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The B1G Roast: Oh my god, what the hell was that?

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Wisconsin football ... woof.

Wisconsin v Michigan Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Before we get into anything I would like for you to read this quick post from Bud Elliott on whether or not Wisconsin can beat good teams/should be considered a National Championship contender. Don’t mind the apparent stroke that Dave Bartoo had while composing the tweet that Elliott is basing his post on.

I also want to talk about a major scam that I recently uncovered at your, and my, favorite regional hamburger chain...Culver’s. Allow me to set the scene: I stopped by my local Culver’s and ordered my food and the total came to $11.39. I had a $10 bill in my wallet and didn’t want to pay with a credit card so my wife wouldn’t see the charge on our statement, so I fished around for $1.39 in change in my car. I was able to come up with $1.40 and thought I’d hand the $11.40 over to the cashier instead of a bunch of pennies, because I’m a nice and considerate man. HOWEVAH, I did not receive my change of $.01.

Let me say that again so it fully sinks in. I did NOT receive my change of $.01 from Culver’s.

I don’t know how long they’ve been running this scam but at the rate their going, they’ve now done this to me exactly one time in over a decade of patronizing their restaurants in multiple states, I don’t see how we’ll be able to stop the dirty, stolen, money machine of Culver’s by 4043.

They made up for it though because the Reese’s Concrete Mixer I ordered was so freaking good. Thanks, Culver’s. I’ll let it slide...this time.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 64th overall, 88th offense, 50th defense, 65th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Iowa, 42-16

Biggest strength: The only thing of note that IU did positively on Saturday was not allowing Iowa to gain 40 yards in three downs.

The Hawkeyes punted on 4th and 15! WIN FOR THE HOOSIERS!

Biggest weakness: It appears as though the fanbase has soured on offensive coordinator Mike DeBord.

That’s what they get for employing someone who once coached at Tennessee though. The team was penalized 10 times for 99 yards, averaged 2.7 yards on 25 carries (Large Adult Son Stevie Scott “led” the way with 29 yards on eight carries) and threw two picks.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 18 Penn State 2:30 p.m. CST

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 74th offense, 45th defense, 9th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Rutgers, 34-7

Biggest strength: Kasim Hill, who went a laughable 8-for-17 for 76 yards, tossed three touchdowns and is also the beneficiary of being the other team’s quarterback during the Worst Quarterbacking Performance In History that Rutgers delivered.

Ty Johnson ran for 132 yards (14.7 ypc!!!!) and a touchdown. Darnell Savage, Jr. had two interceptions, which equalled the amount of passes caught by his opponent...who, ostensibly, the ball was being aimed at. The team added three more interceptions and totaled 46 INT return yards which was 5.75 times more than the Scarlet Knights offense recorded in passing yards.

Biggest weakness: Does it really matter? They played Rutgers.

Let’s head over to Drew’s NBA Corner! The season starts tonight (I’m writing this on Tuesday and thus haven’t seen any live action yet) and I’m PUMPED!

The Sixers open at the loathsome Celtics and the Warriors play Brodie Westbrook and the Thunder. Pretty good opening night! ::checks phone:: Oh, it looks like Westbrook is sitting out the game tonight with an injured knee. Whatever, it’ll still be good.

I think the Western Conference Final will consist of the Warriors beating the Jazz handily and the Eastern Conference Finals will be the Celtics beating the Raptors in seven agonizing games. Anthony Davis will win MVP, my Beautiful, Young, Slovenian Son Luka Doncic will be ROTY, Nikola Jokic will make you fall in love with basketball again if you’ve strayed away, Joel Embiid will be DPOY, Ben Simmons will make one (1) three pointer this year and Twitter will melt the eff down, one of the young Lakers will win Most Improved Player because the best player on the planet is now playing on their team and finally the Suns will be the team that you want to watch on League Pass late night because you never know when Devin Booker will go for 60.

After weeks of careful consideration and research I think that the Warriors will probably win the NBA title again this year. If these takes are too hot for you, well buddy...you don’t have to click on this post.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Iowa, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 27th offense, 1st defense, 16th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. No. 15 Wisconsin, 38-13

Biggest strength: They have the best long snappers in the country at drawing roughing penalties.

Did you know that this penalty was also called against Wisconsin at The Big House in 2016?!?! And Michigan fans think there is some sort of international referee conspiracy against them. JFC. Their only penalty IN THE ENTIRE GAME was an excessive celebration after they returned a pick for a touchdown and, honestly, that shouldn’t be a penalty. If your team has a pick six they should be allowed to do a choreographed Broadway dance number at the opposing team’s sideline.

Listen, that penalty swung some momentum Michigan’s way and extended a drive on which they ended up scoring, but I am under no notion that had that penalty not been called and Wisconsin took over possession that the Badgers would have somehow won the game. Michigan was clearly the better team and it showed in just about every aspect. The fact that Michigan’s long snapper’s name is Cheeseman is a brutal own that we may never recover from as a state and a university.

The Wolverines pummeled the Badgers on Saturday night to the tune of 444 yards to 283, and zero turnovers to two, and 21 first downs to 11, and in a stat that actually matters for the Badgers 37:01 time of possession to 22:59. Shea Patterson was perfectly average passing the ball but ran for 90 yards (81 of that on one gallop) and a touchdown and backup quarterback Dylan McCaffrey also ran for a 44 yard TD.

The vaunted Michigan defense forced two Alex Hornibrook INTs (one of which was returned for a touchdown by Lavert Hill and caused me to start cackling like a crazy person in my living room) and flustered the Badger’s QB constantly. They did have trouble stopping the run game and Jonathan Taylor so you’d think that Taylor would have more carries than Hornibrook had passing attempts. You’d think that, but you would be a dumb, stupid idiot.

I don’t know if Michigan can beat aOsu this year, or even MSU and PSU, but I do know that their defense will keep them in any game and I know that they are definitely better than Wisconsin.

Biggest weakness: HERE’S A FUN FACT!

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 24 Michigan State, 11 a.m. CST

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 33rd overall, 75th offense, 21st defense, 36th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at No. 8 Penn State, 21-17

Biggest strength: Felton Davis III (eight catches, 100 yards, two scores) is pretty good.

MSU is playing backups at a number of positions on offense (namely running back, o-line and wideout) but still doing that annoying thing they always do by beating better teams than them. They fumbled the ball four times and LOST ZERO OF THEM! How in the hell does that even happen? Voodoo Dantonio Magic, that’s how.

Lol, they punted 10 times and still won. Only The Chainsmokers believed in them and that should be put on their bulletin board for the rest of the season.

Biggest weakness: I don’t know who came up with this crazy-ass fake field goal play but I want to hear more ideas from them on, well, anything.

People forget that The Land-Grant Trophy is the best sexiest rivalry trophy in any sport.

Lastly, TURNOVER CASKET!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 6 Michigan, 11 a.m. CST

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 5th overall, 4th offense, 41st defense, 20th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Minnesota, 30-14

Biggest strength: I would argue that Minnesota scoring 14 points is the MAIN cause for concern here.

Dwayne Haskins threw for 412 yards and three touchdowns. Is he going to win the Heisman? I’m seriously asking...who is supposed to win that thing? K.J. Hill had 187 yards and two scores. Will HE win the Heisman? I seriously don’t do very much research for these posts and I certainly won’t go looking up who is leading the Heisman Trophy ballot halfway through the season. I’m sure someone will win the Heisman and I’ll be baffled by it. It probably won’t be Nick Bosa, though.

Biggest weakness: I’m sure #thekids loved this.

Speaking of kids, my kid is currently obsessed with giving real dog treats to her stuffed puppy after making said puppy do “tricks.” My daughter will shake her whole body and that means she wants her stuffed puppy to extend her paw, she’ll bark when she wants the stuffed puppy to bark and she’ll literally get on the floor and roll over when she wants the stuffed puppy to do the same. Then she’ll put the treat on the puppy’s nose and go “k!” and then either mom or I will have the puppy attack the treat. My daughter will laugh and laugh and then make us do it again because parenting is finding something that makes your kid sit still and doing it over and over until they don’t find it interesting anymore. Usually lasts about three and a half minutes.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Purdue, 6:30 p.m. CST

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 7th overall, 19th offense, 16th defense, 98th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Michigan State, 21-17

Biggest strength: Penn State can’t close out good teams and it makes James Franklin so mad and me so happy. It’s nice to see that PSU fans have finally realized who the premier team in the state is.

Miles Sanders rushed for 162 yards and a score and continues to look very good replacing Saquon Barkley. Their defense had 14 (!!) passes defended but couldn’t defend the pass in key moments.

Biggest weakness: Um, Coach? I think the stats might matter a little.

Yeah...stats are important. Like for instance: in four of your last four losses you’ve blown a late lead against a division rival. #HireDrewAResearchAssistant

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Indiana, 2:30 p.m. CST

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 124th overall, 127th offense, 92nd defense, 8th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Maryland, 34-7

Biggest strength: Read this. And also this.

Biggest weakness: I absolutely love that Giovanni Rescigno’s ONLY pass attempt was an interception. V on brand. Rutgers scored a touchdown with under a minute left in the game to cap off a 13-play, 62-yard drive. Wanna guess how many of those plays were passes?

This guy is quickly becoming my favorite columnist. He just lights Rutgers up every week and doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop until they fire Chris Ash or shut down the program. SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, STEVE!

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Northwestern, 11 a.m. CST

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 102nd overall, 80th offense, 111th defense, 42nd special teams

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Purdue, 46-7

Biggest strength: Illinois blows chunks. Let’s talk about this quote from Illini head coach and wonderful beard haver, Lovie Smith.

What exactly is Lovie trying to say here? Let’s dive in.

First, Smith knows that Taylor is a man because he uses “he’s” to describe the Wisconsin running back. However, without hearing the question that led to this answer we can’t say with 100% certainty that Smith knows a) Taylor is a running back and b) Taylor is Wisconsin’s running back. I’d like to think that as the head football coach of a team in Wisconsin’s division Smith would know this, but one can never be sure what Lovie Smith does and doesn’t know. I’m not a mind reader!

Second, Smith knows that Taylor is a “player” (of what sport? Who can be sure?) that is “definitely” (that’s a bold statement by Smith) “a” (he knows the first letter of the alphabet) “scholarship” (how does he know the status of Taylor’s financial aid but not what position he plays or school he attends????) one.

Lastly, Smith is an idiot and Illinois eats butt.

Biggest weakness: Allow our SB Nation Illini brethren to take it from here.

OH MY GOD LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, LOVIE!

Pray for The Champaign Room.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at No. 23 Wisconsin, 11 a.m. CST

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 21st overall, 53rd offense, 19th defense, 45th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Indiana, 42-16

Biggest strength: Umm, don’t look now but Nate Stanley threw SIX FREAKING TOUCHDOWN PASSES IN ONE GAME!

Stanley was 21-of-33 for 320 yards, the aforementioned six tuddies and one pick. What a game from a quarterback who I’m certain I once said “sucks out loud.” Tight end duo Noah Fant and T.J. Hockenson each caught four passes; Fant had 102 yards and one TD while Hockenson had 107 yards and two scores. That still leaves three touchdowns unaccounted for! Sheesh, what a game for Stanley.

Iowa fans ARE pretty fun to hang out with tbqh.

Biggest weakness: We made fun of Indiana above for their egregious amount of penalties in this game but Iowa had 11 penalties for 110 yards (one more penalty and 11 more yards than IU), but you can have 50 penalties in a game if your quarterback is gonna throw six TDs.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Maryland, 11 a.m. CST

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 53rd overall, 103rd offense, 23rd defense, 15th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 3 Ohio State, 30-14

Biggest strength: The Gophers kinda, sorta, maybe hung around with the Buckeyes! That’s pretty impressive. It was only 20-14 heading into the fourth quarter, but obviously Minnesota then decided not to score again.

There was also the enormous talent disparity, but ya know...whatevs.

Mo Ibrahim rushed for two scores and 157 yards and is looking pretty good for a freshman. Antonio Shenault and Blake Cashman each had 13 tackles.

Biggest weakness: When your friend says he doesn’t watch Ozark.

God playing for P.J. Fleck has to be exhausting, and I’m not just saying that because I can’t run that far without stopping for some water.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Nebraska (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G), 2:30 p.m. CST

Nebraska Cornhuskers (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G)

S&P+ rank: 69th (nic...NO! NOT NICE!) overall, 61st offense, 79th defense, 110th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at Northwestern, 34-31 (OT)

Biggest strength: Spelling.

Losing.

Slogans.

Fatalism.

Biggest weakness: In these trying and confusing times as a Wisconsin Badgers fan it is nice to be able to look to the south and west at Lincoln, NE (which isn’t for everyone, not by a long shot!) and see a team so skilled at shooting itself right in the penis that you can’t help but smile.

Soak in this beauty from “embattled head coach” Scott “I Don’t Call The Defense” Frost.

“I always watch the ESPN deal when I’m not coaching a game and watch the percent chance of winning,” Frost said. “Makes me sick sometimes when I watch teams that are 98 percent chance of winning. I thought that would be us, but it’s hard to tell where ours was in this game. That’s just heartbreaking for those guys.”

According to ESPN’s Win Probability Model, Nebraska’s probability to win peaked at 98.7 percent in the fourth quarter.

Also of note from that extremely click bait-y and terrible article in the USA Today about Nebraska (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G) firing Frost (they won’t, you idiots) is the fact that the Huskers (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G) are still paying Mike Riley, Bo Pelini AND Shawn Eichorst!

This wet fart of a football team is now off to the worst start in program history and has extended the longest losing streak in program history to 10 (!!!!!!!!!!) games. Just take a look at how their possession in overtime ended!

Nebraska got the first shot in overtime after Northwestern deferred. Frost decided to go for it on fourth-and-1 at the 16, rather than kick a field goal in part because Barret Pickering missed one earlier in the game. A low snap out of the shotgun on what quarterback Adrian Martinez said was a running play did in the Cornhuskers. He scooped up the loose ball around the 30, heaved it to the end zone from the 37 and was intercepted by JR Pace.

Things have gotten so dire in Lincoln that the Feds are involved. Really sad.

Lastly, the game-tying drive that Northwestern had? It was 99-yards. I think that needs to be repeated as often as possible.

At least @FauxPelini and Pat Fitzgerald are friends again.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Minnesota, 2:30 p.m. CST

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 68th overall, 99th offense, 43rd defense, 120th special teams

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Nebraska (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G), 34-31 (OT)

Biggest strength: The Nebraska (0-6 overall, 0-4 B1G) defense, everybody!

Clayton Thorson threw for 455 yards (a career high) and three touchdowns and backup kicker Drew Luckenbaugh drilled a 37-yard field goal in OT to give the Wildcats a wild (Pulitzer plz) three point win over the worst team in the B1G West, and possibly the world. Rutgers is not of this Earth and therefore does not factor into these worldwide rankings.

Flynn Nagel had 12 catches for 220 yards and two touchdowns which is just a bonkers stat line no matter how many times you look at it. The NU defense had five players record double digit tackles and one record nine. Dudes were flying around the field, apparently.

Biggest weakness: Thanks for thinking of me and my kind, nerd!

Not to alarm anyone, but Northwestern is currently in first place in our dumb, terrible division.

This week’s opponent: Saturday at Rutgers, 11 a.m. CST

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 39th overall, 17th offense, 84th defense, 69th (NICE!) special teams

Last week’s result: (W) at Illinois, 46-7

Biggest strength: He took Illinois to school, tho! ::snaps fingers across face like a sassy character in a 90s teen movie::

D.J. Knox ran for 150 yards on 17 carries and Issac Zico and Official B5Q Roast Crush Rondale Moore each had over 100 yards receiving and 25+ yards per catch (to go along with three combined touchdowns).

Purdue is also, maybe, the most resilient team in the B1G.

Biggest weakness: These 11 a.m. kickoffs are brutal.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. No. 2 Ohio State, 6:30 p.m. CST

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 16th overall, 5th offense, 63rd defense, 47th special teams

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 12 Michigan, 38-13

Biggest strength: Jonathan Taylor, T.J. Edwards and Ryan Connelly were fine. Eric Burrell played well too and the rest of the young secondary showed flashes. Great, whatever. This game was a burning trash heap for the Badgers and a few nice performances won’t overshadow that.

This was probably the best moment of the game.

Biggest weakness: Hoo baby, where to begin? I discuss a lot of my feelings on this game in the Roundtable but some of them are worth reiterating, quickly, here. Go for it on fourth down and short on the plus side of the field more; use your timeouts wisely/at all, they aren’t cell phone minutes and they don’t carry over (plz fast forward to 8:30 in the video); run a screen play in practice one time, maybe twice if you have time; tell the defense that the quarterback is allowed to run.

“We certainly didn’t do enough things throughout the course of the game to give ourselves a chance to beat them,” Wisconsin coach Paul Chryst said.

::loudly yells into megaphone:: YOU COULD TRY GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH AND SHORT ON THE OPPONENTS SIDE OF THE FIELD WHEN YOU HAVE THE BEST RUNNING BACK IN THE NATION AND AN OFFENSIVE LINE FILLED WITH FUTURE NFL PLAYERS YOU DENSE BOWL OF PORRIDGE!

Wisconsin got owned on and off the field on Saturday.

Also, STOP MAKING JAKE SAD! He doesn’t ask for much!

Beat the ever-loving shit out of Illinois this weekend or this blog officially becomes one in which I review Below Deck episodes every week, which I might start doing in the Rutgers section regardless.

This week’s opponent: Saturday vs. Illinois, 11 a.m. CST

How about a palate cleanser heading into the weekend?!?