The B1G Roast: This Is An NBA Blog Now

Hello, friends.

I am sorry there was no Roast last week. I really wanted to tear aOsu limb from metaphorical limb, but I’m sure it wouldn’t have mattered because Urban Meyer has already forgotten about being steamrolled by Purdue and The Roast’s Tiny, Shifty Adult Son Rondale Moore. I wanted to discuss the absolute DISRESPEKT that Michigan showed to Michigan State both before, and during, the game. Northwestern squeaked by Rutgers, huh? I bet even with a backup quarterback the Badgers can win in Evanston.

Anyway, I couldn’t write any of that because I was in Portland all week for a conference. “Wait a second, Drew, aren’t you a bartender” you, an idiot, might say. To which I’d respond, “yeah, duh, I’m a bartender. I only talk about it all the time!” Oh, and I’d also add that the conference I attended is called Portland Cocktail Week and it is for the continuing education of working bartenders and was also super fun and interesting. I went to class all morning/afternoon, which was a really weird feeling since I wouldn’t even do that when I was literally paying the University of Wisconsin thousands of dollars, and then had events all evening. Maybe if my classes at Wisconsin allowed us to bring cocktails in proper glassware instead of green Nalgene bottles like I di...uhhhh, my friends did, then I would have gone more often.

So yeah, I didn’t get much writing done last week, although I am still waiting for the brewery profile questions to be answered by an unnamed Evanston, IL brewery that I spoke to because I didn’t want y’all to be thirsty before the game. Hopefully you were still able to find beer if you went to the game. I believe(d) in you.

Now that we’ve got that housekeeping out of the way it’s time to discuss a new direction that I am taking this blog: it is an NBA blog now. I might add some stuff about Bravo shows and the occasional anecdote about my child, but it’ll mainly be NBA.

Photo by Drew Hallowell/Getty Images

::knock on door::

::Jake & Mike walk in and both shake their heads at me whilst brandishing bats with spikes in them::

Upon further review this blog will continue to be about B1G sports, regardless of how stupid they are.

::waits for Mike and Jake to turn around::

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 76th overall, 83rd offense, 66th defense, 62nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Minnesota, 38-31

Biggest strength: The Hoosiers almost did it. Down 31-9 entering the fourth quarter, the Hoosiers scored a boatload of points in quick succession to tie the game but still ended up losing to the potent (WTF?!?) Gopher offense. At one point they were losing so badly I mentioned it, apropos of nothing we were talking about, on the B5Q Slack chat.

Large Adult Son Stevie Scott had 96 yards and a touchdown, the defense recovered three fumbles and had a pick, but Peyton Ramsey fumbled (his third turnover of the game) after Minnesota went ahead 38-31 and that was that. Indiana football might be the saddest B1G football fan base (Illinois fan base excluded).

Biggest weakness: Thoughts during the first three quarters of the game.

But then the comeback started!

But then it ended.

Giving up 302 yards and three touchdowns to Tanner Morgan (first career start at QB) is a recipe for a house-cleaning of the coaching staff.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 54th overall, 89th offense, 37th defense, 17th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Illinois, 63-33

Biggest strength: Maryland’s offensive output against Illinois was so impressive I’m not even going to note how many plays they ran.

712 YARDS!?!?!?! 12-OF-15 ON THIRD DOWN?!?!?!?! Holy shirts and pants that’s amazing! Kasim Hill went 11-for-19 with 265 yards and three TDs through the air and Javon Leake had five carries for 140 yards and three touchdowns AND ADDED A 97-YARD KICK RETURN FOR A TOUCHDOWN!

Biggest weakness: Maryland LB Tre Watson was ejected for targeting, his second such ejection of the season, after drilling Illinois starting quarterback whose name I will not look up. Fun fact about Watson: he used to play for Illinois! And he also wore this shirt under his jersey!

See, the “ill” in “Littyville” is capitalized because those are also the first three letters of the “Illinois” the state where the school he used to play for is located. I don’t know why there is a “z” at the end of “kingz.” That’s not how you spell that word and he should know that. He has gone to TWO colleges! I guess some people just care about looking “kewl” for the cameras.

HERE’S A TERRIBLE DEVELOPMENT THAT OCCURRED AFTER I FINISHED WRITING THIS SECTION!

Fuck this with sandpaper wrapped log. If you are a parent how can you look at your son and say “yes, I think attending Maryland to play football is the right choice for you.”?

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 29th offense, 1st (!!!) defense, 35th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Drew’s NBA Corner lives on! I don’t care how many spikes Jake and Mike have in their bats!!

Did y’all see that the Warriors beefed with Fergie’s ex-husband, Josh Duhamel, of Taco Bell commercial and Hasboro commercial (aka Transformers movies) fame? It all started at the All-Star Game last year when Fergie delivered a rendition of our national anthem that was so bad I’m surprised she wasn’t deported. Draymond Green reacted how any of us would have during the song.

And as mentioned above Fergie’s ex-husband said Green should apologize and called him a “prick” and “not a real man.” Why he was being interviewed and asked about this all these months later? Well, that’s for the Lord to know and us to give thanks.

We should give thanks because the Warriors responded by posting this video, remixing Fergie’s anthem attempt, to the series of tubes we call home and friends? It slaps. It slaps HARD.

Then everyone started commenting! Kevin Durant just said “Pricks,” Boogie Cousins said “Be a real man,” Jordan Bell was commenting on his dancing and Trae Young called it a “Banger!”

You have to respect Duhamel for knowing when he was beat, though. As they say, if you come at the kings (not the Kings, they suck), you best not miss.

Biggest weakness: The NBA is the best and Halloween is alright (decidedly NOT one of my favorite holidays) but I’d change my mind on Halloween if Jabari Parker had to keep guessing “what’s in the box.”

And speaking of Halloween and Portland here is a video of my new favorite player. ::GLASS SHATTERS::

As far as actual NBA talk? The Sixers have looked kinda bad this year and the Bucks have looked really good. The Raptors (despite getting blasted by the undefeated Bucks!) and Warriors seem to be the two best teams in the league and the Cavs (and Browns too!) just fired their coach after starting 0-6. Klay Thompson also made an NBA record 14 three pointers (in three quarters) against the pitiful Bulls on Monday night, so he remains good. #analysis

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 14 Penn State, 2:45 p.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 33rd overall, 102nd offense, 14th defense, 46th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Purdue, 23-13

Biggest strength: I don’t care even a little bit about the outcome of this game because this was brought to my attention: MSU HAS TWO BROTHERS THAT START ON THE D-LINE AND SPEAK POLISH TO EACH OTHER DURING THE GAME TO CONFUSE THEIR OPPONENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

MSU is now officially the west side of Chicago’s B1G team for sure. They celebrate Sączki Day in East Lansing on Fat Tuesday I bet. Ok, that’s enough regional Polish/college football/pastry jokes for one blog.

Biggest weakness: I understand that you’re excited for your backup quarterback playing well against Purdue, worth noting that aOsu’s STARTING quarterback couldn’t do that, but stop stealing the things that belong to Philadelphia or Sal, any of them, from West Kensington will find you and bash your skull in with a soft pretzel.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Maryland, 11 a.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 4th offense, 45th defense, 32nd special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Do you like candy corn? Because I do and if you don’t I think you’re an idiot.

When I voted the Lakers were “winning” the vote at 73%. Go Kings! Go Candy Corn!

Biggest weakness: I’d like someone to ask Urban Meyer if he plans on coaching next year after Ohio State gets shut out in the CFP again.

Remember when Purdue annihilated Ohio State two weeks ago? Yeah...that was awesome.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Nebraska, 11 a.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 10th overall, 22nd offense, 21st defense, 61st special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 18 Iowa, 30-24

Biggest strength: A hobbled Trace McSorley still accounted for 230 total yards and two touchdowns in a miserable looking day in State College. Their defense looked gassed, because they were on the field forever, but still came up huge on this play that, well, probably should have been a timeout for Iowa.

Biggest weakness: Why can’t Penn State ever close out a game, against a team with a pulse, without making it interesting?

I guess when you play Iowa nothing ever makes sense so the Lions should just take this result and run to Ann Arbor to, presumably, get their asses handed to them.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 5 Michigan, 2:45 p.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 124th overall, 128th offense, 75th defense, 7th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Here are the teams that Rutgers is rated more highly than according to overall S&P+: San Jose State, UTEP, UTSA, Bowling Green, Rice and UConn.

Here are the teams that Rutgers is rated more highly than according to Offensive S&P+: UTSA and Central Michigan.

UTSA has somehow won three games this year, although those wins were against Rice and UTEP (mentioned above) above Texas State, who sits at a lofty 108th in S&P+. Maybe the B1G should see how valuable the San Antonio tv market is...

Biggest weakness: I have so many questions about this tweet.

At what event was this stolen from? How did someone get away with a colon that large and no one noticed? What were the thieves’ plans with it? Who at the KCPD okayed the #stolencolon? Since it was found in a vacant house was that just a stash spot until the heat died down or were the thieves planning to move in and the stolen colon was the thing that really tied the room together? How many people does it take to steal a colon? How long was the planning meeting? Was this like an Ocean’s movie where they had a whole bunch of dudes involved? Will there be a movie adaptation of this? CAN THERE PLEASE BE A MOVIE ADAPTATION OF THIS!?!?!

Rutgers should run out of the locker room through this for real though.

PART TWO OF TERRIBLE THINGS THAT CAME OUT AFTER I FINISHED WRITING A SECTION!

Hey, at least Rutgers kicked this guy off the team for THINKING about committing murder. Maryland just reinstated a guy who helped actually murder Jordan McNair. Fuck.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Wisconsin, 11 a.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 114th overall, 75th offense, 118th defense, 22nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Maryland, 63-33

Biggest strength: For these posts I read through team’s official Twitter feeds, the SBN blog of the team and a variety of other fans’ feeds that I know support said team and let me tell you what. Illinois fans are in a dark place right now. It’s not even fun to joke around about the Illini. Like, Rutgers? They don’t even care so it’s fine to take all the shots you want. Nebraska? They really care so it’s FINE to take all the shots you want? Wisconsin? That’s my team and I will be taking a number of shots at them. But Illinois? Makes me sad.

Lovie Smith’s quotes make me want to throw a brick through the window of an Arby’s.

Biggest weakness: You give up 63 points to Maryland, you give up your job. Those are the rules.

Also, uh, if you give up all these points to all these other teams you, uh, gotta resign too.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 24th overall, 94th offense, 9th defense, 21st special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 17 Penn State, 30-24

Biggest strength: If you were checking into this game near the start of the second quarter you’d have seen the score at 14-7, Iowa winning. You’d probably have a similar response to this reporter.

Iowa got to 14 points in the Most Iowa Way Possible: two safeties, a field goal and...well...just see for yourself.

THAT IS AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT CATCH MADE BY AN EXTREMELY LARGE MAN! HOLY SHIT!

I am now this meme IRL.

Except Blue Shirt Girl is “Paul Chryst’s Play Calls” and Red Shirt Girl is “Kirk Ferentz’s Play Calls.” WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!?!?!?!

Iowa’s tight end duo of Noah Fant and T.J. Hockenson had eight catches for 119 yards while the defense had three sacks, a pick six and a freaking punter throw a touchdown to a defensive lineman.

Biggest weakness: I know we complain a lot around here about the Wisconsin offense but just imagine being a fan of Iowa’s offense.

Maybe they should try their punter at quarterback all the time?

Poor Herky got drilled in the nads by a Nate Stanley pass.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 2:30 p.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 59th overall, 87th offense, 39th defense, 12th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Indiana, 38-31

Biggest strength: The Gophers have had four different running backs rush for over 100 yards this season. Shannon Brooks ran for 154 and a touchdown on Friday while Tyler Johnson had 102 receiving yards and two touchdowns and Rashod Bateman added 108 yards and one score. Blake Cashman had 10 tackles.

The Indiana defense is in a giving mood. IT IS BARELY HALLOWEEN YOU JAGS! STOP WITH THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!

Biggest weakness: Fumbled five (!!!!!) times but only lost three so...good job?

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS! B1G LIFE! B1G STAGE! B1G FOOTBALL!

Friday night football is for high schools and the bad teams in C-USA, plz leave the, admittedly almost as bad as the bad team in C-USA, B1G out of it.

I love the #MinnesotaNice clap the Gophers received after winning the game. So polite here!

When you win your first conference game in five tries you are not allowed to quote DJ Khaled. “All you do is lose, lose, lose, lose, barely win no matter what!”

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Illinois, 2:30 p.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 45th offense, 63rd defense, 101st special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Bethune-Cookman (LOOOOOOOOL), 45-9

Biggest strength: We are not going to dignify this farce of a game with any sort of discussion.

Such a tourist!

Biggest weakness: It’s because they knew you were the only chance they might get to see a win the rest of the year.

Let’s, uhhhh, let’s worry about sneaking up on Purdue or Akron first, guys.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 8 Ohio State, 11 a.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 64th overall, 105th offense, 28th defense, 122nd special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 20 Wisconsin, 31-17

Biggest strength: Northwestern kind of sucks. Their offense is terrible and their special teams are worse. That being said, they are 5-1 in the B1G and just whupped (I guess? It was more of a slapped into submission sort of loss) the Badgers in Evanston.

Their quarterback had a bad game, they averaged under four yards per carry but they still won. It is infuriating. I hope Ryan Field falls into Lake Michigan and Wisconsin never has to play there again. W/e, beat Notre Dame to spare all of us those assholes making the Playoff.

Biggest weakness: I don’t know if I’ve hated a person I’ve never met more than this man.

The Almost Darkest Timeline is upon us.

The Darkest Timeline would be if you replaced Northwestern with Minnesota and Purdue with Nebraska. ::shudders:: Can you even imagine?

NOT EVERY TEAM CAN HAVE MO BAMBA AS THEIR TEAM’S ANTHEM!

Last version only, if you a real one.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 3 Notre Dame, 6:15 p.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 30th overall, 20th offense, 61st defense, 84th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Michigan State, 23-13

Biggest strength: Official B1G Roast Crush Rondale Moore had 11 catches, but only managed 74 yards, and, sans a couple of linebackers that had 11 tackles each, everyone else on the whole entire team was terrible.

Smart thinking by Purdue. A real Intergalactic 5-D Chess move.

Biggest weakness: For this, and many other reasons, contract Indiana from the United States.

David Blough threw three picks and Spencer Evans missed two field goals.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 19 Iowa, 2:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 17th overall, 10th offense, 55th defense, 109th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Northwestern, 31-17

Biggest strength: <3 u forever, Rafa!

Biggest weakness: I don’t remember much about this guy (from when I was regularly on twitter dot com) but I do remember thinking he was kind of a jackass who sucked and I hate agreeing with him here.

Like, what in the actual hell goes through Paul Chryst’s head during real, live football action? From the first drive of the freaking game, which also featured a called timeout BEFORE THE FIRST SNAP, when the Badgers punted on fourth and two from the NU 46 you just knew this game was going to be dumb. Hell, most of us knew before the game even started it was going to be dumb, that’s just what happens when the Badgers play in Evanston.

Later in the game (at the end of the third quarter to be precise), down 14 points, Chryst opts to attempt a 51-yard field goal instead of going for it on fourth and five from the NU 33-yard line. I love Rafael Gaglianone like he is my actual son and I am incensed at that decision. GO FOR IT YOU PUDDING-BRAINED SWEATSUIT!

After forcing Northwestern to punt after the missed field goal, Wisconsin fumbles (twice on the same play by Jack Coan!) and the Wildcats recover and score a touchdown a few plays later. So the Badgers, now down 21, march down to the Cats’ 32-yard line and on fourth and two mercifully decided to go for it! Do they hand it to the nation’s leading rusher? Or maybe to the bowling bowl shaped backup tailback? THEY SURE DON’T! Guy making his first career start under center better handle the ball and huck an incomplete pass.

Why even bother having an identity as a MIDWEST BIG TEN SMASHMOUTH HUGE GUY KNOCKS YOU OVER offense if you don’t use it when it matters? I don’t know...maybe I’m the idiot. Who even cares?

Coan was...mediocre. He isn’t better than Alex Hornibrook and if you think so you are wrong and probably should rethink your life. Jonathan Taylor absolutely has to stop fumbling. I don’t even know what else to say about it? BE MINDFUL OF THE FOOTBALL, JONATHAN! The defense played admirably and Ryan Connelly and T.J. Edwards should be given a week-long, all expenses paid, vacation to Mexico for their efforts in this game.

It sucks being so wrong about something like I was a few short months ago, about this team. ::sigh::

The worst part of all this? Darren Rovell is happy and chatting shit.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Rutgers, 11 a.m. CST