The B1G Roast: Michigan State 6–9 Nebraska

It’s Hate Week all over the country and the end to another “exciting” Big Ten football regular season. Indiana and Purdue are playing for bowl eligibility and an old, oaken bucket of some sort. Michigan and Ohio State are playing for the honor of meeting Northwestern in the B1G Title Game and a CFP berth. Wisconsin and Minnesota are renewing the most-played rivalry in college football history in a game no one outside of those two states will care about. And the Granddaddy of them All: Rutgers will play Michigan State in the conference’s marquee rivalry matchup.

Rivalries and Hate Week and all that goofy stuff is what makes college football so much fun. It makes a game like Wisconsin/Minnesota, which means basically nothing on the national stage, mean basically everything to two fanbases that, despite being basically the same, hate each other.

I hope your Hate Week is a Great Week and as always: Go Wisconsin, Boo Our Rival.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 80th overall, 81st offense, 75th defense, 42nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 4 Michigan, 31–20

Biggest strength: I have been doing a deep dive into this Chase Winovich/Simon Stepaniak cheap-shot war, or as I’ve been calling it: The Most Important Thing That Happened In College Football Last Week. Michigan players think Indiana is dirty and Indiana fans think Winovich started it.

It appears that Winovich is OK, which is good no matter how big of a dipshit you think he is, and ready to play against aOsu.

Instinctively, I am on the side that is against Michigan so I think Winovich started it, Indiana finished it, and now we can argue about it online forever.

I hope Indiana football recovers from this.

Biggest weakness: The gang over at Crimson Quarry is a fun follow during IU football games. I’m never 100 percent sure what is going on, but I certainly do enjoy being a part of it.

Stevie Scott had 139 yards and a score, but lost a fumble and Macelino Ball had 10 tackles and a pick for the Hoosiers. Then the basketball team lost to Arkansas. Rough weekend in Bloomington.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Purdue, 11 a.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 58th overall, 83rd offense, 49th defense, 11th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 52–51 OT

Biggest strength: Anthony “Lil’ Booger” McFarland went OFF against the Buckeyes.

McFarland seemed like a threat to gain 20 yards on every play, but he only averaged 14.2 yards per carry like a failure, and it was a pleasure to watch him run the dang ball all over aOsu’s extremely suspect defense.

I don’t know who No. 17 is for Maryland but he should be awarded another scholarship for this heads-up play.

I’d award him actual U.S. dollars but I really don’t need an NCAA investigation right now. I’ve got shit to do.

Biggest weakness: I audibly yelped as this play was unfolding and it became clear that there was an open receiver in the end zone ... and then I felt very sad for Maryland.

This was a really exciting game and it’s a bummer that Fraudulent Top-10 Ohio State didn’t trip up here and lose. At least they’ll get the beating they so richly deserve on Saturday against Michigan. Maryland gets to try and become bowl-eligible against Penn State.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 14 Penn State, 2:30 p.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 23rd offense, 2nd defense, 15th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Indiana, 31–20

Biggest strength: Freshman kicker Jake Moody made all six (!!!!!!) of his field-goal attempts (a school record) while filling in for Quinn Nordin.

Michigan had 11 different players catch a pass, which is very socialistic of them. A Michigan Man spreads the wealth AND the ball.

It is really upsetting to me that exceedingly average quarterback Shea Patterson is such an upgrade for the Wolverines that they are now really, really good. Ugh, whatever, plz just beat Ohio State so those fuckers don’t sneak into the CFP and lose by 1,000 to Alabama.

Biggest weakness: Naw, I’m pretty sure they’re just du*b.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 10 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 31st overall, 114th offense, 4th defense, 55th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Nebraska, 9–6 (OMG KILL ME NOW)

Biggest strength: This is all you need to know about this game.

Now, let’s never talk about it again.

Biggest weakness: The MSU basketball team beat Tennessee Tech by 68 points. That’s pretty cool! Also, Wisconsin is ranked now!

Also also, now that football season is winding down the Roast will turn its attention to basketball. The Big Ten looks like it could actually be pretty fun this year, with a bunch of pretty good teams all beating up on each other and Rutgers. There are also a BUNCH of new players to hate in the conference and I can’t wait to introduce them to y’all.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 3 p.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 5th offense, 38th defense, 34th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Maryland, 52–51 OT

Biggest strength: Dwayne Haskins had 464 total yards and six touchdowns and J.K. Dobbins had 203 rushing yards and one score. As a team, the Buckeyes gained 688 yards on offense. Despite this awesome offensive performance, I am a tad worried that a team, in just the last four weeks, needed OT to beat Maryland, barely beat Nebraska, and got walloped by Purdue. Michigan is much better than all of those teams iirc.

Biggest weakness: I really dislike Ohio State and I want bad things to happen to their football team against Michigan. You know you’re terrible when Michigan is considered the hero in a game against you.

I hope Urban Meyer is so upset about losing to Michigan that he retires on the field after the game. ::crosses fingers::

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 4 Michigan, 11 a.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 14th overall, 46th offense, 12th defense, 59th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Rutgers, 20–7

Biggest strength: There was nothing too notable about this game between Penn State and Rutgers, however the anger displayed in this tweet is good and should always be tweeted on Saturdays.

Trace McSorley became the winningest quarterback in PSU history and also passed 100 career touchdowns, becoming only the third B1G player to do so (joining J.T. Barrett and Drew Brees). Look at that! That was a real sentence you might find in an actual journalist’s recap of this game. By the end of basketball season, I bet I don’t even have a single curse word in my posts!

Biggest weakness: Wisconsin lost to this man.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 2:30 p.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 120th overall, 127th offense, 95th defense, 31st special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 14 Penn State, 20–7

Biggest strength: There is an indoor playground by my house that is really fun and I like to take my daughter there every so often, especially when it is cold out. It is not really built for a man my size, but I make it work and climb around in there with her because she loves it. This past week after climbing to the top and settling in to slide down, a little boy snuck up behind me and I accidentally elbowed him in the head.

I was mortified as he kept rubbing his head and staring into my soul, but he never cried or even said anything as I offered up my sincerest apology. He just got onto the slide next to me and went down and then looked back at me, as I came down the other slide with my daughter, and said, “You lost.”

YOU LITTLE SHIT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WE WERE RACING! YOU AREN’T HURT AT ALL!

Anyways, here is another kid doing something awesome.

Biggest weakness: I ... wut?

omg

Don’t worry, they scored one later! Yay Rutgers!!!!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Michigan State, 3 p.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 106th overall, 80th offense, 122nd defense, 19th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Iowa, 63–0

Biggest strength: We didn’t talk about this last week, but Actual Crazy Person Zach Smith tweeted this about Texas head coach Tom Herman.

“Ok. Cool Hook Em!” became an instant legendary meme amongst CFB Twitter and it appears that Herman’s wife, Michelle, has a message for Smith.

I hope that Zach Smith writes a book because I want to know his thoughts on everything, not just other college football coaches. Maybe he can co-write this column next week? Jake, what is our budget for outside contractors? $69? PERFECT!

Biggest weakness: When you score 0 (zero) points in a B1G game against Iowa, you do not get your team written about in the Roast. It’s time to head on over to Drew’s NBA Corner!

Kevin Durant might not have a post-NBA career in construction but he definitely has a post-NBA career in looking DOPE AS HELL IN A CONSTRUCTION WORKER’S UNIFORM!

You really know you’ve made it once your whole entire face is on a doughnut. It’s my dream to make it to that level of success.

I do not appreciate Josh Hart reminding me of the most uncomfortable episode of television I’ve ever watched. My wife and I skip this one on Netflix more often than not.

I’m worried that Markelle Fultz may actually not be fully healthy and everything I’ve ever known is a lie!

We should also note that Kemba Walker is #good.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 22 Northwestern, 2:30 p.m. CST

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 29th overall, 78th offense, 19th defense, 33rd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Illinois, 63–0

Biggest strength: This was tied for the worst loss in Illinois history and caused Lovie Smith to say this:

“We didn’t play well in any phase,” said Illinois coach Lovie Smith. “Starting with coaching, we thought we had the team prepared. We weren’t.”

The man is speaking in movie trailer catchphrases!

::movie trailer guy voice:: “We thought we were prepared for what happened next ... we weren’t.”

I think Illinois should fire Lovie but still let him give press conferences after the games.

The Iowa defense had 11 tackles for loss and despite scoring 63 points, no one on offense had that interesting of a game. Classic Iowa, imo.

Biggest weakness: You don’t have any weaknesses when you win 63–0 so let’s talk about how great The Citadel was against Alabama!

#FireThoseCannons indeed. Roll Citadel.

This week’s opponent: Friday vs. Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 67th overall, 91st offense, 44th defense, 24th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 22 Northwestern, 24–14

Biggest strength: With Minnesota United moving out of TCF Bank Stadium, will there ever be a crowd there that comes close to filling up the upper deck? I guess Iowa, Wisconsin, and Nebraska play there every other year ... so maybe then?

Blake Cashman had 20 tackles (holy crap) and a sack, which is pretty great. Tyler Johnson had eight catches for 88 yards and a touchdown and he now has over 1,000 yards receiving on the season. Who knows when a Wisconsin wideout will ever do that again!

Biggest weakness: Man, all I wanted was a 6–6 Northwestern team to beat Michigan in the B1G Championship and go to the Rose Bowl. For that to happen, I needed Minnesota to just not be their fucking selves for one God damned weekend and they couldn’t do it. I hope Wisconsin holds them to negative points this week.

Folks here in the Twin Cities are confident heading into Saturday’s game against the Badgers.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Wisconsin, 2:30 p.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 43rd offense, 60th defense, 92nd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Michigan State, 9–6 (WHY GOD WHY?!?!)

Biggest strength: I want to make fun of this game because it deserves it so, so much, but this tweet is nice and I think I’ll let it speak for the game instead.

I hope those two enjoyed the game!

Biggest weakness: This is a pretty sick burn tbqh.

This week’s opponent: Friday at Iowa, 11 a.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 76th overall, 113th offense, 26th defense, 126th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Minnesota, 24–14

Biggest strength: Whatever, Northwestern beat Minnesota. Way to go, nerds! I want to talk about how much Pat Fitzgerald can go suck an egg.

How does a guy that coaches at, and attended as an undergrad, Northwestern not think stats matter? Northwestern is a good school! Very smart people go there! They probably all use stats a lot in their everyday lives! “Stats are for losers” is an extremely offensive thing to say when your entire fanbase is made up of, well, losers. AND I SHOULD KNOW! I WANTED TO GO TO NORTHWESTERN! Thankfully I didn’t get in and went to Wisconsin instead and ... continued being a loser, but still.

I’m sure the sentient slab of beef that Fitzgerald employs as strength coach thought this was the greatest idea since the New Deal.

Shoutout B5Q Founding Father Adam Hoge!

Biggest weakness: Does ... does the Northwestern football Twitter account not know that their team plays all of their games in Evanston, Ill., a city that is, shockingly, not Chicago?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 42nd overall, 17th offense, 74th defense, 70th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Wisconsin, 47–44 3OT

Biggest strength: Purdue is the weirdest team in the country that isn’t Indiana. Maybe it’s just the whole state is weird? That’s probably it.

Official Crush of The B1G Roast, Rondale Moore, had nine catches for 114 yards and two touchdowns. This game was basically perfect for me! Moore balled out and Wisconsin still won!

Biggest weakness: At least Purdue fans are taking things well.

It is Bucket Week, folks! CATCH THE FEVER!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 11 a.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 19th overall, 12th offense, 40th defense, 106th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Purdue, 47–44 3OT

Biggest strength: WHAT THE HELL EVEN WAS THIS CATCH!?!?!

I can’t believe a Wisconsin player did that. I am without words. Jonathan Taylor played really well and so did the offensive line, who opened holes that trucks could drive through. And not, like, one of those small, SUV-style trucks, either. I’m talking about a big, honking Ford F-350 with extended cab-type truck. Andrew Van Ginkel was awesome and the aforementioned Danny Davis had the best catch in Wisconsin football history. The Twitter account beat Purdue as well.

Biggest weakness: I’m happy to see our fanbase is confident again.

Please stop getting pre-snap penalties, offense. I won’t say it again.

Alright then. Let’s go beat that Gopher ass.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST