I say why wait. I say that your humble blogger has both the will and the skill to take the Illini to the next level. I am here to tell you that I am the savior of Champaign or at the very least the bridge to one.
It's time for the Rosin to shine. Here's why I would make a great head coach for Illinois.
My Wisconsin bonafides are a feature, not a bug
Like Bret Bielema leaving Iowa for Wisconsin or Mark Dantonio leaving Ohio State, killing some hobos as he went to Cincinnati, and killing more as he doubled back to East Lansing, me being a lifelong Wisconsin football existence acknowledger and fan should not be taken as problematic. I know what it takes to win Big Ten football -- and if hired, I will bring that experience to you.
I have read a staggering number of books on football strategy
I know the best way to attack a cover two defense is with high low passing routes. I know if you see one safety deep you run four verticals and make those monsters pay. I know the beauty of the air raid is in the number of formations and not the number of plays. I know a lot more than the fact that I will run the dang ball.
I am nothing if not a recruiting expert
You want to know which players to target when you're unable to find the five-stars coming in and being interested in what you're doing? You come to me. Unlike some people who can't even be bothered to watch a Hudl profile for more than thirty seconds, if elected, beyond visiting schools and watching games, I will watch entire Hudl profiles.
(Side note: As I typed this, I did do the Clinton thumbs up and if you could applaud, it would be swell.)
For the most part, I am nice
If you are injured, I will not be a monster. If you are struggling, I will not be a cretin. If you are not doing anything to harm anyone else outside of playing defense in football where it is necessary to do so to help your football team win football games, I will treat you with respect.
I will fine you $200 if you use puns that don't make me laugh, but I will put that money back into the program for the best pizza party at the end of the season ever -- 'cause I'm nice.
The economic benefits are obvious
As I am inexperienced in the head coaching ranks, these million dollar salaries are something I can only demand when I inevitably get a contract extension. You can use the money you're not going to pay me to improve the assistant coaching ranks. Because those will be important hires. I'll just have to find some kind of a way to muddle through on three hundred thousand dollars a year.
There you have it. Five reasons why I would be the hero that Champaign needs and deserves after Tim Beckman was found to have misconducted all over the place. I thank you for your time, and either way, I promise you there will be no awkward slogans that take a minute to explain.