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The B1G Roast: The B1G West is Worse Than the SEC

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Although, it is nice to see Minnesota’s November meltdown occur in September this year.

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NCAA Football: Maryland at Minnesota
The Gophers aren’t even the best football team to call TCF Bank Stadium “home.”
Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

As fall is now officially upon us since it was 40 degrees in Minnesota this morning and I muttered something about having to bag up a bunch of God-damned leaves, I think it is time to talk about the best part about fall: memes about pumpkin spice.

Have you seen these on your Facebook feed? They are HILARIOUS and totally cut right to the core of society by mocking a ... flavor of coffee drink? Wait, maybe they’re more confusing than hilarious. Here, I’ll let you be the judge!

I would probably try those Doritos tbqh. But then again, my food takes are known to be 100-percent correct around here, so maybe I shouldn’t say I’d try a joke food product? I’ve mentioned before that I drink one Pumpkin Spice Latte a year because they are tasty and they remind me of fall. If that makes me The Worst and worthy of opprobrium, SO BE IT!

People like what they like and I don’t think we should create an entire cottage industry of memes to make fun of that.

/hears someone thinking about putting ketchup on their hot dog sandwich //bursts through wall like Kool-Aid Man

LET ME TELL YOU WHY THIS IS WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS YOU DUMB, DUMB, IDIOTIC DUMMY!

Nevermind, I guess we should just continue to make fun of people for their terrible food/drink choices because that’s what makes the world go ‘round.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Anyways, here are the dumb teams that play in this dumb conference (mostly the West) and how they did this past week.

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 46th overall, 72nd offense, 35th defense

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 4 Penn State 45–14

Biggest strength: Tegray Scales had 11 tackles and three sacks and the defense as a whole kept Saquon Barkley under wraps (if only the kick coverage team had been so lucky). Otherwise, few things went right for IU, as you may have guessed based on the final score.

Biggest weakness: We’ve got a BREWING QUARTERBACK CONTROVERSY ON OUR HANDS IN BLOOMINGTON! The one guy who sucks started the game and got pulled, and then the backup, who clearly also sucks since he wasn’t the starter, came in and sucked a little bit less than expected. Combined, these two clowns threw for as many touchdown passes as Barkley did and one more interception. Also, J-Shun Harris got hurt after losing a fumble on a punt return.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: vs. Charleston Southern

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 58th overall, 53rd offense, 58th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Minnesota 31–24

Biggest strength: The Terps are back, baby! A week after winning the tailgate, but not the game, Maryland stormed into the Twin Cities and beat the Gophers in a game one could generously describe as “exciting.” Max Gesundheit game-managed his way to a road victory and Ty Johnson averaged 7.2 yards per carry and scored the game-winning touchdown in the fourth quarter. Jake “Bringing The Noise, Bringing The” Funk had a receiving touchdown.

Biggest weakness: I don’t know, man. The Terps kind of took it to Minnesota. They won the turnover battle, the time-of-possession battle, the total yards battle, and the third-down conversion battle. I guess they had twice as many penalties as the Gophers? Maryland is the most confusing team in the conference to me. Are they good? They’re in the East, so they won’t finish higher than fourth in their division ...but would they win the West? They might finish second there! WHO KNOWS?!?!? Maryland is the Mystery Team of the Big Ten.

Donald Glover is actually next in line to start at QB for Maryland.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 3 p.m.: at No. 10 Ohio State

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 9th overall, 39th offense, 2nd defense

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: I had a great time in New Orleans this past weekend for a friend’s wedding. After a weekend spent drinking on the street and seeing no more problems than a typical Saturday night on State Street, a question arose amongst my friends. Why can’t we do this in Wisconsin? People are always gonna drink too much—I don’t think you can stop that (/glares at Carrie Nation), but why not let them drink too much in the comfort of the great outdoors? When it was “last call” at the wedding, all of our drinks were served in plastic cups so we could take them with us while we second-lined our way down the street. How hospitable and fun!

Biggest weakness: Now, I’m sure the police departments of Wisconsin make plenty of money handing out open-intoxicant tickets, if my college experience is any indication. But couldn’t those officers be spending their time somewhere else? Maybe I’m way off base, but my weekend in New Orleans and my time in downtown Indy have shown that not much changes when people are allowed to drink outside. Maybe just start doing it on game days? Let’s use this column to make our voices heard!

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 6:30 p.m.: vs. Michigan State

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 32nd overall, 76th offense, 16th defense

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Iowa 17–10

Biggest strength: See GIF, please.

My thoughts on MSU vs. Iowa.

Biggest weakness: Alright, I guess Felton Davis III had nine catches for 114 yards and two touchdowns. I’m sorry, Felton. The above GIF does not apply to you. Important scheduling note: It’s gonna be hilarious when Michigan loses to Michigan State on Saturday. Consider this an official prediction.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 6:30 p.m.: at No. 7 Michigan

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 2nd overall, 3rd offense, 8th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Rutgers 56–0

Biggest strength: J.T. Barrett is now the all-time passing leader in a Ohio state’s university history. Which one? You can’t be certain, but good for him. I also discovered a fun fact that Bobby Hoying won over 30 games in Columbus as a quarterback. Christ, Bobby Hoying sucked in the NFL. Why does the Big Ten allow these two teams to play at all?

Biggest weakness: I think commenting anymore on this game technically means I was involved in the production of a snuff film, and I can’t have that on my résumé.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 3 p.m.: vs. Maryland

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 8th overall, 11th offense, 12th defense

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Indiana 45–14

Biggest strength: Saquon Barkley only rushed for 56 yards and STILL threw for a touchdown and ran the opening kickoff back 98 yards for a touchdown. I’ve already tried to pick Barkley up off waivers in multiple fantasy football leagues. DaeSean Hamilton had a hat trick and 122 yards AND set the all-time record for receptions in PSU history. The defense recovered upwards of 38 fumbles.

Biggest weakness: Barkley was bottled up on the ground by the formidable (?) Hoosiers defense. That shit won’t fly against Michigan or Ohio State, James Franklin. All-conference tight end Mike Gesicki left the game with an “upper body injury.” What is this, hockey? Tell me what the injury actually is!

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: at Northwestern

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 93rd overall, 123rd offense, 34th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 11 Ohio State 56–0

Biggest strength:

Rutgers is embarking on the Watch The Owned tour this fall.

Biggest weakness: The Scarlet Knights had four young men throw passes for a combined 92 yards and two interceptions. They had six young men rush for a combined 117 yards on 41 carries. BUT! Their punter kicked for a total of 420 yards and the kids tell me that’s the weed number.

This week’s schedule: BYE

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 97th overall, 114th offense, 73rd defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Nebraska 28–6

Biggest strength: The Big Ten West is a really bad division and Illinois is probably the worst of the bunch. Any time you make Tanner Lee look like a competent quarterback, your team might as well pack it in for the rest of the season. Illinois is the college football equivalent of farting in an elevator. Both are gross, socially unacceptable to admit that you do, and make me want to puke if it happens near me.

Biggest weakness:

Lovie Smith:

“We didn’t get anything going tonight. Can’t talk about anyone playing well. We need a better game plan, and we need to play better. Simple as that.”

If only they’d just play better! Then all of the Illini’s problems would be solvAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Nothing can help this team.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: at Iowa

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 45th overall, 91st offense, 19th defense

Last week’s result: (L) at Michigan State 17–10

Biggest strength: Josey Jewell had 16 tackles and deserves so much better than this team. Ugh, this game makes me sick to my stomach.

Biggest weakness: Akrum Wadley had 30 yards on 17 carries and a touchdown. Nathan Stanley was his usual average-to-below-average self. I can’t wait until Wisconsin’s defense gets ahold of him. It’s going to be a bloodbath! MSU’s punter downed all five of his punts inside the 20 and I bet Kirk Ferentz had never been more jealous.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: vs. Illinois

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 44th overall, 93rd offense, 17th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Maryland 31–24

Biggest strength: They had three players record double-digit tackles and the punter averaged over 51 yards per kick. That’s, uh, it. No one else stood out in any way, shape, or form for the Gophers against Maryland. I honestly don’t understand how this was a one-score game. Maybe Maryland sucks ... #MysteryTeam.

Biggest weakness: Lotta injuries for Minnesota so far this year and they lost Antoine Winfield, Jr., in the first half of this game. They will get no sympathy from the Terps, but it is worth noting the Gophs aren’t playing with a full deck. One might argue they never are, but I’m just here to report the facts and not speculate wildly that Minnesota often plays football games without ever watching film of the opposing team. Speaking of facts! P.J. Fleck has never been to my restaurant to eat and I’d like to think it’s because he’s ducking me. Coach, please come visit and we can talk about our best motivational slogans and which job you should take next after you realize you can never win here.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: at Purdue

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 38th overall, 70th offense, 23rd defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Illinois 28-6

Biggest strength: I want you to take a look at this quote from Interception Machine Tanner Lee:

“I think it’s coaching,” Lee said. “The looks we were expecting the looks we got, the plays we were running were things we practiced all week at practice. . I’m glad that we got into a rhythm there. We just looked good.”

Before this game, were the Huskers running plays in games that they hadn’t practiced yet? That would actually explain a lot.

Biggest weakness: I was perusing some post on /r/cfb two days ago and there were a number of Nebraska fans starting to puff out their chests in advance of our matchup on Saturday because they have won two games in a row ... against Rutgers and Illinois. Keep in mind, THEY ALMOST LOST TO RUTGERS! They also fumbled four times against the Illini and only lost one. That sort of fumble luck does not keep favoring you every week.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 7 p.m.: vs. No. 9 Wisconsin

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 47th overall, 57th offense, 47th defense

Last week’s result: (L) at No. 10 Wisconsin 33–24

Biggest strength: NU was the first team to score on Wisconsin in the second half this season and they were winning at halftime. They also held the Badgers rushing attack mostly in check (not you, Jonathan Taylor, no one can hold you in check). They also forced three turnovers and the more I look at the stats/recap of this game, the more I think Wisconsin was lucky to come away with a W. Maybe it was the Hurricane I drank at halftime to reverse our fortunes or maybe it was the 400 beers I drank throughout the weekend, but some of this game is a little hazy to me.

Biggest weakness: Gave up a couple of big plays in the passing game and couldn’t pass protect worth shit. Also, what the hell was Clayton Thorson thinking when he got sacked in the end-zone by D’Cota Dixon? Throw the ball away, son! If this game had been in Evanston, that safety would have actually been a 98-yard touchdown pass from Thorson because their stadium was built on a burial ground of people who hate Wisconsin football.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: vs. No. 4 Penn State

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 72nd overall, 65th offense, 74th defense

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: The Badger bar in New Orleans is called Samuel’s Blind Pelican and there was a sign out front that said, “Now open 24 hours.” I don’t know how a bar can operate like that and it gave me anxiety just thinking how you would even write a schedule for a place like that. Anyways, they had the sound on for the game and a handful of other Badger fans joined us there. One guy only was wearing overalls and a Wisconsin hat. He was happy when Minnesota was beating Maryland which was curious, but we let it slide because he had on really nice overalls. We met a couple there that ended up joining our group for drinks after the game and might join us for a tailgate later this season when they come up to Madison!

Biggest weakness: That’s the cool thing about college sports. It brings people together like few other things. We had little in common with these people besides wearing the same colors on a Saturday and now we have each other’s phone numbers and are planning to meet up in a few weeks. I bet Purdue fans meet up at robotics conferences and then don’t talk to each other.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: vs. Minnesota

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 4th overall, 23rd offense, 6th defense

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Northwestern 33–24

Biggest strength: D’Cota Dixon was so very, very good. Garret Dooley had t3.5 sacks and five total tackles for loss. Natrell Jamerson had two picks and returned one for a touchdown. Quintez Cephus had 99 yards on four catches. I know it has been mentioned many other places on the Web, but Jim Leonhard’s exotic blitz packages make me horny. Well, maybe my horniness hasn’t been mentioned other places on the web, but Leonhard’s blitz packages have.

Biggest weakness: Letting their foot off the gas at the end of the game was a bit disappointing, but the Badgers still found a way to win and were never REALLY in danger of losing. Right? /looks around nervously

Alex Hornibrook might not be the quarterback that we saw against BYU all year, but if he can keep hitting a few deep passes a game to keep opposing safeties honest, that would really open up some running lanes for Taylor & co. Somehow, NU had more time of possession than Wisconsin. That’s ... odd.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 7 p.m.: at Nebraska