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The B1G Roast: Nebraska!

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Hello. We are going to roast Nebraska this week.

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NCAA Football: Purdue at Nebraska
That’s the good stuff.
Bruce Thorson-USA TODAY Sports

You ever watch a sporting event and just know something is going to happen? My freshman year of college, Wisconsin played defending national champion and owner of a 19-game winning streak, Ohio State. I don’t know why, but I was 100 percent certain that Wisconsin was going to win that game. I just knew it. I could feel it in my bones.

If you can remember that long ago, you’ll know how that game ended.

Schabert-to-Evans is the most prolific quarterback-to-wide receiver combo in Wisconsin history. Statistically speaking, I am correct. Don’t @ me.

To me, Wisconsin winning that game was inevitable. There are certain other things in sports that I felt were inevitable: I knew the Phillies were going to win the World Series in 2008; I knew my senior-year intramural basketball team was going to lose our playoff game that was scheduled on St. Patrick’s Day for, uh, obvious reasons; everyone knew the Warriors were going to win the NBA title last year.

When Penn State pinned Ohio State at its own four-yard line with 4:34 to play in the game up by five points, I knew. I knew the Buckeyes were going to win. I texted my friends that I was already upset about the outcome despite the seemingly difficult task Ohio State faced. The Buckeyes predictably marched right down Main Street, scoring in just over two minutes.

The inevitability of sports can sometimes take the excitement out of things, but when the inevitable doesn’t happen? That’s what makes sports so fun to invest in. The Yankees were going to beat the Red Sox and then Dave Roberts stole second base. The Warriors were going to beat the Cavs and then LeBron was, well, LeBron. Hell, Kentucky is 5–0 in men’s FBS college football this year! That certainly wasn’t inevitable.

I’m always upset when Ohio State does well, especially when it seems inevitable, but the Buckeyes were inevitably going to beat Wisconsin in 2003 and that, my friends, is why they play the games.

OMG, I’ve written so many words without even once mentioning that NEBRASKA IS 0–4 AND HAS LOST EIGHT STRAIGHT GAMES OVERALL AND 10 OF ITS LAST 11!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THE TRIPLE OPTION SUCKS AND SO DOES TOM OSBORNE, YOU CORN-HUMPING LOSERS!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 49th overall, 89th offense, 22nd defense, 54th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Rutgers, 24–17

Biggest strength: IU came out on top in the Big Ten’s fiercest rivalry and broke a contentious 2–2 stalemate in the all-time series. INDIANA FOOTBALL IS ON THE MAP, BABY! Large gentleman Stevie Scott had a rushing touchdown but only averaged 3.2 yards per carry. Peyton Ramsey accounted for two total touchdowns and Indiana did enough early to avoid losing to Rutgers in embarrassing fashion.

I don’t think Rutgers is in our conference, guys.

Biggest weakness: THE ASSOCIATED PRESS IS FAKE NEWS!

PISCATAWAY, N.J. -- In a story Sept. 29 about Indiana beating Rutgers in football, The Associated Press erroneously reported the name of an Indiana running back who scored a touchdown on a 16-yard run. He is Stevie Scott, not Scottie Stevens.

A corrected version of the story is below:

Do NOT disrespect my beautiful, bowling ball son, Stevie. He will come to your office and run through every single cubicle divider until there is nothing left except rubble and Karen’s week-old leftovers. Fucking Karen.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 3 Ohio State, 3 p.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 56th overall, 76th offense, 50th defense, 12th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: At least it wasn’t a quarterback!

Biggest weakness: D.J. Durkin should go to hell, or at a minimum, prison.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 15 Michigan, 11 a.m.

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 7th overall, 27th offense, 4th defense, 9th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Northwestern, 20–17

Biggest strength: Michigan was down 17–0 halfway through the second quarter and fought back to win. That shows some resilience! Good for you, Michigan. The Wolverines also out-gained the Wildcats by 174 yards on the day. Karan Higdon had two rushing touchdowns and averaged under four yards per carry and Shea Patterson had the Ultimate Game Manager stat line of under 200 passing yards, zero touchdowns, and zero interceptions.

The defense brutalized Northwestern to the tune of six sacks and 28 rushing yards allowed. Chase Winovich had nine tackles (three for loss) and a sack, and Josh Uche and Kwity Paye (which I’m pretty sure is just a sentient Chase payment app) each had two sacks.

Look, I’m not really into “sports conspiracies”—JUST KIDDING, I’M TOTALLY INTO THEM! Check out this wild one from Reddit about Michigan’s inability to get holding calls.

Kinda damning evidence considering how good Michigan’s defense, and specifically its defensive line, has been recently. WE DEMAND ANSWERS, JIM DELANY!

Biggest weakness: Chase Winovich memes are good.

The Wolverines had 11 penalties and I’m also pretty sure that Patterson sucks. Although, this was one of the penalties, so maybe only 10 penalties should count against them.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11 a.m.

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 21st overall, 47th offense, 17th defense, 28th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Central Michigan, 31–20

Biggest strength: Nothing too impressive in this game. Quarterback Brian Lewerke ran for two TDs but threw for zero. The MSU defense picked off two passes but Lewerke also threw one pick of his own.

At least there was some on-brand #B1G play in this game.

Biggest weakness: Taking their foot off the gas. MSU was up 31–3 in the fourth quarter and then proceeded to give up 17 points to a one-win Central Michigan team that looks likely to finish near the bottom of the MAC. Oh, that three points that CMU scored also allowed the Chips to have a 3–0 lead for the entire first quarter. How long does Mark Dantonio think games are?

Tough loss for the Spartans’ offense.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11 a.m.

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 3rd overall, 3rd offense, 23rd defense, 50th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at No. 9 Penn State, 27–26

Biggest strength: Dwayne Haskins had three touchdowns and was calm, cool, and collected in the fourth quarter while bringing the Buckeyes back from a double-digit deficit. Binjimen Victor had an insane touchdown catch to start the comeback.

Victor is, at best, the fourth wide receiver for aOsu and he just stomped a mudhole in Penn State’s dreams.

It must suck to have your existential crisis caught on national TV.

Chase Young had two of Ohio State’s four sacks, which is a pretty impressive number considering, for most of the game, it couldn’t find Trace McSorley, let alone tackle him behind the line of scrimmage.

Biggest weakness: I don’t know, man. Ohio State doesn’t look like it is operating at full strength. The Buckeyes have had a number of key injuries on defense and have given up the longest run AND pass in program history this year. They couldn’t run the ball consistently against PSU and their kicker missed his only field-goal attempt. The Buckeyes are still the team to beat in the B1G, but there are some cracks forming that someone is going to take advantage of ... hopefully before Bama gets a chance at ‘em.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Indiana, 3 p.m.

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 10th offense, 21st defense, 88th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 4 Ohio State, 27–26

Biggest strength: McSorley was masterful both throwing and running the ball for the Nittany Lions on Saturday night. He set a school-record by gaining 461 (!!!) yards of total offense, out-gaining the entire Buckeyes roster by 72, and set a career high in rushing with 175 yards. He threw two touchdowns and didn’t turn the ball over at all despite accounting for 94 percent of Penn State’s offense on the evening.

Oh, Juwan Johnson had, maybe, the Catch of the Century.

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WHAT A CATCH.

A post shared by House of Highlights (@houseofhighlights) on

Eat your heart out, OBJ. Penn State also had a 93-yard touchdown pass, which isn’t even its longest pass of the season. That’s pretty badass.

Biggest weakness: Unfortunately for Penn State, the heroic efforts of McSorley were all for naught because James Franklin and his coaching staff really B1G’d it up on 4th-and-5 with the game on the line and RAN THE DANG BALL (for a loss of yards and the game).

At least Franklin didn’t try to fight one of his own fans after the game for suggesting that his bad 4th-and-5 play call was, well, bad.

What’s that, you say?

Alright, well, he definitely didn’t threaten to turn into a Joker-esque supervillain by saying, “You guys thought I was a psychopath in the past? You have no idea,” before immediately switching topics.

Ope, I’m being told that I’ve been given some bad intel and he DID say those exact words (plz go to 0:59 in the video below).

Losing close games to aOsu is painful and makes you want to rethink your entire existence, I get it, but maybe take it down a notch or two, Coach. If Jim Harbaugh had been coaching PSU in this game, the Takes Industrial Complex would have shut down from being overworked.

Oh shit! Maybe Kirk Ferentz was coaching the game and not Franklin!

This week’s opponent: BYE

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 115th overall, 122nd offense, 75th defense, 5th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Indiana, 24–17

Biggest strength:

The last sentence in this tweet made me sad. They’re celebrating not getting blown out. Life is fleeting, folks. Take the victories where you can.

Kicker Justin Davidovicz made a 52-yard field goal. Linebacker Deonte Roberts had 14 tackles.

Biggest weakness: Still everything, mostly. Rutgers lost the time-of-possession battle, the total yards battle, the third-down conversion battle, the penalty battle—basically the only battle it won was the turnover battle and that was by 2–1, so not exactly like it was forcing turnovers left and right.

::sees that Illinois is a 1.5-point favorite in this game::

Yeah, I don’t think Rutger fans will have a difficult time blacking out for this game.

I missed this article from last week, but hooooooo boy does it give a scathing indictment of Chris Ash’s tenure at RU. The mothership also asked why Rutgers was so bad last week and couldn’t really come up with a good answer.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 11 a.m.

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 101st overall, 83rd offense, 110th defense, 14th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: It’s time once again for Drew’s NBA Corner, sponsored by SoBe Life Water! Our long, national nightmare is over and Kyrie Irving has finally admitted that he doesn’t ACTUALLY think the Earth is flat.

Let he among us who hasn’t fallen down a YouTube rabbit hole and then been 100 percent convinced that every person who goes to a Marlins game is actually a crisis actor, uh, cast the first stone. I’m just happy that Collin Sexton knows his Cleveland Cavaliers history.

My beautiful, cornrowed son is hitting jumpers now. WATCH OUT, BOSTON!

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Markelle Fultz hitting jumpers all over the court.

A post shared by House of Highlights (@houseofhighlights) on

I have no idea what on God’s green, round Earth Scary Terry Rozier is talking about here. But I do know that I should probably buy his shoes, you know, just so I’ve got drip?

For those thinking about getting NBA League Pass, I present to you Zach Lowe’s League Pass Team Rankings so you can decide if it’s worth it or not. I bought it last year with a buddy and it was great to have so I could check out the Sixers a bunch. Now that they’re officially good and on national TV all the time, I probably won’t buy it ... but I am developing quite the crush on the Phoenix Suns and also Luka Doncic is awesome soooooo...

The Ringer is doing an NBA Meme Bracket. The NBA produces the best memes out of all of the sports in the world and my favorite should win.

CUT HIM SOME SLACK, JENNIFER!

Biggest weakness: Oh Jesus Christ, Illinois. Get your shit together and beat Rutgers.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11 a.m.

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 27th overall, 92nd offense, 6th defense, 74th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: CNN is the worst.

Biggest weakness: I think I’m now a Georgia Southern fan.

Unfortunately, the last team I did an NCAA Dynasty with was Georgia State and I could never betray them by cheering for their fiercest rivals.

::watches video again::

#GATA BABY! LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOO!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Minnesota, 2:30 p.m.

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 115th offense, 11th defense, 4th special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Holy cow, there were a lot of B1G byes last weekend. I don’t think I have too much more to talk about ... hey! How about those Brewers!?!?! NL Central Division champs and best record in the NL! That’s pretty good!

NL Batting Champ Christian Yelich will probably also be the NL MVP and Chorizo should be the Sausage Race MVP. Do they do anything special for Playoff Sausage Races? I hope they all get special postseason uniforms, or at least patches, so everyone knows that the Sausages are also hyped up for the playoffs. SMDH, Cole Hamels, you really stepped in it this time.

Biggest weakness: The president was in Philadelphia on Tuesday.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Iowa, 2:30 p.m.

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 71st overall, 67th offense, 74th defense, 110th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Purdue, 42–28

Biggest strength: The Cornhuskers haven’t won a home football game in over a year, and that was a 10-point squeaker over Rutgers. Nebraska and Rutgers are literally at the same level in the Big Ten right now. Well, that’s not entirely true because Rutgers has won a game this season. Nebraska had nearly 600 yards of total offense and STILL lost by two touchdowns. The Cornhuskers committed 11 penalties for 136 yards and turned the ball over once (the only turnover of the game).

They are an atrocious trash heap of a football team and their addle-brained fan base couldn’t deserve this helping of humble pie any more. I wonder what Bo Pelini thinks about all of this?

The Nebraska offense even looked kind of good against Purdue! Adrian Martinez had his best game as a collegian and Devine Ozigbo ran really well, but their porous, Swiss cheese-esque defense couldn’t stop Brett Kavanaugh from saying he disliked beer. He likes beer, you guys. Brett Kavanaugh likes beer.

Biggest weakness: Scott Frost should probably just shut up forever and ever.

Man, did these kids commit to the right school then!

This guy gets it.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 16 Wisconsin, 6:30 p.m.

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 59th overall, 93rd offense, 31st defense, 119th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 14 Michigan, 20–17

Biggest strength: Blowing 17-point leads at “home” against a ranked team is not good. Averaging 0.8 yards per carry for an entire game is also not good. Trying to reason with people who yell about coaching decisions on Twitter is definitely also not good.

NU alums are also GREAT at getting roasted by athletic department accounts, apparently,

Biggest weakness: I attended a Michigan-Northwestern game at Ryan Field a few years ago with my uncle, a Michigan Man through and through, and the crowd was probably 60/40 Michigan fans. Glad to see some things never change in this crazy world.

I’m sure Pat Fitzgerald will love looking at this statistic.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 20 Michigan State, 11 a.m.

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 50th overall, 25th offense, 82nd defense, 81st special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Nebraska, 42–28

Biggest strength: B1G Roast crush Rondale Moore had a quiet eight catches for 85 yards and Brycen Hopkins caught five passes for 103 yards and a touchdown. Navon Mosley had 14 tackles, and Markus Bailey had 11 tackles and a sack. Purdue beat Nebraska, at Nebraska, and it was great. GREAT, I TELL YOU!

Biggest weakness: Purdue has no weaknesses this week thanks to its dismantling of Nebraska. Here is its official Twitter account roasting a fake account of a former Nebraska head coach. Sometimes, the internet is worth it.

This week’s opponent: BYE

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 13th overall, 11th offense, 49th defense, 32nd special teams

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: I’m pretty sure ECU is B1G now.

I remember the good ol’ days when beer went in your mouth or butt, like God intended. Today’s college students have no respect for proper oral or anal drinking methods. I think it’s a sign that this tweet was posted this week and I’ll be in Madison on Saturday for the Nebraska game. If you are going to chug a beer through your nose this weekend anywhere in Madison, please message me so I can come watch.

Biggest weakness: If every conference’s media availability isn’t hacked this week, I’m going to be kinda disappointed.

Me: “Hi, coach. Seymour Butts from the Plymouth (Minn.) World News and Ledger here. Tough loss for the Gophers this weekend. I really thought you looked and sounded like an asshole the entire game.”

P.J. Fleck: “Uh, is there a question?”

Me: “Nope! You’re an asshole.”

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Nebraska, 6:30 p.m.