I lost my computer last week to the blue screen of death and I have been away for so long. I know you've missed me, and I am grateful to have been missed.
I come bearing the most popular of pop culture: a pop quiz. One for every opponent the Badgers have on their regular-season schedule. Get out your pencils and a piece of looseleaf -- we're going back to school. For your reference, here is Wisconsin's schedule this season.
1. When Wisconsin plays Alabama, how are the Badgers most likely to lose the game?
A. Derrick Henry wears down the defense in the second half and Alabama pulls away.
B. Alabama's front seven overpowers an inexperienced Wisconsin offensive line.
C. Alabama's quarterback concerns were merely a long con and the Crimson Tide pass to victory.
D. Joel Stave.
E. Joel Stave finally turns on the jerks who have been riding him for the past few years.
F. Lose? What kind of a fan are you? They got this!
2. Last season, Miami (Ohio) allowed over 5 yards per carry. Who will join Corey Clement in rushing for more than 100 yards?
A. Taiwan Deal.
B. Dare Ogunbowale.
C. Both A and B.
D. A, B and Serge Trezy gets six carries for 104 yards.
3. Troy allowed over 36 points and 5.67 yards per carry last season. How many yards will Wisconsin rush for as a team?
A. Over 250.
B. Over 350.
C. Over 500.
D. The only limit is your imagination.
4. Why am I concerned that Hawaii might give Wisconsin more of a game than expected?
A. The next week is a rivalry game with Iowa.
B. Hawaii has a passing game with multiple consistent receiving targets.
C. Past history with Mountain West teams in regular-season night games.
D. All of the above.
E. THE BADGERS WILL BEAT HAWAII BY 40 AND THIS WAS JUST A CLEVER RUSE.
5. How many games will Iowa lose in non-conference play?
B. The Hawkeyes will lose to Pittsburgh, which is at least somewhat justifiable.
C. The Hawkeyes will lose to someone really embarrassing.
D. Multiple non-conference losses and no one outside the Veishea triangle is happy in Iowa.
E. If they lose to Wisconsin, the Hawkeyes are 0-5 and Kirk Ferentz is walking home.
6. Is this the year #Karma catches up to Wisconsin for all the delight in #WisconsinJustScoredAgain?
B. Yes, and getting a four-star running back to fall in the Badgers' lap is just dessert.
D. No, and the Badgers will mount a 35-point comeback in the second half to beat Nebraska.
E. No, Jordan Stevenson has to get starter's carries before we can talk like that.
7. Will Purdue beat Wisconsin?
B. Yes, I mean, eventually the Boilermakers are going to have to, right?
8. Will Tim Beckman coach so hard that Illinois quits on him by the time Wisconsin comes to town?
B. Yes, but the Illini will still score 24 points.
C. They're only going to give the OSK in Tim Beckman's OSKEE.
9. Rutgers plays Ohio State the week before Wisconsin. Will the Scarlet Knights be too sad to play football the next week?
B, No, Rutgers is kind of good and with the game in Piscataway, it will be morally boosted by giving the Buckeyes a game.
C. No, but the Badgers will win anyway.
10, Will beating Maryland make up for losing Diamond Stone's commitment?
B. If the Badgers lose, it means Rosin's going to ban people because Maryland fans tend to get banned and we love Rosin! Thanks for coming back! We missed you!
11. Will Northwestern be the game where the Badgers shoot themselves in the foot and costs themselves a win?
A. No, it's in Camp Randall and the Badgers handle their business at home.
B. No, because it's already happened.
C. Why don't you trust the Badgers will win all the games they're supposed to?
12. What will Minnesota's highlight be for 2015?
A. The Badgers losing the national championship in Basketball
B. Bo Ryan announcing his retirement.
C. The Badgers losing to Alabama.
D. Doesn't matter -- Wisconsin keeps the Axe anyway.
Give yourself one point for answering. Subtract one point if you just answered the last one for all of them. Subtract 10 points for answering B on question 10. I don't cotton to sucking up. Subtract 20 points if you're Drew Hamm. Give yourself five points for answering all the questions correctly.
And then give yourself all the points you want. College football is here. Have points!