Due to having to work a bunch this week so I can have the weekend off to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with my visiting parents, there will be no #deepthoughts intro to the Roast this week. Sorry if that means you have to spend less time in the bathroom avoiding your job/family/parole officer.
I assume that anyone who reads this column regularly has at least a little bit of a record. Anyways! On to the Roast!
S&P+ rank: 81st overall, 82nd offense, 75th defense, 33rd special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Maryland, 34-32
Biggest strength: Absolute Unit, Stevie Scott, ran for 103 yards and a score and also broke the freshman record for rushing touchdowns at IU, previously held by The Law Firm (BenJarvus Green-Ellis). Logan Justus nailed two field goals and all four extra points while the kick return unit had four (!!!!) different guys return kicks. A guy named T.D. Roof led the team in tackles and also, probably, bad local commercials for his construction company. “When you’ve got a leeeeeeeeeeak, call 1-800-TD-ROOOF! The extra “o” is for opulence, which is how your neighbors will describe your new roof when we’re finished with it.”
The Crimson Quarry gang reminded me of this tweet, which makes me miss Twitter a little bit because I laughed out loud again at it.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot— vineyille (@vineyille) April 26, 2015
Sometimes, gang, the internet is good.
Biggest weakness: Upon further review, it appears to my untrained eyes that ::double checks notebook:: everything? Yes, it appears that “everything” about the IU football team is a weakness.
is the offense good? no.— jeff brohm insider blog (@crimsonquarry) November 10, 2018
but is the defense good?
This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 4 Michigan, 3 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 93rd offense, 42nd defense, 9th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at Indiana, 34-32
Biggest strength: Anthony “Lil’ Booger” McFarland ran for 210 yards and somehow none of those yards ended up with him in the end-zone. Kicker Joseph Petrino had an impressive game where he made all four of his field goal attempts but missed his only extra point.
The university has hired a search firm to help find its new football head coach.
Maryland athletics has hired a national search firm to help in its pursuit of a new football coach. https://t.co/thvyknzERl— Post Sports (@PostSports) November 13, 2018
Testudo Dave, who used to write for Testudo Times and is a good and fun Maryland follow on the ol’ Tweet Box but currently has his tweets locked, has a fail-safe plan for Maryland: 1) schedule more games with Texas, 2) hire Charlie Strong, 3) continue to beat Texas with Charlie Strong as head coach. BRILLIANT!
Biggest weakness: The Terps had two more players de-commit from their recruiting class.
Maryland’s 2019 football recruiting class pic.twitter.com/KjnpgZxO9h— Tyler Beard (@tylerbeard2) November 14, 2018
They now have eight players in their 2019 class. Who knew completely botching an investigation into how your head coach allowed a player to die at practice would cause potential players, and their parents, to rethink going to your school?
Ah shit, this sucks. Get well soon, Kasim.
Man, this sucks. A Maryland football season doesn't truly begin until a QB has a season-ending injury. https://t.co/u46bwFKxWu— Chris Vannini (@ChrisVannini) November 13, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 21st offense, 2nd defense, 32nd special teams
Last week’s result: (W) at Rutgers, 42-7
Biggest strength: I want all of these men to be my grandfathers.
Michigan at Rutgers highlights: the cannon guys pic.twitter.com/wE8bvA4QI3— Patrick Barron (@BlueBarronPhoto) November 11, 2018
Shea Patterson threw for 260 yards and three scores. A really good game for him! But all stats against Rutgers only count for half in your season totals. Sorry Shea, those are the rules.
Biggest weakness: Didn’t even come close to honoring this special.
Karan Higdon had a weirdly terrible game against Rutgers. He only rushed for 42 yards on 15 carries (still scored twice though, so whatevs). The Wolverines also didn’t score until 45 seconds left in the first quarter and after that they were tied, WITH RUTGERS, at 7-7 in the second quarter.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 3 p.m. CST
Michigan State Spartans
S&P+ rank: 32nd overall, 103rd offense, 4th defense, 47th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 10 Ohio State, 26-6
Biggest strength: I think Michigan and Michigan State should trade coaches next year and see if they tie.
Well, well, well how the turntables... https://t.co/lChve1s3N3— Ben Lamons (@Ben_Lamons12) November 10, 2018
Thanks for staying extremely on brand, MSU.
Never underestimate the importance of a good punter and field position in football. Ohio State's special teams won the game for them. I don't think I've ever seen so many punts downed inside the five-yard line before.— Ryan O'Bleness (@ryanobleness) November 10, 2018
This game has gone full #B1G. Now playing the field position game by intentionally taking a safety just to flip the field.— The Only Colors (@TheOnlyColors) November 10, 2018
Just like they drew it up.— Land-Grant Holy Land (@Landgrant33) November 10, 2018
No seriously, they drew it up like this. pic.twitter.com/TPcWD8sCTb
The more I read about this game, the more I think it should be sent to the College Football Hall of Fame as a perfect encapsulation of B1G football. There are the two tweets noted above but allow me to dive in a bit deeper. At the end of the first half this...what have you, transpired.
Ok.— R_Fraser #GoBlue #JustOneBeforeIDie (@RF_1071) November 10, 2018
Michigan State ball.
Timeout Michigan State.
Timeout Ohio State.
Timeout Ohio State.
Timeout Michigan State.
Sounds about right.
After being pinned inside the five for the billionth time, MSU ran this play that resulted in an aOsu touchdown.
Dre'Mont Jones : Fumble recovery in the endzone for a touchdown (His 3rd defensive TD this season) pic.twitter.com/rXYsjAKUja— Lee Harvey (@MusikFan4Life25) November 10, 2018
MSU went 2-for-16 on third down, rushed for 54 yards, swapped QBs randomly and got their doors blown off by a team that might suck. If you watched any of this game please send a refund request to the Big Ten Conference c/o Jim Delany.
Biggest weakness: Fucking hell, Michigan State. Your offense is an embarrassment to the Big Ten. Which is a conference BUILT on embarrassing offenses!
Good morning. There are 64 Power 5 football teams in the country. Michigan State has scored more points this season than exactly two of them: Rutgers and Kansas State.— Scott Bell (@sbell021) November 14, 2018
Have a great day.
To be fair, rivalry games always get later kickoff times.
October:— The Gruff (@TheGruffSpartan) November 13, 2018
MSU “Home game against ranked Michigan?”
B1G Office “Noon.”
MSU “Home game against Purdue?”
B1G Office “Noon.”
MSU “Home game against ranked Ohio State?”
B1G Office “Noon.”
MSU “Home game against Rutgers?”
B1G Office “4pm” pic.twitter.com/AyV2yVsVst
You sure did make the internet, coach.
Dantonio explains the QB situation...before the lights go off. pic.twitter.com/6rlXZxPMcJ— Colton Pouncy (@colton_pouncy) November 10, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST
Ohio State Buckeyes
S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 10th offense, 32nd defense, 41st special teams
Last week’s result: (W) at No. 18 Michigan State, 26-6
Biggest strength: This is how punter Drue Chrisman’s day started.
Drue Chrisman just punted a ball into the seventh row. Netted 4 yards. Wow.— Hayden Grove (@H_Grove) November 10, 2018
This is how it ended.
If Drue Chrisman isn’t in the CFP Rankings and some 4-loss teams are I will burn this sport to the ground https://t.co/zXunzg7Djm— Tom Fornelli (@TomFornelli) November 14, 2018
Drue Chrisman has had a punt land at the Michigan State 1, 2, 3, 5, and 6 yard line today #Heisman— Sports Nation Ohio (@SN_Ohio) November 10, 2018
HE GOT A HIGHLIGHT VIDEO THAT HAS OVER 118,000 VIEWS!
He also had jokes for the media.
Punter Drue Chrisman in the media room, at the mic, after today's game:— Derrick Webb (@dw1509) November 10, 2018
"I didn't even know this room existed."
Biggest weakness: #PuntToWin
Drue Chrisman is going to win Big Ten Special Teams Player of the Week the same week he set an Ohio State record for shortest punt with a four-yarder in the first quarter.— Eleven Warriors (@11W) November 10, 2018
WHAT THE HELL BIG TEN CONFERENCE?!?!?!?!
Had a feeling kicking that ball to the kid in the 7th row would cost me https://t.co/G0vQBNg9OR— Drue Chrisman (@DChrisman91) November 12, 2018
Ok, hot punting action aside, Ohio State was in the news again this week for off the field stuff. Brett McMurphy, who seems to have nothing else to do but look into things that might make Urban Meyer and Ohio State look bad, has really stepped in it this time.
Multiple sources told @WatchStadium that Urban Meyer helped cover up a racially-charged practice altercation b/w former assistant Zach Smith & former Buckeye Trevon Grimes in 2017. Ohio State admits “interaction” b/w Smith & Grimes, but denies racial slur https://t.co/SErLV2UZeU— Brett McMurphy (@Brett_McMurphy) November 13, 2018
That was the story McMurphy posted and afterwards, well...it was basically everyone associated with the Ohio State football program that has a Twitter account said McMurphy was completely wrong.
Saw very few tweets from Ohio State players over the past three months about the previous allegations that were made against Zach Smith, but wide receivers Johnnie Dixon, Parris Campbell and Austin Mack all strongly deny this morning's accusation that Smith used a racial slur. https://t.co/fLZ78r83bt— Dan Hope (@Dan_Hope) November 13, 2018
Shit, even the University issued a statement.
McMurphy better hope his new gig has decent lawyers on retainer, although I don’t know how much could actually be proven against him in a defamation suit. Maybe any lawyers we have that read this site could offer an actual, informed opinion!
Urban Meyer says Ohio State is "certainly looking into legal action" against Brett McMurphy regarding this morning's report.— Dan Hope (@Dan_Hope) November 13, 2018
This shouldn’t take away any of your thoughts that Urban Meyer is a complete and total scumbag who deserves nothing good in life, but in this one instance it would appear that he is the ::throws up in mouth:: one in the right.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Maryland, 11 a.m. CST
Penn State Nittany Lions
S&P+ rank: 13th overall, 33rd offense, 14th defense, 64th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Wisconsin, 22-10
Biggest strength: After the first two drives of the game, Penn State basically just held Wisconsin at arm’s length and let the Badgers do stupid shit while they played an average game and won comfortably. That’s what a team with an athletic defense and pretty ok offense can do against UW this year. Miles Sanders rushed for 159 yards and a touchdown.
This is a sweet-ass picture of Sanders rushing for some of those yards.
Great shot from Getty Images of Penn State running back Miles Sanders running the 110 hurdles against Wisconsin. Sanders said he's done leaping, though. “The second one kind of hurt." pic.twitter.com/t9kp3IAdZv— Mark Wogenrich (@MarkWogenrich) November 11, 2018
Good for Robert Windsor for balling out against his home-state team.
It doesn't get much sweeter than this for Penn State DT Robert Windsor, a Wisconsin native coming off his first two-sack performance against the Badgers.— Tyler Donohue (@TDsTake) November 12, 2018
"That allows his family to go back home and wear their Penn State sweatshirts to the grocery store."https://t.co/uhFVmBQSaR
Biggest weakness: The rush defense was pretty poor for PSU and they fumbled a couple of times to keep the Badgers “in it.” But they, and everyone else, knew that they were going to win. A team can’t really win with half an offense. ::glares at Wisconsin pass protection and Coan’s completion percentage::
Whatever, I hate Penn State and I’m sad that Wisconsin lost to them. Here is a picture of Jimmy Buckets looking fly as hell in the new City Edition unis.
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11 a.m. CST
Rutgers Scarlet Knights
S&P+ rank: 123rd overall, 126th offense, 102nd defense, 27th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 4 Michigan, 42-7
Biggest strength: I would like an entire documentary on this commercial, please and thank you.
Behind the scenes footage of the Chili's Baby Back Ribs jingle. I am here today to talk about this and only this pic.twitter.com/Hn4MDn6J8u— Kenny Keil (@kennykeil) November 9, 2018
Biggest weakness: They should maybe wear name tags to their next game?
Jim Harbaugh was heaping praise the Rutgers head coach. Just one problem: He called him Rob. And that's kinda not his name. Story: https://t.co/sFPwqAwJcm— Steve Politi (@StevePoliti) November 11, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 20 Penn State, 11 a.m. CST
Illinois Fighting Illini
S&P+ rank: 100th overall, 59th offense, 122nd defense, 14th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at Nebraska, 54-35
Biggest strength: Illinois put the ball on the turf seven times, including two muffed punts, but only lost three fumbles (and threw two interceptions)!
If you’re going to watch an Illini game, whether it be now, 10 years ago or 20 years in the future, you have to accept that we are going to muff a punt. If you’re lucky, we’ll only turn it over that way one time— The Champaign Room (@Champaign_Room) November 10, 2018
Jordan Holmes returned a punt for -17 yards. Quarterback A.J. Bush threw for 126 yards and those two picks, HOWEVAH he rushed for 187 yards and three touchdowns.
Biggest weakness: At least it’s basketball season now for the Illini
When you get outcoached by Patrick Ewing in the second half, you have nobody to scowl at but yourself.— The Champaign Room (@Champaign_Room) November 14, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 21 Iowa, 2:30 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 33rd overall, 87th offense, 21st defense, 36th special teams
Last week’s result: (L) vs. Northwestern, 14-10
Biggest strength: Iowa really fucked everyone over by allowing Northwestern to win the B1G West (NEVERMIND THE REST OF THE SEASON, PEDANTS!) So let’s take a quick detour to Drew’s NBA Corner!
Draymond Green and Kevin Durant got INTO IT. Green got suspended and who knows if this is the end of the Dubs Dynasty as we know it...or just nothing and the Warriors waltz to another title still.
Sources: In midst of verbal exchange on court late in Monday's game, Draymond Green challenged Kevin Durant about Durant's impending free agency. As teammates came at Green about his turnover, he responded. This has been a simmering issue for the Warriors today.— Shams Charania (@ShamsCharania) November 13, 2018
Draymond Green - DNP (Repeatedly called his teammate a bitch)— Andrew Sharp (@andrewsharp) November 13, 2018
"Y'all think maybe Draymond Green runs his mouth too much?"— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) November 13, 2018
Headband Joe Ingles is the latest meme to take over #NBATwitter and rightly so! He’s a danged legend!
Then he told Grayson Allen to shut up, which was the best.
Grayson be quiet and carry my bags— Joe Ingles (@Joeingles7) November 13, 2018
Biggest weakness: Here is something that is nice.
Through the Years: Trae Young & Kevin Durant pic.twitter.com/5bZxBYLCIs— David Astramskas (@redapples) November 14, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST
Minnesota Golden Gophers
S&P+ rank: 53rd overall, 78th offense, 50th defense, 15th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Purdue, 41-10
Biggest strength: Having natural layers to survive winter.
::extremely Donald Trump voice:: We have the biggest crowds. The best. All other crowds pale in comparison.
The Gophers gashed the Purdue defense for 6.5 yards per carry, while they held the Boilers to 2.9 yards per carry. That is the oldest recipe in the book for winning in the Big Ten.
Biggest weakness: I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU, MINNESOTA FOOTBALL!
Last week Minnesota gave up 430 yards rushing in a blowout loss to Illinois. This week: pic.twitter.com/KbbqyMR9Dz— Matt Hinton (@MattRHinton) November 10, 2018
Jeff Brohm going to Louisville to escape P.J. Fleck’s wrath.
You know, we've heard a ton of locals say "look what Jeff Brohm and Purdue are doing compared to Minnesota" in the past month. And I believe at some point there was some Fleck/Brohm bad blood.— Ryan James (@RyanJamesMN) November 10, 2018
Today one of those guys has his team rolling and the other can't get a first down.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 43rd offense, 56th defense, 110th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) vs. Illinois, 54-35
Biggest strength: Cracking cold ones with the boys!
Adrian Martinez looked pretty good again and accounted for four total Nebraska touchdowns. Devine Ozigbo rushed for 162 yards and three scores (on 11 carries!), and Stanley Morgan caught eight receptions for 131 yards and two touchdowns. If Nebraska could play against Illinois every week they might just get back to the ‘90s yet!
Biggest weakness: This play, which has nothing to do with Nebraska, is the funniest shit I’ve seen this season. Enjoy.
This was a close second.
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 18 Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 77th overall, 109th offense, 27th defense, 125th special teams
Last week’s result: (W) at No. 21 Iowa, 14-10
Biggest strength: Owning Bill Connelly.
LOOK AT THIS GAME!
are you sex-u-aaaall— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) November 10, 2018
Biggest weakness: Me, looking at the B1G West standings.
But, I guess I should just shut up and let these nerds celebrate.
NORTHWESTERN'S GOING TO THE BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!— Rodger Sherman (@rodger) November 11, 2018
WE WENT 0-3 IN NON-CONFERENCE PLAY!
WE LOST TO AKRON!
THIS IS THE GREATEST FOOTBALL SEASON EVER
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 11 a.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 40th overall, 23rd offense, 63rd defense, 71st special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at Minnesota, 41-10
Biggest strength: Official B1G Roast Crush Rondale Moore had eight catches for 76 yards and touchdown. But, uh, this is how the game went for the most part if you are a Purdue fan.
Oh fuck we still have 1 more quarter to go?— Cancer Sucks (@HammerAndRails) November 10, 2018
Biggest weakness: Keep losing to Minnesota like that and nobody is gonna want your head coach.
When Louisville fires their head coach and suddenly they wanna come North to steal yours... pic.twitter.com/qtN2bjEShP— #JuansTheOne2028 (@Air_Force_Juan) November 11, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Wisconsin, 2:30 p.m. CST
S&P+ rank: 17th overall, 14th offense, 38th defense, 102nd special teams
Last week’s result: (L) at No. 20 Penn State, 22-10
Biggest strength: I actually had a glimmer of hope after this play. Lol at me.
Wisconsin is starting off strong against Penn State pic.twitter.com/3zmSTKC8NH— Athlon Sports (@AthlonSports) November 10, 2018
Jonathan Taylor, and the rest of the running game, was great against PSU. T.J. Edwards, Ryan Connelly, Zack Baun and Andrew Van Ginkel were great, too! Most importantly, Rafael Gaglianone is one field goal away from having a #nice career total.
Hello, it is important to me that everyone knows this: @rafagaglianone is one field goal away from having 69 for his career. #nice #onwisconsin #badgers #recordholder @B1Gfootball @BigTenNetwork @B5Q @UWBadgers @BadgerFootball— #1 Inactive Account (@drewhamm5) November 14, 2018
Brad Davison, who played football in high school so this relates to this column, is Wisconsin’s No. 1 Receipt Keeper. Maybe the basketball team is going on a #RevengeTour like Michigan football?
Biggest weakness: A lot of stuff. Pass protection, quarterback play, stopping the run and play calling/coaching decisions all could have been better.
Wisconsin falls to Penn State 22-10 in Happy Valley. One-dimensional offense (209 rush yards, 60 passing) could not get in rhythm (4-of-15 on third downs).— Bucky's 5th Quarter (@B5Q) November 10, 2018
Like Wisconsin was being coached by Andy Reid in the freaking Super Bowl against the Patriots that one time.
Wisconsin taking their time on this drive, which makes no sense but is fine by me.— Black Shoe Diaries (@BSDtweet) November 10, 2018
Gallows humor suits Wisconsin tbqh.
The highlight of the Penn State-Wisconsin game was this fan signaling first down on a play where the Wisconsin QB was sacked and fumbled, Penn State recovered and then fumbled it back to Wisconsin. pic.twitter.com/nn6MSMLOQg— Yahoo Sports College Football (@YahooSportsCFB) November 10, 2018
An evergreen tweet this season.
What is Paul Chryst thinking?— Black Shoe Diaries (@BSDtweet) November 10, 2018
This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST