The B1G Roast: OMFG ILLINOIS WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING!?!?!

I don’t like being uncomfortable. I’m a man who spends most of his time not at work in some variety of sweatpants and t-shirts. I wear slippers whenever possible. I like to play with my daughter on the floor of our living room surrounded by pillows. If I could, I’d live life ensconced in velvet like George Costanza. However, as I’ve grown older I’ve been presented with a number of situations that have made me uncomfortable. And that is good!

Being uncomfortable with something is often the only way you’ll change your views or thoughts on something. Recently on social media, the hashtag #MeToo has been trending and it is meant to show the world how many people have been sexually harassed or assaulted. The number of women on my Facebook feed who have shared their story or simply just posted #MeToo has been staggering and rage-inducing.

While there have been plenty of the #MeToo posts from women, I have seen nearly zero posts from men admitting or apologizing for their actions. It can’t be true that all of these women that I know from different corners of the world have been harassed by just a handful of men. They’ve been harassed and assaulted by friends of mine, by me.

I have sexually harassed women in the past and I’ve sat idly by while other men have done the same. I am sorry for this and I will never allow it to happen again. This was uncomfortable for me to type, and shit, it should be. I have danced with women who did not want me to dance with them. I have made inappropriate comments about women, both strangers and ones that I know, and brushed it off as “just a joke.” I have allowed friends of mine to be creepy towards women and made women prizes to be won. I am sorry for this and I will never allow it to happen again.

Working in the service industry, sexual harassment is a bigger problem than in many other industries. There is rampant drug and alcohol use amongst both the staff and the patrons, which leads to people dropping inhibitions and making terrible, hurtful decisions. Many of the women posting #MeToo that I saw are service-industry friends of mine. They are women who hold leadership positions in my industry but still face disrespect and snide remarks and worse from men in this industry. Sexual harassment and assault needs to stop in the bars and restaurants and I want to be a part of the solution.

I will no longer stand idly by while someone cracks a “joke” about a woman with whom we work. I want everyone to feel safe when they come into work and when they leave work and, fuck, I want them to feel safe everywhere. This goal of treating women with basic human decency starts with you, with me, admitting that we haven’t been doing good enough and we are going to change. We are going to listen to women when they say they are uncomfortable. We are going to believe women when they say something untoward happened to them. We are going to let women lead the way and tell us how they want to be treated. All the women who have posted on social media about their stories are incredibly strong and brave and you should read every story you can. It should make you uncomfortable and it should make you want to change. I hope treating our mothers, sisters, daughters, and girlfriends with respect and love is a cause we can all support.

This past weekend in college football sure was a crazy one! The ranked teams in the B1G managed to escape disaster but, uh, Illinois sure didn’t! Also, here’s a fun fact: it’s the middle of October and Rutgers has more B1G wins than Minnesota. Let’s talk footbawwww!

Indiana Hoosiers

S&P+ rank: 44th overall, 90th offense, 22nd defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 17 Michigan 27–20 (OT)

Biggest strength: J-Shun Harris II averaged nearly 25 yards per punt return and Chase Dutra had 13 tackles (12 solo) for the Hoosiers’ defense. The ultimate B1G bridesmaid came up just short again against a top-25 team, though, and I can’t help but feel terrible for IU fans. Their basketball team is not good anymore and their football team leaves them with perpetual blue balls. #thisisafamilyblog

Biggest weakness: Peyton Ramsey averaged 4.3 yards per passing attempt which is ... bad. Somehow, that was nearly a yard-and-a-half better than his Michigan counterpart, which is danged hilarious. The defense could not stop Michigan’s rushing attack, giving up 271 yards on the ground and 200 to starter Karan Higdon. The Hoosiers do have this going for them: they are the least hateable team in the conference. Go IU!

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: at No. 18 Michigan State

Maryland Terrapins

S&P+ rank: 83rd overall, 79th offense, 74th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Northwestern 37–21

Biggest strength: Max Oktoberfest hucked three touchdowns and led the team in rushing yards. D.J. Moore had 12 catches for 210 yards and two touchdowns, which is a silly, silly stat line. Despite all this, Maryland remained the most maddeningly inconsistent team in the conference. They beat Texas on the road! They lost to Northwestern at home! They’ll probably beat Penn State or something stupid like that, which they’ll need to do in order to make a bowl because four of their last six games are against teams ranked in the top-20.

Biggest weakness: The rushing attack was neutered by an average NU defense. Gave up way too many yards and allowed Northwestern to accrue 30 first downs. Can we talk about old school, regional, East Coast lagers for a second? I think that Natty Boh tastes like crab juice mixed with Mountain Dew and then strained through underwear, HOWEVER ... they definitely have the best logo.

Taste-wise, the rankings go: 1. Yuengling (duh); 2. Narragansett; 3. Genny Cream; 4. Natty Boh. Logo-wise, though, the rankings are: 1. Natty Boh; 2. Narragansett; 3. Genny Cream; 4. Yuengling.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: at No. 5 Wisconsin

Michigan Wolverines

S&P+ rank: 16th overall, 76th offense, 2nd defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Indiana 27–20 (OT)

Biggest strength: As mentioned above, their running back gashed the IU defense for 200 yards and three touchdowns, including the game-winner in OT. Their defense hassled IU into two picks and numerous other mistakes. This team is basically Worse Wisconsin. Although, their defense is better than Wisconsin’s ... maybe Michigan is just Wisconsin? Welp, I’ve already managed to confuse myself!

Biggest weakness: Quarterback play. John O’Korn is not very good at playing quarterback for the Michigan Wolverines of the Big Ten Conference. He averaged 2.9 yards per attempt and that number makes me want eat raw peppers it is so bad. If I were Michigan’s defense I’d be talking to any friends I have in law school so I could file a cease and desist motion against the offense. Seriously, the defense would have a better chance of going undefeated if the offense just had to punt as soon as they got the ball. That might be my hottest #B1Gtake of the year.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 6:30 p.m.: at No. 2 Penn State

Michigan State Spartans

S&P+ rank: 20th overall, 78th offense, 9th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Minnesota 30–27

Biggest strength: In a theme that you may have noticed in the conference this year, a strong defense and bruising rushing attack allowed a team to win despite inadequate play from the quarterback. LJ Scott returned from injury and rushed for a career-high 194 yards and two touchdowns. After mistakes by the offense gave Minnesota great field position on a couple of possessions, the defense refused to give up touchdowns and kept the Gophers from getting any momentum going.

Biggest weakness: Quarterback play. It must be against the law to recruit competent quarterbacks in the state of Michigan now. They also turned the ball over a bunch and almost blew the game in the fourth quarter by giving up 21 points to the “vaunted” Minnesota passing attack. I’m still wary of you, MSU, but if you keep winning ... I’ll keep writing about you.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: vs. Indiana

Ohio State Buckeyes

S&P+ rank: 1st overall, 3rd offense, 7th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Nebraska 56–14

Biggest strength: Since the Oklahoma game, after which idiots were calling for his job, J.T. Barrett has thrown 18 touchdowns and zero interceptions. Surprisingly, all 18 of those touchdowns didn’t come against Nebraska (only five of them) but Barrett still had a great game against the Huskers. Dobbins the House Elf had 106 yards and a score and, oh yeah ... Barrett also rushed for two touchdowns against the Defense Formerly Known As The Blackshirts.

Biggest weakness: Punting. The Buckeyes haven’t punted against Nebraska in forever.

That is not very #B1G, Ohio State. Smdh. Also, people saying nice things about how tough it is to come into Nebraska and win. Urban Meyer complemented his team for playing so well in a “hostile environment,” which couldn’t be further from the truth. Playing in Lincoln against Nebraska this year is like playing against the corpses in the morgue: it is cold and creepy and there aren’t a lot of living people there by the end of it.

This week’s schedule: BYE

Penn State Nittany Lions

S&P+ rank: 3rd overall, 13th offense, 8th defense

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: Sometimes during the week, I’ll think of ideas for things to talk about in this column and then I’ll, predictably, forget them by the time I sit down to actually write it. One of my ideas was even to start writing these ideas down on my phone which ... I haven’t started doing. Anyways, my daughter has this Fisher-Price car that makes a whole bunch of noise and will play different songs to help foster infant learning or some shit. One of the songs it sings is “The ABCs.” The girl singing the song really emphasizes the “v” in her rendition and I have some serious qualms with that. “V” is a stupid letter. It is the first letter of “Voldemort” who is bad and “very” which is a superfluous word. While I was spouting off about this to my daughter, my wife chimes in from the kitchen, where she is ostensibly conducting business since she works from home, “You are VERY dumb.” Roasting the ones you love is the best roasting.

Biggest weakness: The NBA season starts (or started, depending on when I finish this) Tuesday night and I haven’t been this excited for a Sixers season in well over a decade. Joel Embiid has looked transcendent on Instagram and in the preseason (shut up, I know), Ben Simmons is like an enormous Steve Nash, Markelle Fultz is ... messing with his jump shot for some god-damned reason but was still the consensus No. 1 pick, Dario Saric is an improved Tony Kukoc, Robert Covington can defend every position, J.J. Redick can shoot the lights out, Jahlil Okafor is going to NYC to see movies and maybe he’ll do it on a gameday and the train will get delayed and he’ll miss the game ... basically, the Sixers are gonna rule this year. The Bucks should be pretty good too! Giannis is amazing, they have last year’s Rookie of the Year* Malcolm Brogdon, Jabari Parker should be coming back soon, Thon Maker has a wonderful name and is really tall, Greg Monroe could win sixth man of the year ... hold on, is Ray Allen still on the team? That would be HUGE. Even my new hometown’s Wolves are on the up and up. I’m splitting a League Pass account with a buddy and I’ve bought 2K18. Basically ... I’m all in on the NBA this year and can’t wait to talk about it with everyone. Can we rename this column, “Drew’s NBA Corner?” MIKE! JAKE! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

(Editor’s note: No.)

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 6:30 p.m.: vs. No. 19 Michigan

Rutgers Scarlet Knights

S&P+ rank: 90th overall, 120th offense, 36th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Illinois 35–24

Biggest strength: WON THEIR FIRST B1G GAME IN 17 TRIES! ROLL DAMN RUTGERS! RAN FOR A WHOLE BUNCH OF YARDS AND GUS EDWARDS, WHO HAS THE NAME OF A MECHANIC, RUMBLED HIS WAY FOR 91 YARDS AND TWO TOUCHDOWNS! LOST THE TIME-OF-POSSESSION BATTLE, TOTAL YARDS, PENALTY YARDS, AND HAD THE SAME AMOUNT OF TURNOVERS AND STILL WON ON THE ROAD BY DOUBLE-DIGITS! HOLY SHIT ILLINOIS IS TERRIBLE!

Biggest weakness: The, uh, passing game is woeful and I think the book of Lamentations was actually written about the Scarlet Knights’ aerial attack and not about the destruction of Jerusalem. Yeah, that’s right, assholes. One class I actually attended was, uh, shit—what was it called? I don’t know, but it had to do with the Bible and I probably barely passed it.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: vs. Purdue

Illinois Fighting Illini

S&P+ rank: 107th overall, 116th offense, 79th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. Rutgers 35-24 (What. The. Hell?)

Biggest strength: “(This) isn't where we want to be, but that's where we are,” Illinois coach Lovie Smith said. Lovie Smith would be the worst damn navigator on a road trip. Lovie Smith might actually be Michael Scott from The Office.

Biggest weakness: Y’all lost to Rutgers at home. What do you really want me to say here? I don’t kick a team when it’s down. Unless it’s Minnesota. Or Iowa. Or Michigan. Or Ohio State. Or Michigan State. Or Northwestern. Or Nebraska. Or Penn State. Or in the SEC. Or Washington. Or Oklahoma. Or Texas. Or USC. Or Florida State. Well, you get the point.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: at Minnesota

Iowa Hawkeyes

S&P+ rank: 38th overall, 80th offense, 23rd defense

Last week’s result: BYE

Biggest strength: I know we already talked about the NBA, but I’m reading Shea Serrano’s new book, Basketball and Other Things, and it is hilarious and fun and really worth your time if you’ve ever liked the NBA. Every chapter is a new question about basketball ... and other things. I mean, it’s right there in the title. He’s already referenced my favorite play in NBA history (when Ricky Davis shot at his own basket at the end of a game so he could get a rebound and get a triple-double), but I’ll probably still read the rest of the book. His first book was about the most important rap song of each year since 1979 and is really good too, mostly because he recognized that “International Player’s Anthem” was the most influential song of 2007. He’s also a great follow on Twitter.

Biggest weakness: I have a confession to make: I like strawberry milk more than chocolate milk. I don’t know if this is controversial or not, but I will not apologize. This is who I am.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: at Northwestern

Minnesota Golden Gophers

S&P+ rank: 62nd overall, 106th offense, 25th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 21 Michigan State 30–27

Biggest strength: Having multiple quarterbacks capable of losing them games. Tyler Johnson caught three touchdowns in the fourth quarter. They should have been throwing to him earlier imo. Their punter kicked a football 68 yards.

Biggest weakness: Conor Rhoda was benched after bobbling a snap and then kneeling like a clownshoe while trying to grab another errant snap. Maybe the center should have been benched? Minnesota’s early-season collapse is like the opposite of an M. Night Shyamalan movie where you have to wait until the end of the movie for the twist. It’s a W. Day Jones movie ... because that’s the opposite of M. Nigh... nevermind.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 2:30 p.m.: vs. Illinois

Nebraska Cornhuskers

S&P+ rank: 74th overall, 75th offense, 66th defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 9 Ohio State 56–14

Biggest strength: Nebraska, what can I say about your team that hasn’t already been said about Afghanistan? It looks bombed out and depleted.

Biggest weakness: Tanner Lee even had a pretty decent game for the Huskers ... it was just the rest of the team was laughably, embarrassingly bad. 44 rushing yards? 12 penalties for 104 yards?? Giving up over 600 yards??? None of those things are Tanner Lee’s fault. Hell, even the one interception thrown was by Nebraska’s backup QB. Sources tell me, your No. 1 Most Trusted Source For Nebraska Athletics News, that the Huskers have a new athletic director. I won’t look his name up, because screw you that’s why, but he used to athletically direct Washington State. Which can only mean one thing ... AIR RAID COMING TO THE BIG TEN! /fires up Mike Leach siren

Bart Simpson, your thoughts on this team?

This week’s schedule: BYE

Northwestern Wildcats

S&P+ rank: 69th overall (nice), 73rd offense, 56th defense

Last week’s result: (W) at Maryland 37–21

Biggest strength: Justin Jackson is now the school’s all-time leader in rushing yards and all-purpose yards. That’s pretty cool! Beating Maryland is always a good thing, because who knows which version of the Terps is showing up on any given Saturday.

Biggest weakness: They should make a sequel to Any Given Sunday about college football, though. Basically they could just do a documentary of Bobby Petrino’s life and it would make millions at the box office. I’m sorry, Northwestern football is so boring to me I’d rather make up fake movies that’ll never get made

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: vs. Iowa

Purdue Boilermakers

S&P+ rank: 55th overall, 70th offense, 43rd defense

Last week’s result: (L) vs. No. 7 Wisconsin 17–9

Biggest strength: I had to work during the game on Saturday and thought I’d be able to enjoy it when I got home since both my daughter and wife were in Madison. BUT NOOOOOOOO! Let me tell you a little something about recording college football on PlayStation Vue. First of all, you can’t just pick one game to record. I had to literally record every college football game on TV from 2:30 p.m., until I got home around 11 p.m., because you set “college football” as one of your favorite shows. Second of all, when you are scrolling through the millions of games you have recorded, THE FINAL SCORE SHOWS UP ON EACH GAME YOU SELECT! Like, what the actual shit, PlayStation Vue? I’m not recording these games so I can scout them. Who they hell thought that was a good idea? Anyways, I had forgotten to turn off the notifications of my sports app on my phone, so I already knew the Badgers scored two touchdowns in the first quarter. I’m bad at technology.

Biggest weakness: Purdue’s offense eats butt. Their defense isn’t half bad. I don’t know, I didn’t watch any of the game beyond the second Wisconsin touchdown because my stupid streaming TV service already ruined the outcome for me!

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: at Rutgers

Wisconsin Badgers

S&P+ rank: 6th overall, 25th offense, 5th defense

Last week’s result: (W) vs. Purdue 17–9

Biggest strength: I don’t know if you guys knew this or not, but Jonathan Taylor could have become one of only a handful of freshmen to rush for 1,000 yards in their first six games if he had only gained a few more yards against Purdue. I don’t think the stat was mentioned once on the broadcast. That’s some in-depth work by my research assistant (me with a mustache). The defense is still banging.

Biggest weakness: Alex Hornibrook needs to watch a Scott Tolzien highlight video this week. It’s a short video, but in it he’ll notice there ARE NO GOD-DAMNED TWO-INTERCEPTION GAMES AGAINST PURDUE (although Tolzien did NOT play well in either of his matchups with Purdue). Maybe Hornibrook should watch a 2000 Ravens highlight video and emulate Trent Dilfer ... oof, I feel gross after saying that. Look, Alex, I love you. You are from my neck of the woods and now go to my college. Just stop turning the ball over and Wisconsin should have no problem getting to the B1G championship game and possibly further.

This week’s schedule: Saturday, 11 a.m.: vs. Maryland