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Iowa's Adam Woodbury is history's greatest monster

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Eye Gougegate, which is what we're calling it now, is the biggest scandal in sports currently.

History's greatest monster attempts to take it to the rack.
History's greatest monster attempts to take it to the rack.
Mary Langenfeld-USA TODAY Sports

I want to get this out of the way from the beginning: Iowa center/fourth-line hockey goon Adam Woodbury is history's greatest monster. Just look at this Vine.

I've analyzed this video more than the Zapruder film and it is crystal clear to me that Woodbury needs to issue an apology to Frank Kaminsky and Nigel Hayes and then be forced to play the rest of the season without using his hands. If Kaminsky can't see anymore, which judging by his post-game quotes, he can't, then Woodbury should lose his hand privileges. "I'm blind," Kaminsky "joked" after the game, but we all know that he had to be helped to the podium by Wisconsin staffers.

Now, Woodbury may have gotten a pass if he had just poked Hayes in the eye. Hayes is a noted jokester on the Badgers and may have just been practicing his Three Stooges routine since Woodbury looks like a direct descendant of Moe. However, the repeat offender went after Kaminsky in the second half with a brutal head rub/eye gouge combo AND THEN had the gall to elbow Duje Dukan in the head!

Dan Dakich, ESPN color commentator/champion of all that is good and right in the world, made sure the nation knew about Woodbury and his antics.

"It's gutless as well and he's doing it on purpose. You can say he's not and you can get mad at me all you want, but he's doing it on purpose, it needs to stop and the Big Ten office needs to discipline the kid. Woodbury, for some reason, Woodbury thinks that that kind of thing is toughness. That's as cowardly as you can be to hit a guy from behind or to poke a guy in the face and quite frankly Fran McCaffery and his staff have got to stop this."

When I think of heroics in sports broadcasting, this will be at the top of my list. Calling out a college kid as "cowardly" is an excellent move and one that should be lauded for years to come.

To his credit, Iowa head coach Fran McCaffery defended his hired gun from Dakich's accusations.

"There's absolutely no way Adam Woodbury did that on purpose," McCaffery said. "Dan Dakich is completely out of line. He crossed the line. He is out of line. He's not right, it was an accident. Adam Woodbury would never, ever, ever do that. EVER do that."

The amount of "evers" there show how serious McCaffery is in protecting his thug. He needs Woodbury on the floor as an intimidator and can't afford to lose him with a big game against Purdue coming up this weekend.

If there is anything I like more than two grown men sniping at each on Twitter, it is pizza. But everyone loves pizza. Not everyone is as genuinely excited as I am when two celebrities (at least in the college basketball world) start going at it via social media.

Just look at the way Dakich condescendingly calls McCaffery "Frannie" there! What a haymaker! These are two gladiators going blow for blow in the social media arena, and trust me, there are always winners in internet fights.

Hey, everyone -- especially you, Dakich and McCaffery -- maybe we let this one go. We can just chalk it up to a player being frustrated that his team was down by one million and other people's faces being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think we can all agree that the Iowa/Wisconsin rivalry doesn't need anymore fuel, but I swear to Melvin Gordon... if Woodbury even so much as thinks about committing a foul against Wisconsin next weekend, I will fire this hot take cannon up and take aim. This time for real.