I hope you all voted on Tuesday. It was an important election and you can’t bitch if you didn’t vote. Those are the rules.
Minnesota is a terrible state for sports, but they make it very easy to vote. I received a letter in the mail asking me if I’d like a mailable ballot and then a few days later, after I said that I did want one, it showed up in my mailbox! I filled it out and sent it back (no postage required!) and that was that. I completed my civic duty without putting on pants. It should be that easy in every state tbqh.
Regardless of your politics, you have to admit having this man represent the state of Wisconsin was, at the least, completely embarrassing.
Maybe Scott Walker missed the class in college that taught you how to make a sandwich that didn’t look like ass and also how to put toppings on your ice cream.
Before we dive in, please look at this punter that the B1G is salivating over. HOW DID EVERY SCHOOL MISS THIS GUY?!?!
FOLKS WE'VE GOT FOOTAGE OF A DIVISION III 95-YARD PUNT pic.twitter.com/p6rtDGXMpw— Yahoo Sports College Football (@YahooSportsCFB) November 3, 2018
S&P+ rank: 83rd overall, 86th offense, 70th defense, 59th special teams
Last week’s result: BYE
Biggest strength: Let’s get things started with a bang and head on over to Drew’s NBA Corner! Miles Bridges banged on everyone with this monster dunk that was so monster he fell over after completing it.
Miles Bridges saluted Vince with the rev up cele too pic.twitter.com/cmXGFGh0zi— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) November 7, 2018
That dunk makes me want to start a relief fund for the Atlanta Hawks. In news that definitely isn’t being manufactured into a story so that we can talk about it, LaMelo Ball is coming back to the USA and going to high school!
Guess who is on LaMelo’s new team?
LaMelo Ball is returning to play high school basketball and this is his new teammate, 7’7” Robert Bobroczkyi!— David Astramskas (@redapples) November 6, 2018
I can’t wait for the @Ballislife mixtape of these two.
THAT YOUNG MAN IS TOO DAMN TALL!
I think Former Flat Earth Truther Kyrie Irving should suck it up and try to not let Jamal Murray drop buckets on his head all night if he doesn’t want Murray trying to score 50 as time expires in a decided game.
Kyrie threw the ball into the crowd after Jamal Murray's attempt to make 50-points as the game ended pic.twitter.com/Vbx3oNxmaf— Celtics on NBC Sports Boston (@NBCSCeltics) November 6, 2018
Although, this is an extremely salty and hilarious quote.
Kyrie Irving: “I felt disrespected after the game. So your career-high ball goes in the stands.”— Jay King (@ByJayKing) November 6, 2018
Jimmy Butler, general asshole and all-around malcontent, did something nice for Tyus Jones!
UK v. Duke in Indy tonight. Tyus was looking for a flight from LA to see his brother Tre's first game. Couldn't get one to work. Jimmy Butler heard him and chartered a private jet for the two of them.— Jon Krawczynski (@JonKrawczynski) November 7, 2018
If Andrew Wiggins had asked Butler for a bite of his sandwich while starving to death, Butler would have pulled up Google Maps and told Wiggins to find the nearest Jimmy John’s while dropping the phone just out of Wiggins’ reach.
Speaking of Duke ... could they beat the Cavs? They have three players who are presumed to be drafted in the top five of the NBA Draft plus a point guard who should also be drafted. At the very least, I think they could beat the Browns. Duke > The City of Cleveland.
#Wow indeed, Patrick.
I’ll take one XL in “Harold Miner” plz.
Biggest weakness: If any of you have kids, you know that they’ll become obsessed, for no apparent reason, with a toy or a book. My daughter .. .is obsessed with water fountains. We literally can not walk by one without her stopping to take a drink out of one. If there is a little stool for her to step on? Holy crap, it’s like she won the lottery. The girl has memorized the floor plan of our local library and will hit up all three water fountains before we can go look for books or play. She’s a water-fountain savant and I need to find a way to monetize this skill.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 65th overall, 100th offense, 37th defense, 10th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. Michigan State, 24–3
Biggest strength: One of the best names in college football could be coming back this week!
Canada says he expects Jake Funk to return this week,while Ty Johnson will be a game-time decision again.— Testudo Times (@testudotimes) November 6, 2018
Biggest weakness: The Terps lost the most Scrabble-able name in the conference this week, along with the game against MSU.
Qwuantrezz Knight had played in four games for Maryland this season, but his next college appearance will come elsewhere. https://t.co/FMyJyMqeAg— Testudo Times (@testudotimes) November 5, 2018
In all scenarios, except when deciding whether or not a football coach who presided over a preventable death of one of his players should be fired, Maryland keeps it 100.
Hey, at least the Terps kept it today pic.twitter.com/affffFjN6A— Lamar Johnson (@im_lamar) November 3, 2018
Defensive lineman Mbi Tanyi was ejected for throwing a punch, which was more throwing than quarterback Kasim Hill (8-of-21, 74 yards) did ... AMIRITE?!?!? The rushing attack averaged 0.9 yards per carry and the team fumbled five times (only losing two!). How did this team beat Texas?
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 3rd overall, 24th offense, 1st (!) defense, 42nd special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 14 Penn State, 42–7
Biggest strength: You guys. I really don’t want to say it, but I feel like it is my duty as a #journalist that graduated from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern to tell you ... Michigan is going to finish higher than third in their division this year.
I told y'all Penn State would be a problem for Michigan*— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) November 3, 2018
*'s strength of schedule
Might as well throw an “and Wisconsin” in there too, Spencer.
Michigan is getting PRETTY sassy if I do say so myself:
“If we had a chance, we were going to run it up, too,” Shea Patterson said.
“We’re the team to beat in the Big Ten,” proclaimed defensive end Chase Winovich , who has said the team is on a revenge tour to beat the four conference teams it lost to last season. “That’s not a controversial statement. It’s just, I think, that’s a fact at this point.”
Michigan held two PSU QBs to 8-of-17 passing, 118 yards, and two interceptions. They held Miles Sanders to 14 yards on seven carries. Three people scored rushing touchdowns and Karan Higdon had 132 yards to go with his one score. Fuck. Michigan is good.
Biggest weakness: This is the only thing that went wrong for Michigan on Saturday.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 2:30 p.m. CST
Michigan State Spartans
S&P+ rank: 30th overall, 95th offense, 7th defense, 41st special teams
Last week’s result: (W) at Maryland, 24–3
Biggest strength: Maryland had roughly 1,000,000 yards last week against Illinois but then a real defense showed up and ... well ...
The Michigan State rushing defense is unreal. Maryland came into this game averaging 246 yards per game on the ground. Today, the #Terps had 26 rushing yards...on 29 attempts.— Ryan O'Bleness (@ryanobleness) November 3, 2018
The defense had five sacks and two fumble recoveries while allowing Maryland to basically run in place all game. Connor Heyward ran for 157 yards on 15 rushes and scored twice.
Biggest weakness: This is what a Michigan State defense does to people. You don’t even care about what you are actually doing while watching them.
The game has reached the point where the broadcasters will just continue to have a conversation through multiple plays without addressing what's going on on the field.— The Only Colors (@TheOnlyColors) November 3, 2018
The passing game was not optimal for the Spartans. Brian Lewerke completed barely half of his 20 passes for 87 yards and a pick. Rocky Lombardi attempted two passes and half of them were picked off.
Lombardi has the "Draco Malfoy, Ronny Bass swagger to him." No idea what this means or if it's a compliment. Please advise.— The Only Colors (@TheOnlyColors) November 3, 2018
Draco Malfoy is a dick and so is everyone that plays for MSU. Also, believe me when I tell you this, Harry Potter nerds: not all of you would be in Gryffindor. Have some self-awareness and join me and Eddie Redmayne in Hufflepuff.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST
Ohio State Buckeyes
S&P+ rank: 9th overall, 3rd offense, 45th defense, 39th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Nebraska, 36–31
Biggest strength: J.K. Dobbins had 163 yards and three scores against a Nebraska defense that could politely be described as runny dog shit. Fumbled the ball six times (!!!!!!) on offense and only lost two, which definitely wasn’t lucky or anything. Had two players record 13 tackles on defense. Lastly, who in their right mind was wondering if aOsu was going to move up in the CFP rankings after losing to Purdue and BYE in consecutive weeks and basically losing to Nebraska?
Rob Mullens, now on the College Football Playoff rankings teleconference, says that Ohio State's struggles against a 2-7 Nebraska team this past weekend – the second game in a row that the Buckeyes have struggled – played in a big part in the Buckeyes not moving up from No. 10.— Dan Hope (@Dan_Hope) November 7, 2018
Biggest weakness: Nebraska has two wins this year, against Minnesota and Bethune-Cookman, so maybe keep your talking to a minimum when you were losing to them in the third quarter.
Yeah, I had a similar question, Ryan Day.
Ryan Day is all of us pic.twitter.com/gBcRG82MQB— Land-Grant Holy Land (@Landgrant33) November 3, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 18 Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST
Penn State Nittany Lions
S&P+ rank: 12th overall, 29th offense, 20th defense, 71st special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at No. 5 Michigan, 42–7
Biggest strength: Man, Penn State is basically having the same exact season as Wisconsin! Take a look at this post over on Black Shoe Diaries that collects a bunch of Twitter reactions to their “effort” against Michigan. They are mad at their offensive line too! They think their play-calling stinks! They also want their backup QB to replace their successful starter! Listen, Nittany Lions, maybe we don’t even play this week? Maybe we all sit down and work through our mutual struggles together? I think it’ll be a nice palate cleanser for both teams/fan bases.
Jan Johnson had 10 tackles.
Biggest weakness: We need to have a play-calling intervention with James Franklin and Coach Dad this offseason.
I hope someone sees this tweet after the game and has no clue which of like 10 plays I'm referring to. https://t.co/X87MzkZfW5— Zach Shaw (@_ZachShaw) November 3, 2018
Oh ho, optimistic halftime PSU tweets ... it is over. It is very much over.
The first half could to have gone much worse for Penn State. Yet, they’re a phantom chop block call and missed deep pass to Thompkins away from the game being tied. Clean up the mistakes in the second half, keep the defense playing strong, and this isn’t over.— Black Shoe Diaries (@BSDtweet) November 3, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Wisconsin, 11 a.m. CST
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
S&P+ rank: 126th overall, 128th offense, 94th defense, 24th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at Wisconsin, 31–17
Biggest strength: ROLL TIDE!
Police in Alabama say a man not wearing any pants fell through the roof of a Waffle House during a botched burglary and fought patrons before fleeing. https://t.co/Kii53s0QgP— WRCB-TV (@WRCB) November 7, 2018
Biggest weakness: Good ‘Ol JR is the best.
Blazers fan gets absolutely trucked, narrated with Jim Ross remix pic.twitter.com/OONvGRhRgy— Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) November 7, 2018
We will never talk about Rutgers football around these parts for as long as I’m still employed here.
OK, one thing about Rutgers football because this is peak comedy.
“Their kickoff coverage is really impressive. One of the best in the nation. Ridiculous statistics in that regard.”— College Football by SB Nation (@SBNationCFB) November 6, 2018
– Jim Harbaugh going to extraordinary lengths to be nice to Rutgers https://t.co/ZvyFCkxvqR
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 4 Michigan, 2:30 p.m. CST
Illinois Fighting Illini
S&P+ rank: 100th overall, 67th offense, 114th defense, 9th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) at Minnesota, 55–31
Biggest strength: In an absolutely bonkers game that featured six combined touchdowns of longer than 60 yards, Illinois (yes, that Illinois) routed the Gophers by 24 points. Even a beatdown of epic proportions couldn’t get the fickle Illini faithful to stay until the end of the game. What gives?
Illinois loses by 30, everyone leaves by the fourth quarter.— Stephen Cohn (@stephen__cohn) November 3, 2018
Illinois wins by 20+ — and people still leave!! WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN FOR THEM TO STAY!
Illinois gained over 600 yards of total offense and they were led by Reggie Corbin, who rushed for 213 yards on a mere 13 carries. Quarterback A.J. Bush Jr. rushed for 127 yards and backup tailback Dre Brown (who might just be Dee Brown with a clever letter switch) ran seven times for 92 yards. Team totals? 35 rushes for 430 yards (12.3 yards per carry!!!!!!!) and five touchdowns. Someone please tell Jonathan Taylor about this.
Biggest weakness: Illinois could clean up its penalty situation, I suppose, but I think we should just let them have a happy week. Good job, Illinois!
I just spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how the #Illini can still qualify for the Big Ten Championship Game, just to realize they can only get as far as the second tiebreaker for the Big Ten West title.— Stephen Cohn (@stephen__cohn) November 5, 2018
The Illini are almost bowl-eligible, though!
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 29th overall, 66th offense, 21st defense, 30th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at Purdue, 38–36
Biggest strength: Nate Stanley had 275 passing yards and a touchdown, but the rushing attack was anemic and the defense couldn’t stop Purdue from bombing it down the field.
this hurts worse than the loss tbh pic.twitter.com/KDsnbxHbfP— BlackHeartGoldPants (@BHGP) November 5, 2018
Just a brutal week for Hawkeye fans.
Riverboat Gamblin’ Kirk Ferentz is still one win away from 150 in conference and while Wisconsin needs the Hawks to beat Northwestern this week, is there some way that could happen without Ferentz getting credit for the win?
Biggest weakness: What if, and hear me out, Iowa only goes for two from now on? Ferentz is the new innovative mind in the conference. Is he crazy enough to try it????
Two missed two point conversion attempts, lose by two points...it hurts so much to be an Iowa fan sometimes— Drew Harney (@DrewHarney) November 3, 2018
Hey, the CFP has gotta rank someone, right?
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 2:30 p.m. CST
Minnesota Golden Gophers
S&P+ rank: 76th overall, 85th offense, 62nd defense, 17th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. Illinois, 55–31
Biggest strength: I hope “elite man” Robb Smith had a life jacket handy after being tossed over the side of the boat.
Minnesota has fired defensive coordinator Robb Smith, P.J. Fleck announced. The Gophers allowed 646 yards in a 55-31 loss to Illinois on Saturday.— Yahoo Sports College Football (@YahooSportsCFB) November 5, 2018
Defensive line coach Joe Rossi will serve as interim coordinator. pic.twitter.com/8UKZ8Z9V5p
How’s everything going, coach? Wanna talk about it?
Biggest weakness: You know what’s really crazy? The depths some poor athletic department intern had to dive in order to find a statistic at which Minnesota was highly rated. #PuntToWin
#Gophers rank fourth in the nation, as they allow only 1.25 yards per punt return. Even crazier, they have allowed -3 punt return yards in their last 37 punts. https://t.co/Er6Rm9PSHE#SkiUMah #RTB pic.twitter.com/1rxftAqo2d— Minnesota Football (@GopherFootball) November 7, 2018
I DON’T WATCH GAME OF THRONES! SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!
Minnesota has fired DC Robb Smith of Gopherfell after his crushing defeat at the hands of Rod Smith.— The Champaign Room (@Champaign_Room) November 5, 2018
When you play the Game of Smiths, you win...or you get fired.
Oh, uh, in relation to actual things that happened in the game ... ummm ... Rashod Bateman had seven catches for 175 yards and two scores. He won B1G Freshman of the Week too!
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 44th offense, 59th defense, 117th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at No. 10 Ohio State, 36–31
Biggest strength: Everyone in the college football internet is tripping over themselves to say how Nebraska is “right there,” the “future looks bright,” “headed in the right direction,” and yet ... they still don’t beat anyone.
Ok, everybody stay calm. I just want to say this; we might not win this game, but we are beating Ohio State at the horseshoe 21-16. Win or lose, this team is trending up. I look forward to the next two or three years with number 2 leading this offense.— CornNation (@CornNation) November 3, 2018
Saying outrageous things like this is what gets me all fired up. Nebraska is NOT a top-12 brand in college football.
Scott Frost thinks that there are about 12 college football programs that have a brand that is recognizable. Says Nebraska is one of them and his opinion is that they should just stick to that tradition. The #Huskers are wearing alternate uniforms on Saturday.— KRNU Sports (@KRNUSports) November 5, 2018
Frost also thinks that the Big Ten’s University of Chicago, multiple-time national champion Army and Ivy League (basically the SEC of the northeast) power Yale are “recognizable college football brands.” Fuck all the way outta here with that.
I always used to think that Tennessee Football fans were the most undeservedly arrogant fans in college sports— Matt Jones (@KySportsRadio) November 2, 2018
Well if my mentions are any indication, Nebraska fans may be worse
They genuinely believe they are still a College FB power...it’s kinda cute...and sad
To get their second win of the season, Nebraska had to play an emergency game against Bethune-Cookman. $20 if you can tell me what conference and what city Bethune-Cookman play in. Nebraska sucks and I don’t know why that is difficult to understand I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!
Hell of an effort from Nebraska. Moving in the right direction and this game was another huge step forward. It's starting to look like this could be a good football team again. #Huskers— Jeff Werkheiser (@j_werky) November 3, 2018
Mike Riley was the right direction for the Nebraska football program. Don't @ me— Jack Yates (@jack__yates) October 15, 2016
After watching @CreightonKoley 's snapchat story, I'm confident that Nebraska football is heading in the right direction.— Danny (@Danny_pavlik) July 15, 2014
This article makes me think the Nebraska football program is headed back in the right direction http://tinyurl.com/lqjzre— randistrunk (@randistrunk) August 9, 2009
I guess Adrian Martinez did play pretty well, though (22-of-33 for 266 yards and one TD and 72 rushing yards and two TDs) and he’s only a freshman. IS THE NEBRASKA FOOTBALL PROGRAM HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION NOW?
“We can play against any team in the country, and that includes Ohio State,” Martinez said, “This thing is taking off.”
Maybe the greatest kickoff in college football history pic.twitter.com/Quc8VKHLJo— Luke Zimmermann (@lukezim) November 3, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 68th overall, 105th offense, 32nd defense, 125th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 4 Notre Dame, 31–21
Biggest strength: This tweet is perfect.
As a Medill grad, I must note the sweet irony of being defeated by a Book!— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) November 4, 2018
So is this one.
I regret to inform this Northwestern football player that if his favorite musician is Kenny Chesney, his hidden talent is not rapping pic.twitter.com/HBEl9fmEHL— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) November 4, 2018
Biggest weakness: Man, Notre Dame and Michigan being really good at the same time is some Darkest Timeline shit. Those two and Alabama in the Playoff? What a detestable group of college football fans.
Me, going through an existential crisis about what sauce to get on my wings at B-Dubs.
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
Every Northwestern season is the same. Two losses to junior colleges, a plucky loss to some actually good team, and then five consecutive games of bullshit where the opposition turns into players in those old tabletop electronic games halfway through the third quarter— Steve (@IlliniToffee) October 13, 2018
Northwestern suuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkks and I bet they get dragon-kicked in the head by Iowa on Saturday. Even if this happens, they only have to beat Illinois and Minnesota (Jesus Tapdancing Christ) and they’ll win the B1G West. I need some whiskey.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 21 Iowa, 2:30 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 25th overall, 16th offense, 57th defense, 89th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 16 Iowa, 38–36
Biggest strength: See, here is a Kirk Ferentz accomplishment I can get behind!
Trains are a superior form of transportation to boats. No one denies thi
Remember when many Boiler fans were disappointed we didn’t get the boat coach? A good coach on a good train is better any day!— Bryan Kretzmeier (@bkretzmeier) November 4, 2018
David Blough threw for 333 yards and four touchdowns and somehow Rondale Moore didn’t catch any of them. SMDH. Touchdown hog Terry Wright had three scoring catches and 146 receiving yards.
Biggest weakness: Boom! Math all up in yo face, Iowa.
Spencer Evans split 'em. #Purdue 38-36, 0:08 left.— Nathan Baird (@nbairdjc) November 3, 2018
So if Iowa had kicked the PAT then kicked the other PAT, that field goal only would have tied the game.
Math always wins.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 13th overall, 10th offense, 44th defense, 105th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Rutgers, 31–17
Biggest strength: An unimpressive win over a deeply unimpressive team does not really move the needle for me. What does move the needle for me is RUNNING THE DANG BALL.
Here are the highest-graded running backs from the B1G so far this season. pic.twitter.com/KkM0TmX4PS— PFF College (@PFF_College) November 6, 2018
Jonathan Taylor did run for 208 yards and three touchdowns against Rutgers and he’s been having a really great season overall too! But, look at Taiwan Deal on this list!!!! Give that guy some more carries. He runs violently and like he missed contact when he was injured. I love it. Lastly, this play should be projected on the side of B1G headquarters.
Quite possibly the most Wisconsin play ever offensively. https://t.co/1pUJA9Yw2b— Jake Kocorowski (@JakeKocoB5Q) November 3, 2018
Biggest weakness: Wisconsin turned the ball over twice and forced zero turnovers and this dumb game was still never in doubt. I can’t believe Rutgers will be able to field a full team in a few years because no one in their right mind would ever want to play football for them.
What happens when you play Rutgers a week after losing at Northwestern? Oh well. On, Wisconsin! pic.twitter.com/FMuNzLxjG1— Scott Girard (@sgirard9) November 3, 2018
I was able to sell my ticket to the game for $15 USD. Drinks are on me, baby!
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 20 Penn State, 11 a.m. CST