The B1G Roast: A B1G team gave up 55 points to Illinois last weekend

I hope you all voted on Tuesday. It was an important election and you can’t bitch if you didn’t vote. Those are the rules.

Minnesota is a terrible state for sports, but they make it very easy to vote. I received a letter in the mail asking me if I’d like a mailable ballot and then a few days later, after I said that I did want one, it showed up in my mailbox! I filled it out and sent it back (no postage required!) and that was that. I completed my civic duty without putting on pants. It should be that easy in every state tbqh.

Regardless of your politics, you have to admit having this man represent the state of Wisconsin was, at the least, completely embarrassing.

Maybe Scott Walker missed the class in college that taught you how to make a sandwich that didn’t look like ass and also how to put toppings on your ice cream.

Before we dive in, please look at this punter that the B1G is salivating over. HOW DID EVERY SCHOOL MISS THIS GUY?!?!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 83rd overall, 86th offense, 70th defense, 59th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Let’s get things started with a bang and head on over to Drew’s NBA Corner! Miles Bridges banged on everyone with this monster dunk that was so monster he fell over after completing it.

That dunk makes me want to start a relief fund for the Atlanta Hawks. In news that definitely isn’t being manufactured into a story so that we can talk about it, LaMelo Ball is coming back to the USA and going to high school!

Guess who is on LaMelo’s new team?

THAT YOUNG MAN IS TOO DAMN TALL!

I think Former Flat Earth Truther Kyrie Irving should suck it up and try to not let Jamal Murray drop buckets on his head all night if he doesn’t want Murray trying to score 50 as time expires in a decided game.

Although, this is an extremely salty and hilarious quote.

Jimmy Butler, general asshole and all-around malcontent, did something nice for Tyus Jones!

If Andrew Wiggins had asked Butler for a bite of his sandwich while starving to death, Butler would have pulled up Google Maps and told Wiggins to find the nearest Jimmy John’s while dropping the phone just out of Wiggins’ reach.

Speaking of Duke ... could they beat the Cavs? They have three players who are presumed to be drafted in the top five of the NBA Draft plus a point guard who should also be drafted. At the very least, I think they could beat the Browns. Duke > The City of Cleveland.

#Wow indeed, Patrick.

I’ll take one XL in “Harold Miner” plz.

Biggest weakness: If any of you have kids, you know that they’ll become obsessed, for no apparent reason, with a toy or a book. My daughter .. .is obsessed with water fountains. We literally can not walk by one without her stopping to take a drink out of one. If there is a little stool for her to step on? Holy crap, it’s like she won the lottery. The girl has memorized the floor plan of our local library and will hit up all three water fountains before we can go look for books or play. She’s a water-fountain savant and I need to find a way to monetize this skill.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11 a.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 65th overall, 100th offense, 37th defense, 10th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Michigan State, 24–3

Biggest strength: One of the best names in college football could be coming back this week!

Biggest weakness: The Terps lost the most Scrabble-able name in the conference this week, along with the game against MSU.

In all scenarios, except when deciding whether or not a football coach who presided over a preventable death of one of his players should be fired, Maryland keeps it 100.

Defensive lineman Mbi Tanyi was ejected for throwing a punch, which was more throwing than quarterback Kasim Hill (8-of-21, 74 yards) did ... AMIRITE?!?!? The rushing attack averaged 0.9 yards per carry and the team fumbled five times (only losing two!). How did this team beat Texas?

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 3rd overall, 24th offense, 1st (!) defense, 42nd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 14 Penn State, 42–7

Biggest strength: You guys. I really don’t want to say it, but I feel like it is my duty as a #journalist that graduated from the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern to tell you ... Michigan is going to finish higher than third in their division this year.

Might as well throw an “and Wisconsin” in there too, Spencer.

Michigan is getting PRETTY sassy if I do say so myself:

“If we had a chance, we were going to run it up, too,” Shea Patterson said.

“We’re the team to beat in the Big Ten,” proclaimed defensive end Chase Winovich , who has said the team is on a revenge tour to beat the four conference teams it lost to last season. “That’s not a controversial statement. It’s just, I think, that’s a fact at this point.”

Michigan held two PSU QBs to 8-of-17 passing, 118 yards, and two interceptions. They held Miles Sanders to 14 yards on seven carries. Three people scored rushing touchdowns and Karan Higdon had 132 yards to go with his one score. Fuck. Michigan is good.

Biggest weakness: This is the only thing that went wrong for Michigan on Saturday.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 2:30 p.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 30th overall, 95th offense, 7th defense, 41st special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Maryland, 24–3

Biggest strength: Maryland had roughly 1,000,000 yards last week against Illinois but then a real defense showed up and ... well ...

The defense had five sacks and two fumble recoveries while allowing Maryland to basically run in place all game. Connor Heyward ran for 157 yards on 15 rushes and scored twice.

Biggest weakness: This is what a Michigan State defense does to people. You don’t even care about what you are actually doing while watching them.

The passing game was not optimal for the Spartans. Brian Lewerke completed barely half of his 20 passes for 87 yards and a pick. Rocky Lombardi attempted two passes and half of them were picked off.

Draco Malfoy is a dick and so is everyone that plays for MSU. Also, believe me when I tell you this, Harry Potter nerds: not all of you would be in Gryffindor. Have some self-awareness and join me and Eddie Redmayne in Hufflepuff.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 9th overall, 3rd offense, 45th defense, 39th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Nebraska, 36–31

Biggest strength: J.K. Dobbins had 163 yards and three scores against a Nebraska defense that could politely be described as runny dog shit. Fumbled the ball six times (!!!!!!) on offense and only lost two, which definitely wasn’t lucky or anything. Had two players record 13 tackles on defense. Lastly, who in their right mind was wondering if aOsu was going to move up in the CFP rankings after losing to Purdue and BYE in consecutive weeks and basically losing to Nebraska?

Biggest weakness: Nebraska has two wins this year, against Minnesota and Bethune-Cookman, so maybe keep your talking to a minimum when you were losing to them in the third quarter.

Yeah, I had a similar question, Ryan Day.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 18 Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 12th overall, 29th offense, 20th defense, 71st special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 5 Michigan, 42–7

Biggest strength: Man, Penn State is basically having the same exact season as Wisconsin! Take a look at this post over on Black Shoe Diaries that collects a bunch of Twitter reactions to their “effort” against Michigan. They are mad at their offensive line too! They think their play-calling stinks! They also want their backup QB to replace their successful starter! Listen, Nittany Lions, maybe we don’t even play this week? Maybe we all sit down and work through our mutual struggles together? I think it’ll be a nice palate cleanser for both teams/fan bases.

Jan Johnson had 10 tackles.

Biggest weakness: We need to have a play-calling intervention with James Franklin and Coach Dad this offseason.

Oh ho, optimistic halftime PSU tweets ... it is over. It is very much over.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Wisconsin, 11 a.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 126th overall, 128th offense, 94th defense, 24th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Wisconsin, 31–17

Biggest strength: ROLL TIDE!

Biggest weakness: Good ‘Ol JR is the best.

We will never talk about Rutgers football around these parts for as long as I’m still employed here.

OK, one thing about Rutgers football because this is peak comedy.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 4 Michigan, 2:30 p.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 100th overall, 67th offense, 114th defense, 9th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Minnesota, 55–31

Biggest strength: In an absolutely bonkers game that featured six combined touchdowns of longer than 60 yards, Illinois (yes, that Illinois) routed the Gophers by 24 points. Even a beatdown of epic proportions couldn’t get the fickle Illini faithful to stay until the end of the game. What gives?

Illinois gained over 600 yards of total offense and they were led by Reggie Corbin, who rushed for 213 yards on a mere 13 carries. Quarterback A.J. Bush Jr. rushed for 127 yards and backup tailback Dre Brown (who might just be Dee Brown with a clever letter switch) ran seven times for 92 yards. Team totals? 35 rushes for 430 yards (12.3 yards per carry!!!!!!!) and five touchdowns. Someone please tell Jonathan Taylor about this.

Biggest weakness: Illinois could clean up its penalty situation, I suppose, but I think we should just let them have a happy week. Good job, Illinois!

The Illini are almost bowl-eligible, though!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 29th overall, 66th offense, 21st defense, 30th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Purdue, 38–36

Biggest strength: Nate Stanley had 275 passing yards and a touchdown, but the rushing attack was anemic and the defense couldn’t stop Purdue from bombing it down the field.

Just a brutal week for Hawkeye fans.

Riverboat Gamblin’ Kirk Ferentz is still one win away from 150 in conference and while Wisconsin needs the Hawks to beat Northwestern this week, is there some way that could happen without Ferentz getting credit for the win?

Biggest weakness: What if, and hear me out, Iowa only goes for two from now on? Ferentz is the new innovative mind in the conference. Is he crazy enough to try it????

Hey, the CFP has gotta rank someone, right?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 2:30 p.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 76th overall, 85th offense, 62nd defense, 17th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Illinois, 55–31

Biggest strength: I hope “elite man” Robb Smith had a life jacket handy after being tossed over the side of the boat.

How’s everything going, coach? Wanna talk about it?

Biggest weakness: You know what’s really crazy? The depths some poor athletic department intern had to dive in order to find a statistic at which Minnesota was highly rated. #PuntToWin

I DON’T WATCH GAME OF THRONES! SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!

Oh, uh, in relation to actual things that happened in the game ... ummm ... Rashod Bateman had seven catches for 175 yards and two scores. He won B1G Freshman of the Week too!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 44th offense, 59th defense, 117th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 10 Ohio State, 36–31

Biggest strength: Everyone in the college football internet is tripping over themselves to say how Nebraska is “right there,” the “future looks bright,” “headed in the right direction,” and yet ... they still don’t beat anyone.

Saying outrageous things like this is what gets me all fired up. Nebraska is NOT a top-12 brand in college football.

Frost also thinks that the Big Ten’s University of Chicago, multiple-time national champion Army and Ivy League (basically the SEC of the northeast) power Yale are “recognizable college football brands.” Fuck all the way outta here with that.

To get their second win of the season, Nebraska had to play an emergency game against Bethune-Cookman. $20 if you can tell me what conference and what city Bethune-Cookman play in. Nebraska sucks and I don’t know why that is difficult to understand I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS!

I guess Adrian Martinez did play pretty well, though (22-of-33 for 266 yards and one TD and 72 rushing yards and two TDs) and he’s only a freshman. IS THE NEBRASKA FOOTBALL PROGRAM HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION NOW?

Biggest weakness:

“We can play against any team in the country, and that includes Ohio State,” Martinez said, “This thing is taking off.”

Counterpoint:

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 11 a.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 68th overall, 105th offense, 32nd defense, 125th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 4 Notre Dame, 31–21

Biggest strength: This tweet is perfect.

So is this one.

Biggest weakness: Man, Notre Dame and Michigan being really good at the same time is some Darkest Timeline shit. Those two and Alabama in the Playoff? What a detestable group of college football fans.

Me, going through an existential crisis about what sauce to get on my wings at B-Dubs.

LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!

Northwestern suuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkkks and I bet they get dragon-kicked in the head by Iowa on Saturday. Even if this happens, they only have to beat Illinois and Minnesota (Jesus Tapdancing Christ) and they’ll win the B1G West. I need some whiskey.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 21 Iowa, 2:30 p.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 25th overall, 16th offense, 57th defense, 89th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 16 Iowa, 38–36

Biggest strength: See, here is a Kirk Ferentz accomplishment I can get behind!

Trains are a superior form of transportation to boats. No one denies thi

David Blough threw for 333 yards and four touchdowns and somehow Rondale Moore didn’t catch any of them. SMDH. Touchdown hog Terry Wright had three scoring catches and 146 receiving yards.

Biggest weakness: Boom! Math all up in yo face, Iowa.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 13th overall, 10th offense, 44th defense, 105th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Rutgers, 31–17

Biggest strength: An unimpressive win over a deeply unimpressive team does not really move the needle for me. What does move the needle for me is RUNNING THE DANG BALL.

Jonathan Taylor did run for 208 yards and three touchdowns against Rutgers and he’s been having a really great season overall too! But, look at Taiwan Deal on this list!!!! Give that guy some more carries. He runs violently and like he missed contact when he was injured. I love it. Lastly, this play should be projected on the side of B1G headquarters.

Biggest weakness: Wisconsin turned the ball over twice and forced zero turnovers and this dumb game was still never in doubt. I can’t believe Rutgers will be able to field a full team in a few years because no one in their right mind would ever want to play football for them.

I was able to sell my ticket to the game for $15 USD. Drinks are on me, baby!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 20 Penn State, 11 a.m. CST