still be better than the weather in Minneapolis, at this time of year I’ve been told Detroit is pretty cool. I don’t know, I haven’t been there in decades. The Lions suck.

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 80th overall, 103rd offense, 32nd defense, 122nd special teams

Bowl opponent: No. 17 Utah, San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl, Dec. 31 at 6 pm CST (FS1)

Biggest strength: Do you think Pat Fitzgerald will celebrate the new year after this game?

I always wonder what teams that play on NYE do to celebrate. Obviously not all the players are of legal drinking age, but do they get a small glass of bubbly anyways? I bet Fitzgerald doesn’t let anyone drink after the game because drinking is the REAL purest form of communism.

Biggest weakness: I will be following the responses to this tweet closely.

Happy with bowl game location: San Diego? San Diego rules. There is awesome beer, awesome fish tacos, the awesome Pacific Ocean and awesome weather all year. These nerds should be ecstatic.

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 7th overall, 4th offense, 37th defense, 35th special teams

Bowl opponent: No. 9 Washington, Rose Bowl Game presented by Northwestern Mutual, Jan. 1 at 4:10 p.m. CT (ESPN)

Biggest strength: The Grandaddy of Them All! The One That You Have To Add “Game” After “Bowl” Because Reasons! The Rose Bowl Game is awesome and is extra awesome this year because noted dirtbag, Urban Meyer, is “retiring” for now after the game.

Meyer, who is fully absolved of all of his past sins by Gus Johnson since aOsu had a good season, announced that he is stepping down after playing Washington due to his health. You may not remember, but this isn’t the first time Meyer has stepped away from football for medical reasons. He did the same thing at Florida less than a decade ago! I’m excited for Meyer to take over at Southern Cal or Florida State or whatever other Name School is looking for a coach in a year’s time.

Biggest weakness: It was also about always respecting women. Always. People forget that.

Fuck Urban Meyer with the thorniest bouquet of roses.

Happy with bowl game location: Pasadena, Calif.? A wonderful spot to watch a bowl game. There probably isn’t a prettier sight then watching the sun set over the mountains here during the second half. I attended the Rose Bowl Game against TCU and kissed my buddy [name redacted to protect him] after the game because we lost. My girlfriend at the time (now my wife) was unimpressed. Whatever. It was the ‘80s, who cares?

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 11th overall, 39th offense, 11th defense, 61st special teams

Bowl opponent: No. 14 Kentucky, VRBO Citrus Bowl, Jan. 1 at Noon CT (ABC)

Biggest strength: This is the sort of bowl game Twitter account shenanigans I can get behind.

I don’t even really get it, but I’m also a mark for Real Housewives content. If they went with Below Deck cast members my head might have exploded from excitement.

Biggest weakness: Man, I often forget that Vanderbilt plays college football!

Happy with bowl game location: Orlando? This is a prime bowl game destination. I went to the Capital One Bowl against Arkansas there forever ago and spending NYE on Wall Street was really fun and by the time they shut down the street there were only Wisconsin fans left. The SEC drinks like a bunch of freshmen tbqh.

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 37th overall, 16th offense, 82nd defense, 60th special teams

Bowl opponent: Auburn, Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl, Dec. 28 at 12:30 p.m. CT (ESPN)

Biggest strength: Hey, this is pretty cool!

Hopefully Tyler is able to go to the game!

Biggest weakness: Are there players on Purdue or Auburn that wear number 23?

Apparently not. Also, what is the significance of 23 days? Why not wait until 21 or 20 or, well, basically a lot of other numbers.

At least the account owned Rutgers. Brutal.

Happy with bowl game location: Nashville? Seems like a pretty cool town with good food and music. Bachelorette parties sure seem to like going there and screaming “WOOOOOOOOOO!” so there’s that.

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 24th overall, 13th offense, 43rd defense, 116th special teams

Bowl opponent: Miami (Fl.), New Era Pinstripe Bowl, Dec. 27 at 4:15 p.m. CT (ESPN)

Biggest strength: I really don’t think Miami should be excited for this rematch. They couldn’t beat Wisconsin at their own home stadium last year, what makes them think they can beat them in the New York Yankees home stadium? What a weird sentence to type.

Biggest weakness: God dammit. These hats are kinda cool. I won’t buy one, but I also won’t stop you from buying me one.

Happy with bowl game location: Bronx, NY? Guhhhhhhhhh. YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!