Greetings, sports team fan.
If you are reading this, then your favorite team has lost an important sports game. First off, let us express our deepest sympathies for your team’s loss. We recognize the importance of sports in your life. Know that we, too, have experienced the profound ennui that accompanies a major defeat.
To assist you in the healing process, the crack psychological team at B5Q has developed this handy loss-assessment diagnostic tool. By taking the following survey, you will be able to accurately determine the level of pain you should be feeling right now, as well as gauge the appropriate response to ensure that you will be able to quickly return to rooting for your favorite squad.
Take as much time as you need
while sitting on the john at work. Be sure to keep track of your score.
Question 1: Please identify the type of game your team lost.
- Championship (5 points)
- Playoff (4 points)
- Rivalry (3 points)
- Regular-season ame of some importance (2 points)
- Regular-season game of importance only to you and degenerate gamblers (1 point)
- Preseason (-5 points)
Question 2: Please identify the type of defeat your team experienced.
- Embarrassing Blowout (5 points)
- Hosed by Referees (4 points)
- Bad Beat (3 points)
- Close Loss with Honor (2 points)
- Close Loss without Honor (Note: reserved for Jim Harbaugh-coached teams only; -1 point)
- Complete and Utter Meltdown That Pulled Your Soul From Your Chest (10 points)
Question 3: What is the level of schadenfreude your most-hated rivals are experiencing right now?
- None (0 points)
- Minimal (1 point)
- Moderate (2 points)
- Major (3 points)
- Bathing gleefully in the tears of your misery (5 points)
Question 4: How frequently do you experience this, or similar types of defeats?
- First time: I do not like this strange and alien feeling one bit. (1 point)
- Semi-frequently: I have developed coping measures based on life experience. However, I still ache. So much ache. (2 points)
- Frequently: Yep. Knew it was coming. (3 points)
- Purdue Boilermakers. (10 points)
Question 5: How frequently do you impose this or similar types of defeats on your rivals?
- Never (5 points)
- Every once in a while (3 points)
- Pretty often (1 point)
- There’s a hashtag (Example: #Axe; #Wisconsinjustscoredagain) (-5 points)
Question 6: On how public a stage was your team’s defeat?
- Radio-only (1 point)
- Out there in front of God and everybody (3 points)
- National friggin’ TV (5 points)
- Regional cable (-5 points)
Question 7: How central is your team’s success to your own sense of self-esteem and mental well-being?
- My team is important to me, but I have family, outside interests, gainful employment, pets, a stamp collection and/or other things that help keep this loss in perspective. (0 points)
- I am a student of the school that the team represents or citizen of the city in which the team plays. It is literally impossible for me to turn on the radio, go to work or speak to another human being face-to-face without the loss being a topic of conversation. (3 points)
- My team is very important to me. More than 50 percent of my wardrobe consists of team spirit wear. I proposed to my spouse at the stadium in which the team plays. Even though I am an adult human being, the sheets on my bed are emblazoned with the team logo. (4 points)
- I have been sobbing uncontrollably in the bathtub since the loss, wearing only the jersey of my favorite player. (5 points)
Question 8: What was the result of your team’s defeat?
- Lost championship (5 points)
- Missed playoffs (4 points)
- Missed division title (3 points)
- Losing season (2 points)
- One more log on a never-ending cycle of pain and suffering (1 point)
- Cotton Bowl (-5 points)
Question 9: Describe your coaching staff?
- Idiots (1 point)
- Knuckleheads (2 points)
- Unfit for the role for which they were hired. (3 points)
- Brilliant. No, terrible. Wait, no, brilliant. Nope, terrible. (4 points)
- $#*%^@(#*%^ (5 points)
- Leaving for Oregon State (-5 points)
Question 10: What does next year look like?
- Hey, now that you mention it, pretty good! (-5 points)
- Pretty much exactly like this one. (3 points)
- This was our shot. Our one and only shot. (4 points)
- Dumpster fire. (5 points)
- More than 50 total points: You are clearly in deep, unabating anguish at your team’s loss. There is little hope for the future. It is more likely than not that your face is tear-stained and you are not currently wearing pants. Recommended action: you require a long, cathartic trek into the mountains to find inner peace. In the event you do not have sufficient vacation time built up, then drink heavily while watching the Travel Channel.
- 30-49 points: It hurts, man. We get it. But it’s going to be ok. You’ve got a lot going in your life: a spouse that loves you, some kids or a job that you find fulfilling, a cat that barely tolerates you. Recommended action: Exercise. Go for a run if that’s your thing. Get on a bike or horse or whatever and ride. Crossfit with your brahs or brahettes. Sweat that nonsense out.
15-29 points: You have a healthy perspective on life and are close to returning to normal. Another day or two, and things should be looking up. Recommended course of action: Eat some donuts. Sure, you’re doing just fine, but you know what? Go ahead and treat yourself anyway. You earned it!
- Less than 15 points: Congrats! You are probably already over it. This probably also means you were never a true fan in the first place and you bring shame to us all. Recommended course of action: Go buy a Golden State Warriors hat, you bandwaggoning fraud.
We hope this has been helpful to you. Best of luck in your next sporting endeavor. Unless you are Minnesota, in which case, you are beyond our assistance.